Poly Relationships and Grey-Ace/Demi?

[move-the-stars-for-no-one]

I wanted to talk about some personal stuff with the relationships I've been in and the one I'm in now. This is gonna get a little TMI, but not crazy much.

I'll start with the past relationship and why I got super confused identity wise. I mean it didn't help that I'm polyamorous, but I was slowly attempting to see how two of my friends would have felt with a poly relationship. With my female friend, who I'll call L, we had already talked that I was ok with an open relationship since I was in school and she was balancing her own classes and work. Yet, the guy, who I'll simply name M, was a different story. He was always pushing me to define what I wanted in a relationship yet every time I asked him what he wanted he would give me some bullshit about wanting what I wanted even when I hadn't told him. So, while all of this is going on I had always been bad with making a move. I wasn't comfortable doing anything like making out or petting or any of that stuff. I was happy with my cuddles. But I trusted L and M. I was super close and I felt ready to kind of start going to the next level (not sex, but you know get at least to second base or something). Except life doesn't always work out nice ya know.

So I'm hanging out with both L and M to watch some movies or tv and my plan was cuddles and maybe some little kisses cause I found that i really like the intimacy of little kisses. But L and M are both really sexual people so my plan of a relaxing day went out the window when the both of them initiated a full make out session. When I tried to slow things down it didn't really work. But what made it worse wasn't the fact that neither of them could see my reluctance it was that things kept getting heated between the two of them that they completely forgot I was there. I even left the couch as things got hotter and just sat there for an hour before they even noticed a. I wasn't there and b. all my clothes were on. When they finally noticed I offered to leave the room and they took my offer. I sat in L's room (we were at her house) for another hour to an hour and a half while they did what ever they did. After they finished whatever I stayed for a little bit before I walked home.

Ok so if you've gotten through all of that here's a piece of cake since that was just a lot of writing. Really this was the moment that I though back on being grey ace. I can't call myself asexual because I was at a trusting point that I was feeling capable of doing more and more with certain partners. So, after breaking off my relationship with L I was able to confirm for myself that I was probably biromantic grey ace (still polyamorous too). Yet, the story doesn't end here because while all of this was happening I made new friends with this wonderful couple who I'm gonna call A and Z (yes I'm using their initials because it makes it easier for me to keep track of).

So I met A in a women's studies class this past year and we became quick friends because the class was truly horrible. She is older than me by 9-10 years, but she needed this last class to get her degree and work toward finishing up another thing for acupuncture. And as the class went on we got closer and closer. Probably two months into the class and us hanging out she messaged me on tumblr (she tried to do it anonymously, but messed up on one message so I knew it was her) telling me she had feelings for me and that she wanted to tell me, but please don't be freaked out since she's older than me and married. I didn't care because she had told me she was poly before this and I knew she wouldn't do anything if Z was ok with it. However, all the things with L and M were happening at this point so I told her I'm actually really giddy that you told me these things, but I want to work out these relationships before anything. She was completely ok with this and totally understood. So we continued to hang out even when the class was over and I went to there wedding and everything was great :D

Now comes the even crazier part XD

The summer has been pretty long after I broke with my college friends (not A and Z) because they were biphobic as fuck and also didn't understand my need for my own time to called my trich and anxiety. I was kind of in a lump and basically just stayed home watching the kids and on my laptop. Thankfully I was talking to both A and Z at this time and it was during the summer that I realized how much I trusted the two of them and was slowly developing deeper feelings for the both of them, but considering I was younger than them and their marriage I believed I stood no chance. The best part was that I was totally wrong on Z's part :D I was staying over there place another weekend and usually I sleep on the couch, but A was like dude you can totally crash with us and Z was going with it and being all cool and yeah bra you can totally chill with us tonight (in a totally non sexual manner). But Z and I couldn't sleep from staying up so when A had passed out the both of us went back to the living room to chill for a bit which ended up lasting till like 5 in the morning before we went back to bed. A woke up before and left to be a productive human being, but left Z and I to cuddle. The cuddles continued, but as I got more and more comfortable in his arms feeling warm and safe he kissed me. And I fucking kissed back because holy shit gorgeous human being actually likes me romantically is this happening! So somehow we ended up making out in the bed and everything felt great. Once A came back to the room we told her hey we made out and she was definitely cool :D (they are both poly even A is working on a relationship with another man currently and with Z's ok).

So here comes the TMI point again because now that Z and I have both agreed to see where this relationship will go with time and work and all that shit I've noticed that things have changed for me. I know i definitely have feelings for the both of them and that they are strong enough that I'm already ok with the idea of sex with either of them (though I am only in a relationship with Z). Considering I've only known them for less than a year I'm super surprised with just how trusting I am of my body with them considering I knew L for 7ish years and M for 3ish years, but I wasn't trusting of them to the level I am with A and Z.

So idk what is going on? I mean I don't know if maybe my sexuality is more demisexual considering how I feel with A and Z instead of just grey-ace because my libido is no longer hiding away. I am definitely attracted to the two sexually where for most other it's more of a you are aesthetically appealing. Really any reply back would be great :redface:

P.S. here's another piece of cake if you actually read through all of that because holy shit is it long

[lycanrising]

Well, that was fascinating. Thank you for sharing.

From what I read I'm understanding your question is on the lines of 'how should I identify'. But feel free to correct me if I've completely missed the train.

There's certainly something interesting in that you're so comfortable with a and z even though you've known them much less than l and m. I wonder if demi and grey are overlapping in respects so that it's a combination of your emotional bond is causing sexual feelings and/or you being comfortable enough to feel them.

I suppose an opportune question to ask, and answering is voluntary, is why you think you're much more comfortable with a and z as opposed to l and m. One thought in my mind is whether a and z having years on you gives them an element of maturity and security that maybe l and m lack because of their age.

[move-the-stars-for-no-one]

No by the gods thank you for even responding :D and actually thank you for reading that because I did not realize how much i wrote.

Anyway I'm completely ok with attempting to answer your question and see if I can magic up an answer because I don't think I've thought this through before.

I would agree that because A and Z are older allows for an extra element of maturity and security, but it's not intimidating. Rather it makes me feel a lot safer. Where as with L and M I was older than both. It wasn't much, with L i was only a couple of months older and with M I was about 1-2 years older. Yet I would have bring up the fact that both of them were very sexual in their actions beyond me. Both had had sex numerous times with different partners (not saying that A and Z haven't) but I felt intimidated by that knowledge rather than secure in knowing they knew what the hell they were doing. I mean I won't lie. I am a virgin and super inexperienced when it comes to the more sexual side of things. So I would wrap this answer up by saying I was comfortable with L and M, but it never truly reached a point to feel sexually attracted plus a level of comfort needed to when I had there attention where as with A and Z I feel safe and comfortable with them (even though I am not in a romantic relationship with A) that I definitely feel a sexual attraction to the both of them plus the comfort level to actually achieve it.

Ok so I basically wrote out my entire thought process between the difference of L & M compared to A & Z.

Oh and yeah you were not off track with the vague message I kind of left out!

[Philip027]

It sounds to me like you just have a good comfortable thing going here, and it's an honest arrangement without anyone hiding anything, so to me it only makes sense that you feel more at home with it.

[move-the-stars-for-no-one]

It sounds to me like you just have a good comfortable thing going here, and it's an honest arrangement without anyone hiding anything, so to me it only makes sense that you feel more at home with it.

Thank you :) I can only see what the future brings at this point.

[lycanrising]

No worries about the reading.

On a completely irrelevant and esoteric side note, I'm also a virgin and inexperienced in anything and to be honest the thought of doing anything scares me because I'm afraid I'd mess up and that would be the end of anything. </tangent>

Okay, that's interesting and how I'd imagined it. I can certainly grasp how age lends to security and comfort. Though my follow up question is that you seem to draw a distinction between sexual feelings and comfort, something I had assumed went together. We're there other reasons for why you feel sexually attracted to a&z but not l&m?

[move-the-stars-for-no-one]

No worries about the reading.

On a completely irrelevant and esoteric side note, I'm also a virgin and inexperienced in anything and to be honest the thought of doing anything scares me because I'm afraid I'd mess up and that would be the end of anything. </tangent>

Okay, that's interesting and how I'd imagined it. I can certainly grasp how age lends to security and comfort. Though my follow up question is that you seem to draw a distinction between sexual feelings and comfort, something I had assumed went together. We're there other reasons for why you feel sexually attracted to a&z but not l&m?

I am still completely terrified about the idea that I'll mess up some way, but like with Z we agreed to take things slow and everything. So, that's something I'm working on with myself for the future. Not something the two of us are even talking about right now!

To your new question :) I do find a difference between my sexual feelings and my level of comfort. There was definitely a time where L and M were the people I felt the most comfortable around. For pete's sake I addressed them over messaging as Regina (Queen) for L and Dearheart for M. These were the people I felt soo much for romantically. But when things took a sexual turn my comfort disappeared. Both of them no longer seemed interested in continuing the relationships we had while slowly develop a sexual one. It felt like they wanted me to jump right on in even though I had told the both of them I not only want but need to take things slow. And this was all before I was even thinking in terms of grey ace or demi.

Z knows I want to take things slow, has agreed to take things slow, and also wants to take things slow. Yeah its a little bit more delicate because this is a poly relationship, but even in the limited time it's been going on I've seen his ability to do that. I don't feel that push I got from L and M. He's super concerned on both of us feeling safe. And we've talked about it multiple times.

A is a whole other situation because there is no romantic relationship happening between the two of us, but I've been able to connect with her emotionally on a lot of levels and have these chats that allow the both of us to reveal more about ourselves. I mean she was the person I went to when my relationship with L and M went down the pipe. It's because I've developed this relationship with her that I feel this sexual attraction to her. I don't know what would happen if we entered into any type of relationship, but with how things are going with Z I don't feel too worried if we ever did.

[lycanrising]

Okay, I'm understanding a bit more. I've never spoken to anyone who identifies as poly so all this is fascinating.

[move-the-stars-for-no-one]

I've got to brace myself when I'm filling out sexuality. I kind of stop the other person and be like 'this is gonna take some room but here I go.'

Sexuality - Biromantic polyamorous grey asexual.

Look at it. 4 words. 32 characters not including spaces. And this whole thing has either added demi to the grey or switched the grey out for demi. Decisions.

[lycanrising]

Well, my opinion is that how important this is depends on what you see the purpose of labels as. My opinion is that labels are for us to understand ourselves better. They give descriptions we can look at and go 'yeah, i can see that in myself'. As a secondary purpose they let others know generally how we feel in short terms.

So if you're fairly comfortable with how you feel, it's not hugely important to make a solid call.

But if it bothers you then thought is worth putting in. Hmmm... How about this: could you imagine becoming sexually attracted to any other person if you got to know them really exceptionally well? Would it take both getting to know them and feeling secure? Would feeling secure around a person make you more likely to feel sexually attracted to them, irrespective of how well you know them?

[move-the-stars-for-no-one]

We are going in deep Lycanrising. Not that that is a problem, but prepare your scuba gear. But yeah I'm with you on labels. It is meant for me to understand myself better, but sometimes the labels only work so far. It's just that this new relationship has had me thinking a lot which is why i rambled on here. To get these really awesome questions that help me think and process things through.

I'm gonna just copy and past your questions to I can go through them in a way that is more organized than me trying to just ramble write again.

1. Could you imagine becoming sexually attracted to any other person if you got to know them really exceptionally well?

2. Would it take both getting to know them and feeling secure?

3. Would feeling secure around a person make you more likely to feel sexually attracted to them, irrespective of how well you know them?

Ok so looking back on your 3 questions I'm going with the last two. For just plain old romantic feelings it takes just getting to know them on a deep and personal level. I get squishes easy yes, but I work hard to develop the relationship to a special point with each person. But to feel sexual attraction to them only comes with that added security. I did feel that with L and M for some time as I've said before. But it's gone now.

It's thinking about the third question that brings me to a tizzy. Because yeah there have been a couple people that I've gotten to know, not super well to develop romantic feelings, but I feel secure enough that I've gained the beginnings of some sort of sexual attraction. I think if I kept getting to know those people and we learned more about each other that I felt more secure would raise my ability to feel a sexual attraction to them...

Again having those sexual feelings guarantee anything other than I have them nor is it every person I met. Give me 8 seasons, a catchy theme song and a legendary catchphrase first but that's how I would express my feelings/desires.

[Philip027]

Look at it. 4 words. 32 characters not including spaces. And this whole thing has either added demi to the grey or switched the grey out for demi. Decisions.

Demi is a specific subset of grey, so saying both is at least somewhat redundant :p

e.g. I'm demiromantic, at least to the best of my knowledge... so that automatically makes me a greyromantic

[lycanrising]

I do enjoy that metaphor, that gets my imagination working enjoyably.

Interesting. I am a little confused on the last paragraph with 'Again having those sexual feelings guarantee anything other than I have them nor is it every person I met'.

Nonetheless, I understand the overall message. It sounds like you have a decent understanding actually. My thoughts on this is that question 1 represents demisexuality, question 3 represents grey-asexuality and 2 the balance of them, though in my mind leaning to grey-asexuality. I say it leans because I associate demi with emotional bonds whilst grey covers sexual attraction under specific conditions, so whilst 2 is a mix of both, it means in my mind to grey. What do you think of that?

Edit:what philip said, demi can be seen as a subset of grey. That might be of use.

[move-the-stars-for-no-one]

Shoot I chopped words in that sentence. I was trying to say that even if I actually feel the sexual attraction I don't actually need to act on them. It's just that I know have them. And then the other part is that I don't feel sexual attraction to every person who I feel comfortable with combined with knowing well really well.

So I think I'm going to stick with just saying I'm grey ace. I do feel like I'm more of a mix of demiromantic with grey asexual as my sexual leaning? Like as I create those emotional bonds with the other person I become more comfortable around them. Then I'm secure enough in my romantic feelings to have sexual feelings... if that makes sense.

But as I started that last paragraph after talking all of this out I'm totally happy with sticking to grey ace and a lot more confident in adding polyamorous to my profile.

[lycanrising]

Ah, okay. Got it. And yup, that makes sense. And I'm happy to have helped come to some form of conclusion. :D