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Why Do People Keep Telling Me I'm A Lesbian?


SkyFish

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Through the few years since, I've had 5 really close girlfriends. People who went to hell and back with me and who I can talk to about anything. I have 2 equally close guy friends, but I have phycological issues with guys and tend to only trust them if they're safely in commited relationships. I've also never dated, and I'm very intense.

Two of the girlfriends, have sent me ranting to online anonymous chat sites. One multiple times over the years, for multiple suicide attempts - so a lot of emotions were involved. I've found that the ranting help me clear my mind and process.

Almost every time, I've been told that my affection, and concern for the girls sounds like jealous love. Yes, I love them - like sisters. (I'm closer to my friends than my family.) And I'm probably overprotective as they're both petite, pretty, and emotionally fragil. But I don't get why that intense of a love has to be lesbian. I would be happy to spend one afternoon a week with them for the rest of my life like we did in college, but that's it. ^_^

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'she's a girl, she has to date guys. Wait, she doesn't? She has to be a lesbian, no other possible reason why'.

If it wasn't obvious, my opinion is most people are quick to the judging poll station.

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You describe a wide range of personal 'disagreements' and 'conflicts' in three brief paragraphs To me, they are all examples of personal angst* that has begun to shut-you-down. I suggest you've got to discard the most damaging relationships, and read the 'riot act' to those you choose to retain.

trigger-warning

I learned that you have to inject some positive vibes into your relationships or else...anxiety, depression, anger and self-harm will continue to eat away at you. Get activated and good luck! Cia :D

*Wiki it if you don't know it.

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I was more confused by how deeply caring was continually being mistaken for romance... I have learned to disengage somewhat if I'm holding up to much of the relationship. :)

You describe a wide range of personal 'disagreements' and 'conflicts' in three brief paragraphs To me, they are all examples of personal angst* that has begun to shut-you-down. I suggest you've got to discard the most damaging relationships, and read the 'riot act' to those you choose to retain.

trigger-warning

I learned that you have to inject some positive vibes into your relationships or else...anxiety, depression, anger and self-harm will continue to eat away at you. Get activated and good luck! Cia :D

*Wiki it if you don't know it.

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I've never dated. I've also never had a real "crush". This has made several people my age, including my friends, wonder if I am lesbian. This was when I didn't know asexuality was a thing, so I didn't really know how to get rid of their doubts.

People like to know about other people's sexuality for some reason. So they don't see you don't date the opposite gender, people assume that you're homosexual. In your case, other people say you feel jealous love for your friends. They assume this is romantic jealous love. The thing is, friends can get jealous too. It's actually really common when friends find new significant others, and can't spend as much time with the rest of their friends. Not saying this is what you're feeling, just an example. The important thing is to know your feelings, whatever they are, and to accept these feelings.

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Certified Cake Decorator

Yeah. Asexuals confuse people's gay-dars. It's actually kinda fun sometimes.

You can get a shirt that says "Asexuals: confusing the fuck out of your gaydars". Hahaha

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I've never dated. I've also never had a real "crush". This has made several people my age, including my friends, wonder if I am lesbian. This was when I didn't know asexuality was a thing, so I didn't really know how to get rid of their doubts.

People like to know about other people's sexuality for some reason. So they don't see you don't date the opposite gender, people assume that you're homosexual. In your case, other people say you feel jealous love for your friends. They assume this is romantic jealous love. The thing is, friends can get jealous too. It's actually really common when friends find new significant others, and can't spend as much time with the rest of their friends. Not saying this is what you're feeling, just an example. The important thing is to know your feelings, whatever they are, and to accept these feelings.

That makes sense to me. I don't even have a real good grasp of what romantic love is - but I assume it'll be obvious if the perfect person ever wanders in.

I've wondered about jealousy. The newer girl is dating a new guy, and I am concerned about him - but other close friends have dated without disturbing me. So... still figuring it out. Thank you for the reassurence.

Yeah. Asexuals confuse people's gay-dars. It's actually kinda fun sometimes.

You can get a shirt that says "Asexuals: confusing the fuck out of your gaydars". Hahaha

This. I love it!!!

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Touchofinsight

There is a quite simple reason for it if you think about it from their perspective. For most people if you aren't bisexual/heterosexual you then must be homosexual. Speaking frankly and in generalizations, most people have no idea what asexuality is and that it's even an "option".

People find the answers to questions first and foremost from their own point of view, their pool of knowledge. If your friends know that you aren't into guys then they use the process of elimination... so if your not into guys, that means your not heterosexual, and certainly not bisexual so... what's left in their pool of knowledge? Homosexual.

Ta-da!

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passionatefriend61

Society--meaning romantic/sexual people especially, but also often romantic asexuals--is in the habit of romanticizing and sexualizing intense emotion, love, attachment, affection, etc. There are a lot of complex reasons for this that I could explain at length, but I'm not in the mood right now. It basically boils down to: people are conditioned to believe that anything deeper and stronger than lukewarm care/love/concern for someone is motivated by romantic and sexual attraction, and they also want to believe this because of romance supremacy and sex supremacy deeply ingrained into the collective psyche (which basically suggests that romantic love is superior to nonromantic love and sexual relationships are superior to nonsexual relationships). I also think that a common incapability on the part of romantic/sexual people to feel deep and intense emotion, love, attachment, and affection outside of romantic/sexual contexts is also a factor in the belief that all of that doesn't exist outside of said contexts. It's pretty common for human beings to irrationally conclude that if they personally don't experience something, then nobody does or that people who do are abnormal.

People see what they want to see and what they believe in, basically.

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Yeah. Asexuals confuse people's gay-dars.

This is so very true.

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Yeah. Asexuals confuse people's gay-dars. It's actually kinda fun sometimes.

You can get a shirt that says "Asexuals: confusing the fuck out of your gaydars". Hahaha

I almost wish I could confuse people's gaydars. Nobody has ever assumed I'm anything but heterosexual. :/

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I think it's just that asexuality isn't as widely known, so if someone isn't interested in the opposite gender the automatic assumption is that they're gay. I've had this so often with my best friend, as both her family and mine thought we were girlfriends. Even people we'd only been around a short time would soon ask 'are you dating' or 'how long have you been together'. We usually find it quite amusing just because we're not. She's bi and I'm ace, though I know she did have a crush on me at one point. But we were just such good friends and had the same sense of humour and interests that people often thought we were together.

It's only in the last few years my family have stopped asking if I was a lesbian, or dropping hints like 'if you were gay, we'd accept it'. I think they've gotten the hint that I'm just not interested at all.

@Certified Cake Decorator: I would love a shirt that says that. XD

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Society--meaning romantic/sexual people especially, but also often romantic asexuals--is in the habit of romanticizing and sexualizing intense emotion, love, attachment, affection, etc. There are a lot of complex reasons for this that I could explain at length, but I'm not in the mood right now. It basically boils down to: people are conditioned to believe that anything deeper and stronger than lukewarm care/love/concern for someone is motivated by romantic and sexual attraction, and they also want to believe this because of romance supremacy and sex supremacy deeply ingrained into the collective psyche (which basically suggests that romantic love is superior to nonromantic love and sexual relationships are superior to nonsexual relationships). I also think that a common incapability on the part of romantic/sexual people to feel deep and intense emotion, love, attachment, and affection outside of romantic/sexual contexts is also a factor in the belief that all of that doesn't exist outside of said contexts. It's pretty common for human beings to irrationally conclude that if they personally don't experience something, then nobody does or that people who do are abnormal.

Interesting.......... They probably also take those extreme emotions as love and then promptly couple them with sexual desires... so they two are linked in their minds.

I almost wish I could confuse people's gaydars. Nobody has ever assumed I'm anything but heterosexual. :/

You might try cutting your hair. That's what started the accusations. :)

(Some people are just massive jerks. Haha... )

I think it's just that asexuality isn't as widely known, so if someone isn't interested in the opposite gender the automatic assumption is that they're gay. I've had this so often with my best friend, as both her family and mine thought we were girlfriends. Even people we'd only been around a short time would soon ask 'are you dating' or 'how long have you been together'. We usually find it quite amusing just because we're not. She's bi and I'm ace, though I know she did have a crush on me at one point. But we were just such good friends and had the same sense of humour and interests that people often thought we were together.

It's only in the last few years my family have stopped asking if I was a lesbian, or dropping hints like 'if you were gay, we'd accept it'. I think they've gotten the hint that I'm just not interested at all.

That's interesting. I've dinked around the "what am I" bush for years. Thought about being trans, lesbian... finally decided I just want to be an artist and that sex is way less exciting than a pretty sunset. My parents remain blissfully oblivious to the turmoil. Which is fine. :)

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deleted_account

Yeah, I get that too. Wear less flannel.

Just kidding.

I think if you don't show interest in the opposite sex, people assume you're either gay or playing hard-to-get. I think the media factors into this quite often with the "sarcastic smart girl falls for dumb main character" narrative. Women who don't fall all over men are kind of like... future conquests. Or they're lesbians. I blame chick flicks.

I think sometimes it might just be a way to test you, to see if you're gay or straight, because your response will allow them to know if they're going to get any action later. People never really think of a third (or forth) option.

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