Questions!

[thirdstars]

So maybe the answers to all my questions are somewhere on this forum, but I have so far not found them. Nor when I tried to google them and now my head is swimming a little so I might as well just ask, right?

I will try to keep this short.

I've spent the last months trying to figure myself out. And it's going... at least somewhat well. There's so much I never understood when I grew up, why I reacted and felt and thought as I did, that made me so nervous and sad. It makes more sense now. What I'm still having trouble with is the sexuality/relationship bit and that's where I hope you can help me with.

I'm 21. Female. I'm a virgin. Never been in a relationship, never dated. When I was a child and my friends and classmates talked about falling in love I always felt like something was wrong with me. That didn't happen for me. I never really felt like I wanted it either. At some occations I told myself I really liked someone romantically because I felt it was expected of me. At the same time I wondered if it was possible to simply not fall in love, ever.

That was before I found out about asexuality, and the other sexualities apart from straight and gay. Then for a couple of years I've simply not thought about it. So much else was going on it didn't matter. But now I kinda want to know. And yes, labels doesn't matter, but already I know how it feels. Now I want to know how to explain it... Does that make sense?

So I guess this following part is where the questions start.

It has changed a little from what I thought/felt when I was younger. The thought of going the rest of my life without a partner doesn't bother me. I am going to need friends and family and that kind of closeness in my life, but I don't need a romantic relationship. At the same time, if the situation presented itself, I wouldn't mind it. The same goes for sex. I'd like to have sex. But if I'm a virgin the rest of my life then 'eeh *shrug*'.

So I guess that means I'm not simply a asexual/aromantic? So I've been thinking about demisexuality/demiromantic? I've been in love once in my life. Granted it's not a very long life yet, but still. And even that isn't exactly 'being in love' as such, it's more of a mix between confused feelings and a crush. Nevertheless, it was the one and only time I've thought "I could spend the rest of my life with this person." This was a person I was very, very close to, so demiromantic seems pretty fitting, right?

But here's the part I'm most confused over. It feels like demiromantic and demisexual should go hand in hand? But it doesn't for me. I can't see myself being close enough with another person to want to be in a relationship. But I can see myself having sex with someone. I'd actually like to. Again, if I don't, then fine. No worries. But I'd like to. It doesn't even have to be a person I'm close to. Actually I'd rather prefer if I didn't know the person. I pretty much want the sex, not the before and after. So I can't be demisexual, can I?
(As a sidenote, I don't really get aroused by people/celebreties, but I definitely find some people attractive, both male and female. I also mastrubate sometimes, and like it, if that is something that should be taken into consideration.)

So much for keeping it short. Cakes and cookies to anyone who's still reading.
I just want to hear your oppinions on what I might... 'be'? Again, labels doesn't matter and yadda yadda, I know, but I still kinda want to know..

(Also, tell me if I'm posting this in the wrong place or have messed something up! I'm still learning!)

[cethmistmyk]

First off, welcome! :D

Your first few paragraphs are basically describing me (female, 21, virgin, never really had a crush or relationship, etc.) so based on that I would totally say ace/aro however, your last few paragraphs describe, to me, someone who would feel comfortable with sex (where as the idea of ME having sex with someone I know, even a total stranger, is rather repulsive) so that would imply gray-asexual (occasionally wanting sex).

Just to be sure, you know that your sexual / romantic orientation don't have to be the same, ya? So you could be aromantic and gray-asexual (or even somewhere on the sexual spectrum).

Also, I do masturbate occasionally, but it's to erotica rather than to a fantasy about another person...

Hope that helped! And we are ALL different, so the line between one label for one person may be a totally different line for another! :D

[Philip027]

But here's the part I'm most confused over. It feels like demiromantic and demisexual should go hand in hand? But it doesn't for me.

It feels like that because matched orientations are what society assumes and expects. Spend enough time around here and you'll realize quick, it is not always that way.

Personally, I am demiromantic (to the best of my knowledge). I highly doubt I'm demisexual. I've felt *something* before toward people that feels like romantic feels, but despite that I've never felt anything sexual toward those people (or anyone/anything else, for that matter)

[deltaX]

I agree with the above comments that romantic and sexual orientations doesn't have to be the same. For most people romantic and sexual orientations match up, but that doesn't mean having different romantic and sexual orientations is impossible; I've talked to a ton of people on aven whose orientations are opposite or mismatched.

From what you wrote it sounds like you could be aromantic grey-asexual, or something along those lines, but of course, I can't tell for sure since I'm not in your head. Try to look at each orientation separately and see what seems to fit, and research/ask questions if you're confused about anything.

No matter what labels you decide for yourself, I wish you luck figuring it all out! :)

[CNGB]

If you say that demisexuality and demiromantic go together, then by that same logic so would asexuality and aromantic. As I'm sure you know, they don't--and so neither do the two demis.

It sounds to me that you're sexual and demiromantic. But I don't know. It's really up to you how you decide.

[LittleCircusNut]

You can identify as asexual and still have and enjoy sex. The label is about your orientation -do you see people and want to have sex with them? Not really? Well there you go - not your behaviour. Just like a sexually orientated individual who has not had sex yet is not asexual, they are just a sexual person who for whatever reasons has not or does not have sex.