What even AM I!?! ahhhhhhhh help! :D

[Daveybuddy]

Hi everyone who is kindly taking the time to actually read my post! I thank you very much for that.

So, I know only I can know my sexual orientation 100%, but lets pretend you were inside my brain and could help out a wee bit. Seriously, feel free to guess a label for me it will only help honestly.

I am trying to pinpoint my sexual orientation. I've been trying to for a while now... I just need help. I really can't do this by myself.

Before you read my thoughts, I want to mention I have ocd and obsess over things like I am now. I want to mention that I often have ocd spikes/intrusive thoughts where there is a thought that is not true but i believe it to be very real and i spend months trying to prove to myself that this intrusive thought is indeed fake even though it feels so real. In this case, I'm debating whether or not me thinking I'm aromanic/and or asexual is one of those intrusive thought spikes because it sure as heck feels like one. Then again, ocd makes it hard to tell if anything in your head is real or not. That's why I said, seriously label my sexual orientation based off my thoughts if you want and I will take it from there. (even though I know that's not how figuring out your sexual identity works and only I can really know for sure)

One last thing before I start, I don't want to be asexual or aromantic. I want to know what romantic attraction is and what sexual attraction is. I thought I knew what it was but now I'm on this philosophical tangent and my mind is going nuts. If I turned out to be bi or lesbian, that would just be amazing. That's what I want to be for some reason. I don't know why.

Here is what goes through my mind as I type.

Am I lesbian? I think I fell in love with my best friend... a very deep deep emotional love. I desired to exclusively be with her. I wanted to move in with her. Whenever we would go out for lunch I would pretend it was a date.. and get this feeling I can't describe... nope not butterflies. Just, comfort, and pride. Some drama happened and we have grew further apart. She is for sure straight. It would never work and I have never expressed my previous feelings for her. We are still good friends now. The thought of having a lesbian wedding and spending my life with an amazing girl I love dearly makes me warm and fuzzy inside. Not that this has anything to do with anything, but I ALWAYS cry watching lesbian wedding proposals and not heterosexual proposals on youtube... as if I'm more connected to lesbian proposals somehow. I just can kind of indirectly feel the love and beauty.

Am I straight? Ok, I've experienced intense butterflies with one guy as I "crushed" on him for a year. When we went on a date I had butterflies through the roof. I desired to be with him exclusively, but those butterflies made me so scared I couldn't even kiss him. I was a nervous wreck and very emotional. This person moved away and we quit communication. I don't really think about this person much anymore.

Am I bi? Ok, so I've experienced this feelings for a guy and fell in love with my friend. I've also experienced "butterflies" and a want for an exclusive partnership with a guy I met online... although we have quit talking. I have (sorry to be vulgar) somewhat 'horny' for a particular girl.

Am I aromantic? I have a hard time defining romantic attraction and/or telling whether I feel it or not. I always question myself, is what I felt in the past... were those just squishes and not crushes? What even is romantic attraction? What differs romantic attraction from wanted to be deeply connected and exclusive friends with someone? Did I fall in love with my friend or do I just love her, then again what is the difference between falling in love and loving someone?

Am I asexual? Once again, how do I differ just simply being aroused from sexual attraction? Do I want to have sex with someone just because it feels good and/or I want to "be at one" or create "physical union" with them... or am I just asexual? I do want to have sex at one point in my life.

Am I romantic? I wanted to exclusively be with my friend that I fell in love with. Those butterflies and feelings for that one guy I crushed on for a year... oh my, I can't even explain... I wanted our date to never end. (then again, back to questioning being aromantic, did I just see this as a deep friendship...???) i want a life long partner to fall in love with. I literally live for love of all kinds. Yes, I know platonic realtionships exists, but there comes a certain point for me where I don't know how to defer platonic and romantic realtionships. It's just a deep emotional connection with a really good friend for both as I see it... you can fall in love with both... the only difference I see is in a romantic relationship one may add sensual attraction/sensual touch, sex, and maybe some "stereotypical dating things" like going on dates... but it's like friends can go out for valentines, like what the heck is the difference?

I seriously am so confused and I hope anybody else who has been in my shoes or is in my shoes can relate. I know this shouldn't be hard and only time can tell... and only I can tell. But you have literally just been inside my brain by reading these thoughts. This is exactally what runs through my mind everyday. So, give it a shot! Label me or give me advice. At this point, nothing could hurt... but only help.

And lastly, I know I sound crazy and obsessive... but hey I admit I have ocd and I am confused. But, I am being totally honest and transparent and I hope anybody who answers this thread would be too! :)

[Guest]

HI First of all do not worry about the labels... They will come in time.

[wrendering]

Hi! Don't worry, I know exactly what you're feeling. I have the hardest time trying to figure out the difference between deep friendship and romantic relationship. It sounds to me like you might be romantic? But I'm not sure. I think the whole wanting to be exclusive thing and wanting to be on a date generally means you're romantic... But definitely don't only go off of my word because I'm still trying to figure this stuff out too. I think that you could be bi because it seems like you have the same feelings for guys as you do girls, and for me and a lot of others that are only attracted to one gender (if I'm romantically attracted to any, because what is romance AH), there is kind of a pretty distinct difference between one gender and another and the feelings we get with each. As for your sexuality, I can't really tell from what you've written (of course I can't really tell at all because it's you, and only you know, but you know what I mean). The way I see sexual attraction, though I've never felt it, is a feeling of "I wish I could have sex with them". So, I don't know if you've ever felt that way for any of the people you liked in the past, but that's where I would start. For anyone who knows more than I do, sorry if I'm misinformed and am misinforming others ^_^ Hope I could be of some use, though, and I hope that made a little sense? Anyway, good luck!

(Oh, and if you ever figure out the secret of the difference between romantic feelings and deep friendship, let me know cause it bugs me to no end!)

[Daveybuddy]

@_Person_from_cali_32 Very true, time will always tell. Sometimes I just get caught up in the "now now now, I have to have this now," mindset.

@ljcrafty Yes I do want an exclusive partner that I can go on dates with ect... but to me, it's like... Can't friends do that too? How do I defer friendship vs. romance. It's such a hard thing. I feel like figuring out if you're asexual (in my case) will be easier since it's more of a physical thing where as romance is completely emotional.

If I ever find out the secret difference between friendship and romance, I'll tell ya!! I promise lol. I really hope I get that answer soon!!!

[CNGB]

Honestly? This doesn't sound crazy at all. Though I think if I had OCD and these spikes like you it'd drive me straight up a wall.

First and foremost, I really doubt you're aromantic. Period. If this wasn't a forum and it wasn't against the rules to label someone and I was talking to you in real life, I'd tell you that you're definitely not--but I can't do that here, and I really hope that saying all this in this format won't get me in trouble with a mod. ^_^

Now, the difference between sexual attraction and sexual libido, let's see. . . . Okay. Clear your mind as best you can, and when you've done the best you can just stop. Now, if you had sex would you enjoy it? (If the answer is "Yes," then I think there's a chance you're not asexual, but you shouldn't base your final decision solely on that.) Just as an example, I know that I would not actually find sex very fun at all, HOWEVER I still have a libido and still get aroused by thinking about sex. Some people have a lot of trouble determining whether they are experiencing sexual attraction or just sexual arousal. I wasn't one of them, so you might not be. Do your absolute best not to stress on this, but if you do stress then try not to stress because you're stressing, like I do. XD

There really wasn't anything in your text that could actually tell me whether or not I could label you as sexual or asexual. Asexuals, just like sexuals, get butterflies, and many asexuals would like to kiss. You even mentioned that you would like to have sex one day . . . well, so would I, but only if it was with someone I intended to be with till death and only for reproduction (hey, I could say we asexually reproduced . . . that was so lame I'm sorry). In fact, unless you're able to say with certainty that you think you would love sex and want it frequently or not, there's no way I could really say whether you are or you aren't. Trouble, I know.

That being said, I do suspect that you could very well be bi, or possibly biromantic. I'm not so sure about demisexual/romantic, though. How long did you know the boy?

[Agent Shade]

Let me start with romantic attraction. Romantic attraction is more or less looking at someone and thinking, "Damn, I'd date them." From what everything you've posted, you seem to be romantic, and your romantic orientation may be biromantic, or panromantic. You've crushed on boys and girls, so if you're attracted to both, you may be bi. Panromantic is when you don't care about someone's gender, if you like them, you like them.

You didn't give too much information on your sexual orientation, but do you feel sexual attraction? Sexual attraction is when you look at someone and think, "Damn, I'd have sex with them." If that doesn't happen, you may be asexual. However, there is gray-asexual (rarely feeling sexual attraction), and demisexual (only feeling sexual attraction after a close bond is formed).

Hope this helps!

[derp spider]

so ...

i might give you another look on your situation from a whole different view
i'm what -in regard to the name of the site- may be called "mundane"
though this is probably a totally wrong word, you'll get what i mean in a second :)

i'm male, heterosexual
i feel romantic attraction, romantic desire, sexual attraction sexual desire
and all that both primary and secondary

i'm in a relationchip with a woman for about 6 years
there's really nothing besides one other point that keeps me from
looking actually very stereotypically sexuality-wise
and that points's a hard cesure between what my body says about my sexuality
and what i really feel about my sexuality

body says what i just wrote
all those things in a pure heterosexual way
my feelings however are kinda pansexual/panromantic
i'd have no problems getting together with whosever, as long as i really like him / her / it / x

I'm not even here because of me
instead i'm here gathering information for a dear friend of mine
who is like 120% more asexual than me, but still doesn't know what exactly she is
(not when using hard definitions, not when not using them)
she's also 120% more lazy than me, which is i why I'm here :P

but back to you
i hope i can explain all these words used to categorize ones measures of sexuality
(from my point of view that is)
since some of them are seemingly not even felt by some the forum members

(which is quite an interesting thing for me to read about)

and i'll utilize a metaphor, that already has been used somewhere around this forum
a simple one that turned out really great to explain a lot of it : a warm cup of coffee

i'm a thorough one though - y'all can start rolling eyes about now :P

primary :
things that happen when you simply look or pass by the cup of coffee
it's smell, it's look, and it's a lot of pictures within you, linked with the whole impression the coffee gives you

secondary:
things that happen when primary is already done.
things that aren't neccessarily obvious when simply passing by.
it's the warmth of it, it's which blend of coffee was used, maybe even how it tastes

aesthetic:
you like how the cup of coffee looks.
this might include the cup itself, the barista art on it, everything that is appearance

attraction:
the cup of coffee makes you think "i wonder how this coffee tastes. i may want to try some"

arousal:
you're soooo ready drink this coffee in delight (but: if you want that or not is something else)

desire:
this is the "something else". it's when you crave to drink the coffee no matter how ready you aren't.

romantics:
it's irrelevant if you'd drink the coffee or not, however
you feel like you could kiss it, hug it and feel its warmth with all your love
you could be together with this coffee happily.

friendchip:
you will probably not think about drinking the coffee.
and you will also probably not think about being together with the coffee.
however you could hug it intensely, feel its warmth and talk about all the coffees of the world with it.
the coffee might give you a certain small feeling of having someone on your side when everything else fails.

i have to say this is very basic and maybe even biased
and i hope these explanations are worked out enough, so you can combine them and still get what i mean
perhaps needless to say that an absense of one the aboves results in the opposite definitions
(like when romantics do not apply: it's aromantics then)

so with these things set,
i would (at least loosely) call you bi-affine based on how both genders did evoke feelings within you
but i can't tell to what extent this goes on (which is why i say it loosely)
if romantics apply to both it's biromantic. if arousal applies to both it's bisexual.
if arousal never applies it's some kind of asexuality.

thats the simple .... let's call it "maths" ... of what i see so far

now, getting the difference between friendchip and romantics

is a tough one for all the sexualities existing.
it's not unusual to me, seing them blend. i saw lots of friendchips turn to relationchips.
also vice versa
i also heard many stories about how the confusion about these two blending resulted in bad blood.

but as i experienced, there's a trick to this.
90% of all the problems in the world are at least partially linked to communication.
people just need to talk a lot more clearly, patiently and without preburdened piles of whatevers.
at least thats what i think :D


lastly i want to give you about 7 thumbs up XD
for how you cope with your OCD.
remarkable levels of self-reflection despite OCD messing with just that !
it gives you a lot control. just go further that way and maybe you can someday evaluate effectively
if your imagining something again or if you really are that way. a treasure chest full of hope for you :3


cheers