End of Relationship, lost.

[ashley286]

So I am an asexual aromantic. Or believed myself to be, for about 3 years. No romantic feelings, no stirrings, nothing.

And then I made a friend who I cared about a lot, and he initiated a more-than-friends dynamic to our relationship, which turned into this crazy monster that I can't even begin to explain without sounding, well, crazy. Main points: it was mostly long distance, he wanted to become very serious (a decision he ultimately made me agree to) right before we had to go long distance, and then it ended, or didn't really end but really isn't in existence anymore, right before we wouldn't be long distance anymore. This part in particular upsets me, because of why he wanted to end the relationship and blah blah, but that's not relevant to what I want advice with.

I learned from this relationship that I have a significant part of me that is gray and demisexual, so yay for self-discovery. But I never get involved with people, and people rarely even want to get involved with me, so this gray area at the moment only applies to that one guy. Basically, I think this guy is a douche, but I still can't help but think of how sweet he used to be and the heartstrings are still noticably attached.

I want those to go away, and I know the best thing for that is agonizing, agonizing time. But the thing is, I am still thinking more like a sexual person, and I feel that it isn't reflective of who I really am or should be. I want to go back to how I was before he messed with it all, and I'm afraid that I won't be able to and I will become one of those people who always feels they need "their other half", or "the one", that I will never be quite as happy being single again. I want this part of me out.

So...has anyone been in a situation similar to mine, who can offer advice or a map for what I might go through? I just feel out of touch with reality, like some crazy other person has been driving my body for the last few months, and that it wasn't bothering me at all until, surprise surprise, I was lied to and disappointed by someone.

I feel so mentally unstable.

[IcyColdSunshine]

I'm demi/lithromantic. I know, only because I met someone just like you did. He WAS the one. If there ever was one. I know it, I'll always know it. He's the one I compare everyone else to. He's the reason no one else will ever be good enough. And unlike your situation, I ended things (lith at its finest). And it's always in the back of my mind, the regret of losing this seemingly perfect human being. But it's been almost a decade and I've just had to come to terms with the fact that it's not going to happen. I have to move on, as impossible as it may seem. And you'll move on. Sometimes, because you just have to. But, really I'm better off, I think, and so is he. We're both happy, apart from each other. There's no dwelling in the past, no deep-seeded hatred. We just eventually went our separate ways.

Don't know if this helps, but I hope so. Think of happy shiny wonderful things!!

[lycanrising]

Life is a collection of experiences and we can't rewind. So on the one hand, you can't reverse what has already happened. The more you try to, such as trying to seek for how you felt before this guy, the more you'll be frustrated because it's not going to happen.

The flip side of this is that you're now a different and more educated person. Use what you've learned from this in the future.

Everyone copes differently. Take time, take stock, talk to people. No need to deal with it on your own if you have others that can help you through it. But once time goes on, you'll come to terms with how you are now in your own way.

[argar]

I'm a gray asexual heteroromantic, so in my case I've gotten used to being alone. Don't get me wrong, I'm used to being alone, but I get so lonely sometimes. It's gotten so bad that sometimes I associate with women I know are no good for me just to keep the loneliness at bay for a time. Lately I just walk away before anything can happen.

The few times I've tried to get close to someone it has in most cases been a disaster. I am so used to feeling the pain of rejection, that I think that is so sad at times.

I've heard some really great stories of people on the site that have been able to make a relationship work that it gives me hope. I hope you also run into some of those stories, and great people as well. All I can tell you is I've been there and it sucks, but at least you are not alone feeling those same painful feelings. I know how it feel to have to get used to the cold of the shadows, when you have experience the warmth of someone's attention.

I hope your days and nights start to improve, I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time right now.

[NatureSoo]

Getting used to the cold shadows after experiencing the warmth someone's attention...

That really caught my attention. Know the feeling all too well, going through it.

I, too, thought I had found the perfect relationship and it was not sexual either.

How people take caring so lightly, I never understood.

I am now with another asexual partner, but, the warmth isn't there.

Cold and harsh. Still miss the warmth I felt from the first one.

This is a hard part of life. Life is too short to waste in pain. Don't know what to say

but one day at a time.

[ashley286]

Fair warning...mostly just random venting until the last paragraph.

Thank you for your responses, they do help. The more I think about it, the more I realize I had nothing to do with what happened, and there was nothing I could have done to change it. This guy has so many things all in his head, like plans, and he never revealed it all to me but what he did seemed very serious and devoted and so I was trying to reach where I thought he was, and as soon as I got somewhere near where his depth of feeling was...he was feeling suffocated. So it just sucks. The feelings are there but we never really got to have a physical (not like body but just, in person) relationship, so it's just taking its toll.

We had plans to have sex labor day weekend, and instead I'm in bed alone trying to separate my memories of when we did see each other regularly and everything was perfect, to reality which is that I don't know what's going to happen in my future. He didn't even break up with me. He just "had space" for a week and three days, then said he wanted to take a step back and be friends, and I haven't heard from him since then. It was last Sunday, so like 5 days ago. That doesn't seem so much like friends to me, as much as people who no longer have anything to do with each other. So I feel that it's unfair, like he either expects me to wait for him to suddenly decide I'm the best thing that's happened to him and he's ready for a relationship, or he takes so much space that we are strangers and he can find his new conquest.

I was always afraid I would just be a conquest, like someone's story "I can even make asexuals want to be with me." Just very confused. Wish I had a crystal ball to tell me my future. I want to sever the aforementioned heartstrings but I'm concerned about the coldness mentioned above. I just wanted to be friends with him...i never wanted the seriousness, or the physical stuff, he pushed it all onto me and then told me I was pushing too close. So I just don't understand.

[lycanrising]

I'm sorry... But as you said, there seems to have been nothing you could do about the situation. It sounds like you were drawn in and then left cold turkey leaving you here.

My opinion, go out and do something fun. Yeah, it won't be as fun as normal but do something you enjoy. Go with a friend somewhere cool. Go enjoy yourself. Try and find a way to forget about it all briefly.

When life dumps you somewhere cold, smile and look around for something fun to do. Just because it's cold doesn't mean you can't make the best of everything.

[AWhiteGyrfalcon]

I totally relate..im lith grey a demiromantic...ive had a demi relationship. I so want it again....its lonelthy, cold and empty feelng. I get so mad cos pre my ex i was content to be an independent single asexual woman for the most part. Im struggling to deal with my heart break..8 months down..

I dont hav any new advice..but second everyone elses advice and to say i know how ur feeling. Its tough..we will get thru it and we will move on..