Sexual Indifference and Wanted Acceptance

[Fruity<3]

First, I know that my logic is flawed. My past experiences have just morphed my current thought patterns (or subconscious efforts). I don't mean this to controversial or cause concern. Just want discussion and see if anyone is similar :D

Anywho, my reason for posting: Is anyone extremely indifferent towards sex that it causes them to think differently about casual sex? I'm cis-female and I'm extremely indifferent about sex. It doesn't do anything physically or mentally. Foreplay can be fun, but anything past that doesn't really compute and normally is a little painful (not enough to end it). I've only 'slept' with one person; my ex. Now that I'm back at college, I see how sexually frustrated my friends can be. I feel like its something I could easily help with. I don't like people being unhappy, and apparently most guys like sex more than masturbation. This might make me sound like a 'slut', but honestly, it wouldn't be for me. I don't need it and I would be safe about it. If I would ever propose the idea that is.

I suppose I have this outlook because I've lost a handful of really close friends at school because I didn't reciprocate their desire for sex or a relationship and I miss them. Or that when I was growing up I learned that I had to disregard what made me happy/comfortable to save face/ make someone else happy. For example, I had to hug people that I didn't feel comfortable/safe being near. Or boys at school would touch me regardless of me obviously flinching or telling them I hated being touched. I never wanted to get angry with them because I rarely get angry and I didn't want to upset them. Sooooo if I did have casual sex with people it would make me happy to make them happy. If they understand the circumstance that is.

Anyone relate at all? I suppose most people look for relationships than fwb... haha which makes sense. The majority being ace and all. Vegan cake for the readers!

[Chewy]

No matter how you try to please other people, they will never be satisfied. People will just take you for granted. And eventually, they expect that of you and they don't think that you actually go out of your way to do things for them.

[SithLord]

I'm not quite sure if I understand you but let me ask so I know. Are you asking about whether or not you should have a friends-with-benefits situation with other people?

If so, I would recommend against it. It's a pretty common occurrence for those kinds of relationships to turn into more, or end up ruining friendships or worse. Most of the time one of the participants ends up with romantic feelings towards the other and the situation gets complicated. Either they start dating or separate because it's uncomfortable.

But I would also recommend against continuing to put other people first. As a kid I've always been one to be generous and get walked all over until I burst and took it out on someone. My sister was the same except she wouldn't lose her temper. My best friend is almost the same except to the extent that it's killing her and she REALLY needs independence from the people she's trying to please. I just believe that anyone who adjusts their personality or habits to meet someone else's standards or preferences won't be happy in the long run, even if they are temperarily

[Fruity<3]

Sith_girlix: I wasn't asking if I should have a friends with benefits relationships with others, I was asking if anyone else felt similarly to sex. I understand a fwb relationship would be illogical if I didn't enjoy sex. The only time I would ever have one is if the other person completely understood the circumstances. ie no feelings should be developed, no vulgarity, and communication should be used. I completely agree one participant usually ends up with romantic feelings for the other, so I wouldn't make an agreement unless I knew the person had control of their emotions.

I had a cuddle buddy arrangement with one of my friends last year. It was basically like friends with benefits minus the sex. Whenever he/I wanted to sleep (literally sleep) with one another we would communicate, I would come to his dorm, and sleep over. He said he never acquired feelings for me and it seemed as such. He understood the conditions and that I was asexual, so he never tried to seduce me. It was quite enjoyable^-^! I feel like adding sex to the equation, with someone as sensible, wouldn't be a problem. >.> it'd be easier for me than dating where emotional attraction is usually desired. But I still love cuddling and touch.

XD I digressed. I don't want to ask if I should have fwb, or whether its sensible. Just if someone has the same outlook.

[binary suns]

[Amberleaf]

Hmmm... I can actually see casual sex being useful, you know, for dealing with needs. I don't really know. I'm indifferent towards it, too, I think. As long as it feels good, and there's no attraction required, why not?

[Fruity<3]

I had a friend who I trusted was neutral about sleeping arrangements. sleeping arrangements led to me listening to her frustrations. my listening led to her falling for me. her falling for me led to her wanting our bed-sharing to not be just literal. between this and my indifference, we started having sex. I had to go home after college. the long distance complicated things, especially considering we had done more than cuddling. She got pissed at me, I got pissed at her. Now she's defriended me on Facebook.

I think, casual sex will always introduce complexities if a majority of the culture believes sex isn't casual. I think, that its need to have the word "casual" prepended in order for it to be so, already shows that sex is never truly casual. It's up to you if you're ok with that or not. I could be incorrect in my thinking, but if I am correct, it is important to know entering a casual scenario that it isn't 100% casual no matter what.

I feel like I would just need to find the right type of person >.> I've had guys 'fall in love' with me when I was just friends with me. We never touched or had deep conversations. Emotional messes that completely took me by surprise. But my cuddle buddy behaved himself and didn't act emotionally towards me. It was just a mutual touch need shin-dig. XD I'm beginning to doubt I'll find another sexual dude great enough for that type of agreement. I feel like they just need to be aware of themselves more. Most of the guys I talk to say they associate sex with those feelings with love and won't do it unless their in a committed relationship, so it doesn't ruin things.

Hmmm... I can actually see casual sex being useful, you know, for dealing with needs. I don't really know. I'm indifferent towards it, too, I think. As long as it feels good, and there's no attraction required, why not?

:D yey an answer! Yea, I would agree, but I'd have to think about it more. I might never take the fwb proposition serious, so idk.

[binary suns]

[passionatefriend61]

Hi, Fruity.

I totally understand where you're coming from. I myself haven't had partnered sex and I'm not interested in doing so. I want my emotionally significant relationships to be nonsexual (and nonromantic).

But I've thought about how the broader social dynamics would be different if sex, along with other forms of touch and physical affection, could be freely given and engaged in by people who are mutually wanting sex and feel comfortable with each other, trust each other, and even care about each other enough that they can satisfy each other's sexual desires not because of attraction--sexual or romantic--but because why not? If sex were totally casual, in the sense that there was no expectation unavoidably attached to it regarding romance or commitment or monogamy or riding the Relationship Escalator, etc--if instead it were simply something anyone could do with anyone they felt safe and comfortable with, if it did not even depend on actual sexual attraction to the specific person but was more an activity that people could negotiate amongst themselves for any number of possible reasons (the person you're sexually attracted to is unavailable, there's no one around you're actually attracted to, you're in a nonsexual partnership, you've got a partner who's not into some sex act you want to do, you simply want to experiment sexually in a safe and low-risk/no-pressure context, you're sensually/physically intimate with someone you aren't sexually attracted to and end up getting aroused during physical intimacy and just want the sexual release in the moment, you'd like to use sex as a bonding activity in friendship with someone you don't actually want to "date" or be romantically coupled with, etc), then I think more people would be sexually satisfied more of the time and sex itself would actually be a lot less loaded than it is in our current reality. Sounds counterintuitive, maybe, but I really do think that if sex were easier to access and didn't carry on the weight of all this extra "meaning" and obviously wasn't judged left and right by people who think there are appropriate and inappropriate ways to be sexual, sex would actually matter a lot less overall. Sure, there are some romantic-sexual people for whom--regardless of their culture--sex will always be intrinscially connected to romance and romantic attachment/couplehood/etc. But I bet there are more people who, if they weren't conditioned to think about sex in the terms our society currently dictates, wouldn't see or treat it in that exclusively romantic way--and if they could comfortably experience sex in a variety of contexts, rather than that romantic/commitment-oriented/monogamous/big social deal way, they would feel better and see sex as much less of a big deal than they do. Aromantic sexual people would certainly be more comfortable, if they could have sex with people/friends they trusted and felt comfortable with and not have to worry about romantic expectations.

I think that you should only do what you feel comfortable with and you should constantly check in with your own feelings. Don't be sexual with anyone just to please them or to please society at large.

That said, there is nothing wrong with casual sex or sexual friendship. Nobody is a slut or a bad person or morally corrupt for wanting or doing those things. It's important for people to realize that nonromantic sex or sexual friendship can in fact be positive, respectful, caring, and even loving. And it can be satisfying in itself, without ever leading to romantic relationship and without being monogamous/exclusive. Most people buy into this bullshit message that both friendship and sex outside of romance are inferior to romantic relationships and lack love, as if love is a property exclusive to romance, and because people want to feel valued and respected and loved and cared for and because they want to be treated like human beings, they come to believe that the only way to experience those feelings in a sexual context is through romance. But not only are positive sexual experiences possible and real outside of romantic relationships--romantic relationships don't actually guarantee all of those positive elements in sex.

There is a big difference between:

"I think you're hot and I'm horny and I just want to fuck you so that I can feel satisfied and I don't care about you and your feelings, you're just a means to my pleasure."

and

"I like you as a person and value your friendship and I'd like to have sex with you or I could appreciate having sex with you, I just don't feel interested in making this a romantic relationship."

In the 70s, 80s, and 90s--probably less so today--the embracing of caring casual sex and sexual friendship was evidently pretty common in the polyamorous community and the LGBTQ community, which also overlap with each other anyway. These people understood that you could have sex with your friends and it didn't have to turn into romance or change anything or even be an ongoing activity/expectation. That sex could simply sometimes be a way to bond and take care of each other, whether you did it with someone once or twenty times or on a regular, intermittent basis throughout a friendship. And in fact, the only way to have sex with a friend in a positive way and remain friends afterward is if that sexual activity is caring, respectful, considerate, and loving. Friends don't use each other, and you can't be friends with someone who uses you.

But what many romantic, monogamous, conventional sexual people (and asexuals) can't wrap their heads around is that having sex with a friend you have no romantic interest in is not synonymous with sexually using somebody.

Anyway. Open, honest communication is a must. And it never hurts to explain to people what I just said.