Introduction (Some Thoughts)

[lunayneko]

Hi, nice to meet you all.

Asexuality was not something that I had considered for myself until recently. Before then, I had been sexually active, but my motivations had often been from a sense of self-loathing, and performing sexual acts left me sad, confused, and disgusted with myself. The reason for this reaction was fairly clear; I had been abused when I was younger, and physical intimacy brought back bad memories.

The eventual solution I came to was to devalue sexual acts. I told myself that sex meant only what you make of it. And for me, giving it meaning was allowing past experiences to hurt me. So it became meaningless.

When it was lacking in meaning, the physical pleasure of it would only last as long as the act. What was left afterwards felt absurd and there was a sense of guilt. I was always afraid of putting the other person in a situation where they were uncomfortable, or doing what had been done to me. It wasn't until I trusted that my partner trusted me that I began to be able to do it without grief.

But in the end, my sex drive seems to be diminishing and diminishing. I don't experience primary sexual attraction (ever), nor do I ever remember doing so. Secondary sexual attraction comes and goes. When depression becomes worse, I find maintaining emotional links harder and secondary sexual attraction disappears.

Anyways. That's more or less the gist of it. I still go through cycles of demisexuality and asexuality, so I choose do just identify as grey-a. It's hard to determine whether this is as a result of my trauma, or if it just reflects my underlying nature and mentality. Many of my friends frown at my decision to deal with the trauma in this manner, but I find that I am happiest like this. I don't need sex, I don't want for it. I find calm and happiness in emotional intimacy, the feeling of having no boundaries, to not have to explain yourself or lie to yourself. And I think that I would have always valued that more than physical intimacy.

[Chewy]

Right on! Welcome!

[Lady Girl]

Hi and welcome to AVEN! Thanks for sharing your story. I'm very sorry to hear about your previous trauma, but I don't think how you are dealing with it is a bad thing. I hope you love being part of this supportive and totally awesome community! :)

[lycanrising]

Hey, it's a pleasure to meet you!

I find your story interesting. But I especially like that you're happy and comfortable with understanding how you feel, the most important thing in my opinion.

Welcome and I hope you enjoy being on aven!

[mari]

Welcome! And im sorry about the abuse

[kelico]

Welcome to AVEN! Thank you for sharing your story with us! I'm so sorry about the abuse and trauma you'd gone through. : ( We're a really supportive community and always happy to help when needed! I hope you enjoy it here. Best wishes!