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Ace-Positive, Celibacy-Positive, Nonsexual Relationship-Positive Thread!


passionatefriend61

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passionatefriend61

I want us to try something different. For people who predominantly do not want to have sex and strongly prefer nonsexual romantic relationships, celibate lives, etc, asexuals generally spend a ridiculous amount of time talking about sex and how much they don't like it, don't want it, how much it sucks to be in sexual relationships, etc.

So, let's contemplate how it feels to not have sex. Let's contemplate how it feels to be in a happy, harmonious, nonsexual partnership--romantic or nonromantic, mono or poly--with someone who loves and accepts and supports you as you are and celebrates your asexuality and actually likes being in a nonsexual partnership with you. How does it feel to be celibate in peaceful circumstances? In loving circumstances? In supportive circumstances? How would it feel to tell the world you're ace and see the world smile back at you and welcome you? How does it feel to meet someone really great who is actually looking for the kind of nonsexual partnership you want and is overjoyed to hear that you are asexual? How does it feel to be physically intimate and affectionate with someone you love, knowing that they are so happy just to do the stuff you like and never even give a thought to sex?

Really spend some time thinking about this. About how it would feel. Give me emotional words that come to you, when you imagine these life circumstances.

How does it feel to only do what you want? How does it feel to live the way you want to live? Talk to me about it.

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Mm, I like this idea, but believe me when I say you're going to get a shitload of backlash from certain people. Sometimes I really don't understand this place. "Let's be proud of our asexuality!" while at the same time "NO, you must compromise with (read ---> sacrifice your aversion to sex for) your sexual partner!"

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Never seen anyone say one HAS to compromise, except a few new members who got chewed out for it..no one has to do anything, on either side. :D

I have never been with an asexual. But, I was with a sexual that was OK with no sex for a bit. Was pretty relaxing to sleep on someones chest, their arms around me, with full trust they wouldn't ask me to do anything more than what I offered.

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ZombiesAsAMetaphor

I'm not sure that this counts, seeing as it's an internet relationship I'm talking about, but it is something I'd like to share and I think it relates.

Today I introduced my very close friend to the concept of queerplatonic relationships in the context of two fictional characters that we like. I described the kind of relationship they'd have if they had a QPR (emotionally intimate and physically close without sex), and my friend said straight off the bat "like us", which made me incredibly happy. We have what I'd term a QPR, but my friend isn't part of the asexual community so I thought they mightn't be familiar with the term and would be put off by it. Happily, this wasn't the case, and we are now dubbed zucchinis (as well as our usual married couple terms).

I'm so happy about it, I just wanna shout it from the rooftops – I have a zucchini! I have this amazing person who loves me without romance, without sex! We could spend our lives together and be completely happy as we are!

So yes. That's my story. Hope it's the sort of thing you were after c:

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Personally, when I think of an asexual relationship, intellectual compatibility comes to mind.

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Mm, I like this idea, but believe me when I say you're going to get a shitload of backlash from certain people. Sometimes I really don't understand this place. "Let's be proud of our asexuality!" while at the same time "NO, you must compromise with (read ---> sacrifice your aversion to sex for) your sexual partner!"

Like any site, AVEN doesn't have just one voice - it's made up of hundreds or thousands of voices, different people, different opinions. Naturally, they're going to contradict each other once in a while. Ultimately, you decide what's right for you; there is not one way to live.

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  • 2 weeks later...
passionatefriend61

Let me demonstrate what I mean.

Being in the kind of relationships I want would feel easy. It would feel natural. It would feel comfortable. Super comfortable. It would feel like being myself. It would feel easy as breathing. It would feel like love. Pure, deep, delicious love. It would feel like being loved. It would feel like being wanted. It would feel like connection. It would feel happy. I would be really, intensely happy. It would feel joyful. It would feel blissful. It would feel like harmony--being in harmony with others. Resonating with others. It would feel like recognition and familiarity. It would feel exciting to meet people who are on the same page as I am and to feel the potential between us. It would feel satisfying. It would feel expansive. It would feel open. It would feel caring. It would feel nurturing. It would feel like freedom. I would feel completely free. Blissfully free. I would feel more loving. I would feel blessed. These relationships would feel intimate and sensual and warm and sweet. They would feel deep and emotional and smooth and natural. They would feel inviting. They would feel right. They would feel really, really good. They would feel like fun. A lot of fun. They would feel irresistible.

I would feel so much appreciation and love and ease, being with people who like who I am and who share my desire and vision in relationships. I would feel so happy to be with people who love and appreciate and support my nature, who feel that I am just what they're looking for, who want what I want, who have been looking for the kind of relationships I like and someone just like me.

How does it feel to be in a happy, harmonious, loving, joyful, easy nonsexual/nonromantic partnership?

It feels like ease.

It feels like joy.

It feels free.

It feels comfortable.

It feels fun.

It feels so good.

It feels like connection.

Trust.

Intimacy.

Appreciation.

Bliss.

It feels like being in love with life.

It feels like being on top of the world.

It feels perfect.

It feels like me.

It feels like home.

It feels like celebration.

It feels like winning the lottery.

It feels like a dream come true.

It feels like loving who I am.

It feels like loving my desires.

It feels like knowing my worthiness.

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byanyotherusername

It feels like safety.
It feels like love.

And those are really the best two feelings I can imagine. To target a few specific questions:

How would it feel to tell the world you're ace and see the world smile back at you and welcome you?
I almost can't imagine, partly because I don't think I would ever "tell the world" I was ace. In the world I would feel most comfortable in, my orientation would still be irrelevant for most people to know. The difference would be that acquaintances and the larger society would not assume I was straight (or anything else) and would not privilege hetero-normativity. Asexuality and intimate nonsexual relationships would be regularly discussed and portrayed in the media. People would enter all of their relationships with as few assumptions as possible, expecting each one to be as unique as the people in it. Living in such a world would feel incredibly freeing.

How does it feel to meet someone really great who is actually looking for the kind of nonsexual partnership you want and is overjoyed to hear that you are asexual?
Exciting! It would be great to live in a world where there was an equivalent to "dating" for nonsexual/nonromantic partnerships. Where that was a common enough and widely accepted interest, so that I could seek out and specifically meet people with similar relationship goals, and then get to know them and see if we fit. I know it might sound slightly contradictory to the above "expecting each relationship to be as unique as the people in it" bit, but I think it could actually compliment it--that it would be valid to have very specific preferences (for partners at least, with other relationships generally being more flexible) that fall outside "the norm." Relationships would be built by the people in them to best reflect their needs and desires. In such a world people would have a much better "headstart" on the path to self-awareness and being in touch with their desires, and there would be no danger in admitting them, so I could certainly meet someone and, as I get to know and like them, learn that they were looking for the same thing I was. It would feel like a reason for celebration!

How does it feel to be physically intimate and affectionate with someone you love, knowing that they are so happy just to do the stuff you like and never even give a thought to sex?
It feels like nourishment. It feels like fulfillment. It feels like honoring my whole self.

I have a close sensual friendship with a straight male friend who is wonderfully supportive of my asexuality, and I feel completely safe with him. The other night we both stayed over at a mutual friends' house, and were planning to share a bed. When it was time to go to sleep, I realized I had completely forgotten my pajamas and the pants I was wearing would not have been comfortable to sleep in. So I slept in my T-shirt and underwear. My friend did not treat me differently in any way, we were still able to cuddle, and I felt completely comfortable and safe the entire time. Which is huge to me. Every male housemate I have ever had has acted noticeably different if I happened to leave my room not fully dressed (even though everything important was always fully covered). Even my dad starting acting awkwardly around me in those circumstances from the time I was about seven or eight. To have a straight male friend who would never regard me in a sexual way, regardless of whether we are affectionate, what I am wearing, or any other reason, is amazing!

The only thing that could possibly make it better is if I knew it felt like the ultimate level of intimacy to him as well. To have that connection with someone who had no romantic or sexual desires for anyone, who felt as completely fulfilled by our connection as I did? That would feel blissful.

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Let me demonstrate what I mean.

Being in the kind of relationships I want would feel easy. It would feel natural. It would feel comfortable. Super comfortable. It would feel like being myself. It would feel easy as breathing. It would feel like love. Pure, deep, delicious love. It would feel like being loved. It would feel like being wanted. It would feel like connection. It would feel happy. I would be really, intensely happy. It would feel joyful. It would feel blissful. It would feel like harmony--being in harmony with others. Resonating with others. It would feel like recognition and familiarity. It would feel exciting to meet people who are on the same page as I am and to feel the potential between us. It would feel satisfying. It would feel expansive. It would feel open. It would feel caring. It would feel nurturing. It would feel like freedom. I would feel completely free. Blissfully free. I would feel more loving. I would feel blessed. These relationships would feel intimate and sensual and warm and sweet. They would feel deep and emotional and smooth and natural. They would feel inviting. They would feel right. They would feel really, really good. They would feel like fun. A lot of fun. They would feel irresistible.

I would feel so much appreciation and love and ease, being with people who like who I am and who share my desire and vision in relationships. I would feel so happy to be with people who love and appreciate and support my nature, who feel that I am just what they're looking for, who want what I want, who have been looking for the kind of relationships I like and someone just like me.

How does it feel to be in a happy, harmonious, loving, joyful, easy nonsexual/nonromantic partnership?

It feels like ease.

It feels like joy.

It feels free.

It feels comfortable.

It feels fun.

It feels so good.

It feels like connection.

Trust.

Intimacy.

Appreciation.

Bliss.

It feels like being in love with life.

It feels like being on top of the world.

It feels perfect.

It feels like me.

It feels like home.

It feels like celebration.

It feels like winning the lottery.

It feels like a dream come true.

It feels like loving who I am.

It feels like loving my desires.

It feels like knowing my worthiness.

I feel like this (as far as my relationship is concerned) every day.. pretty much because my sweetheart is the most amazing asexual, the most amazing person, I have ever met and every day I am so thankful to have him in my life :).. oh and, we are very romantic and intimate, just completely sex free as sexual intercourse is not something either us desire or enjoy :)
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passionatefriend61

Yay! Hi, byanyotherusername! That was a great response. Really, really good. Just what I had in mind. Could you feel how good it felt just to write out those answers and contemplate them? (The positive bits.)

So you gave me:

safety

love

celebration

exciting

bliss

May suggest that you feel around for those emotions on a more regular basis? Generally?

I'm going to do some more raving now, for the fun of it.

Wouldn't it feel so good to be connected to other aromantics and other asexuals who are on my wavelength?

Wouldn't it feel so good to meet people who want the kind of relationships I want and talk to them about those desires and feel each other's excitement as we bask in the ideas?

Wouldn't it feel so good to be close to other celibate aces and single aros?

Wouldn't it feel so good to have a beautiful, happy, easy, loving, intimate, deep, emotional, fun passionate friendship with the perfect man for me?

And wouldn't it feel so good to have a beautiful, happy, easy, loving, intimate, deep, emotional, fun passionate friendship with the perfect woman for me?

Wouldn't it feel so good to know that people I love most in the world love me and want me and share my vision for our relationships?

Wouldn't it feel so good to move through life forming really wonderful friendships with compatible people, easily and comfortably?

Wouldn't it feel so good to have all the cuddling and hugs and kissing and tender touch I want in life?

Wouldn't it feel amazing to be partners with people who want me as much as I want them?

Wouldn't it feel amazing to be partners with people who want queerplatonic partnership as much as I do?

Wouldn't it feel amazing to know that the people I love see me as a blessing? See my asexuality as a blessing? See my aromanticism as a blessing?

Wouldn't it feel amazing to have lots of deep, loving, intimate, sensual, emotional friendship in my life?

Wouldn't it be awesome if forming and maintaining the relationships I want were easy?

I love friendship. I love passionate friendship, I love queerplatonic friendship, I love primary friendship, I love queerplatonic partnerships, I love friends being committed domestic partners, I love friendship that is super physically affectionate and intimate and sensual, I love the idea of a passionate friendship being the absolute perfect and ideal form of love for people, I love the idea of aromantics loving each other, I love the idea of aromantic asexuals being partners and best friends, I love friendship that is deeply emotional and intimate and loving and intense and fun and special and blissful and that goes on forever and is the most important connection in people's lives.

I love the idea of being partners with people who want what I want, who love their friendship with me, who love me queerplatonically and passionately, who were looking for a nonsexual/nonromantic partnership before they met me, who are thrilled that I am ace and aro, who feel like they have won the lottery when they meet me and become important to me, who want to be with me for the rest of our lives, who are in complete harmony with me and my desires. I love the idea of being partners and passionate friends with people who look at me every day and think, "Thank God you are who you are, because this friendship is exactly what I want and just what I was dreaming of, and I am so happy."

I love the idea of being partners and friends with people who are so thrilled that I want our relationship to be nonsexual and nonromantic. People who feel the way I do about friendship: who see it as the best and most beautiful and wonderful form of love and relationship on the planet. Oooo, I love the idea of having lots of aro friends who love to cuddle and kiss and caress their close friends, who feel deep and intense love for me and their other friends, who see their friends as the most important people in their lives. I love the idea of being involved with aro sexual people who prize their nonsexual friendships above all and aromantic asexuals who are deeply and completely and eternally satisfied by loving friendship.

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ooooh okay... I think I missed the point when I replied to you before. my asexual partner IS my best friend, but we are in no way aromantic heh. you seem to be specifically looking for aromantic, or platonic friendships? and I am someone who has no friends, out of choice heh. and I love it that way :p

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I don't have any real life friends these days, and to tell the truth, I can't figure out whether or not I like it that way... odd,you'd think it would be easy to know.

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passionatefriend61

Anyone can join in on this thread and talk about being celibate, in nonsexual relationship of any kind, having friends/partners who are in harmony with your asexuality and/or aromanticism, etc. byanyotherusername and I both happen to be aromantic-spectrum and want nonromantic/queerplatonic relationships, but romantic aces can post about how a loving nonsexual romantic relationship would make them feel, if they want.

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