Help, please? First Relationship

[Goaty]

Whew, relationships are confusing. A little over a year ago I started considering myself asexual, a little later coming to define myself as aromantic too. That was all well and good, I was comfortable with that. I never felt any need to have a romantic relationship, friends were just fine. I’d sometimes think about the future and imagine a husband, but I’ve never been sure if that was just the heteronormative conditioning speaking. Well, now I kinda have a boyfriend and everything’s just super confusing. We met at camp and I’m almost positive that, unless I just can’t identify crush feelings and think of them as just wanting to get to know the person, I just wanted to be friends. Well clearly he was interested in me because now we’re together, which I’m pretty sure is good? It’s funny, I sorta was thinking he might be interested in me but I couldn’t really tell if he was flirting or not because I’m so bad at identifying it. Anyway, we had been hanging out a lot —I thought just as friends — so one day he reached out and held my hand. I remember thinking, “uh oh, I don’t want this really, right?” But there were butterflies in my tummy so I wondered if I actually was attracted to him and couldn’t really tell, so I gave it a go. I was super confused at first. We were still at camp for a few days so he was basically there the whole entire day. Looking back on it I guess I felt a little suffocated. I just had no idea what to think, how to feel — how I was supposed to feel. I wasn’t sure if I was doing things (holding hands, spending so much time with him, looking for him at meals) because I liked him or because I wanted to be friends and going in a romantic direction looked like the only option. I imagined certain things (mostly looking at him a lot, plus the aforementioned actions) were expected of people in love, so I made an effort to do those things. So yeah, I felt a little suffocated. I was overwhelmed, not sure if I wanted all that, not sure if I felt how I was supposed to, and not sure if I was doing the right things.

When I got home I calmed down and had time the think. The internet helped me clarify and sort through my feelings (thanks, AVEN!). Meanwhile this boy and I were texting a lot. I decided I was pretty sure I was interested in him romantically. I mean, my connection to him mostly just felt like friendship, but there was also this longing. Like, it was almost physically painful to be away from him so much. I still feel like that a lot. By the way, we live an hour and a bit apart so only are able to get together every other weekend or so. So, we cuddle a lot, and I do like that. It’s the best feeling, to be in his arms resting against his chest. All this has me pretty convinced I’m romantic, but I’ve always been confused because I never actually had any initial romantic attraction, I only wanted to be friends. I think it took him showing romantic affection before I decided I might like it and began to feel the same way. Plus, I don’t think I have super strong feelings for him. Like, I enjoy holding his hand and cuddling but I don’t need to do those things. I could maybe just as easily not ever be physically close to him. I want to be close to him, but I don’t have to be. So NOW, I’m wondering if any of this is actual feelings I have for him, or just the fact that I enjoy affection so am willing to receive it and reciprocate it after he shows it first. I’ve always liked hugs, so is this just an outgrowth of that? That because I want to be friends and I enjoy physical affection I can mimic romantic feelings? Which is worrisome, as I don’t want to lie to him. I don’t want to pretend to have feelings I don’t. I’m already not sure I’m as interested in him as he is in me. But I think there might still be something more there; he’s wonderful and awesome and I love him as a friend and I think romantically too, and there’s that longing. My stomach still does somersaults when I think about him sometimes too. Plus… um…

I’m not sure if I’m aroused by him sometimes? Like not real sexual attraction I don’t think, but a sort of tingly feeling… it happens less when he’s physically there and more when I’m thinking about him. I don’t feel the need to act on it, not even on my own. I have tried on my own before, and ultimately it was just to get the feeling to go away. And It was more of a nuisance to do anything about it than to just let it go away eventually.

[Can I still call myself ace because of this? ]

Also, we kissed the other day. (My first kiss!) He’d kissed me on the cheek a few times before and I like that. But then we open-mouthed kissed. Well, he did most of the kissing because I didn’t know what I was doing. It wasn’t for very long and it wasn’t french kissing or anything (thank goodness!), but it was a kiss. I’m not sure how I feel about it. I mean, it’s kinda nice that he feels so strongly for me that he wants to show affection in that way. And I guess I feel the same way? I think I do. It felt safe, like cuddling. But it was also a really weird act. I mean, sucking on each others faces… it’s also not like I felt any great amount of passion. Maybe I was just too focused on other things, like figuring out how to kiss, so I wasn’t able to actually focus on the kiss? It kind of worries me too. I’ve always liked the idea of the cute, romantic, “I love you” types of affection. But I can’t decide if kissing goes beyond that. See, why I don’t like the idea of sex is that it seems too… violent. The way I understand it, it’s physically wanting someone for something, not because you like their personality or you’re good friends. You want their body. So I can’t decide if romantic kissing is getting too close to that wanting, because it makes me uncomfortable to think of someone wanting me like that. It’s not like he would pressure me to do anything; he’s sensible and would listen to me. I just don’t want him to think about me like that at all. It grosses me out. So yeah, the act of kissing seems at least okay, if not nice, but I’m not sure I can handle the feelings he might have related to kissing.

So, with all of that put together, I’m also confused about actually being ace. I would like to call myself ace. It was really nice to call myself aromantic asexual, it was comfortable and fit well. But I’m confused now, based on all these events that have happened. I think they mean I’m romantically attracted to him, but I still can’t be one hundred percent sure. I’m not sure if I should mention any of this to him too. I actually did tell him at the beginning that I thought I was aromantic asexual but was a little confused now. But I haven’t told him anything since then. Part of it is that maybe it just hasn’t mattered yet — our relationship is sweet, pleasant, and a nice thing to have. But now that we’ve kissed should I mention something to him? Or maybe try kissing again and then talk to him about it if I still feel conflicted? I’m also sort of worried I’d push him away from me. It seems to me that I like him; I enjoy his friendship (he’s one of the only close friends I have now) and cuddling is nice. He makes me laugh, is a good teacher, introduces me a bunch of new things, and has a lot of fun, something I think I need to learn to do. Plus, he seems to adore me. He’s told me he thinks I’m perfect and now that he’s with me he’s the happiest he’s been in a long time. So I don’t want to hurt him, and I’m pretty sure I don’t want to lose him.

Any advice or thoughts of any kind would be greatly appreciated! I’m just so confused, trying to untangle this mess. Sorry it’s so long, I’ve been thinking about a lot for a while now. Thanks for sticking with me through all that! You guys are great. :D

[Sundance_]

Hey, guess what––I'm not completely convinced romantic attraction is a real thing. Sure, it's a useful term, it helps people discuss their relationship experiences and the way they feel about other people. Still, I don't see relationships as falling into such clearly defined categories.

I think it's really good that you're exploring your relationship and your boundaries. I also think you should try and talk to him about all this. I don't think it will necessarily make any of it easier to understand, but relationships always go more smoothly when you're on the same page. You could tell him what you do and don't know. You don't know how you feel about romance, about specific sensual/sexual acts. You do know you like being with him and don't want to lose him. Things like that.

Good luck and everything ;) _

[Sage Raven Domino]

So, in short, you:

1) aren't attracted romantically,

2) adore cuddling,

3) have some kind of sexual desire, but only when he's not around, and don't want it to be reciprocated.

That seemingly makes you 1) aromantic 2) sensual 3) lithsexual (these 3 properties combine, aren't contradictory) [but Fruity's below advice applies].

If 3) is not sexual desire, then it's just aesthetic attraction. There's yet no such label as 'lith-heteroaesthetic', but I'd apply it to this situation, as well as to my own (I experience aesthetic attraction which I don't want to act upon as I'm repulsed by both romance and sex, and I don't want the object to be near me at all as it makes me suffer).

[Fruity<3]

I agree with Sundance with this. Try to just make him aware that you're unsure, but up until now you haven't minded anything you two have done (if you haven't). It's best to communicate with him, even just to say you're unsure.

As for the identification, you can pick whichever labels you deem fit you. Only you can do that. I identify as ace, but I've been aroused by people or the thought of people (it wasn't really a specific person though). As for kissing, it completely depends on the person if it's sexual. Normally it is, but some people would rather just make out and not go further. I also was SUPER confused the first time I made out with someone. It did not compute and it seemed really pointless. After like the 3rd time, it started to make sense and I actually enjoyed it.

Good luck Goaty! Some vegan cake for you.

[Goaty]

Thank you all for your advice! It makes me feel a lot better about all this. Other perspectives can be so helpful. I'll start planning out a talk. :P

[Goaty]

Talked to him and it's all good. :D

[Fruity<3]

Talked to him and it's all good. :D

Congrats!! I'm glad everything turned out alright :D!