Not My Area Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 I posted this earlier this morning in Musings & Rantings, and then realized after the fact that it probably belonged in here. Thanks to lycanrising and xavy for the previous replies. So, I find myself in a kind of a pickle and look to you all for advice! Before I identified as ace, I had a lot of short-lived relationships. I really enjoyed dating, but anytime I progressed to a point that I felt like sex would be expected, I would just cut them loose. Last summer I found out about asexuality, and realized pretty quickly that's what I am. From then on, I immediately 'friend-zoned' everyone I met. A few weeks ago I ran into someone I knew in college, and we got to talking online and it turns out we have a lot in common! So, we're getting together for a movie and to catch up on things. This feels A LOT like a "date" in the traditional sense. And I guess I like him - I might even be attracted to him (as attracted as I'm able to be lol). If things were to progress to a point where sex was expected, I wouldn't be able to engage in that. So, what do I do? It may not be true in the grand scheme, but I personally feel like, for sexuals (who make up the vasty vast majority of the world), dating implies the prospect of sex at a later point. Since sex is out of the picture for me, I kind of feel like a liar going on a date at all - but on the other hand, "hey I'm asexual" seems like an awkward first date conversation to have, also.... People of AVEN, fellow aces - do you date? If so, how do you handle those conversations? Should I friend-zone this fellow as well, for the sake of avoiding drama? Should I date him and just cross that bridge when I get there? Does anyone here have experience with this sort of thing? Link to post Share on other sites
MaxAmoeba Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 I am over 30 and never been on a date. The reasons are many. The primary being, there are no good enough people for me to date :-P Link to post Share on other sites
SithLord Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 I'm a relationship with a guy who started dating after I identified as ace. He's such a gentleman at times and took it slow, not even kissing me until the second or third date I believe (my memory is horrible and if he finds this post later maybe he'll say I'm wrong, but this is what I remember). I'm not comfortable with kissing even so I came out to him right then and there. He's wonderfully understanding and is still dating me. It's a challenge but we've made it and have no desire to break up. I think you should do like I did, and as I believe many other asexuals dating do. If you want to date someone, date them, but make sure you come out to them when you're ready and don't let them expect sex if you never intend on giving it. Some sexual people say they want to wait until marriage, because they're religious or whatever, so maybe you can say that if you're not entirely ready to come out yet. However I wouldn't suggest this because it implies you'll have sex eventually and he might get mad at you lying if you actually get that far. You could also just date in the ace community. It's small and restricted but there's no fear of anyone hating you for not giving them sex. : D One warning, however. If you continue to date him, he might still want sex. You have to be prepared to either compromise and have sex eventually (how often if up to you) or break up with him. It's a huge problem with mixed relationships and there is a category of topics on this as well. Link to post Share on other sites
SorryNotSorry Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 TBH I think the dating scene on the whole is nothing short of a disaster area nowadays, and that we as asexuals who want somebody to love, really should experience our own collective Stonewall moment first, because we can do well without all the negativity, scams, and other crap which turned mainstream dating into a disaster area in the first place. Part of the problem is that so many of us have been listening to a bunch of talking heads for too long. Link to post Share on other sites
Mx.Jekyll Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 I've only ever dated sexuals. I feel the easiest way for these things to brought up in my case has been bringing it up when I first realize we may be interested in each other, before anyone "makes a move." I've always been rather open with being ace and talking about relationships/sex, so once it's brought up is when I talk about it. I obviously don't just drop into it, but working up to it...I've never had a bad outcome. This way, they know from the beginning what my expectations and thoughts are. I've never had anyone stop talking to me, but I have had people become more distant...which is inevitable when people are trying to sort their feelings. So...I think that maybe before you officially date, start a conversation about something that allows you to mention your asexuality and just casually bring it up. It doesn't have to be a "if we date, you should know..." sort of thing. Just tell them like you would a friend or a parent or a stranger. I just think things get way more complicated when you wait. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 How long have you been talking to / known this person? If you've known them as a sort of friend for a few weeks before this date, I would bring up the asexuality thing (don't have to use the label, but explain that sex is not on the table, but romance is and explain what that means to you) before the 2nd date. If you don't really know them that well, I would do it before the 3rd date. It's best to get it out early, because once time and emotions are invested, it can lead to anger and resentment as they can feel "lead on" since it's a safe assumption that sex is something they want to be part of it. Kinda like, you don't date someone you know wants kids, if you are child-free, without putting out on the table. If they know, then it is then their decision if they can deal with that, or if it's a deal breaker. DO NOT say you are waiting until marriage. Or waiting at all. If you KNOW you don't want sex and you say you are just waiting or "not ready yet", someone may stay and wait, but when they find out you really mean "I do not ever want sex" and they've waited for you to be ready... that's a recipe for anger, resentment, trust issues and a big ball of drama you don't want. And it isn't fair to them, or you. Link to post Share on other sites
Not My Area Posted August 31, 2014 Author Share Posted August 31, 2014 Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the advice. It's nice to have these reminders that I'm not the first person ever to deal with this sort of thing :) I will probably avoid using any terminology to explain myself... and just hope it comes up in conversation after a date or two. We'll see. Eeep! Link to post Share on other sites
NitramGal413 Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Hi there! :D As a demiromantic, I've not had so many relationships myself, but I think the best thing you can do if you want the relationship to work, is save yourself the trouble and have the asexy conversation relatively soon. that way it's out there and he can ask you questions, discuss the topic, etc. If he has a problem with your orientation, then he's probably not right for you. If he knows it up front, the two of you won't have to go through the awkwardness of your relationship ending based solely on that. Link to post Share on other sites
Frigid Pink Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 I've dated people when I've wanted to date them and, generally, I tell people early on, even before we've had an official first date sometimes, because it's pretty important to me that whoever I date accepts my (a)sexuality. It's a deal breaker if they don't accept that about me. By the way, I mainly dated online over the past couple of years and my (a)sexual preferences were listed in my profile and I talked with people a bit online and on the phone before we ever met up in person. Link to post Share on other sites
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