Successful Asexual+Sexual Relationships?

[themoonlight]

Hi! I am really worrying about my Relationship as I just told my Boyfriend that I am asexual. I have read many sad stories when people broke up because of their 'differences' and it makes me feel like everything is just about sex... So my question is: Do you know anyone/ Are YOU in a long term asexual + sexual, fulfilling Relationship with opposite sex? I would love to know some stories which could help me feel better and think positive!

[The Great WTF]

Including myself, I can think of at least four successful mixed relationships on AVEN just among the ones I can say I know semi-personally. There have been many others that have come and gone. Also, this thread. And this one.

The thing to keep in mind is that you're never going to see as many success stories as you do failures. The simple fact is that content people are content. They don't need to ask for advice or vent problems or look for support, so many don't even think of sharing their stories or feel guilty doing so. (Heck, I've been attacked by various members over the years for having the nerve to "shove my successful relationship in others' faces". People are strange.)

[themoonlight]

Thanks a lot! I'll read those threads in a minute, hoping to find something positive! That's true, seeking for advice made me even more depressed because of so many sad stories and 'not-happy-endings' ...

[Guest]

I am in a mixed relationship. For the first 5 years, I didn't know asexuality existed and we ended up fighting a bit about sex. Then, I found AVEN, told him, etc. We fought a bit more about it, then came to an arrangement. We've been together for 8 years now and got married earlier this year. So, yes, there are mixed relationships that aren't ending. It's all up to the people involved though.

[Lynxe]

Successful, mixed relationship. :)

Just like any relationship, it comes down to this --- communication! :P

[happilymarried]

New member here! Be gentle.

Been married 31 years. I am heterosexual and the wife is identified as hetero-romantic or aromantic.

We discovered this within the last year. We were mid 20's when we married and had the same goals in life, have 2 grown children and have lived a happy life. Being a sexual man married to asexual woman has been a struggle for both of us.

We were both in our own little world, confused and dissapointed with sex. Not knowing about asexuality or having good communication skills made for some tense times to say the least. I thought she had some issues with sex and she thought I was over sexed. Thankfully, we were committed and worked thru the years. For me, as a man: I thought I had to try to get her to learn to like sex. Tried everything, toys, pills, movies... She was horrified but, tried everything I threw at her to make our relationship work. Finally went to a qualified sex therapist and learned what the problem was. Turns out that she is not broken, frigid, weird or sick in any way. The same goes for me. Honest communication is what we have now and the road is not as rocky. We still have things to work on, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

To sum this rant up:

Yes Asexual + Sexual relationships can and do work!

They will need honesty, committment and communication to work.

[CatEyes]

Like Serran, I am in a mixed relationship and have been with my b/f for over five years. I did not know asexuality existed until a week ago and surprisingly my b/f is the one who introduced me to asexuality. Coming to terms with being asexual and actually relieved that I found out I was not the only one experiencing this really helped me process my thoughts and feelings. My b/f was also relieved to have a better understanding of what was going on and we still plan to get married after I am done with grad school. By just discussing my asexuality and communicating our needs and wants we have a stronger relationship now.

[Skywolf]

My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years now, and we make everything work through communication, as others have said. It really can work and you can be happy though. Just..understanding the other persons point of view and finding where you can compromise so both of you are happy..it's a tricky balance sometimes, but neither of us do anything we don't want to, and find what we both want to do. Example being we both like cuddling, but I'm sex repulsed, so..no sex. He understands, and it works out!

Break-ups happen..if they do..I always just think that it is how things are meant to be, that it's just moving past someone who isn't right for you. But they definitely don't have to happen, it just comes down to what doesn't get said as much as it should...Relationships take work and commitment, communication, compromise, and patience.

Best of luck, and a happy relationship really can happen. :)

[Penelopeia]

I just celebrated my 4th anniversary with my (sexual) boyfriend yesterday. I suppose you could label that "successful."

As others have already said, communication is the most important thing. That can't be stressed enough. I found that explaining my precise feelings (not physically/sexually attracted to people, but I know when they're considered attractive etc) instead of just saying "I'm asexual" or using big, scary words like "heteroromantic" seem to put them more at ease and facilitate a better understanding. It actually helped that I didn't know asexuality was a real thing until after I started dating him since I didn't have those big, official words to slap on. But like I said, that's just me. For others, it could be the other way around entirely -- something scientific-sounding might make them more prone to accepting it.

For sexuals, it might be a difficult thing to wrap their mind around. Ever since puberty, people are strongly motivated by sexual desires and have usually dealt with other sexual people. For a lot of them, and even with myself (despite my orientation), the notion of being sexually desired or desirable is a huge validation. It gets complicated when I realize I can't reciprocate. Sure, I can have sex with him, but I'll never lust for him like he does for me. And that hurts sometimes, because I want him to feel as wanted as I do. There is rarely a formula for success in anything. It's all contextual and circumstantial. Figure out who you are and who your partner is. Go from there.

I hope I don't seem too generalizing. Everyone is different and wants/needs different things from life and from relationships. But that's my two cents. Hope it helps.