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Coming out in general


Jordan...

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Hey fellow AVENites,
I have a bit of a serious dilemma here. I feel that I have no one to talk to about both asexuality, and the fact I identify as agendered. No one in my family knows, and my friend doesn't know either.
I have suffered from depression, self-harm and EDNOS for the past few years now, and they know about them. But they don't know about my sexuality or gender. Which is a real issue, because they are constantly bugging me to get a girlfriend, or whatever, which I don't really want. And my friend's friends are all really sexual around me (in a jokey way) and it's really awkward.

I don't know what I would say, or how I would say it. But I feel like I should tell someone, because at the minute, I don't have anyone I can talk to about anything really.
I don't get along with my parents, they seem to hate me, so telling them is out of the window, as it would just be another bullet in the "you're worthless gun", but I have a good relationship with my aunt, but I don't know how I would tell her.

Any advice? Please? I kinda need it, now more than ever :/

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Does your aunt ever start conversations with you about girlfriends? That could be a time to try and explain how you feel.

If she doesn't, then maybe you could steer the conversation round to dating, and how you aren't bothered about dating. She may say something along the lines of your not being ready yet, and the time will come, but you could explain that you believe you will never want to.

That might lead on to your identifying as agendered, although that is a separate issue.

You will always find people here who will listen and understand. :)

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If you feel comfortable telling your Aunt then maybe you could confide in her about how people are bugging you to get a girlfriend and how this makes you feel and see how she responds, she may make it really easy for you to open up about it and I'm sure you will feel so much better when you do...

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It is socially inappropiate for a person to bug another person to "get a girlfriend", regardless of whether the person being bugged is asexual or not. I'm sad to see so many people posting here that they are experiencing this.

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Sad. Jordan, share it with us :) or someone you trust. If possible talk to your aunt about it. Give your concerns some release so they don't pent up inside you.

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Sad. Jordan, share it with us :) or someone you trust. If possible talk to your aunt about it. Give your concerns some release so they don't pent up inside you.

That is why I am asking how I should kinda ask. Because I haven't felt right for a few years now, and it's just been getting worse, and now I kinda know why I didn't feel right but no one else knows, and I'm going to see her on Sunday, so it just makes sense to talk to her about it then.

Only problem is I am REALLY emotional, and I know I will end up crying, and everyone in the family is going to be there and it's awkward and argh :/

But thank you all for your kindness, love you guys :)

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Jordan I'm probably not a great person to be talking about this because I'm not out to anyone in my family. But it sounds like your silence is causing you to suffer. If you feel you can tell your aunt and you think she would be a good member of a support system for you, then it sounds like you should try to find a way to tell her. If she doesn't understand at first, be patient. Asexuality is a hard thing to explain and even harder to accept for a lot of people, because it flies in the face of the current cultural wisdom that says life isn't complete without constant sex. If your aunt knows you pretty well, though, it may not come as much of a surprise.

When you're having the conversation, try not to think too much about how they might react - that can really amp up the emotional level. Just stay in the moment, and stick to the facts. And if you're worried about that they won't understand you, try and let that be okay. I didn't understand myself for the first 28 years of my life - it would have been unjust for me to expect OTHER people to understand me. And at the same time, I don't expect to ever understand them. There's a difference between acceptance and understanding. I think the former is the best we can ever really hope for, and sometimes it can take a long time to really get there.

I hope your parents don't actually hate you - the way you describe it, it sounds like there might be some verbal abuse going on, and if that's the case I hope you can find a support group or something to help you deal with that. On the other hand maybe they're just having trouble reacting to your depression and other challenges. It's hard for people to see their loved ones suffer and it makes them act in ways that can be kind of awful. Either way I hope you find a way to be at peace with them, whether that means repairing the relationship or discarding it entirely.

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Certified Cake Decorator

You describe my life!! Except that my parents found out about my asexuality (and confused it with my neutrios-ness), and outed me.

So what i was going to do, and have done before with friends, is bring up the topic of asexuality as a thing separate from you. Wheter you mention someone you know who is asexual, or you "learned about this thing in class that is interesting", just dont metion that this is how you identify.

Then, they will ask lots of questions about it. People don't like not knowing things.

By the end of the informative convorsation they should ask "wait, you know so much about this. Is that what you are?"

And you're home-free!

This sorta directs their mean comments to asexuality in general. They aren't being offensive or mean to you. An this has helped me stay calm while describing my feelings. Just pretend you are talking about someone else.

Does that make sense? I hope it does

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Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand now I feel terrible. I wasn't feeling great last night. And I went to see my aunt, and grandparents, today. And I couldn't get any time alone with her. And I probably won't see her again until christmas.
I have literally no one to talk to about it, that I know. It's all well and good talking to a stranger and knowing they accept it, but when you don't know if your family will accept you, it's just urgh!

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I don't know if this is a dumb suggestion, but when i came out to my friend i took the chance in a conversation we were having about homosexuality. I kind of derailed it to pansexuality and finally asexuality. He didn't know about it so i explained it to him, and i got to know his reaction and thoughts about it before i came out. I didn't like his reaction. He was pretty ignorant about it and made some hurtful comments, and then i got really upset and that's when i came out. Then he was sorry, and he really made an effort to understand. I think he did, eventually.

Maybe you would find it easier to do something similar to this, rather than say it out of the blue?

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Yeah probably... Only issue is, you came out to a friend to start with, which (don't take this in the wrong way) is a safe option, rather than coming out to family. As having a friend disown you is better than having anyone else in your family disown you.
Unfortunately, I don't have that option. I only have one person I "have" to call a "friend", and seeing as we aren't on the best of terms. It's not really a good idea to tell him anything. So I don't really have a "test subject" to come out to :/

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Would it work to call your Aunt on the phone and tell her?

When I first found out about two weeks ago, I told my mom, 3 siblings and my roommate, and felt pretty good, it went well. They had some questions but I mostly was explaining it as a fact, not as a question or looking for advice. Today I told a friend and I didn't really feel a need to and was kind of nervous about it, but she was asking questions and wanted to know. She was really understanding and actually watched the (a)sexuality documentary on Netflix afterwards and texted me tonight that she really respects how brave I am to be honest about who I am and thanked me for trusting her enough to tell her.

Most success stories I have heard come down to how you present it, if you are confident in yourself and that asexuality is real and OK it seems to help. Of course some people are just stupid or mean, and you can usually figure that out before telling them.

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Another thing, coming out to someone is very personal, sexuality is really not anyone's business unless you share it with them. So you are really saying you value the relationship if you choose to share this with someone like your Aunt. In my opinion, it is fair to tell people who don't treat you with respect that it is none of their business or that it is personal.

Finding new friends is very helpful when setting boundaries, I have been in what seems like a situation similar to yours where I wanted to set boundaries but couldn't because all I had was unhealthy family relationships. Getting outside of that and finding new friends is so important, my family relationships really improved once I became more independent and healthy on my own through other support systems and we both knew that I didn't "need" them.

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Other support systems? As in friends, or...?

But I feel like I need to tell someone, just get it off my chest. Having to hide something from everyone I know can be really hard sometimes, and if there is just one person I can be myself around, not having to pretend I am kinda sad that I am single, etc. then that would be great. But I don't like telling people over the phone/online because I don't like using phones, I just don't like them dunno why, and online is bad for something like this because I start to get worked up when people don't reply quickly :/

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Sorry I kind of proved your point with the online delay... Yes, I agree that it would help to have at least one person who really knows you. I don't know your family, but it sounds like your Aunt might be a good option, or maybe another new friend that you can trust.

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And by other support systems I mean friends, and also actual support groups or counselors/therapists, teachers or coaches, even medical doctors. Anyone who cares about you enough to listen and respond with respect.

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And by other support systems I mean friends, and also actual support groups or counselors/therapists, teachers or coaches, even medical doctors. Anyone who cares about you enough to listen and respond with respect.

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