Cynthia Meg Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 So, I have been falling in love with a guy. I desired to be affectionate with him, but apparently not as affectionate as he desired. At first, I started out enjoying our affection, feeling pleasure and like a participant. But after a certain point, that all just switched off. I went from subjective to objective in an instant. Suddenly, I felt like an alien come to Earth to take field notes on human behavior. I let my guy friend keep going, but not because I was interested in how I felt anymore. I was then merely curious as to what he was going to do, how he was going to do it, etc. Literally, I felt like a scientist observing his behavior. And the thing was, I didn't know how to reciprocate his affection. I am completely awkward at romance. Perhaps I had initiated some affection, but I guess you always get more than you expected, and in this case, I got more than I knew what to do with. It's not like we did much. Yeah, he kissed me for the first time, and yeah he rubbed his face on me, but we didn't do anything further than that. If anything, this experience confirmed to me my aceness. And I guess I felt that it wasn't right--it wasn't wrong, but I mean it wasn't right because we're clearly incompatible in our orientations. I don't want to break his heart. I love him, but I can't love him in the same way he loves me. That's okay, everyone feels and expresses love differently. But in this case, it happens to be a pretty significant difference. So I guess the affections I don't mind are things like hand-holding, hugging, etc. But I think I've figured out I don't like to be kissed, or for guys to rub their faces on me LOL. Have any of you ever felt something similar by feeling all into it one moment and then all of a sudden like a removed observer the next? And what should I tell my guy friend? Would it be insensitive of me to tell him exactly what I've just written?... I mean, he might not be fond of the fact that I felt more like an examiner than a participant. I dunno that he'd want to feel like a science project LOL. Have you ever experienced that what you pre-imagine in your mind sometimes fails to match reality? Well, that's what happened with me. I wanted to cuddle with him, and I wanted him to kiss me, but then when it actually happened, it was just weird. So now I'm trying to figure out... How do I talk to him about this? How do I press on to embrace my aceness? Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 Would it be insensitive of me to tell him exactly what I've just written? I think it'd be insensitive to keep it from him :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 You should tell him, but do it tactfully. Let him know it isn't his fault, but you did not enjoy kissing and you would rather that not be a part of the relationship, but the hugging etc you liked. Be honest. I probably wouldn't phrase it as you felt like a scientist, but maybe say going past your comfort zone made you feel disconnected rather than closer? Link to post Share on other sites
Cynthia Meg Posted August 30, 2014 Author Share Posted August 30, 2014 Yeah, and the last thing I want to do is be insensitive or tactless. And I feel bad for feeling the way I felt. I really want him to know and feel that he's loved and special and cared about, too. Maybe I should try to get used to it, the affection, I mean. I don't want to just give up. He's such a sweet person, and I really don't want to come across as stand-off-ish to him. Maybe I just need to try harder. Link to post Share on other sites
MaxAmoeba Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 Cut the emotional crap. Tell him. Simple. Link to post Share on other sites
Cynthia Meg Posted August 30, 2014 Author Share Posted August 30, 2014 Does that make me heartless for having felt that way? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 Yeah, and the last thing I want to do is be insensitive or tactless. And I feel bad for feeling the way I felt. I really want him to know and feel that he's loved and special and cared about, too. Maybe I should try to get used to it, the affection, I mean. I don't want to just give up. He's such a sweet person, and I really don't want to come across as stand-off-ish to him. Maybe I just need to try harder. No,no,no. Don't ever do something you're not comfortable with just to please someone else. That's a great way to start resenting someone and hurting yourself. You should tell him and be honest, cause I doubt he wants to make you uncomfortable anymore than you want to be uncomfortable. Just, phrasing and word choice is important, to avoid making the other person feel like it's their fault or that you're upset with them. You aren't wrong for feeling the way you felt, at all. You don't like it and you shouldn't have to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 Maybe I just need to try harder. Usually whenever I see people saying this, alarm klaxons start going off in my head. Why is that? Link to post Share on other sites
theMOONmonarch Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 Does that make me heartless for having felt that way? No. You seem very concerned about his feelings; that's far from heartless, though people may misunderstand you. I don't actually have any advice; I'm afraid the same thing is going to happen to me one day. I can fantasize about asexual affection, but I think I would panic if it happened in real life. Cut the emotional crap. Tell him. Simple. No, don't "cut the emotional crap." Link to post Share on other sites
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