Seeking advice from sexuals in relationships w/ aces

[Finding_Zuul]

This post may be TMI:

I'm a sexual who's in a relationship with an asexual. We've been dating for a few months now, and we have just recently figured out he's asexual. I'm highly HIGHLY physically and romantically attracted to him. We've had sex before, but he never seems to be "there" when we do.

Anyway, we haven't had sex since his self discovery. Before we knew, I thought maybe it was my fault that sex wasn't going exactly how I had hoped it would go - that maybe if I tried hard enough, he would become more physically attracted to me. Now that it's clear that he's not physically attracted to me (in fact, not physically attracted to ANYONE) and that there's no changing that, I feel like I don't want to have sex with him anymore. He said he'd keep doing it with me for my benefit, but I find no appeal in having sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me.

Note: I still want sex - I just don't think I want sex with him anymore.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? What did you do about it?

Thanks as always,

Finding Zuul

[binary suns]

[Guest]

This post may be TMI:

I'm a sexual who's in a relationship with an asexual. We've been dating for a few months now, and we have just recently figured out he's asexual. I'm highly HIGHLY physically and romantically attracted to him. We've had sex before, but he never seems to be "there" when we do.

Anyway, we haven't had sex since his self discovery. Before we knew, I thought maybe it was my fault that sex wasn't going exactly how I had hoped it would go - that maybe if I tried hard enough, he would become more physically attracted to me. Now that it's clear that he's not physically attracted to me (in fact, not physically attracted to ANYONE) and that there's no changing that, I feel like I don't want to have sex with him anymore. He said he'd keep doing it with me for my benefit, but I find no appeal in having sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me.

Note: I still want sex - I just don't think I want sex with him anymore.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? What did you do about it?

Thanks as always,

Finding Zuul

Yup, many of us feel that way. Having sex with someone who doesn't match your desire is horrible (for many people).

[Finding_Zuul]

I have talked to him about this... but we both don't really know what to do. How do you get past something like this?

[Lady Girl]

I have talked to him about this... but we both don't really know what to do. How do you get past something like this?

Sometimes you do and sometimes you don't. For awhile, I was okay with it...knowing that he loved and cared about me was all I needed. Then sometimes it started bothering me because I felt like it was too much of an obligation and sex shouldn't be that way. Ultimately, we both couldn't quite bring ourselves to enjoy it at all so we've become celibate.

Much to my surprise, I'm fine with it. But we've been married a long time and tried the other options available to mixed couples and neither was for us. We really want to be together and if it has to be sexless, I'm just glad I happened to be able to adapt. If I was still a pile of tears all the time, I would probably have to try the breaking up option again.

[Guest]

I have talked to him about this... but we both don't really know what to do. How do you get past something like this?

Sometimes you do and sometimes you don't. For awhile, I was okay with it...knowing that he loved and cared about me was all I needed. Then sometimes it started bothering me because I felt like it was too much of an obligation and sex shouldn't be that way. Ultimately, we both couldn't quite bring ourselves to enjoy it at all so we've become celibate.

Much to my surprise, I'm fine with it. But we've been married a long time and tried the other options available to mixed couples and neither was for us. We really want to be together and if it has to be sexless, I'm just glad I happened to be able to adapt. If I was still a pile of tears all the time, I would probably have to try the breaking up option again.

I personally find it easier to avoid sex than to deal with the emotional cycle I fall into when we have it. It goes like this:

A. I think sex may be coming and I get anxious and start fretting about if she feels like she has to

B. I start feeling like she wants to

C. We have sex and while we're doing it and immediately after, I feel that blissy love thing

D. Within about 2 days I start feeling horrible, and that everything was an act, and that I was the only one who felt anything, and I feel terrible, but I still want more sex because I just had sex!

E. I eventually get past the strong emotional memories of the sex we had, and things settle back into normal.

I hate that cycle and I don't know how to stop it, except by not having sex. Sorry I'm not more help. :(

[Finding_Zuul]

I have talked to him about this... but we both don't really know what to do. How do you get past something like this?

Sometimes you do and sometimes you don't. For awhile, I was okay with it...knowing that he loved and cared about me was all I needed. Then sometimes it started bothering me because I felt like it was too much of an obligation and sex shouldn't be that way. Ultimately, we both couldn't quite bring ourselves to enjoy it at all so we've become celibate.

Much to my surprise, I'm fine with it. But we've been married a long time and tried the other options available to mixed couples and neither was for us. We really want to be together and if it has to be sexless, I'm just glad I happened to be able to adapt. If I was still a pile of tears all the time, I would probably have to try the breaking up option again.

I personally find it easier to avoid sex than to deal with the emotional cycle I fall into when we have it. It goes like this:

A. I think sex may be coming and I get anxious and start fretting about if she feels like she has to

B. I start feeling like she wants to

C. We have sex and while we're doing it and immediately after, I feel that blissy love thing

D. Within about 2 days I start feeling horrible, and that everything was an act, and that I was the only one who felt anything, and I feel terrible, but I still want more sex because I just had sex!

E. I eventually get past the strong emotional memories of the sex we had, and things settle back into normal.

I hate that cycle and I don't know how to stop it, except by not having sex. Sorry I'm not more help. :(

Skullery,

That's what I'm afraid of... though I wouldn't describe myself as a highly sexual person, I am still quite young and exploring my sexual horizons. When we started dating, I considered myself "dating around." I had no idea I'd fall in love. Now, at the tender age of 23, I'm wondering if my sexual life is over. I hope this isn't the case, but at the same time, I can't see having sex with him without some sort of emotional damage.

Still, I'm not willing to give up on sex all together. There has to be some sort of compromise that will make us both happy!

Thanks as always,

Finding Zuul

[Guest]

Give it time. It's a trial and error process to see what each of you likes, doesn't like, can learn to enjoy, etc. This is all very new yet, so how you feel right now isn't how you'll feel in 6 months... whether you'll feel better or worse in 6 months, I don't know, but hopefully, better! It takes some getting used to, emotionally, to deal with the lack of desire. It definitely got easier for me and many others, because with time came reinforcement of our partner's promises (they love us even if they don't want sex, etc).

[Down in Texas]

There are NO right or wrong way in dealing with this emotional ride you find yourself on except blame and cruelty. It is neither of your fault for being WHO you are sexually. Our sexuality is set at birth! That said it is ok to walk away if you are not able to handle the lack of sexual fulfillment you need in this relationship. I know that if I had known our sexual disparity before I was married I would not have gone forward with my marriage. That does not mean that I do not LOVE my husband however it has grown into a compatible form of Love instead of the passionate form I had so longed for. There is so much missing that could have been if I had known about asexuality at an earlier age.

I am NOT telling you to leave but I will tell you if you can not be happy with things the way they are now that they most likely will not change. So before going much further search your emotional and physical needs and make a valued judgement that only YOU can make.

[Chardog]

Maybe he wants to have sex with you because he enjoys pleasuring you, but not for the sake of sex itself... You could try clarifying that with him because sometimes we don't communicate our feelings in a way the other person understands. If that is the case, then there is still a want there (just not the same kind of want you have for sex as a sexual).

[Down in Texas]

And for some Sexuals that is not enough. Others are able to deal. The thing is the decision should be made before you commit to a Lifelong Relationship.

[Sally]

Down, some people are not aware of their asexuality when they marry, and some people don't consider marriage to be necessarily a life-long commitment. That latter feeling often comes from a religious point of view, and not everyone agrees with it. One reason I can see it would be a hindrance to someone's life is all the posts I see on AVEN from people who feel trapped in unhappy marriages for decades. A life-long commitment shouldn't make both parties miserable.

[Martin de V]

I almost started in here blind and shouting, "Run away and avoid the pain!" but it was too late. You're already in this thing, and it sounds like you want to stay with him.

Tough call, but i applaud it.

I have talked to him about this... but we both don't really know what to do. How do you get past something like this?

You talk. A lot. There may be shouting and crying involved; there is here. You stop and figure out if you can deal with it (eventually, we figured out we could). You decide if your love for your partner trumps having (or not having) sex with that partner, even if the partner in question isn't really "there." I'm lucky; my wife's gray. If I can get her to commit to actually starting, she gets into it eventually.

But it took a lot to get to that point. Communication, constantly, is the key. Accepting that he may not be into it like you are, but he's willing to do it to make you happy, is a huge, huge thing. That's part of compromise: Being willing to do the thing because it's something their partner wants/needs is a sign, from my perspective at least, that the ace partner cares about the sexual partner.

The sexual partner needs, in turn, to be willing to do with a little less (or in some cases, a lot less) sex than they'd prefer, and that they're not necessarily going to get the degree of response they want. I've been with my wife for ten years, married for nine of those, and we're finally reaching an equilibrium. I'm getting more than I was, less than I'd like, and she's not as enthusiastic as I'd like sometimes...but she meets me in the middle. For my part, I accept the gift I'm given and I don't push too hard.

And I'm rambling. How do you deal with it? You fight for it, but you also accept that things are going to be harder than you'd like. But I urge you to accept the gift he's offering you. If the relationship is going to work out, you need to figure out where your middle ground is.

I wish you luck.

[rjtucke]

A few somewhat disconnected thoughts-

I'm in similar place for about the last year of my marriage. Frustration waxes and wanes. I'm deeply in love with her and I feel that even at its worst, the sexual frustration is worth it. Of course, frustration and resentment are toxic feelings! I'm struggling to understand how to turn my anger into something healthy. Talking on here seems to help, as I feel less alone. On the other hand, dwelling on my 'situation' DOESN'T help, as I can spiral down into deeper resentment if I think about it too much.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know I'm here for you (along with many many others).

[frednsa]

from my limited perspective - you'll never be happy in that situation. my only experience is having been married to an asexual for over 40 years and would never have married her if i'd known. just sayin'.................

still married and not happy