Can someone help me

[Endymion]

So.... I guess I just need help figuring some stuff out about my sexuality and attractions etc. So I'm just going to lay it all bare and ask for advice.

So I'm a young adult (not going to specify) and I've never had a romantic relationship (asexual, sexual, or otherwise) and while I'm not opposed to a romantic relationship per se, I just am terrified by the concept of relationships (tough I desperately want to have romantic one, I don't know) and I can't imagine being in a sexual relationship.

I grew up in a family where you don't have sex until your married (I was actually told not to have sex before I was married for age before actually being told what sex was) and I guess I started to question my sexuality when I realized that, while I recognized that it was "out of the question" to have sex before being married (note that I do not judge anyone who has premarital sex and I don't think you have to be celibate until marriage. I'm only repeating what I was told) I started to almost desperately wonder if I could be married and still not have sex. Like at all.

So I realized that sex didn't appeal to me. I didn't know what sexuality really was, though, a year ago when my friend brought up asexuals and going through life without having to have sex and not needing it. I proceeded to ask "Can I decide to just be asexual then." I was, at the time, unfamiliar with the distinction between aromantic and asexual and thought they were one in the same. I was very aware that I was romantically attracted to people at the time (or thought I was) but I thought romantic attraction meant I couldn't be asexual. Little did I know.

I've arrived at the general conclusion that I'm asexual because I have no interest in sex, especially sex in the terms of intercourse with another person, (though I create sexual fantasies to relieve sexual tension (is that the right term) every couple of months when y body feels it. I also tried masturbating (good gods I can barely even force myself to type that part) though after barely a minute's time I realized I had no desire to continue) though I have no godly idea what my romantic orientation is.

I don't know, though, I guess I keep second guessing myself because I've never been in a relationship to test it out (so to say) and because of aforementioned thought and actions. At the same time, however, I still am really uncomfortable about the idea of partaking in sex and it has zero appeal for me; I'd just as soon glide through life without ever having it. I also don't think I've ever found people sexually attractive. In terms of aesthetics I've considered people cute, handsome, etc. and in terms of romantic "This is a really great person that I wouldn't mind knowing better and more closely" (though this hasn't been in a while (2 years)) but I've never felt a desire to have sex with someone or become sexually intimate. I've never felt aroused by another person.

So any ideas on what the heck I am would be greatly appreciated and I'd be much obliged for any advice.

[Ryudrazon]

The way it sounds to me, I would hazard a guess that you are:

- Asexual (I'm pretty sure you've already got that one figured out - someone that doesn't experience sexual attraction)

- Sex-repulsed (I think this one is pretty self-explanatory, but just in case, someone that is, in short, grossed out by everything about sexual acts in general)

- Non-libidoist (I am. It means you don't have a sex drive - though sex might or might not feel good (which it sounds like, for you, it doesn't) you feel no desire to sexually pleasure yourself or be pleasured.

* Side note: I've heard a lot of asexuals and even sex-repusled people on here talk about creating sexual fantasies even if they would never actually partake in because they might find them unappealing, disgusting, loathsome, etc., but that nonetheless seem to help them to create or to be enjoyable to create - so it doesn't necessarily mean that you aren't those things if you have/create sexual fantasies

- Alloromantic (I'm not going to worry about guessing which direction/s you might be going with that, since you didn't really provide much on it, but it 'allo-' is just the opposite of 'a-' and alloromantic means someone who experiences romantic attraction. If the idea of being in a close relationship with someone, perhaps long-term (or perhaps not), emotionally and perhaps also physically (but non-sexually) appeals to you, then I would guess that you are this)

Note: I'm not saying here "You are this." Please don't interpret it as that. It's just my guesses based on how I read into what you said. The only one who can really answer those questions is you.

(Sorry about confusing wording with any of that. I'm bad about ranting with stuff...)

Anyway. Past that... Advice?

If you want a relationship and aren't comfortable ever having sex, that might make your life a bit harder but it certainly doesn't mean you're bound to be alone forever. While sexuals do, unfortunately, tend towards needing sex in a relationship (as one might expect), I know that there are plenty who would be okay without it as long as the relationship were fulfilling romantically and otherwise - and then, of course, there's always the hope of meeting an asexual, or someone like myself who is sexual (feels attraction) but non-libidoist (has no drive, no interest in sexual stimulation for themselves, etc. basically wouldn't want sex unless you did and would be just as well of without it). There are plenty of ways for relationships to work out without any sex involved, and I would certainly advise never to compromise if you are uncomfortable with the idea of ever having sex, since you shouldn't need to.

More immediately, I don't know how much you've done of this already, but I'd suggest doing what I (and so many others before me) have done - browse around on AVEN, read whatever looks interesting, relevant, etc.. It can help to figure out what there is, and consequently what you might be, and personally I found that finally being able to put a specific label on myself and go "oh, hey, I'm this" made me feel a lot more comfortable about it, even if they were things I was already aware of.

... I hope that you can actually get something useful out of my long-winded rantings and musings. In any case, best of luck to you in the future!

[Ace of Cakes]

Hi there!

I grew up in the same sort of scenario as you did, and was always so confused as to why waiting until marriage was supposed to be so hard. I thought maybe a light switch would turn on when I got married and that I'd want it then, but now I realize how foolish that was!

From what you've said it sounds to me like you're an allo-romantic asexual. It all comes down to whether or not you feel attraction, and you've said you do feel romantically attracted, but it doesn't sound as though you feel sexually attracted to anyone, so that seems to be that. As for what your exact romantic orientation is, don't worry about defining it right away. You can figure it out with time :)

Also, a note about some of your doubts: Don't fall into the trap of thinking that you can only know how you feel if you've tried it out. However, if it helps at all, I had a ton of doubts about my asexuality and stuff and pretty much denied it straight out until I was in my first relationship and realized that nothing had changed. So it might be the same for you. If you're not comfortable identifying as ace and don't feel like you can know for sure until you're in a relationship, that's okay too though. You're in charge! It also sounds like you might be a bit sex-repulsed as you're talking about really not liking the idea of having sex, but I can't really be sure. I'm not really an expert at this. Of course, in the end, you have to decide how to identify. It takes time, and that's alright. Good luck with your journey :)

Oh, and now Ryudrazon has added a wonderful reply and I must say I agree! (I'm non-libidoist too!)

[Member54880]

Welcome! It sounds like you could be asexual. Non-asexuals who had the kind of upbringing you had, can still realize that they desire sex with others.

Here's a list of romantic orientation terms, see it might help you out: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/76092-romantic-and-aromantic-lexicon-and-faq/

However, it's possible that none of those labels might fit. Not all asexuals find romantic orientation to be a meaningful concept to them personally, like if they feel like they don't distinguish between romantic and platonic feelings, or find those distinctions to be clear. I'm one of those who personally doesn't find those distinctions clear.

[Akira Jumps]

I have a family who is pretty strict about that too - if you got pregnant my parents kick you out - but I've never really had a problem keeping that rule. Though I like relationships of the heart, relationships of the body are kind of irrelevant to me. Though, even saying that, I have never been in a romantic relationship nor crushed on/wanted to be with someone in my life.

My suggestion would be to keep relationships as safe as you want them to be. If you don't feel comfortable having a sexual relationship, don't. If you are repulsed by sex or sexual acts, you should stay away from them for your own health. Non-asexuals may find this strange, as most of them relate sex to love, but they are two different things. Just be sure to be honest with yourself and others. If you do decide to go into a relationship, be sure your partner understands that you do not enjoy/want to have sex. This understanding - that you don't want to have sex because you don't and not because you don't want to with them - will keep your relationships more secure.

Trust is the key to understanding and vice versa.