Aromantics: Emotional intimacy and guilt.

[Fire & Rain]

I've been known to get my close/best friends to emotionally open up to me even before I knew aromanticsm existed. I enjoy this intense emotional intimacy I have/had with very few people. I yearn for it and my friends told me that they had never let any friend be this close to them emotionally. Some even said they cared more about me than anyone they had ever known including their romantic partners.

The problem is that none of them were aromantic. They began to fall for me romantically after a while and that's when I feel really guilty for acquiring this emotional intimacy (and sometimes non-sexual physical intimacy too) because I feel like it gives them false hope.

I can be more than satisfied with gray-relationships that aren't clearly platonic or romantic but my friends always want more at some point. I am romance repulsed and I can't handle being in romantic relationships. I just can't. That's when I start to distance myself from them slowly. Then they would date other people and I was left alone because I can't bring myself to make them closer to me even more than they were before.

Has anyone ever experienced anything like this?

How do I cope with all these heart break?

Would it be wrong if I let a gray-relationship like this go on even if I knew that my friend would want more?

or any comments or advice?

Thanks :)

[realm96]

That really sucks, although I can relate. I don't know how exactly you could deal with the whole situation but I've had a couple of different situations where stuff like thins has happened. The first time happened before I identified as ace though and I ended up dating them because I couldn't think of a nice way to say no. Sometimes the other person would figure out that I wasn't interested in them that way and we would go back to being really good friends, just like we were before. Another time it happened was after I discovered that I was ace. I ended up dealing with it in a really stupid way because I panicked. I avoided the guy for months and he was one of my best friends. I ended up getting kind of depressed and in general was just in a bad place. Don't do that. It isn't good for anyone involved. The most recent time though I let everyone see how I felt because I just couldn't deal with how everything was going. It turned out that everyone else was really supportive of me and it ended up working out really well.

Go with what you think is right I guess. But before you decide to do something stupid think it through and see if that's really what you want to do or if you're just panicking. I'm probably not the best person to listen to but I think it might be the best way to deal with it.

[Fire & Rain]

That really sucks, although I can relate. I don't know how exactly you could deal with the whole situation but I've had a couple of different situations where stuff like thins has happened. The first time happened before I identified as ace though and I ended up dating them because I couldn't think of a nice way to say no. Sometimes the other person would figure out that I wasn't interested in them that way and we would go back to being really good friends, just like we were before. Another time it happened was after I discovered that I was ace. I ended up dealing with it in a really stupid way because I panicked. I avoided the guy for months and he was one of my best friends. I ended up getting kind of depressed and in general was just in a bad place. Don't do that. It isn't good for anyone involved. The most recent time though I let everyone see how I felt because I just couldn't deal with how everything was going. It turned out that everyone else was really supportive of me and it ended up working out really well.

Go with what you think is right I guess. But before you decide to do something stupid think it through and see if that's really what you want to do or if you're just panicking. I'm probably not the best person to listen to but I think it might be the best way to deal with it.

I also ended up dating a few of them out of guilt. It all ended up badly. They thought I didn't love them at all but I did love them platonically but that’s not the type of love they wanted.

I feel like I'm stuck in this infinite loop. I meet someone I get along with. We become great friends. I'm happy and they want something more. They ask me out. If I say yes, we break up a few months later. If I say no, they look for other people and I'm pushed back under "regular friends". This loop resets every 2 or 3 years. I'm tired of it.

Thanks for replying :) Just knowing that I'm not the only one facing this kind of thing is already making me feel better.

[realm96]

That really sucks, although I can relate. I don't know how exactly you could deal with the whole situation but I've had a couple of different situations where stuff like thins has happened. The first time happened before I identified as ace though and I ended up dating them because I couldn't think of a nice way to say no. Sometimes the other person would figure out that I wasn't interested in them that way and we would go back to being really good friends, just like we were before. Another time it happened was after I discovered that I was ace. I ended up dealing with it in a really stupid way because I panicked. I avoided the guy for months and he was one of my best friends. I ended up getting kind of depressed and in general was just in a bad place. Don't do that. It isn't good for anyone involved. The most recent time though I let everyone see how I felt because I just couldn't deal with how everything was going. It turned out that everyone else was really supportive of me and it ended up working out really well.

Go with what you think is right I guess. But before you decide to do something stupid think it through and see if that's really what you want to do or if you're just panicking. I'm probably not the best person to listen to but I think it might be the best way to deal with it.

I also ended up dating a few of them out of guilt. It all ended up badly. They thought I didn't love them at all but I did love them platonically but that’s not the type of love they wanted.

I feel like I'm stuck in this infinite loop. I meet someone I get along with. We become great friends. I'm happy and they want something more. They ask me out. If I say yes, we break up a few months later. If I say no, they look for other people and I'm pushed back under "regular friends". This loop resets every 2 or 3 years. I'm tired of it.

Thanks for replying :) Just knowing that I'm not the only one facing this kind of thing is already making me feel better.

I know that a lot of people will say that they aren't looking for a relationship at the moment whenever something like this becomes an issue. I think the hardest part of the whole thing and the biggest obstacle that you have to face is finding a group of people who love you no matter what. The time where everything pretty much worked out for was with people that I do consider family. Either way, it happens in my other group of friends and sometimes I think we have to force each other to not walk away because of crap like that. I think the thing that pisses people off is that they think they're being rejected and they get hurt even though we don't see it as rejection. Maybe trying to communicate that across a little better will help???

It's no problem for replying it actually makes me feel a lot better too knowing that I'm not just imagining the whole thing. ^_^

[WünderBâhr]

I guess it can also depend on how people become "close". Even if it doesn't lead anywhere, the attachment and then eventual "don't really want a relationship" discussion can still cause a lot of hurt when the other person wants more. It's not your fault that they feel those things, but it's not really their fault, either. If you're lucky enough yo find another aromantic to get close to who values the same sort of emotional togetherness that doesn't cross into romance, well, I suppose that would be the ideal. I'm not sure aromantic + romantic relationships can really work if in the end you are both looking for a different sort of intimacy.

[Fire & Rain]

We need more aromantics!! I've never met one irl :(

[The Wreyck]

I have this problem a lot. More than I should considering how asocial I am. But for me it happens with nearly every friend I form. Pretty every each one, actually. I dislike romance and find it illogical and unnecessary. However, I want to be extremely and intimately close each time I form a real friendship, especially since forming friendship is so difficult for me. I rarely look for sexual intimacy, but non-sexual, highly sensual physical intimacy is something I also strongly desire with them (though usually I refrain on that). So, I form insanely intense, intimate bonds with these people, platonically. The majority of them have developed romantic feelings for me at some point, both male and female. However, with a good number of them, even the ones romantically interested, that is not when problems arose. What happens is that eventually they become interested romantically in another person, whether because they chose to give up on me (which sadly results in distancing) or because they were incapable of being romantically interested in me due to orientation. But, this happens, each and every time almost. Someone else shows up as a romantic interest, and that's when things go downhill for me.

The thing is that I don't think romance is a completely terrible thing, though I would certainly prefer if there was not quite so much emphasis on it. I find it illogical for me personally. And, I despise it for trying to enter my world of friendships. Because even though I don't want a romantic relationship with my close friends, I do want a heavily intimate, platonic relationship, and when they become involved in romance, they without fail become more distant from me. So.... I have been known to accidentally sabotage such potential relationships from forming too deeply.... Most of this sabotaging took place before I knew what aromanticism was. It went like this: someone showed up romantically in my friend's life, I became insanely jealous of the attention given to them and fearful, I determined that this chain of events must mean I romantically liked them (by encouragement from other acquaintances involved), and pursued a romantic relationship with the close friend before the other person could. And, of course, each time it did not work out, at all, because I couldn't handle the romance. I dumped each person in under 4 days.

Nowadays I try to control the urges to sabotage, but sometimes the malice leaks out in less direct ways, and I'm always still around long after the romantic partner. But I feel tension building with the few close friends I have left as time goes on. I'm quite certain the tension is only felt on my end. But my restlessness is worsening because of it. I feel guilty to take them away from romance and love, but I feel angry and hurt to be replaced by some fool when I've been by their sides for much longer, supporting and being with them.

[Fire & Rain]

"Someone else shows up as a romantic interest, and that's when things go downhill for me."

This for me is so true. I feel uncomfortable when someone has romantic feelings for me. I don't know why but I just do. I enjoy some romantic things but wihtout the romantic attraction.

"I have been known to accidentally sabotage such potential relationships from forming too deeply"

I did the same thing when I was younger. I find it so easily to manipulate others that I've done it before without even realizing it. Nowadays I also refrain myself from doing it because I find it very unethical.

Bottom line is I want to be one of their primary partners but for most people primary partners are romantic :(

[The Wreyck]

Bottom line is I want to be one of their primary partners but for most people primary partners are romantic :(

Exactly. And then it gets harder, because the only people I've met in recent times that I could hope for any permanence are online. And even then, they're Ace, but not Aro, unfortunately. And, what really gets it for me is that I LIKE physical intimacy a lot. I'm extremely sensual, but it's hard to get a friend who could have sensuality as well as the emotional intimacy without some sort of feelings forming. I have formed a couple extremely close friendships, at least one of them which they value me more than their romantic partners, or even their family. But I could never have any of the sensuality with them that I desire, because they're not attracted to females. And so the relationship has become a frustration for me in that sense, especially as this summer she picked up a boyfriend, even if I know he means almost nothing, and also that I am still by far the most important. It's still so frustrating.

One bad habit I've also picked up is that I RP a lot. I'm an author, and not only do I RP myself into characters, but I roleplay the characters from my novels on forums with other authors and their novel characters. And I form emotional attachments to their characters, in an unhealthy way. Because it's an escape from the frustrations of how real people won't carry the kind of relationship I want. And they aren't even REAL. I can interact with these made up people and form little bonds and have little cute relationships that feel more real, because it's not my fantasies determining their actions. It's a different person, which leaves me in the dark just like with a real person, and lends to so much wrongness.

[Fire & Rain]

I'm not a good writer but I like creating characters and stories in my head and crush on them XD

I could imagine how it would be difficult for you. I'm not a very sensual person. I need a very deep emotional bond first to experience sensual attraction. Even then it's not very strong. Online relationships are sufficient enough for me but most people online are looking for romance as well :(

[The Wreyck]

In a way I prefer online relationships. The reason is that it's easier to contain the sensual desires when I don't actually know you in person, or at least don't see you in person on a regular basis. But it's also stifling in a way, because I'm paranoid and always worried about how important I am to online people, what with their ability to have more REAL friends, in person and such. Plus, I tend to repel people in real life for whatever reason. However, I've discovered that I am somehow very charismatic and loved online. It's a strange phenomenon that I can't wrap my head around.

[binary suns]

[The Wreyck]

^-^ I can tell the hyperness/not focusing-ness.

I've had that happen once. But usually when someone likes me I somewhat encourage it, to get closer to them. Because even now I'm still confused about what romance means and how I view different types of love compared to others.

[Fire & Rain]

^.^ hi you two



myself, I've had difficulty be becoming too emotionally intimate with friends! some of them have had the issue, where they were uncomfortable with it and "broke up" with me (we were just friends) and some, did definitely develop feels for me, but since I was oblivious to them or expressed directly that they were only my friend, got all heartbroken and started avoiding me

I'd say more, but my mind is totally not focusing right now, and this topic has been one that has been SO confusing for me.... I just don't know what now right to say


gosh, now I'm embarassed

(hi I am Teagan)

lol Take your time. This thread is not going anywhere :P and thanks for friending me!

^-^ I can tell the hyperness/not focusing-ness.
I've had that happen once. But usually when someone likes me I somewhat encourage it, to get closer to them. Because even now I'm still confused about what romance means and how I view different types of love compared to others.

I do too. I encourage their love and affection but I'm not even sure I want it or return it. So GUILT!!

Oops! I forgot to combine posts again!! I'm the one who's unfocused :D

[The Wreyck]

I do too. I encourage their love and affection but I'm not even sure I want it or return it. So GUILT!!

Oops! I forgot to combine posts again!! I'm the one who's unfocused :D

Aiya, such the guilt. I start to feel like I'm dragging them down and being overly pushy and selfish. And so then I try to get that point across to them.... But it doesn't always work.

[binary suns]

[The Wreyck]

I don't know what to say sorry to get your hopes up and then say nothing really

I'm trying to make words but everything is all confusing here for some reason I don't understand why

Moments like these are why I want a hug option on the forums posts!

It's fine. Take your time and relax. Don't need to feel pressured. ^-^

[Hiraeth]

My mom is aromantic and sexual, and married someone (also sexual) who is very romantic. She often characterizes their relationship as "he loves me way more than I even love myself", but she's never seem bothered by this imbalance in attraction. I'm not too sure how she deals with it - by ignoring that it's there? Although she's emphasized many times that her and her partner are buddies first, and everything else second. Maybe it's a little easier to make sense of when the sexual part is there? ("My partner is the one I have sex with")

[FoxyMulder]

I've been known to get my close/best friends to emotionally open up to me even before I knew aromanticsm existed. I enjoy this intense emotional intimacy I have/had with very few people. I yearn for it and my friends told me that they had never let any friend be this close to them emotionally. Some even said they cared more about me than anyone they had ever known including their romantic partners.

The problem is that none of them were aromantic. They began to fall for me romantically after a while and that's when I feel really guilty for acquiring this emotional intimacy (and sometimes non-sexual physical intimacy too) because I feel like it gives them false hope.

I can be more than satisfied with gray-relationships that aren't clearly platonic or romantic but my friends always want more at some point. I am romance repulsed and I can't handle being in romantic relationships. I just can't. That's when I start to distance myself from them slowly. Then they would date other people and I was left alone because I can't bring myself to make them closer to me even more than they were before.

I have this exact problem! I recently got out of a relationship with a girl (the first I had attempted in about four years) because I felt a strong bond with her and I wanted to be close to her. I didn't realize until after the relationship ended that what I wanted was platonic intimacy and not romantic or sexual intimacy. I had stopped identifying as asexual a year before we met because I didn't think I could be asexual if I wanted that kind of bond. Once the relationship ended I realized that the bond I wanted was different than the bonds that most people want and that there is nothing "wrong" with wanting platonic intimacy (i'm sorry if none of that makes sense. explaining my feelings is not something I find easy)

What I want, more than anything, is a life partnership like that of Holmes and Watson (i'm specifically talking about the written canon minus the part where John leaves Sherlock for Mary). I want someone who will be with me through everything, and I don't want to have to worry about them leaving me when they "find love" which has happened before with romantic and sexual people.

It is so hard for me to form that kind of bond because I'm a complete introvert who tends to rub people the wrong way more often than not.

[The Wreyck]

My mom is aromantic and sexual, and married someone (also sexual) who is very romantic. She often characterizes their relationship as "he loves me way more than I even love myself", but she's never seem bothered by this imbalance in attraction. I'm not too sure how she deals with it - by ignoring that it's there? Although she's emphasized many times that her and her partner are buddies first, and everything else second. Maybe it's a little easier to make sense of when the sexual part is there? ("My partner is the one I have sex with")

This relationship that you're explaining right here is actually exactly what I suspect I'll end up in some day. It just seems the most suitable considering my strong desire for a loyal sensual, deeply intimate friendship. I don't mind if they're romantically interested in me as long as they can understand that I love them deeply, just not romantically, and they can be okay with that. When I've a heavy squish on someone, I just want their attention and affection period, no matter what form it comes in. As long as they're not pushy on my feelings at least.

The problem us that usually they aren't okay with my lack of romantic love, no matter how deep my platonic love may be.

[binary suns]

[passionatefriend61]

My mom is aromantic and sexual, and married someone (also sexual) who is very romantic. She often characterizes their relationship as "he loves me way more than I even love myself", but she's never seem bothered by this imbalance in attraction. I'm not too sure how she deals with it - by ignoring that it's there? Although she's emphasized many times that her and her partner are buddies first, and everything else second. Maybe it's a little easier to make sense of when the sexual part is there? ("My partner is the one I have sex with")

This relationship that you're explaining right here is actually exactly what I suspect I'll end up in some day. It just seems the most suitable considering my strong desire for a loyal sensual, deeply intimate friendship. I don't mind if they're romantically interested in me as long as they can understand that I love them deeply, just not romantically, and they can be okay with that. Whem I've a heavy squish on someone, I just want their attention and affection period, no matter what form it comes is. As long as they're not pushy on my feelings at least.

The problem us that usually they aren't okay with my lack of romantic love, no matter how deep my platonic love may be.

I just wanted to chime in and say that you can absolutely find a queerplatonic relationship with someone who is satisfied by that, whether it's sexual or nonsexual. That goes for the Fire & Rain, too. You've got better luck with other aromantics, whether sexual or asexual, of course. But I've heard of some romantic-sexual people forming QP friendships, although obviously they also have romantic-sexual relationships too.

Really, it's as simple as deciding what you actually want and then focusing on that in ways that feel good to you. You can have any kind of relationship you want, and if you open yourself up to the possibility and start believing that there are people in the world who are a match to you and your true desire, then you'll start seeing more evidence of what you want and eventually encounter a person or people who match you. You don't have to settle for something less than or different than what you want.

Hell, nobody here is the only aromantic-spectrum asexual who wants loving, intimate, emotionally significant, physically affectionate friendship/partnership. Here we all are. There are others like us too. Not just on AVEN but elsewhere in the asexual/aromantic online sphere and offline too.

Spend more time thinking about the kind of relationships you like and why you like them and much less time focusing on what you've experienced so far that you dislike. And realize there are more people in the world like you, who want what you want, than you've acknowledged in the past.

[deltaX]

Can I join in? :D

I can relate to a lot of what's already been said. I found out recently I absolutely cannot handle romantic relationships, and am currently having to distance myself from someone who used to be one of my closest friends at college because he still has romantic feelings for me even after I told him I wasn't interested. :(

I find it hard to make friends in college in general, because everybody has romantic relationships that mean more than any friendship with me could to them. It also doesn't help that I don't live in the dorms, and people who do want intense platonic bonds with someone will usually form it with their roommate rather than someone like me.

When we're not in school, I have a really strong group of friends, but they go to different schools and skyping doesn't feel as satisfying to me as a real conversation, so its hard. Also none of them are attracted to females, with then there never really was a chance for then to be attracted to me romantically. What worries me most is that one day they'll all get boyfriends and dump me. Right now all but one is single, but since we're 20/21 that is sure to change soon.

[binary suns]

[The Wreyck]

Hugs to Teagan.

[Fire & Rain]

I don't know what to say sorry to get your hopes up and then say nothing really

I'm trying to make words but everything is all confusing here for some reason I don't understand why

▼ No problem :D Say whatever you want to say whenever you want to :P

My mom is aromantic and sexual, and married someone (also sexual) who is very romantic. She often characterizes their relationship as "he loves me way more than I even love myself", but she's never seem bothered by this imbalance in attraction. I'm not too sure how she deals with it - by ignoring that it's there? Although she's emphasized many times that her and her partner are buddies first, and everything else second. Maybe it's a little easier to make sense of when the sexual part is there? ("My partner is the one I have sex with")

▼I guess with aromantic sexuals, there will be more physical intimacy? I don't know other asexuals irl either. So my friends are romantics and sexuals.

I didn't realize until after the relationship ended that what I wanted was platonic intimacy and not romantic or sexual intimacy.

What I want, more than anything, is a life partnership like that of Holmes and Watson (i'm specifically talking about the written canon minus the part where John leaves Sherlock for Mary). I want someone who will be with me through everything, and I don't want to have to worry about them leaving me when they "find love" which has happened before with romantic and sexual people.

It is so hard for me to form that kind of bond because I'm a complete introvert who tends to rub people the wrong way more often than not.

▼ That's that happened to me before I discovered AVEN. I want the same thing too. A platonic companionship that will last for years -_- I'm a huge introvert too.

The problem us that usually they aren't okay with my lack of romantic love, no matter how deep my platonic love may be.

▼ THIS!! :D

My mom is aromantic and sexual, and married someone (also sexual) who is very romantic. She often characterizes their relationship as "he loves me way more than I even love myself", but she's never seem bothered by this imbalance in attraction. I'm not too sure how she deals with it - by ignoring that it's there? Although she's emphasized many times that her and her partner are buddies first, and everything else second. Maybe it's a little easier to make sense of when the sexual part is there? ("My partner is the one I have sex with")

This relationship that you're explaining right here is actually exactly what I suspect I'll end up in some day. It just seems the most suitable considering my strong desire for a loyal sensual, deeply intimate friendship. I don't mind if they're romantically interested in me as long as they can understand that I love them deeply, just not romantically, and they can be okay with that. Whem I've a heavy squish on someone, I just want their attention and affection period, no matter what form it comes is. As long as they're not pushy on my feelings at least.

The problem us that usually they aren't okay with my lack of romantic love, no matter how deep my platonic love may be.

I just wanted to chime in and say that you can absolutely find a queerplatonic relationship with someone who is satisfied by that, whether it's sexual or nonsexual. That goes for the Fire & Rain, too. You've got better luck with other aromantics, whether sexual or asexual, of course. But I've heard of some romantic-sexual people forming QP friendships, although obviously they also have romantic-sexual relationships too.

Really, it's as simple as deciding what you actually want and then focusing on that in ways that feel good to you. You can have any kind of relationship you want, and if you open yourself up to the possibility and start believing that there are people in the world who are a match to you and your true desire, then you'll start seeing more evidence of what you want and eventually encounter a person or people who match you. You don't have to settle for something less than or different than what you want.

Hell, nobody here is the only aromantic-spectrum asexual who wants loving, intimate, emotionally significant, physically affectionate friendship/partnership. Here we all are. There are others like us too. Not just on AVEN but elsewhere in the asexual/aromantic online sphere and offline too.

Spend more time thinking about the kind of relationships you like and why you like them and much less time focusing on what you've experienced so far that you dislike. And realize there are more people in the world like you, who want what you want, than you've acknowledged in the past.

Very encouraging words!!! Thank you :D That really made me feel better and more optimistic!

[byanyotherusername]

I just wanted to chime in and say that you can absolutely find a queerplatonic relationship with someone who is satisfied by that, whether it's sexual or nonsexual. That goes for the Fire & Rain, too. You've got better luck with other aromantics, whether sexual or asexual, of course. But I've heard of some romantic-sexual people forming QP friendships, although obviously they also have romantic-sexual relationships too.

Really, it's as simple as deciding what you actually want and then focusing on that in ways that feel good to you. You can have any kind of relationship you want, and if you open yourself up to the possibility and start believing that there are people in the world who are a match to you and your true desire, then you'll start seeing more evidence of what you want and eventually encounter a person or people who match you. You don't have to settle for something less than or different than what you want.

Hell, nobody here is the only aromantic-spectrum asexual who wants loving, intimate, emotionally significant, physically affectionate friendship/partnership. Here we all are. There are others like us too. Not just on AVEN but elsewhere in the asexual/aromantic online sphere and offline too.

Spend more time thinking about the kind of relationships you like and why you like them and much less time focusing on what you've experienced so far that you dislike. And realize there are more people in the world like you, who want what you want, than you've acknowledged in the past.

I agree with this, but placed the above part in bold because I recently had the very surreal experience of congratulating my romantic-sexual sister on her committed queerplatonic partnership. She has been friends with her partner for years, and there has always been a deep connection there that a lot of people couldn't wrap their head around (they get asked if they are a couple all the time), but they always considered it a close friendship and they both have had other serious romantic-sexual partners during the relationship and it never lessened their bond. They finally made their QPP status "official" a few months back.

So, I'm the aromantic with a deep need for nonromantic intimacy, but my sister is the one who found a QPP. Life is weird. 0.o

I'm taking it has a hopeful sign, though. Many people really do desire platonic intimacy/nontraditional relationships.

[realm96]

If I may, I think a helpful thing may be to just let things happen as they happen. Don't do anything you don't want to do, of course. But don't look at everything as half empty. You haven't found anyone that wants the same thing as you do irl yet, but that doesn't mean that there isn't hope. Personally, I really want a QPR/QPP that'll work out. Chances are, it won't happen for a while considering I don't actually know any aces irl at the present moment. Byanyotherusername is right-- life is weird. It can change at anytime.

[passionatefriend61]

I just wanted to chime in and say that you can absolutely find a queerplatonic relationship with someone who is satisfied by that, whether it's sexual or nonsexual. That goes for the Fire & Rain, too. You've got better luck with other aromantics, whether sexual or asexual, of course. But I've heard of some romantic-sexual people forming QP friendships, although obviously they also have romantic-sexual relationships too.

Really, it's as simple as deciding what you actually want and then focusing on that in ways that feel good to you. You can have any kind of relationship you want, and if you open yourself up to the possibility and start believing that there are people in the world who are a match to you and your true desire, then you'll start seeing more evidence of what you want and eventually encounter a person or people who match you. You don't have to settle for something less than or different than what you want.

Hell, nobody here is the only aromantic-spectrum asexual who wants loving, intimate, emotionally significant, physically affectionate friendship/partnership. Here we all are. There are others like us too. Not just on AVEN but elsewhere in the asexual/aromantic online sphere and offline too.

Spend more time thinking about the kind of relationships you like and why you like them and much less time focusing on what you've experienced so far that you dislike. And realize there are more people in the world like you, who want what you want, than you've acknowledged in the past.

I agree with this, but placed the above part in bold because I recently had the very surreal experience of congratulating my romantic-sexual sister on her committed queerplatonic partnership. She has been friends with her partner for years, and there has always been a deep connection there that a lot of people couldn't wrap their head around (they get asked if they are a couple all the time), but they always considered it a close friendship and they both have had other serious romantic-sexual partners during the relationship and it never lessened their bond. They finally made their QPP status "official" a few months back.

So, I'm the aromantic with a deep need for nonromantic intimacy, but my sister is the one who found a QPP. Life is weird. 0.o

I'm taking it has a hopeful sign, though. Many people really do desire platonic intimacy/nontraditional relationships.

I have to ask: what does their partnership mean to them?

Thanks for sharing their story. I'm still skeptical and generally wary of alloromantic allosexual people when it comes to friendship, especially anything serious like a queerplatonic/primary friendship/primary platonic partnership. But there really are exceptions to every rule, and I acknowledge that.

If you, as an aromantic asexual, can get your relationship needs and desires met by an alloromantic allosexual person and you meet one who wants to be your QP/platonic partner, then by all means go with it. Aromantics feel a lot safer to me than alloromantics, but I've recently concluded that sexuality is pretty irrelevant as long as my friend doesn't want sex from me. Being poly-friendly/relationship anarchist myself, a partner having sex with others isn't a big deal to me, as long as I feel secure in our friendship and in the case of a life partnership/domestic partnership, secure in the commitment made.

Please don't forget aromantic sexual people, guys! They're out there. Seriously. They vary, like everyone else, in what they want relationship wise, but plenty of the ones I've talked to are open to a nonsexual partnership and/or interested in one, if they don't already have one. They don't think like romantic sexual people. If you talk to them about relationships and sex, they'll make it very clear that they don't have the same values, priorities, dreams, etc. Many of them are romance-repulsed enough that they're avoidant of actual romantic relationships to some degree, and even the ones who "date" sexual partners prioritize their friendships and feel more emotional in friendships than their sexual relationships. If given a choice between a nonromantic/nonsexual partnership and a full-blown romantic/sexual partnership, they'll choose the friendship every time because that's what they genuinely prefer and feel more comfortable with. And sex can often times be lower on their priority list in life than most asexuals would imagine, to the point that they'd give up sex before friendship.

These days, I really do see that it's romanticism and not sexuality that's the problem when it comes to aro-spectrum people like us finding satisfying friendships and partnerships. Think about it. You're likelier to find the kind of nonsexual/nonromantic partnership you want in an aromantic sexual person who's still screwing around with other people than you are with an alloromantic asexual who wants a distinctly romantic relationship and a partner who has romantic feelings for them. And that aromantic sexual person will likely be a better friend to you, if you get close to them, than the alloromantic asexual who's coupled to someone else romantically.

[byanyotherusername]

I just wanted to chime in and say that you can absolutely find a queerplatonic relationship with someone who is satisfied by that, whether it's sexual or nonsexual. That goes for the Fire & Rain, too. You've got better luck with other aromantics, whether sexual or asexual, of course. But I've heard of some romantic-sexual people forming QP friendships, although obviously they also have romantic-sexual relationships too.

Really, it's as simple as deciding what you actually want and then focusing on that in ways that feel good to you. You can have any kind of relationship you want, and if you open yourself up to the possibility and start believing that there are people in the world who are a match to you and your true desire, then you'll start seeing more evidence of what you want and eventually encounter a person or people who match you. You don't have to settle for something less than or different than what you want.

Hell, nobody here is the only aromantic-spectrum asexual who wants loving, intimate, emotionally significant, physically affectionate friendship/partnership. Here we all are. There are others like us too. Not just on AVEN but elsewhere in the asexual/aromantic online sphere and offline too.

Spend more time thinking about the kind of relationships you like and why you like them and much less time focusing on what you've experienced so far that you dislike. And realize there are more people in the world like you, who want what you want, than you've acknowledged in the past.

I agree with this, but placed the above part in bold because I recently had the very surreal experience of congratulating my romantic-sexual sister on her committed queerplatonic partnership. She has been friends with her partner for years, and there has always been a deep connection there that a lot of people couldn't wrap their head around (they get asked if they are a couple all the time), but they always considered it a close friendship and they both have had other serious romantic-sexual partners during the relationship and it never lessened their bond. They finally made their QPP status "official" a few months back.

So, I'm the aromantic with a deep need for nonromantic intimacy, but my sister is the one who found a QPP. Life is weird. 0.o

I'm taking it has a hopeful sign, though. Many people really do desire platonic intimacy/nontraditional relationships.

I have to ask: what does their partnership mean to them?

Thanks for sharing their story. I'm still skeptical and generally wary of alloromantic allosexual people when it comes to friendship, especially anything serious like a queerplatonic/primary friendship/primary platonic partnership. But there really are exceptions to every rule, and I acknowledge that.

If you, as an aromantic asexual, can get your relationship needs and desires met by an alloromantic allosexual person and you meet one who wants to be your QP/platonic partner, then by all means go with it. Aromantics feel a lot safer to me than alloromantics, but I've recently concluded that sexuality is pretty irrelevant as long as my friend doesn't want sex from me. Being poly-friendly/relationship anarchist myself, a partner having sex with others isn't a big deal to me, as long as I feel secure in our friendship and in the case of a life partnership/domestic partnership, secure in the commitment made.

Please don't forget aromantic sexual people, guys! They're out there. Seriously. They vary, like everyone else, in what they want relationship wise, but plenty of the ones I've talked to are open to a nonsexual partnership and/or interested in one, if they don't already have one. They don't think like romantic sexual people. If you talk to them about relationships and sex, they'll make it very clear that they don't have the same values, priorities, dreams, etc. Many of them are romance-repulsed enough that they're avoidant of actual romantic relationships to some degree, and even the ones who "date" sexual partners prioritize their friendships and feel more emotional in friendships than their sexual relationships. If given a choice between a nonromantic/nonsexual partnership and a full-blown romantic/sexual partnership, they'll choose the friendship every time because that's what they genuinely prefer and feel more comfortable with. And sex can often times be lower on their priority list in life than most asexuals would imagine, to the point that they'd give up sex before friendship.

These days, I really do see that it's romanticism and not sexuality that's the problem when it comes to aro-spectrum people like us finding satisfying friendships and partnerships. Think about it. You're likelier to find the kind of nonsexual/nonromantic partnership you want in an aromantic sexual person who's still screwing around with other people than you are with an alloromantic asexual who wants a distinctly romantic relationship and a partner who has romantic feelings for them. And that aromantic sexual person will likely be a better friend to you, if you get close to them, than the alloromantic asexual who's coupled to someone else romantically.

I am wary of such generalizations in general, but I admit that this has definitely crossed my mind. Regardless of whether certain people may be more likely drawn to nonromantic intimacy, I don't think there is any category of people who will never be drawn to it or somehow incapable of such relationships. Most people crave some degree of nonromantic intimacy (whether it be with family, children, pets, etc.) and anyone may decide that such intimacy is a high priority for them.

In response to the question about my sister's QPP relationship--to them it is more about the emotional commitment than practical commitments, though they are most likely moving in together after my sister finishes school next year. How permanent that would be is undecided, mostly because they don't feel the need to tie their relationship to any particular living situation and will do what works for both of them best as their lives unfold, but they both say they can easily imagine living together for the rest of their lives. Basically, they have been best friends for years, and connect on a level they do not experience with their other friends or with romantic partners--when they read about QPP relationships, they felt it came the closest to expressing what they meant to each other. They feel like they compliment each other in a very important, unique and irreplaceable way. They get together several times a week on average, talk or text almost daily, go on vacations together, etc. In the past one of my sister's boyfriends actually became jealous of the relationship--just because of the amount time/priority she gave her partner (who was not yet her partner) not because he expected anything romantic or sexual was happening. That was one of many reasons my sister and that boyfriend broke up, but for the most part she and her partner have been able to carry on romantic-sexual relationships harmoniously with their relationship.