Coming Out....?

[Endymion]

So, I've been grappling with my asexuality for a while, and I think I'm starting to come to terms with it. Only a few friends and my sister know about me being ace and I think I've reached the point that I'm ready to start telling people what I am when they question about my lack of relationship experience and how I've never been kissed, much less had sex. However, I feel like I should "come out" to my parents before that point. I respect them and I feel like they shouldn't be the last ones to know about my sexuality. However, I don't know how to tell them and I'm scared out of my whits. My parents are super understanding, and there's probably only a .0001% chance that they'll be upset, but I'm still worried. I want to tell them together, but I don't know how to go about telling them. Like should I preface with information about sexuality, or just straight out tell them and let them ask questions. Anyone have tips about how I should go about coming out? Any advice appreciated.

[SithLord]

I don't know. I still haven't decided if I'll come out to my parents or not. It really doesn't change anything about me, and it's not like I'm lying by not telling them about my person identification.

If I decided to do it, however, I think I would do it suddenly and without subtlety. I've already mentioned asexuality around them a few times, and I don't think it would come as a huge shock if I said it bluntly. Like: "Do you care that I'm asexual?" They've already said they wouldn't love me less for being gay, so I'm pretty sure they'll accept me no matter what.

But I'm blunt like that. I've heard other people just tell them and answer questions after. I think that would be best for most people.

Then again, if your parents like to be forewarned and not taken by surprise, you might want to wade them into it by prefacing your coming out with an assurance that it doesn't change anything about you.

[Guest]

To me the idea of coming out is out of the question why? Because I do not want to label my self as something that people do not understand. Some might say well try and make them understand. Most people are not willing to understand something they have no clue about. When it come to sexuality that become much worse. I am happy knowing who I am. Even if I've never dated or kissed. All these happened without me doing anything. Stuff happens that lead me that way. So I am happy in the closet.

[Scottthespy]

I would suggest telling your parents that you want to have a serious talk with them together, that nothing is wrong, but theres something you want to tell them that might surprise them. Once you're all sitting down somewhere and have plenty of time so no one has to rush off in the middle of the conversation, tell them flat out and be sure to have answers to all the questions they might ask, both personal and clinical. They may not understand...so be sure to have multiple ways of explaining it so that you dont leave them with the wrong idea. Of course, also be ready to accept that they may never understand. Not getting it and not supporting you are two different things. They could continue to ask supposedly bigoted questions like 'how do you know if you havent tried it' and 'are you sure you're just not gay?', simply because they cant wrap they're brains around asexuality.

[verily-forsooth-egads]

I plan to simply email my parents the link to asexuality.org, with no other comments; if they don't get the hint and/or ask me about it, I'll use the email as a conversation starter later. You could do something similar. Otherwise, perhaps if homosexuality comes up in conversation, you could use that to lead into the existence of non-mainstream orientations. If I were doing it, I'd mention a few different ones, then add, "For example, I'm ace." I dunno, just a couple of ideas to think about.

[ScooterJolly]

I really want to come out but I'm afraid my parents or friends won't accept me. My dad is a raging racist and also hates everyone who is not heterosexual. My friends often joke about me being gay as I don't like girls but I'm afraid if I come out and tell them then they'll bully me,

[Mandie June]

this is what i tell everyone. To be quite honest, i don't think it's anyones business who you (don't) sleep with. If you choose to have sex or if you choose to just enjoy eye candy. You know?

If you DO want to tell people, tell them what you are, what it is, and then leave it open for questions. that's pretty much all. If they really care, it won't bother them at all.

[RoswellValentine]

I plan on either sending an email to my parents with links to relevant information to asexuality, along with a link to AVEN. I also have a book that is an introduction to asexuality that I'll recommend they read for a little understanding. If it ever comes up, I'll just say "I'm asexual, what does that change about me?"

[Endymion]

I really want to come out but I'm afraid my parents or friends won't accept me. My dad is a raging racist and also hates everyone who is not heterosexual. My friends often joke about me being gay as I don't like girls but I'm afraid if I come out and tell them then they'll bully me,

Well, I recently took some advice on here and came out to my parents. They're (theorhetically) okay with it, but they still keep suggesting that I might have a hormone imbalance or that maybe I haven't met the right person, et cetra, so it didn't necessarily go quite as well as I'd hoped, but I feel a lot better now that its off my chest. I don't know what your life situation is, but I'd say that if you told your friends and family, the ones who really love you will accept you. They might be wary, but they won't turn away. Those who bully you aren't worth your time if they hurt you because of what you are. As for your father specifically, if you really think he'll have a problem with it, you might consider not telling him until you are no longer dependent on him (ie once you are permanently out of the house if you aren't already). I'm not going to say that he will definitely accept you and everything will go a-okay, because I know the world we live in sin't so perfect, but I'd say if you're set on telling him, choose a good time when he's happy.

Sorry if that's not helpful, but I wish you good luck all the same.

[ALongWayAway]

I blurted it out to my mother while she was making dinner and she was absolutely fine with it. Seriously. I said it, then realised I'd said it, then started mentally kicking myself, and then she said, "OK. I'm fine with that, but you are going to have to explain what it is, honey." I know there are a lot of horror stories out there but you sound like you have quite understanding parents, and while I know it's daunting, they will appreciate that you shared it with them because it's an important part of your life. Best of luck xx

[biace_inyourface]

I always like to tell people that they don't owe anybody anything when it comes to their own sexuality. There's usually a feeling, when it comes to family and close friends, that you have to come out "properly" to them. But as others have said, you are allowed to come out in whatever way you want to. I've recently decided to simply be more open about being bi on facebook where I'm friends with many family members. And if they see it on there, so be it. That's my way of coming out. I'm still not as comfortable about coming out as ace, but I've only recently started to be more open about it to friends and aquaintances.

[AceTate]

I'm only new to the term asexual so I have never told anyone other then my husband who obviously knew who I was just not the term. I am not ashamed of it, and it doesn't affect my day to day life so I don't know if I will tell people.

[zorgonslayer]

Here is how I came out to my dad (for the second time, because he disregarded it the first time)

This comes from an essay I wrote (for class (im currently in HS)) on what constitutes identity

Honestly I love my parents a lot, and coming out has really helped me connect to them better

In response to

Endymion

ScooterJolly

HenceTheMyserty

_Person_from_cali32

sith_girlix

I honestly think this wont really help you guys (non pejorative) in coming out,

but it might help on how to think about what identity means and its value when revealed to others/the public

The second factor which determines the identity of an individual is gender (including sexual/romantic expectations).

What makes me a wo/man?

Why do we want to have sex and what defines my sexuality?

Why do we want to fall in love? What is romantic love?

These are all legitimate questions which deserve to be answered.

All too often, we let chauvinists or the capitalist system dictate the answers.

The chauvinists tell us: men are actors and women are acted upon, we must have sex to create adherents for the establishment to indoctrinate and all people should be heterosexual, we want to fall in love so we can create family units who raise children as adherents to the establishment, and romantic love is a platonic relationship between a cisgender male and a cisgender female with sex added to it.

The capitalists tell us: men are sexual actors and women are sexually acted upon (for profit), we should encourage hypersexuality (for profit and because of “individual liberty”), yet must not use sex for natural insemination, we want to fall in “love” so we can justify sex because romantic love is a platonic relationship with sex added to it.

But this is not what gender is. This is not what sex is. Gender is determined by choice.

Sexuality is determined by choice. Something as powerful as sex should only be used for natural insemination.

Romantic love is not just platonic relationship with sex added to it.

Romantic love is the camaraderie of two lovers (no matter their gender) in their struggle against chauvinism and the capitalist system.

I recently had a personal experience with my struggle of gender and sexuality.

Before the school year, my father gave me a pack of condoms saying I was a “grown man now”.

I threw them away.

The next day I told him about this. He was shocked.

I told him about my belief in natural insemination (creed identity) and my sexual orientation (sexual identity).

My father did not react well as an agnostic-atheist.

He told me sexuality is one of the biggest parts of intimacy.

I wondered why I had to prove my masculinity this way.

I didn’t want to be masculine at all. I don’t believe I am a male.

I don’t believe I am sexual. I believe gender is the useless characterization of an individual.

This defines my gender identity. I believe I am asexual.

This is my sexual orientation; my sexual identity.

I don’t want to sacrifice the ideals I have held all my life for ten seconds of “pleasure”.

I don’t want to have sex (like a heterosexual fe/male would not want to have sex with another fe/male) because of my orientation. Yet, at a fundamental level, society teaches us to mindlessly pursue all forms of sexual pleasure: one of my guardians told me to have sex.

Society teaches us that all one should look forward to is sex. In a romantic relationship, sex is almost always considered the most intimate action of the union. Masculinity and femininity are what wo/men use to achieve this pointless goal.

forgot the end:

It is high time that people unite to find a common identity. It is high time that the human race dismantles these corrupt systems which degrade our identities. It is high time that we answer the question “who are we?”

[Akira Jumps]

When I realized I was, in fact, asexual, I thought about how to tell my parents; they were constantly getting on me about not having relationships. When I finally got the nerve to tell my mom (my parents don't live together) she said that was fine and I 'may change my mind later.' That last part kind of stung, but I still hugged her and thanked her for being there for me.

My dad, on the other hand, is still in the dark. He is an avid 'stereotypical relations' lover, and I don't think he'd even acknowledge my asexuality. Any ideas on how to get him to really hear me....?

[Endymion]

I blurted it out to my mother while she was making dinner and she was absolutely fine with it. Seriously. I said it, then realised I'd said it, then started mentally kicking myself, and then she said, "OK. I'm fine with that, but you are going to have to explain what it is, honey." I know there are a lot of horror stories out there but you sound like you have quite understanding parents, and while I know it's daunting, they will appreciate that you shared it with them because it's an important part of your life. Best of luck xx

Yeah. That's kind of how my coming out to friends went. They were all okay but I had to explain about a million times what asexuality was.

Here is how I came out to my dad (for the second time, because he disregarded it the first time)

This comes from an essay I wrote (for class (im currently in HS)) on what constitutes identity

Honestly I love my parents a lot, and coming out has really helped me connect to them better

In response to

Endymion

ScooterJolly

HenceTheMyserty

_Person_from_cali32

sith_girlix

I honestly think this wont really help you guys (non pejorative) in coming out,

but it might help on how to think about what identity means and its value when revealed to others/the public

The second factor which determines the identity of an individual is gender (including sexual/romantic expectations).

What makes me a wo/man?

Why do we want to have sex and what defines my sexuality?

Why do we want to fall in love? What is romantic love?

These are all legitimate questions which deserve to be answered.

All too often, we let chauvinists or the capitalist system dictate the answers.

The chauvinists tell us: men are actors and women are acted upon, we must have sex to create adherents for the establishment to indoctrinate and all people should be heterosexual, we want to fall in love so we can create family units who raise children as adherents to the establishment, and romantic love is a platonic relationship between a cisgender male and a cisgender female with sex added to it.

The capitalists tell us: men are sexual actors and women are sexually acted upon (for profit), we should encourage hypersexuality (for profit and because of individual liberty), yet must not use sex for natural insemination, we want to fall in love so we can justify sex because romantic love is a platonic relationship with sex added to it.

But this is not what gender is. This is not what sex is. Gender is determined by choice.

Sexuality is determined by choice. Something as powerful as sex should only be used for natural insemination.

Romantic love is not just platonic relationship with sex added to it.

Romantic love is the camaraderie of two lovers (no matter their gender) in their struggle against chauvinism and the capitalist system.

I recently had a personal experience with my struggle of gender and sexuality.

Before the school year, my father gave me a pack of condoms saying I was a grown man now.

I threw them away.

The next day I told him about this. He was shocked.

I told him about my belief in natural insemination (creed identity) and my sexual orientation (sexual identity).

My father did not react well as an agnostic-atheist.

He told me sexuality is one of the biggest parts of intimacy.

I wondered why I had to prove my masculinity this way.

I didnt want to be masculine at all. I dont believe I am a male.

I dont believe I am sexual. I believe gender is the useless characterization of an individual.

This defines my gender identity. I believe I am asexual.

This is my sexual orientation; my sexual identity.

I dont want to sacrifice the ideals I have held all my life for ten seconds of pleasure.

I dont want to have sex (like a heterosexual fe/male would not want to have sex with another fe/male) because of my orientation. Yet, at a fundamental level, society teaches us to mindlessly pursue all forms of sexual pleasure: one of my guardians told me to have sex.

Society teaches us that all one should look forward to is sex. In a romantic relationship, sex is almost always considered the most intimate action of the union. Masculinity and femininity are what wo/men use to achieve this pointless goal.

forgot the end:

It is high time that people unite to find a common identity. It is high time that the human race dismantles these corrupt systems which degrade our identities. It is high time that we answer the question who are we?[/size]

Thank you for sharing that. Story aside, your writing style is admirable and I appreciate that you shared your personal experience.

When I realized I was, in fact, asexual, I thought about how to tell my parents; they were constantly getting on me about not having relationships. When I finally got the nerve to tell my mom (my parents don't live together) she said that was fine and I 'may change my mind later.' That last part kind of stung, but I still hugged her and thanked her for being there for me.

My dad, on the other hand, is still in the dark. He is an avid 'stereotypical relations' lover, and I don't think he'd even acknowledge my asexuality. Any ideas on how to get him to really hear me....?

I'm no expert on the subject by any means but I'd suggest you let him know gradually. Work asexuality into a conversation some time and hopefully he'll be open to hearing you explain what it is. Maybe, if he inquires why you're not in a relationship (sexual, though I doubt fathers are always so forthright), gently explain why and from there introduce the idea that you are asexual. Hopefully he won't just reject the fact all together, but expect that he might tell you that you might "change your mind." I've heard that one before, and though it stings a bit, when people (fathers) say it, its usually because they're actually trying to be supportive but they just haven't quite wrapped their minds around it yet.

In summary: try to test the waters a bit before diving right in. Good luck!

Edited October 20, 2014 by byanyothername
merged posts (Tea); edited quote with spoilers (BB)

[vcq14]

I just came out to a gay coworker who's been through his own share of discrimination...and it was anticlimactic (he was like..."what prompted this?"). What I wasn't saying (or what I haven't opened up about) was the fact that my loneliness / isolation stems from my Asperger's rather than my asexuality...I have too many problems relating to people and it's emotionally and physically draining. I don't know why I thought coming out was a good idea...I certainly don't discuss asexuality with my other gay friends, parents or coworkers...

And my (neurotypical) mother keeps dropping hints about me joining church groups to "meet people," which is hilarious as a) I am an atheist with Buddhist leanings and b) I've tried to imply in the past that I am asexual.

[vcq14]

And does anyone else get the feeling that people are more disturbed by your LACK of sexuality than if you just came out and said you were gay/bi/trans? I'm already discriminated against for being an Aspie, I feel like it's one more way that NTs are emphasizing that I am somehow "broken" because I don't need / crave sex or intimacy.

[sharkie-sharkie]

I have considered coming out as Asexual to my parents, It isn't the safest conditions for me to come out right now and even if they were safe enough for me to do so, I'm still scared and nervous to...... I told my brother i was asexual and he threatened to out me to my parents and thinks i'm in denial of being a lesbian.

How would i be able to safely to come out?

[AceInhibitor]

I really want to tell my friends but I feel like my family should be the first people to hear me actually say it. I'll probably tell my sister first and then my mum and the rest of my family. Can't decide whether to do it in person or just over facebook seeing as I won't be home until Christmas, and even though I'll be seeing them before then I don't think there'll be a good opportunity. I mean it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things because I've been telling them for years I'm planning to be a cat lady and adopt children, and I think my mum's aware that I'm not exactly enthusiastic about sex, so I doubt they'll be surprised. I've kind of suggested it in the past when I was questioning and she brushed it off, but I think she'd take it seriously if I explained it properly, although she's a bit sceptical about the idea of asexuality. No idea how my dad would react. He'd probably be confused. They don't want to know about my sex life anyway, I think it would matter to them more if I was aromantic as well. Not a clue about my brother. It's going to take a while to convince them though because I have a lot of crushes, so I'll have to explain the whole romantic attraction vs sexual attraction thing.

Coming out to my friends probably won't surprise them either. They've heard me talk about it enough so really it's just a matter of actually saying 'I'm asexual', and seeing as I think of my friends might be as well it won't bother them, although I reckon there'll be a few raised eyebrows and 'Really? The amount you talk about boys and flirt with people?' Well yeah but it's like friendly flirting rather than 'seductive'. To be honest I don't think I really care what their reactions are seeing as whether I get laid or not is none of their business, I just want to actually use the label.