Why do people have sex?

[Hooded_Crow]

Hello community :)

So I've posted some stuff on the backup forum and I'd like to put it back in the question area, and make it more of a thing. Cos it's still nagging me. I'll try not to rant.

I have a relatively high libido - let's say regular - and that is one of the reasons why I failed to identify as asexual for so long. I now understand that a libido doesn't rule out asexuality, so that's out of the way. I identify as asexual because I have never met anyone who was capable of turning me on, or anyone I could picture myself doing that with. Situations turn me on. Atmospheres turn me on. Sounds. Words. Not people.

But there's still something bothering me.

I can imagine myself having sex with a partner because I love them and it probably feels nice. It's also a way to feel close to them while relieving libido. I can imagine someone being able to turn me on using situation, atmosphere, sounds, words - emotional intimacy.

I guess my question is this: is there really anything else to wanting to have sex with someone?

Or, alternatively: is anyone feeling the same?

If someone can tell me: 'Yes, there is something more, this is not the reason why most people have sex', or 'people usually know they want to have sex with someone before any of that happens,' then I'll admit I would feel more secure calling myself asexual.

Of course, that doesn't account for people looking for one night stands with strangers they'll never see again, but I always figured these people were the minority.

[Philip027]

I'm nonlibidoist and repulsed, but it's a good question that I couldn't imagine what the answers are... so wouldn't mind seeing what others say.

[Zash]

From what I understand, the primary motivator for people is that it feels really good. I don't personally understand that, but, that is what I have been told, and it matches to my observations of other people. I have seen people respond to "Why are you with such a jerk?" with "Because the sex is really good."

People usually know they want sex before they have it. It is wired into (most) human's brains. It is so the species will continue in general. It is an evolutionary advantage to want sex, because if you are driven to have sex subconsciously, you will have more children, and more chances for your children to survive. At least until recently, and since evolution takes a LONG time, it hasn't quite caught up yet.

I will say you have better reasons than most on why to have sex.

[Sage Raven Domino]

I think sexual people often find that a partner can stimulate their sensitive body spots more effectively (pleasurably) than themselves, and part of that additional pleasure comes from the surprise effect, like one can feel tickling only if another person or object does it to them.

[TheKindredSoul]

There are many reasons why people want sex, but the main reason is because the stimulation feels extremely good. It is good that people enjoy sex, because that is how humans reproduce.

I am a non-libidoist, and also repulsed, so this answer is just from people I know. I can see why it would feel good though, because the genital area is one of the most sensitive parts of the human body.

People also have sex for many other reasons to, like for control. There is like a whole list as to why people have sex, but the main reason is pleasure, which if the partners are heterosexual, produces offspring.

[Hooded_Crow]

I guess what I meant by 'Is there really anything else to wanting to have sex with someone?' is 'Is there really anything more to sexual attraction?'

I know people may have sex for control or other reasons like that, but as far as sexual attraction goes, is it different to what I'm feeling.

I guess it might be different because I would only potentially feel the desire to have sex with someone if I was already aroused.

Thing is, if I was aroused and there was someone there that I was very much in love with and comfortable with, I'm not sure whether I'd still prefer to take care of it on my own, or have sex with my partner. I'm leaning towards 'on my own' right now, but that may just be virgin nervousness. I guess I get insecure and wonder if the answer to that question would justify a re-evaluation of my sexuality. Probably not, but sometimes I need reassurance that I 'qualify' as it were - which I know, I know, is ridiculous.

What do you think?

[Tja]

Having sex creates endorphins which stimulates the pleasure centers of the brain, or something like that. It's all just chemical reaction. Some are hyper sensitive and need it more.

I'm thankful I don't need it at all. I mean, a good book is all I need to pleasure my brain. :)

[Guest]

Hmmmm... It's very sad but many people have sex because it's in fashion to have a good sexual life, the more partners you have, the more sex positions you test the more esteemed you are in your friend circle ( If you have such friends of course :) ) . So sex is now threatened as a good and healthy life manifest and gymnastics. I think we lost the sexual sense, we prefer one night stands and such things because it's much easier and building the relationship is hard. I think the lack of sex ed is also a factor because sex ed is not only pregnancy and STD protection but also learning how to build healthy sexual relationship just without Cosmo hot tricks and tons of one night stands. If sexual sphere hadn't been a taboo for centuries we wouldn't have struggled with this problem now.

My sex image is not just capable to nowadays one, it's too romantic, not porn like, so it would be hard to find a right person :(

[Sockstealingnome]

I guess what I meant by 'Is there really anything else to wanting to have sex with someone?' is 'Is there really anything more to sexual attraction?'

I know people may have sex for control or other reasons like that, but as far as sexual attraction goes, is it different to what I'm feeling.

I guess it might be different because I would only potentially feel the desire to have sex with someone if I was already aroused.

Thing is, if I was aroused and there was someone there that I was very much in love with and comfortable with, I'm not sure whether I'd still prefer to take care of it on my own, or have sex with my partner. I'm leaning towards 'on my own' right now, but that may just be virgin nervousness. I guess I get insecure and wonder if the answer to that question would justify a re-evaluation of my sexuality. Probably not, but sometimes I need reassurance that I 'qualify' as it were - which I know, I know, is ridiculous.

What do you think?

Yes, it's different from sexual attraction though that's not to say a sexual person couldn't feel the same way. By that, I mean that your situation is depicting not necessarily sexual attraction but a willingness to allow someone else to help relieve your libido. Sexual people can feel that, too. It's more that the other person happens to be in the right place at the right time.

[WhenSummersGone]

As a Demisexual I get more of those feel good emotions when it's someone I deeply care about. I still have no idea why people choose to have casual sex/one night stands because in my experience I didn't get anything out of it. I hear exercise releases those same feelings so I'd much rather go for a long walk.

Hmmmm... It's very sad but many people have sex because it's in fashion to have a good sexual life, the more partners you have, the more sex positions you test the more esteemed you are in your friend circle ( If you have such friends of course :) ) . I think we lost the sexual sense, we prefer one night stands and such things because it's much easier and building the relationship is hard.

I don't think humans prefer one night stands and many partners, only some do.

[Sage Raven Domino]

Going for long walks doesn't earn as much respect among fellows as 'conquering' someone several times a week.

[WhenSummersGone]

Going for long walks doesn't earn as much respect among fellows as 'conquering' someone several times a week.

I was just referring to the endorphins that are released during sex.

[CNGB]

I think the reason people want sex has a lot to do with biology. It's human nature to mate and whatnot, and then here are the people who don't want to have sex with the opposite sex (or at all). That doesn't mean that there's something "wrong" with the people who don't want either of those things, as I'm sure we all know--but I do believe that biology is the scientific answer to your question.

One of my closest friends was explaining asexuality to one of her friends on my behalf and she said at one point that she believes that some people, especially women, like to have sex more for the fact that they feel sexy while doing it rather than even the "feel-goods." I thought that was very interesting.

Otherwise, it's a mixture of how society is and how good it feels, I'd say.

I guess what I meant by 'Is there really anything else to wanting to have sex with someone?' is 'Is there really anything more to sexual attraction?'

I know people may have sex for control or other reasons like that, but as far as sexual attraction goes, is it different to what I'm feeling.

I guess it might be different because I would only potentially feel the desire to have sex with someone if I was already aroused.

Thing is, if I was aroused and there was someone there that I was very much in love with and comfortable with, I'm not sure whether I'd still prefer to take care of it on my own, or have sex with my partner. I'm leaning towards 'on my own' right now, but that may just be virgin nervousness. I guess I get insecure and wonder if the answer to that question would justify a re-evaluation of my sexuality. Probably not, but sometimes I need reassurance that I 'qualify' as it were - which I know, I know, is ridiculous.

What do you think?

I think that this idea, that someone can sometimes feel sexual attraction, is exactly where we jump off solid ground and go swimming in the ocean.

I have a libido myself, and I think it's probably slightly less than normal but still more than a lot of other asexuals. I used to be confused as to whether or not I really am asexual, because I fantasize about having sex with people when I do get aroused. Of course, there is a difference between doing things in daydreams and wanting to do them in real life. Anyway, even if I did have sex with someone--and I suppose that I could, if I loved a person enough (though I couldn't do it more than once a week. Heck, even weekly sounds like it's pushing it to me)--that wouldn't make me less asexual. Even if I enjoyed it, that still wouldn't make me less asexual.

Again, this is a murky area, but I would say that if you did feel good while having sex then it would just mean that you'd feel good while having sex, but if you felt sexual attraction frequently to the person you love, and no one else, then wouldn't it be more likely that you'd be demisexual? The way you seem to describe it, you just aren't sexually attracted to people . . . but you say that there's a possibility that if you developed a really deep, emotional bond with someone then you might want to have sex. That would be demisexuality.

(Though I would say that if you've already determined that you're not demisexual, you might be over-thinking things, like I do sometimes. :) )

[EricK]

There are many reasons why people want sex, but the main reason is because the stimulation feels extremely good. It is good that people enjoy sex, because that is how humans reproduce.

I am a non-libidoist, and also repulsed, so this answer is just from people I know. I can see why it would feel good though, because the genital area is one of the most sensitive parts of the human body.

People also have sex for many other reasons to, like for control. There is like a whole list as to why people have sex, but the main reason is pleasure, which if the partners are heterosexual, produces offspring.

Although this doesn't explain why people want to have sex before they really know what it feels like. Ultimately they want to have sex because they have an innate desire for sex. And although it feels good, part of the reason it feels good is that it sates that desire. As an analogy, some foods are enjoyable at almost any time, but almost any food is enjoyable if you are hungry enough.

Notice this is different to other hobbies which one might enjoy. eg you might enjoy playing badminton but not squash; but you don't have an innate desire to play badminton - you would only know you enjoy it and want to do it over and over again after you've played it.

[Hooded_Crow]

Again, this is a murky area, but I would say that if you did feel good while having sex then it would just mean that you'd feel good while having sex, but if you felt sexual attraction frequently to the person you love, and no one else, then wouldn't it be more likely that you'd be demisexual? The way you seem to describe it, you just aren't sexually attracted to people . . . but you say that there's a possibility that if you developed a really deep, emotional bond with someone then you might want to have sex. That would be demisexuality.

(Though I would say that if you've already determined that you're not demisexual, you might be over-thinking things, like I do sometimes. :) )

I do think I'm over-thinking this.

I think the nuance is as Sockstealingnome suggested (awesome user name, by the way). If I'm already aroused for some other reason - might be prolonged touching or kissing, might be libido working up on its own - then I'd be willing. And being willing is not the same as desiring it or wanting specifically that. Unprompted, I would never go 'hey, let's have sex!'

I can relate to being confused because you fantasize about having sex while aroused. Happens to me too although it's usually very vague and un-graphic.

Thanks, you guys. And girls. And others. ;) That all really helps, plus it's very interesting.

I also think this idea of women liking sex because it makes them feel sexy is intriguing. It's like it sort of goes in a circle. Feeling sexy --> wanting sex --> feeling sexy etc.

[WhenSummersGone]

I also think this idea of women liking sex because it makes them feel sexy is intriguing. It's like it sort of goes in a circle. Feeling sexy --> wanting sex --> feeling sexy etc.

During my teen years I tried casual sex to somehow feel desired but it didn't work. All that did was make me repulsed by the idea of sleeping around. I honestly have no idea how some people do it. How does meaningless sex replace a feeling that someone cares about you? I guess I'll never understand. If I can make a connection without having to get naked I'd rather do that.

[BangBang]

I'm pretty sure it's more than nerve endings feeling good. It's a rush of chemicals throughout the body that is triggered by lust and sexual attraction.

[Palovana]

I wish I hadn't read through this thread. Now I want to put a gun to my head.

[Hooded_Crow]

I wish I hadn't read through this thread. Now I want to put a gun to my head.

Aaw, no. Despite everything that's been said on here, I still think most sexual people have sex to express love and to have fun. It's not always that twisted. Or at least I hope not. XD

[CNGB]

Again, this is a murky area, but I would say that if you did feel good while having sex then it would just mean that you'd feel good while having sex, but if you felt sexual attraction frequently to the person you love, and no one else, then wouldn't it be more likely that you'd be demisexual? The way you seem to describe it, you just aren't sexually attracted to people . . . but you say that there's a possibility that if you developed a really deep, emotional bond with someone then you might want to have sex. That would be demisexuality.

(Though I would say that if you've already determined that you're not demisexual, you might be over-thinking things, like I do sometimes. :) )

I do think I'm over-thinking this.

I think the nuance is as Sockstealingnome suggested (awesome user name, by the way). If I'm already aroused for some other reason - might be prolonged touching or kissing, might be libido working up on its own - then I'd be willing. And being willing is not the same as desiring it or wanting specifically that. Unprompted, I would never go 'hey, let's have sex!'

I can relate to being confused because you fantasize about having sex while aroused. Happens to me too although it's usually very vague and un-graphic.

Thanks, you guys. And girls. And others. ;) That all really helps, plus it's very interesting.

I also think this idea of women liking sex because it makes them feel sexy is intriguing. It's like it sort of goes in a circle. Feeling sexy --> wanting sex --> feeling sexy etc.

Well then, I hope that discussing all this with everybody here has helped you feel a bit more secure in your sexual orientation. There's probably a good chance that your wondering whether you are or are not will crop up again in the future, but I do hope that you'll be able to stifle it a bit more quckly and, one day, you won't have to wonder at all.

And yes, I'd agree that the idea of that is very interesting. I'm not sure if it's true or not, but I think it probably explains a lot of peoples' attitudes toward sex.

[FiddleKid]

What I don't understand is how that "act" can possibly feel so good to people.. then again I am repulsed and aromantic so don't understand the emotional and romantic attraction/arousal/lust stuff...

[Sockstealingnome]

I think the reason people want sex has a lot to do with biology. It's human nature to mate and whatnot, and then here are the people who don't want to have sex with the opposite sex (or at all). That doesn't mean that there's something "wrong" with the people who don't want either of those things, as I'm sure we all know--but I do believe that biology is the scientific answer to your question.

One of my closest friends was explaining asexuality to one of her friends on my behalf and she said at one point that she believes that some people, especially women, like to have sex more for the fact that they feel sexy while doing it rather than even the "feel-goods." I thought that was very interesting.

Otherwise, it's a mixture of how society is and how good it feels, I'd say.

I guess what I meant by 'Is there really anything else to wanting to have sex with someone?' is 'Is there really anything more to sexual attraction?'

I know people may have sex for control or other reasons like that, but as far as sexual attraction goes, is it different to what I'm feeling.

I guess it might be different because I would only potentially feel the desire to have sex with someone if I was already aroused.

Thing is, if I was aroused and there was someone there that I was very much in love with and comfortable with, I'm not sure whether I'd still prefer to take care of it on my own, or have sex with my partner. I'm leaning towards 'on my own' right now, but that may just be virgin nervousness. I guess I get insecure and wonder if the answer to that question would justify a re-evaluation of my sexuality. Probably not, but sometimes I need reassurance that I 'qualify' as it were - which I know, I know, is ridiculous.

What do you think?

I think that this idea, that someone can sometimes feel sexual attraction, is exactly where we jump off solid ground and go swimming in the ocean.

I have a libido myself, and I think it's probably slightly less than normal but still more than a lot of other asexuals. I used to be confused as to whether or not I really am asexual, because I fantasize about having sex with people when I do get aroused. Of course, there is a difference between doing things in daydreams and wanting to do them in real life. Anyway, even if I did have sex with someone--and I suppose that I could, if I loved a person enough (though I couldn't do it more than once a week. Heck, even weekly sounds like it's pushing it to me)--that wouldn't make me less asexual. Even if I enjoyed it, that still wouldn't make me less asexual.

Again, this is a murky area, but I would say that if you did feel good while having sex then it would just mean that you'd feel good while having sex, but if you felt sexual attraction frequently to the person you love, and no one else, then wouldn't it be more likely that you'd be demisexual? The way you seem to describe it, you just aren't sexually attracted to people . . . but you say that there's a possibility that if you developed a really deep, emotional bond with someone then you might want to have sex. That would be demisexuality.

(Though I would say that if you've already determined that you're not demisexual, you might be over-thinking things, like I do sometimes. :) )

Well...not necessarily. In order for it to be demisexuality, you'd have to want sex with that person as opposed to just being comfortable enough to compromise and have sex.

[Guest]

Why do people have sex: Because they want to.

The WHY they want to varies by individual.

Sexuals I know need sex, not just their libido relieved. And often, they don't particularly care who it is with, as long as they are attractive. Some have to have an emotional bond with the person, even if not a romantic bond, before they can have sex. Or at least really like the person's personality. But, some will have sex with just anything that looks good too. Depends on the person. My ex will go two years without sex, if he can't find someone willing that fits his moral/ethical ideals for sex (someone he likes, not just finds attractive and isn't attached to anyone). My partner on the other hand, has taken oral sex on a bus from someone he didn't know and dated girls he didn't even like cause they were "hot" and he wanted sex from them. They both consider themselves sexual. So, it's a pretty wide spectrum of WHY someone has sex with a specific person.

But, the thing every sexual I know has in common - they desire sex, no matter if there is a person to desire it from. If they go a long time without sex, they think "man, I could go with getting laid" ... even if they aren't with someone, or have anyone in mind. Even if they won't seek out random sex to fix their "dry spell" because of whatever reason, it's still something they miss.