Prudishness - Does it Come with Asexuality?

[EmotionalAndroid]

All my life I have been a terrible prude. So much so that I can't even watch a lot of modern TV shows and movies because they are far too vulgar for my liking and make me feel really uncomfortable. I feel it's really affected my ability to make friends, as I can't just go out to a movie with people or discuss a lot of modern topics.

I've been told by my mom that being a prude is bad. For example, I say I don't want to wear a shirt that is low-cut and and she says things like "But you don't want to be a prude!" Really, I don't see what is wrong with being such. It's better than being the opposite, right? Besides the interference with my ability to make friends, I like being a prude. I think I have a very strong sense of morals.

Now that I know I am asexual, I am wondering if my prudishness stems from it? If I eventually come out to my family or anyone, I don't want them to think that I am asexual just because I am a prude and am afraid.

I watched a video containing advice about coming out (See video at the bottom of this post) and it encourages you to tell people you are comfortable with the concept of sex. I don't think I could honestly do that. I guess I am ok that other people like it, but I in no way want it associated with me at all. I don't even feel comfortable talking about it. This is the main reason I am afraid of coming out. Just to put things into perspective: I almost passed out in my college health class during the sex ed lecture. I actually had to leave the room and put my head down.

So my question is, does prudishness come with asexuality? Does anyone else have this problem, and how do you deal with it?

Here is the aforementioned video that is actually really positive!

[Lady Valacri]

I don't think the two come hand in hand. I am not prude in the slightest bit. I curse like a sailor, I love the naked female forum, and yeah, I'm into some kinky stuff. I, however, get uncomfortable when people make it seem like sex is the only good thing worth living for. When sex become a need instead of a want, I get a bit prude-ish.

Just like how sexual people can be prude, I think asexuals can be prude. I like to see it as a personality trait, not a sexuality trait.

[littleheartsofjoy]

Yeah, I am also a prude but nope, saying that it could come with asexuality is a very far reach. I don't know if I'm a prude to the extent that you are though.

[kelico]

Well, I wouldn't actually use the word "prude" (at least not for me). It sounds so negative! Who you are and what your preferences are don't make you bad/weird/prudish. I can relate to so much of what you said! I'm very conservative with how I dress, and talking about sex makes me really uncomfortable lol. But I wouldn't say that being asexual directly connects to your conservative behavior. Everyone is different. Some aces are more sex-indifferent than others. It might be more common among aces than allosexuals, but how you feel isn't necessarily an asexual thing. Regardless, you aren't alone!! : )

[Anime Pancake]

Hi!

So refreshing to hear this!

It's in my nature to not be interested in certain things. Things that are pretty much normal to lots of other people.

I feel so uncomfortable sometimes, because I feel like I'm "too good." It is really a problem for me sometimes.

Sometimes I get so self-conscious that other people see me as too innocent, and I sometimes feel inferior and not cool enough because I don't do things that other people do.


Anyways, very happy to hear from someone that I think I can relate to!

I don't think this sort of thing has anything to do with asexuality, by the way. I used to think that my lack of wanting sex was just another part of my... "super innocent" nature, but then I came here and found all sorts of wild asexual people, so no, I don't think it has anything to do with asexuality at all lol

[AvaNeve]

I happen to be both, myself. Couldn't tell you whether there was a link though. Clearly not for many people, given previous responses to your question. I've wondered the same thing before though, so maybe the link does exist for certain individuals? I also find the idea of sex disconcerting. Maybe it's the mix of asexuality and the prudishness which come together to create the discomfort regarding sex, rather than either of the two traits being dependent on the other.

That, or just as likely, it's purely a coincidence.

I feel really boring sometimes... asexual, personally opposed to use of alcohol and other drugs, despising profanity, focused on school, super cautious about everything always... but then I wander off on some fantastic adventure and realize that I'm actually the coolest person ever.:P But yeah, it can definitely be hard to connect with other people sometimes.

[EmotionalAndroid]

Thanks for your input, everyone! I'm new to the asexual community, so it's nice to hear what people have to say about this. Also, I've never told anyone the extent of my conservativeness (I like that word a lot better, thanks!), so it is refreshing to get it out there and still be accepted!

I can't tell you how much weight has been lifted from my shoulders since joining this site. I finally feel like I can express myself! I've never admitted this stuff to a soul before.

Well, I wouldn't actually use the word "prude" (at least not for me). It sounds so negative! Who you are and what your preferences are don't make you bad/weird/prudish. I can relate to so much of what you said! I'm very conservative with how I dress, and talking about sex makes me really uncomfortable lol. But I wouldn't say that being asexual directly connects to your conservative behavior. Everyone is different. Some aces are more sex-indifferent than others. It might be more common among aces than allosexuals, but how you feel isn't necessarily an asexual thing. Regardless, you aren't alone!! : )

That's true, I suppose "prude" does have a negative connotation. I really like your word "conservative," so I think I'll use that from now on! Also, I am glad to see I am not alone. Thank you so much for your input!

Hi!

So refreshing to hear this!

It's in my nature to not be interested in certain things. Things that lots of other people are perfectly fine with and enjoy.

I feel so uncomfortable sometimes, because I feel like I'm "too good." It is really a problem for me sometimes.

Sometimes I get so self-conscious that other people see me as "too innocent" and I sometimes feel inferior and not cool enough, because I don't do things that other people do.


Anyways, very happy to hear from someone that I think I can relate to!

I don't think this sort of thing has anything to do with asexuality, by the way. I used to think that my lack of wanting sex was just another part of my... "super innocent" nature, but then I came here and found all sorts of wild asexual people, so no, I don't think it has anything to do with asexuality at all lol

It's great to hear your story, Anime Crestfall Sky! I am really happy to find people I can relate to, as well. I'm almost at a loss for words; realizing there are similar people out there is so empowering and exciting!

I completely understand feeling "too good" or "too innocent," and not in a superior way but as you describe as actually feeling inferior. While I would never change my ways to "fit in," I always viewed myself as very immature and childish and that has really affected my self-esteem. But I am coming to realize that it is ok to be how I am, especially after joining AVEN. I've become a lot more accepting of myself, so hopefully I can be less anxious around others and just embrace the fact that I am different. I hope you can feel that way, too!

[EmotionalAndroid]

I happen to be both, myself. Couldn't tell you whether there was a link though. Clearly not for many people, given previous responses to your question. I've wondered the same thing before though, so maybe the link does exist for certain individuals? I also find the idea of sex disconcerting. Maybe it's the mix of asexuality and the prudishness which come together to create the discomfort regarding sex, rather than either of the two traits being dependent on the other.

That, or just as likely, it's purely a coincidence.

I feel really boring sometimes... asexual, personally opposed to use of alcohol and other drugs, despising profanity, focused on school, super cautious about everything always... but then I wander off on some fantastic adventure and realize that I'm actually the coolest person ever. :P But yeah, it can definitely be hard to connect with other people sometimes.

Hi, AvaNeve! Thank you for your response.

Wow, are you secretly my clone? Everything you said in that last paragraph could have been written by me. School and work is basically my entire life and I am always really careful about everything.

I was just thinking the other day how boring I must seem to other people. For some reason the Adam Ant song always comes to mind that says "You don't drink, you don't smoke, what do you do?" But no subtle innuendos follow; I'm an asexual prude, too. It's actually quite amusing to me.

And yes, we are the coolest people ever! We just have to keep remembering that fact!

[Cimmerian]

Nope, I don't think it's strongly associated with asexuality. I don't mind low cut shirts, being naked around others for the most part, and although I have no interest in having sex myself it's pretty interesting to discuss. (And yet I've been called a prude. =P )

Really, as long as you're happy with what you prefer it's not a big issue (although people like to try and make it one).

[kelico]

I completely understand feeling "too good" or "too innocent," and not in a superior way but as you describe as actually feeling inferior. While I would never change my ways to "fit in," I always viewed myself as very immature and childish and that has really affected my self-esteem. But I am coming to realize that it is ok to be how I am, especially after joining AVEN. I've become a lot more accepting of myself, so hopefully I can be less anxious around others and just embrace the fact that I am different. I hope you can feel that way, too!

First off, you're welcome for the comment. : ) And yeah, I find that the word "conservative" fits what you're describing better than "prude." It puts it more in a positive light!

I also wanted to quote your reply to Anime Crestfall Sky. I can completely relate to what you were talking about. I've always been out of place with my friends...I never use profane language lol (my friends would be shocked if I used the word "crap"), I don't like dressing provocatively (though that kinda deals with my gender expression), and then all those things dealing with sex. I've learned to try and be proud of who I am...of course, it's not like I judge others if they do those things, and it's not like I'm bragging about being on the conservative side in expression...but it's much easier on yourself to accept you for you and not feel belittled when comparing to others. : ) I'm glad that AVEN has been helping you in this, too!

[Corretto]

I suggest you're being a bit tough-on-yourself. You appear to be letting the 'prude' lable [and it is only a lable] interfere with every aspect of your life; family, education, friends, entertainment and, not least, relationships.

Your "prudishness" seems to be self-condemning. Your mother uses it to hassle you; so you've adopted it to hassle yourself!

It's just like the other lables you'll see in these forums...you don't have to stick to it for the sake of it. Choose what 'lable' you feel most comfortable with, and the meaning you associate with it, whether your mother likes it or not!

Cia

[SithLord]

For me, I used to be a prude but I kind of killed that inside of me.

When I was little, my parents joked that kissing in shows and movies was "violent" and so as a kid I was expected to close my eyes. This continued into when it shouldn't of been seen as bad anymore, and my parents would joke about it being violent until the end of high school. Because of this as well as moving around a lot and being a sheltered kid, I was innocent. By being innocent, I acted shocked and negatively towards things that were "violent".

Cue senior year of high school. I was on a website looking for new manga to read and found my all time favorite manga of all time. Not only is it mature, but it had sex in it. This was my first time seeing the male anatomy in a realistic presentation (my sex-ed class sucked).

Sense then I've been very good at looking stuff up and hearing about things without freaking out. Now I'm pretty blunt (when I have the courage to be) and actually make others freak out! I'm the opposite of a prude now, though not in the extreme sense.

So basically, I think it's a personality or experience thing, but not a sexuality thing.

[Guest]

No, I don't think they're connected. I'm certainly not a prude... quite the opposite. I have no problem with talking about or seeing sex, I've watched porn out of curiosity and found it neither exciting nor offensive... walking in on a flatmate watching porn was amusing. I swear quite a bit, and I find the human body beautiful, so nudity doesn't bother be at all, nor does other people seeing me naked... to be honest I don't understand our cultures prejudice against nudity, a body is just a body, there's nothing shocking about it!

[MadRat]

I´m quite prudish too. I don´t like the whole shaming which is aimed against people who are like this, as if it was something bad. It became an insult todays. Prudishness doesn´t hurt anyone, it´s more likely the opposite what can do harm to people.

I hate porn, I can´t stand when people talk about details of their "private" life (OMG! It is called PRIVATE for a reason!) and stuff like this.

I would never take off my clothes around anyone.

Girls who dress like total whores disgust me. They degrade themselves on mere sexual objects. But this is obviously a norm today...

I think my prudishness is connected to my asexuality and sex-repulsion. First thing - I don´t get sex, sexuals and need to be sexy (in other words, to look like a whore). Second thing, I´m sex-repulsed, so everything what has anything to do with sex makes me uncomfortable, including people who try to be as sexy as possible.

[Guest]

I like some revealing clothes. I have gone out in a corset top, mini-skirt and knee high boots before. My mom showed off a pic she liked of mine in a "goth" outfit and a riding crop to all her coworkers. I discuss sex in some detail. I have tried BDSM and other things, which I openly admit to. I don't mind undressing in front of my partners.

And yet... I still get called a prude. Cause I don't like porn and find nudity of strangers uncomfortable. *shrug*

I think prudishness is more personality than orientation. But, nothing wrong with it, imo. Unless you try to push your views onto others. It is OK to leave when a situation is uncomfortable, but the ones that shame others or try to make them stop doing something totally, then I can see why people may complain. I don't get why people care when it doesn't impact them though...

[Hooded_Crow]

Just like how sexual people can be prude, I think asexuals can be prude. I like to see it as a personality trait, not a sexuality trait.

Yes, I absolutely agree with that.

I personally don't think I'm a prude in any way. I'm not uncomfortable talking about sex, seeing sex scenes in movies or anything like that, and I'm quite book-smart on the subject. BUT, what I do notice is that people tend to see me as this innocent/untainted/white as snow little thing that needs protecting against that evil dirty world full of sex. Whenever I say a sex-related word, I get - albeit jokingly - reactions like 'oh my God, how do you know that word? You shouldn't know that! We're so perverting you!' And I get that kind of attitude from people who I haven't even come out to. So maybe I give off some kind of vibe I'm not aware of. XD I am a rather quiet person, but I don't really see the relation between quietness and prudishness. Hmm.

[NoLongerActive1234]

Well people have certainly made me feel like a prude, with bullying etc and that it was seen as a bad thing. I personally don't like that word because for me it implies that one is someone who looks down on others. That's how I've been treated a lot and it is something that makes me sad because I I always want to convey that I believe everyone should be who they are, that I respect people and support what is best for them (I don't think that how it is for me should be the case for anyone else-I know it's individual) and that I don't think that I am superior to others.

I don't know if it is tied to asexuality, I wouldn't think so. Anyway I don't think there needs to be a lable for this or a label for the opposite really. Everyone is different and I think it's just a matter of personal preference. I'm not someone who dresses what would be concidered provocative and generally do not swear much. When I do swear it is in a joking way, or if I hurt myself etc. That's just what comes naturally to me and it doesn't mean I look down on others who do. I also would never watch porn, read or watch detailed sex scenes and I also have trouble with watching very gruesome things. That's just me and I don't see why that is a problem. Some people want ham on their sandwitch and some want cheese...If the cheeselovers don't condemn the hamlovers and vice versa then where's the problem? ^_^

Some people seem to assume that I can't take anything, but it's not all black and white. I can talk of sex in general, I can watch bloddy stuff and I do swear some times.
A few years ago when I was with a friend I'd started to get to know better; we were joking around and when I swore she seemed a bit shocked lol. I guess since I don't do it so often (never really with those I do not know so well) it became funny to hear me say that. ^_^

[EmotionalAndroid]

Wow, I am overwhelmed by how many people responded to my thread! Thank you all so much for sharing your views on this, as well as your stories.

I've learned to try and be proud of who I am...of course, it's not like I judge others if they do those things, and it's not like I'm bragging about being on the conservative side in expression...but it's much easier on yourself to accept you for you and not feel belittled when comparing to others. : ) I'm glad that AVEN has been helping you in this, too!

Exactly! I have actually heard people refer to asexuals as "elitists," which really both saddens me and angers me. While I have sort of been raised believing that anything related to sex is "bad," I don't judge people for it. It's just something I don't understand and want no part of.

I've been doing a lot better with accepting myself now that I have learned asexuality is really a thing and that there are others like me. Hopefully when I decide to come out, I can keep those good feelings and not feel so alien.

I suggest you're being a bit tough-on-yourself. You appear to be letting the 'prude' lable [and it is only a lable] interfere with every aspect of your life; family, education, friends, entertainment and, not least, relationships.

Your "prudishness" seems to be self-condemning. Your mother uses it to hassle you; so you've adopted it to hassle yourself!

It's just like the other lables you'll see in these forums...you don't have to stick to it for the sake of it. Choose what 'lable' you feel most comfortable with, and the meaning you associate with it, whether your mother likes it or not!

Cia

Thanks for your response! I agree that labels can be really damaging. Already, I have decided to use a different one: conservative. c:

While my conservative nature does interfere with a lot in my life, deep down I think I like it. I feel I have a very good sense of morals. I am actually not sure what I want to be done, really. I know the whole world isn't going to change for me, but I do kind of hate having to filter everything that comes my way.

Perhaps I am just thinking about things the wrong way. What I fear most, I think, is people associating sex with me in any way. Like I have always been afraid to have a relationship at all, since people will assume that it is a sexual one. I guess I need to realize that people won't associate suggestive content in movies with me, just because I am there watching it with them.

For me, I used to be a prude but I kind of killed that inside of me.

When I was little, my parents joked that kissing in shows and movies was "violent" and so as a kid I was expected to close my eyes. This continued into when it shouldn't of been seen as bad anymore, and my parents would joke about it being violent until the end of high school. Because of this as well as moving around a lot and being a sheltered kid, I was innocent. By being innocent, I acted shocked and negatively towards things that were "violent".

Cue senior year of high school. I was on a website looking for new manga to read and found my all time favorite manga of all time. Not only is it mature, but it had sex in it. This was my first time seeing the male anatomy in a realistic presentation (my sex-ed class sucked).

Sense then I've been very good at looking stuff up and hearing about things without freaking out. Now I'm pretty blunt (when I have the courage to be) and actually make others freak out! I'm the opposite of a prude now, though not in the extreme sense.

So basically, I think it's a personality or experience thing, but not a sexuality thing.

It sounds like we had a very similar upbringing! I am glad to hear that you have come to a point of acceptance with yourself and found a place you feel comfortable.

I´m quite prudish too. I don´t like the whole shaming which is aimed against people who are like this, as if it was something bad. It became an insult todays. Prudishness doesn´t hurt anyone, it´s more likely the opposite what can do harm to people.

I hate porn, I can´t stand when people talk about details of their "private" life (OMG! It is called PRIVATE for a reason!) and stuff like this.

I would never take off my clothes around anyone.

Girls who dress like total whores disgust me. They degrade themselves on mere sexual objects. But this is obviously a norm today...

I think my prudishness is connected to my asexuality and sex-repulsion. First thing - I don´t get sex, sexuals and need to be sexy (in other words, to look like a whore). Second thing, I´m sex-repulsed, so everything what has anything to do with sex makes me uncomfortable, including people who try to be as sexy as possible.

Yes, that is exactly what I think. I don't understand why people think being a prude is negative in any way. I guess just because it isn't "normal," and people generally condemn things we don't understand? (That might be part of my problem, too)

While women who dress very provocatively have the right to do so, it sort of irks me when they complain about being sexualized. Not that we should all cover up from head to toe, but there is sort of a limit, I'd say. ...uh, but this is sort of a whole different conversation regarding feminism and stuff, though, and I don't feel I should not tread in that territory!

Anyway, I am glad to meet another like-minded person and to learn I am not alone! Thanks for your post!