Edge On The Net and Cosmo

[WhenSummersGone]

I'm not sure if there have been topics on these but I just found these two articles:

http://www.edgeonthenet.com/entertainment/culture/News/164594/what_it_means_to_be_asexual

What It Means to be Asexual
by Nicole Wiesenthal
South Florida Gay News
Sunday Aug 24, 2014

When Christine Preimesberger was asked to take photos of people she found attractive and then rate them, she realized she couldn't.[/size]
"I was like, I don't know how to do this. I don't see anything at all. I just put them in some arbitrary order," she said. "So that's when I realized fully that how I think was different from everyone else."
Exactly how different?Preimesberger identifies as asexual, meaning she doesn't feel sexually attracted to people.
It was during that class assignment that Preimesberger, 19, realized how different she was from the other students.
Preimesberger struggles daily because her sexuality is so largely unheard of and under-represented in the LGBT community.
Did you know that though all asexuals are uninterested in having sex, most are capable of feeling romantically attracted to others? People who identify as asexual can be romantically attracted to a spectrum of people, just like sexual people.
They can be panromantic (attracted to all people), heteromantic (attracted to genders not their own), homoromantic (attracted to their same gender) and biromantic (attracted to their gender and other genders).
Morgann Ramirez, a 22-year-old University of Southern California student, realized her romantic attraction after she began identifying as asexual.
"I found out that I didn't want to sleep with women, and I didn't have to sleep with men, so I'm romantically attracted to all genders, and I only realized this after I realized what asexuality was," Ramirez said.
And then there are demisexual people - meaning that sexual attraction only comes after they form a strong emotional connection with a person.
"I'd say most of my attraction is aesthetic," said demisexual 21-year-old Brent Stanfield. "It's a lot of appreciating how a person looks the same way you might think a piece of art looks. There's also romantic attractions, looking at someone and being like I'd like to take them on a date and really like to get to know them better, but nothing sexual or physical."
Asexual and demisexual people constantly face problems in a society that places so much emphasis on sexuality and sexual attraction. They combat stereotypes, assumptions and criticism.
"As a Latina, there's a racial stereotype of being very sexual," Ramirez said. "Because I'm not, I've gotten odd jokes and looks. Stereotypes don't define people. I definitely identify as asexual, and I'm totally Latina."
Preimesberger, who identifies as aromantic (meaning she does not feel romantically or sexually attracted to others), also has to deal with the preconceived cultural attitudes towards relationships.
"In pop culture, romantic relationships are the most important thing, or you should be in a relationship," Preimesberger said. "It's so prevalent, and it gets really annoying. I make friends pretty easily, and I'm very close with my friends and family. I get my attachments from that and feel like I don't need any romantic relationships"
Romantic asexuals and demisexuals also face judgment because of the unconventional way they express themselves within relationships.

"I am open to open relationships because I know if I'm with a sexual person they might not be getting something from me that they need," Ramirez said. "A polyamorous one for me would be nice. I would have two people to be comforted and loved from and they would be able to be sexual and happy by themselves."
The most important problem demisexual and asexual people face, though, is that of others not believing them about their sexuality.
Preimesberger recalls a time when she came out to a friend about her asexuality, and he outright dismissed her.
"He said that wasn't a thing," Preimesberger said. "I was also kind of scared when I thought my mom didn't believe me when I told her."
Stanfield, as a demisexual, said others often dismiss his sexuality as well.
"It's not really an identity that a lot of people think makes sense as its own identity," Stanfield said. "A lot of people I know will say that's just being regularly sexual. They don't think it makes sense as an identity or sexual category, especially in religious communities. For me, it's been very important because the narrative for demisexuality is very different from what society has told me that sexuality has to be like."
Asexuality and demisexuality do exist though and deserve to be recognized.
"It's important to realize it's all on a spectrum," Ramirez said. "A sexual person can be aromantic; an asexual person can be romantic. It's a lot of gradients that people can choose from."
But should the LGBT community include asexuals and demisexuals?
"I think I would really like to see more inclusion particularly because I think asexuality does have a very helpful framework and very helpful concepts around sexuality and attraction that would really help discussion within the LGBT community," Stanfield said.
Asexuals and demisexuals also hope to be more recognized within society in general.
"I don't want to have to worry about people telling me that's not a thing," Preimesberger said. "You can have comfortable relationships with people of different varieties."
Glossary of Asexual Terms
Terms from Anagnori, at anagnori.tumblr.com
List compiled by Nicole Wiesenthal

• Ace- short for asexual
• Ace of Hearts- a symbol or nickname for asexuals who experience romantic attraction
• Ace of Spades- a symbol or nickname for asexuals who are aromantic
• Acephobia- prejudice or discrimination against asexual-spectrum people
• Allosexual- a person who experiences sexual attraction to other people; a non-asexual person
• Amatonormativity- the social force that treats romantic relationships as intrinsically superior, more valuable, or more necessary than friendships and non=romantic relationships. A problem for everyone, but especially aromantic people.
• Anthony Bogaert- Currently the most prominent researcher of asexuality. Author of Understanding Asexuality.
• Antisexual- ideologically opposed to sex, or having negative views of other people's sexual lifestyles.
• Aromantic- a person who does not experience romantic attraction
• Asexual Flag- a flag of four horizontal stripes: black, gray, white and purple
• Asexual Triangle- a downward-pointing triangle that is mostly white, but shades into gray and then black at the bottom tip. Represents the asexual spectrum. Originated as an expansion of the Kinsey Scale.
• AVEN- Asexual Visibility and Education Network, asexuality.org. The most prominent website and forum dedicated to asexuality.
• Biromantic- Potential to feel romantic attraction to two or more genders.
• Compulsory Sexuality- The cultural force that expects all people to be either sexually available or in a sexual relationship, and which expects sex to be an important value or goal for people. Heterosexuality is especially valued. A major problem for asexual people.
• Demiromantic- a person who can only feel romantic attraction to someone they have established a close emotional connection with.
• Demisexual- a person who can only feel sexual attraction to someone they have established a close emotional connection with
• Gray-asexual- a person who is somewhere between 100% asexual and allosexual; they might only experience sexual attraction on very rare occasions, or feel sexual attraction but not desire sexual relationships, or experience a feeling somewhere in between platonic and sexual. Gray romantic is the same, but with regards to romantic attraction.
• Heteroromantic- romantically attracted to people of a different gender than one's own
• Heteronormativity- the cultural force that expects all people to be cisgender, heteroromantic and heterosexual. Major problem that affects all queer identities, including asexuals. Closely linked to homophobia, biphobia, transphobia and acephobia.
• Homoromantic- romantically attracted to people of the same gender as oneself
• Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD)- controversial medical disorder; used as evidence that asexuality is pathologized by the medical community
• Kinsey Scale- a model that categorized human sexuality as a spectrum between heterosexual and homosexual, with bisexuals in the middle. Asexual people were classified as "Group X" and not included on the scale.
• Libido- sex drive, which may or may not be targeted at a person. Asexual people may have libidos despite not feeling sexual attraction.
• Lithromantic- a person who feels romantic attraction but does not need their feelings to be reciprocated, or who does not like receiving romantic gestures.
• Lithsexual- a person who feels sexual attraction but does not need their feelings to be reciprocated, or who does not like receiving sexual intimacy.
• Nonamory- a lifestyle choice or relationship style that does not include intimate, long-term partnerships, whether romantic or platonic
• Nonlibidoist- an asexual person who does not feel any desire to masturbate, or who has no sex drive
• Panromantic- the potential to experience romantic attraction to someone of any gender
• Pansexual- the potential to experience sexual attraction to someone of any gender. Opposite of asexuality, but some asexual people go through a period of wondering if they are pansexual.
• Polyamory- intimate relationships that are not exclusive. Non-exclusivity may be romantic, sexual, neither, or both. May be a lifestyle choice or an intrinsic part of someone's sexuality, depending on the person.
• Pomosexual- 1) a person decision not to identify with conventional orientation labels, or the belief that such labels do not apply; and 2) the belief or philosophy that conventional orientation labels are not useful for people in general, and can, or should be, disregarded
• Romantic Orientation- the group of people or genders to which a person can become romantically attracted, if at all. This concept does not work for all asexual people
• Sensual Attraction- attraction that involves a desire to touch or be physically close to someone, but not necessarily in a sexual way
• Sexual Attraction- a feeling of attraction to someone's physical appearance with a sexual component, or desire to touch someone sexually. Difficult for some asexual people to define and recognize.

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/q-and-a/a30581/sex-talk-realness-asexuality/

AUG 29, 2014
Sex Talk Realness: Asexuality
"Even if I can tell someone is attractive, I don't want to do anything sexual with them."

According to the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN), an asexual person is someone who does not experience sexual attraction. "Unlike celibacy, which is a choice, asexuality is a sexual orientation," they explain. "Asexual people have the same emotional needs as everybody else and are just as capable of forming intimate relationships."

But like people of any sexual orientation, different asexual people experience asexuality differently. I spoke with two anonymous asexual women about labels, dating, and what it's like to be a twentysomething woman in a world that assumes that everyone wants sex.

So, you identify as asexual. What does that mean to you?
Woman A: To me, it means that someone doesn't feel sexual attraction toward other people. I don't think it means you can't tell when someone is attractive. Even if I can tell a man or woman is physically attractive and dresses nice, I don't fantasize about doing anything sexual with them. In all my relationships I've been OK with nonsexual intimacy but I've never wanted to go beyond that. I knew it was expected but it's not something I thought about most of the time.
Woman B: I've never experienced sexual attraction to anyone else, regardless of gender, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me — I'm not immature, or frigid, or broken. It's useful and comforting to have a term for the way I feel (or don't feel) about different types of relationships.

How old were you when you started using the label asexual to describe yourself? How old are you now?
Woman A: I was around 18 or 19 when a friend mentioned asexuality in an offhand way, but I didn't learn the actual definition and start identifying as asexual until I was 22. I'm 23 now.
Woman B: I was 14 or so when I first saw the term online and said, "That's me!" I'm 23 now, almost 24, so it's been about a decade. I became more confident about using the label when I was 17 — that's when I thought, "Yeah, this isn't going away." Or coming. Whichever.

What was it like growing up asexual in a world in which everyone is assumed to want sex?
Woman A: Among my friends, I was usually dismissed. If the topic of sex came up, they stopped me before I started talking because I'd told them about having no interest. But I didn't have many moments where I thought there was a problem with not caring about it.
Woman B: It was frustrating, like the whole world was in on some joke I wasn't. I often felt like I was foolish, immature, or even broken because I never hit any of these "milestones" I was told to expect. No crushes, no dates, and no interest. Full stop. My mom actually asked if I was gay a few times, but gender and sex didn't matter. I'd just shrug.

After learning about asexuality, I felt better knowing I wasn't alone, but that only goes so far. Face-to-face, once I got through explaining what asexuality was — because no one ever knew — I'd get any variety of confused, pitying, or skeptical looks. I was asked if I was sick,was I raped, was I gay, was I picky, was I lying to get out of a date? I even had a near stranger ask me if I'd had a brain scan and hormone test. You could like boys, girls, or any other gender, but to like no one made no sense.

Media was no real comfort here, as it was rare to see anyone who even might be asexual. Most characters weren't human (think robots, aliens, and monsters),and usually their real or perceived asexuality was something to be cured or overcome. It also wasn't something you saw associated with anyone coded as a woman, unless of course you needed someone to thaw her frigid heart. Or shank her for being a monster. The only positive, tenuous portrayal I really knew growing up was Sherlock Holmes, who is still often compared to a machine.

What is it like for you now, as an adult?
Woman A: It seems like if you aren't a sexual person you don't get recognized in books, movies, or television. But now I just move on to something else instead of giving time to things that don't acknowledge me.
Woman B: It's definitely better now, especially with the Internet and slow increase in awareness. I've met people who didn't need an "asexuality 101" talk or Q&A in the last few years, and that never happened growing up. I have the language and experience to understand everything a lot more, and to help others understand, too.

I'm still starving for representation though. I'd love to see myself in that way in media I consume, and for it to be positive, too. Asexuality is pretty invisible right now unless you're looking for it, and it would be so cool to name a character (or characters!) like me when explaining asexuality, and to one day not have to explain it at all. Even other MOGII [Marginalized Orientation, Gender Identity and Intersex] people tend to disparage, ignore, or forget about asexuality.

Any sexuality can be confusing, but because asexuality isn't well known, I sometimes worry I'll do something "wrong" and discredit the cause or something. It's pretty silly and doesn't make a lot of sense when I think about it, but I still tend to veer between wanting to be some kind of "model ace," or throwing my hands up in the air to say "I am what I am!" I've gotten better since high school and even college, but I still have some stuff to unpack mentally about that.

On the AVEN [Asexuality Visibility and Education Network] website, asexuality is defined as an absence of sexual attraction to other people – meaning that some asexual people experience a physical desire for sexual release, they just have no desire to act on it with another person. Do you ever feel that desire for sexual release, and if so, how does it differ from sexual attraction
Woman A: I don't feel it, but I do believe feeling the desire for sexual release is different to sexual attraction. I don't think someone having that desire means they want to make anyone else involved.
Woman B: For me, a desire for sexual release is no different from a desire to go boxing or eat a burger. It's a way to feel good, I like feeling good, and it really doesn't matter if anyone else is involved. In fact, the idea of being with another person is so strange, it totally kills the mood. I've heard you're supposed to think of your grandmother or something to stop feeling horny — for me, everyone is my grandmother. Not sexy. (No offense, grandma.)

Do you masturbate?
Woman A: No. I don't even like the idea of actually doing it.
Woman B: Sure do.

Have you ever had sex? If so, what was the experience like for you?
Woman A: Yes, with two different guys. It was incredibly boring and not something I planned on doing again after the first time. It's something I could do without.
Woman B: Never had sex, although I have made out before. I wasn't really into it and we didn't repeat the experience. Not sure it's really my thing. I'm not outright opposed to having sex, but I probably won't be the one to propose it.

Have you ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend? Do you desire a romantic relationship?
Woman A: I've had three boyfriends and one girlfriend.
Woman B: I've dated casually and even had a boyfriend before, and have always been upfront about my asexuality. I've never had any desire for a romantic relationship, and I don't want to lead anyone on. To me, a date or even multiple dates means I value your company — in the same way I value my relationships with my family and friends.

If so, do you prefer to date other asexual people? Or people of a certain sexual orientation (e.g. bisexual, homosexual, heterosexual?)
Woman A: I've never dated another asexual person, but I don't have a preference for orientation.
Woman B: As long we both understand what each other wants from a date or relationship, I'm comfortable going out with people of any orientation or gender. It's usually a little harder to explain things to heterosexual guys, especially if they are cisgender, so I'm a little more wary about dating them compared to others though.

If you have dated a sexual person, did you feel any pressure to have sex? How did you deal with it?
Woman A: I have a fiancé and we've been together for three years. Before I started identifying as asexual it was difficult to explain that my lack of interest in sex was not a disinterest in him, so we have had sex because of that. We still do, just not very often. Two or three times a month at most, and sometimes not at all. We have talked about sex not being a part of our relationship in the future, and he's a little more open to the idea.
Woman B: I definitely felt pressure to pursue a more physical relationship when I was dating my boyfriend, but it wasn't really anything he did himself. It was more a cultural thing. On paper, we were perfect for each other and we got along fantastically, but after every date, I'd ask myself, "Why don't I feel different about him? It's supposed to be different now, right? Aren't I supposed to want to do more?" He's the one I made out with, hoping for some kind of romantic epiphany, but all that did was make me feel broken and miserable. I simply couldn't reciprocate his feelings, romantically or physically. It felt like I'd failed, at what I didn't even really know, and that's still the only time I was ashamed of my sexuality. He was great about it all, though, and our breakup a few weeks later was very amicable.

What are the biggest misconceptions about asexual people, in your opinion?
Woman A: I think one of the biggest misconceptions is that because our orientation is a minority, we don't know ourselves well enough to identify this way. Another is that it's a childish thing; that we're not adults until we feel sexual attraction like everyone else.
Woman B: I've heard a lot that asexual people are cold, or boring, or just missing out in life. It's absurd and can even hurt sometimes. I'm a warm person! I love a lot — just not in all the ways other people do. There are many types of relationships you can form with people, so if someone thinks a person is boring because they aren't interested in a few of them, that seems narrow-minded. The same with comments about "missing out." There's so much to do in the world — and again, so many types of relationships — and I've never felt I was missing anything except for some kind of mass secret to sexual attraction.

I remember an episode of House where the "good doctor" showed an asexual couple was really just a sick man who needed to be treated/cured, and a woman who was lying about her sexuality to avoid conflict. Stuff like this actually really does hurt. Something being rare or uncommon doesn't make it any less real, and because it is real, it affects real people. You can't cure your sexual orientation.

Is there anything that confuses you about sexual people? (If so, what?)
Woman A: Until recently I didn't really understand the concept of a "turn-on." I thought it meant something you would like in someone else. And even now it's really just a theory to me.
Woman B: Nothing really comes to mind, although I don't get why allosexual people [a term asexual people use to describe those who experience sexual attraction] feel so entitled to ask invasive, inappropriate questions even if they barely know you. I think most MOGII people get some kind of questioning, but even they will grill you or ask for "proof" you're really asexual. It's weird.

If a person is wondering if they might be asexual, what advice would you have for them?
Woman A: My advice is to do as much research as needed to help you feel sure of it. No one else is inside your head, so no one else can decide your orientation. And don't worry if one day you might feel sexual attraction. It doesn't invalidate your asexuality if your orientation changes.
Woman B: Try it on for size. You can always find another label that fits you better — whether short- or long-term. Sexuality is a tangle for everyone, and you're not alone.

Is there anything else you'd like Cosmo readers to know about asexuality?
Woman A: People who identify as asexual can want a relationship or only desire platonic friendships. Both are perfectly OK. Neither should be used a measurement of what makes a true asexual.
Woman B: It's a real orientation, not something to be cured or overcome. It isn't something to be pitied or interrogated, and it has its own set of challenges you might not understand. Be respectful, same as you would with anyone else. Do a little reading, don't make assumptions about people based on their sexuality, and just know we have probably already heard every amoeba joke you can think of.

Edited February 7, 2015 by ithaca
added spoilered content

[Guest]

Really great articles! I didn't suppose Cosmo can publish sth like this as they are rather focused on suggesting hot sex tricks :). Hope there will be more articles like these.

[Sage Raven Domino]

There's one more article in the aromantic / asexual spirit on Cosmo's hot list: Stop Telling Single People They Need to Date[/size]

AUG 29, 2014

Stop Telling Single People They Need to Date

No, they're not interested in your coworker's boring-as-f*ck son.

There are a few times conversational cues trigger involuntary apologies from everyone in the vicinity: the death of a family member, the news of a serious disease, and, for some reason, being single. Why are you apologizing? It's neither your fault that they're single, nor is it even a problem. "Single" is not synonymous with "depressed" or "lonely" or "celibate." But the worst thing you can do if someone says they're single? Tell them they should be dating more.

Actively dating is not a requirement of being single. It's a chore. Yeah, meeting new people can be fun, but it can also be stressful or boring. Prepping for a date means hours of getting ready anxiety beforehand, and honestly you'd probably have more fun going out with your friends. Not everyone wants to roll the dice with a new date every night, and that's chill.

To be clear, going through a breakup and being single are not the same thing. Breakups are rough, and people are allowed to mope about despondently after going through a horrible split. You can hug these people, and bring them ice cream. But single people — people who have not been in a relationship for some time — probably aren't spending their nights curled around a carton of Rocky Road, crying while hitting play on Dirty Dancing for the third time in a row. There's no government-funded organization polling people on the length of time they've been single and handing out a sweatpants, cats, and Netflix accounts to qualifying spinsters. No one is going to board up their windows and say goodbyeto this cruel, cruel world just because they haven't had a boyfriend for a year. Well, they might, but they can do whatever they want. They can focus on working out, or learning an instrument, or watching TV. That's the great thing about not dating: you answer to no one.

And another reason not to pity single-not-dating people: they aren't alone. They spend more time with their friends, and having close friends is often a better support system than having a romantic partner. Frantically dating makes people spend less time fostering the close relationships they have, and couples often drift away from friends and family as the relationship gets more intense. Maybe, just maybe, the single person you're talking to loves their friends and family, hates dating, and is getting plenty of ass from casual hookups, thank you very much.

Coupled people and serial daters act like not dating means you've given up. Like it means you're in a bad place. You know what's worse than singledom? Being in a relationship that doesn't work for you. To quote the late Robin Williams in World's Greatest Dad, "I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone." Not everyone wants to dump time and energy into Tinder meet ups just so they can guarantee they'll have a plus one to a wedding. Not everyone wants to meet someone and "see where things go."

So the next time you're about to grab someone and give them a big hug when they casually mention that they're not seeing anyone, pause for a moment. Look at their face. Are they crying? Are tears streaming down their face while they blubber uncontrollably? Do they look like they haven't showered in days? If not, they're probably pretty happy spending their evenings with friends instead of pretending to be interested in your coworker's good-on-paper-but-boring-as-fuck son. Leave them alone.

Edited February 7, 2015 by ithaca

[Philip027]

When Christine Preimesberger was asked to take photos of people she found attractive and then rate them, she realized she couldn't.

"I was like, I don't know how to do this. I don't see anything at all. I just put them in some arbitrary order," she said. "So that's when I realized fully that how I think was different from everyone else."

That is totally me. I've always struggled with this sort of thing before too. They all just look the same to me. :<

[Frigid Pink]

Great articles!

Thanks for sharing them!

[kimbo21]

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/q-and-a/a30581/sex-talk-realness-asexuality/

[Xavy]

I saw this before, not sure if it was on AVEN though. Thanks for posting.

[kimbo21]

No problem :)

[Wayfarer]

I hadn't seen this before, thanks for sharing :)

[Jcraft6]

Wow this is actually pretty cool coming from Cosmo! With their usual sex tips and all haha