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Anxiety Involving Relationships for Grays, etc.


The PanDemic

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The PanDemic

So I am horribly confused right now, but it's not so much on identity as what I want in life. I was hoping I'd be able to get a bit of advice from some of you lovely people, as well as posts of your own experiences with being gray/demi/ace and experiencing anxiety with dating/relationships/sex. As a note, I have anxiety disorder, not from depression or anything, just the tendency to get panic attacks that is mostly under control by now, except when something really triggers it.

Anyway, pretty much what is going on is that I keep back-and-forthing. I go from feeling lonely and really wanting to be in a relationship and live with someone who's like my best friend but also more, and then as soon as I start to move in that direction, I freak and want to be free and independent and even have panic attacks when thinking about dating or being around the person I was considering. It's become a pattern at this point, and I'm really, really starting to hate myself for getting peoples' hopes up, only to panic and back out.

For a bit of side information, I consider myself demiromantic/sexual as well as panromantic/sexual, but am not entirely solid on those labels. I'm extremely introverted, but not particularly shy or a recluse. I'm confident and have a lot of friends, but simply need a lot of alone time and independence. I've never had a serious relationship, as up till the end of high school I considered myself ace. Then I realized I was completely attracted to my best friend, so confessed. We dated for about a month, but she freaked out, unsure about her sexual identity at the time, and broke it off. I had liked the relationship, though we never really changed how we acted or did anything sexual at the time, so it was still just like being best friends. And I was sad when she broke up with me, but I wasn't devastated by any means. We also kissed a while later, as neither of us had ever done so before, so wanted to 'try it out' with each other, and I honestly just felt nothing.

I spent quite a few years waiting to see if she'd want to get back together, but eventually gave up and have since lost my attraction to her. Ever since I've been unable to date anyone. I met two different people on a dating site and tried hanging out with them with the intention of dating. The first one I started having panic attacks once we were getting too close (and by too close, I mean not even officially seeing each other or anything, just knowing that's where we were headed freaked me out), and ended up cutting ties completely with him. I told myself it was because I was still into my ex and needed more time. The second person, I knew I was completely over my ex by then, and I really got along with her. She seemed like the perfect partner on paper, so I asked her to be my girlfriend, and within that same day, I panicked and broke ties with her too. This is when I discovered what demiromanticism was and decided that's what I was. I felt like it'd moved too fast and I hadn't known her well enough to know if I was attracted to her or not.

So about a year later brings us to the present, where I'm friends with my coworker's brother and we've really hit it off. Known each other for months, have hung out a lot, get along perfectly, and I really started to consider that I might like him. I didn't want to ask him out and then immediately break his heart though, so I've been taking it slow, trying to spend time alone with him, but still as friends, to see if I could figure my feelings out. I asked him if he wanted to get sushi tomorrow, and now it's the night before and I've been having panic attacks all evening. Just the other day I was excited and thinking how great it would be to be in a real relationship and have someone to chill with and watch movies and play games with and such, and now all I want is to be independent and single forever and completely pull away from him except for hanging out as a group of friends.

So what I can't figure out is if I just haven't found the right person since the first girl, or if I've changed as I've matured and have really become ace instead of demi? Am I rushing myself too much? Why do I want a relationship so much, only to want to be independent when even the slightest inklings of romantic interest begin? Don't even get me started with the sexual part. I definitely find people asthetically pleasing, and get turned on from porn involving pop culture characters I like (even though I'm not attracted to them), and I am extremely open about discussing and having interest in sex, but once I think of actually being with a real person, while it doesn't repulse me, the possibilty just seems decades away. So yeah, overall I'm a confident, independent introvert who finds all genders attractive, but only until I get near dating them, then I'm terrified and want to be alone, only to go back to pining for a relationship a few months later again. I worry that I'm only attracted to the idea of being in a relationship, and not to actual people. So... I just want to see what some of you think I should do, and if anyone else has had similar experiences with relationship anxiety?

Sorry for the long post, thanks for reading!

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Do you think you have some unresolved issue? A hidden fear you refuse to face? Or, probably you have learnt this behavior unconsciously from someone?

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Hi there! Your sentence "I worry that I'm only attracted to the idea of being in a relationship, and not to actual people" gave me what is threatening to become a day-long pause for thought. If pushed, I think I'd be able to see how your situation is analogous to mine, only replacing feelings for sex. I'm unsettlingly quick to feel romantically attracted to really pretty much anyone I meet, but on the few occasions where this develops into some sort of actual relationship I tend to become sexually unpredictable and sooner or later (sooner and sooner as I get older...) I feel like I have no choice but to break it off before I capsize under feelings of sexual inadequacy and emotional insecurity. This was more or less a pattern during my twenties, after which things kind of coalesced into a more self-sufficient romantic standoffishness that I'm not sure I don't now regret. I did do a lot of exploring of what could be behind this seeming allergy to proximity to actual real people, but eventually, and weirdly, I could no longer stand sustaining the hope that I'd actually find something and change.

I'd love to be able to give some sort of more concrete advice, erm sorry. I now vaguely suspect that my possibly leaky demand for affection has something to do with a sense of self-insufficiency; with needing someone else around me at all costs to be human in my stead. If that even means anything... I have been known to inhabit a world 90% made up of solipsistic navel-gazing.

In any event: I don't think I regret any of my invariably disastrous relationships - that is, right now at this moment I don't, though for a long time I did. The hardest thing is having to find ways to make room inside your brain for your own self-contradictions, maybe. I have had rare, fleeting moments of trusting someone so completely that my fears briefly seems to belong to someone else; and also times of unwarranted confidence collapsing into pure dread. I'm fairly sure I'll bang my head against the wall a few more times, panic or no panic - I'm still not quite ready to overcome the conviction that I'll never figure myself out by myself; that only in relation to other people I can have any clue to who I am.

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The PanDemic

@Amoeba Colony: I've been wondering that myself. Honestly, though I sound like a mess in my above post, with most other things I'm pretty stable and don't have a lot of unwarranted fears, but of course can't discount that possibility. I definitely have always had problems showing affection. I've never liked hugs, holding hands, or anything physical from anyone. I'm okay with this and have accepted it as part of who I am. On the other hand, I've had many close friendships and familial bonds. I've never been 'in the closet' about any of my confusing identities. I talk things out with those I'm close to to figure them out and understand one another (those I'm close to know of my current predicament).

I definitely have love and empathy for other people, but sometimes wonder if I'm only wanting a best friend, which is something I gradually lost over time after person#1 and I broke up. We're still friends, but we drifted over time is all. I've had an extremely easy life with no traumas involving other people, besides basic bullying and those kinds of things, which I was able to just shrug off even as a child. My family is very extroverted and open, and have always shown a lot of love both emotionally and physically. I can't think of anyone I 'learned' my behavior from, though it would've been nice to have someone to have as a role model of sorts. The only thing that was at all traumatizing for me was that I grew up as an introvert in an extrovert's world, but that's probably true for most introverts. My anxiety disorder is mostly hormonal imbalance, as I would just have panic attacks for no apparent reason, and got it under control with medicine. Now I only have them from triggers, so obviously there is some fear impacting it, but the original problem was random.

So yeah, I was wondering about the supressed fear or learned behavior as well, but I just can't think of a way that that fits in. Thank you for the question though, and if you think you see any other possibilities with my reply, please feel free to post.

@A-Mazing: Thank you for your reply; I want to hear about other peoples' experiences with these types of situations to get a handle on mine, plus if I can give any advice to anyone in return, that's awesome too. Our situations to sound similar in the 'sudden freak out at one point' part. But it sounds like you've figured out the underlying issue to yours, which is good, though obviously it sucks to have the situation in the first place. I'd keep going trying to figure yourself out though. It may just one day click, and I'm sure that would feel amazing. I hope to get to that point too. I honestly don't care if I'm Pan or Demi or Ace or whatever. I just want to know what I should pursue in life. And I know labels are flexible and all of that is a spectrum, but... I guess mostly I just want to know if I'm denying my own asexuality or if it is some underlying reason, where I'd want to be in a relationship but have some kind of block preventing me from doing so.

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