Grey-A, hyposexuality, I'm wondering if it's possible that I belong here somewhere..

[Abyssinian]

I just want to start out by saying that I've been clicking links and googling for an hour, and I'm not great at sorting out my own thoughts, so I'm here now hoping for some clarification.. I guess?

I've only recently discovered the terms grey-A, greysexual and hyposexual, but they intrigue me. They sound like they may fit me in many ways, but I can't tell yet. First question, what is the difference between grey-A and greysexual, if any? I read that there is one, but it's unclear.

I personally believe myself to like the idea of sex more than the act. Whether I'm dating someone or just hooking up, the first step is that I want sex with them. Like an achievement, it gets me going. After that, no interest.

If I'm dating someone, I'll sleep with them regularly, but disinterestedly (though I'm excellent at acting otherwise) because I've always known that THAT'S WHAT COUPLES DO. They have sex, darn it, and if I can't provide then I'm just a frigid failure of a girlfriend!... so I've always believed. It's important to my partners, I do it. I hate it when it lasts too long though, I find the whole process tedious. Even when they do manage to "get me going", I remain "going" for a maximum of about five minutes, and that's rare.. I've trained myself not to ask "How much longer?" though that's always been my first instinct.

I love the idea of being closer to my partner, I do like the intimacy that comes with sex, but.. let me give you an example here.. My current partner has never initiated, as I'm his first, and I haven't initiated for almost two months now due to (having the perfect excuse not to, which is) my ADD medications making me antisocial and moody. And honestly, the ONLY reason I'm not back to initiating again as I would have (and have before, in similar circumstances) is because my partner now is the only man I've ever dated who hasn't instilled a soul-crushing guilt on me for not giving him what he "needs".

I'm currently feeling the pressure to begin initiating again, in my own mind due to how long it's been, and it's not like I dislike it... but I just don't want to. I can't be bothered, I have other things I could be doing, he seems fine without it, I just... Eh. But I want him to HAVE that, and I want the intimacy after so long, just once, you know? So I probably will initiate soon... eventually.

I don't know if it's relevent, but I only watch one specific type of porn. I don't enjoy "normal" porn with the both partners having sex and enjoying it. It's awfully boring. I do watch porn occasionally though, and enjoy my fetish-y imaginings in my own time.. also rarely.

My brain is fried, I shall leave it there for now. Thanks for reading!

[lycanrising]

As a sort of side comment, grey-a and greysexual are the same thing. Both are shortenings of grey-asexual.

As for your interesting post, I'm not sure I'm. Able to provide much insight. It sounds like you're not describing a desire, or atleast a desire I could recognise as heterosexual, to sexual activities. Grey-asexualay be an identifier you'll like but it is a tricky one, partly due to its nature of being neither here nor there on the spectrum.

I'm sorry for being primarily unhelpful but maybe someone else will be able to offer some better thoughts.

[Heart]

I believe the primary difference between the terms "grey-asexual" and "grey-sexual" -- sometimes spelt without the hyphens -- is which end of the spectrum you feel closest to. For the most part, people don't differentiate at all, which is why lycanrising is mostly correct; in practice, grey-sexual and grey-asexual are about the same thing. However, some people identify specifically as grey-sexual because they feel more on the sexual end of the spectrum than the asexual end, while still being in the middle somewhere. Some people prefer grey-asexual specifically because they feel closer to the asexual end than the sexual end.

Having said all that, the general trend (at least here on AVEN) is that the two terms are almost interchangeable, and most people use the term "grey-asexual" rather than "grey-sexual". For some reason, that one just caught on more than the other. *shrug

Ultimately, in deciding your own orientation, I would recommend seeing which label feels best. If grey-sexual feels like it fits, then that's your label. If grey-asexual feels better, go for it. I can't presume to know you well enough to tell you your orientation, especially given a short story over the internet and having never met you. And even if I had, you're the only one who knows exactly how you feel, so the label is ultimately up to you. We will do our best to help with definitions, as I hope I have just done, but we can't magically figure out your sexuality for you, I'm afraid :(

Welcome to AVEN though!! Let us know if we can keep answering questions or clarifying for you. And take the time to explore the community, I think you'll find a lot of people like you here. You can also check out the relationships forum, which is a ways above this one on the main forum page. Have a look around and make yourself at home

[Abyssinian]

Thanks for your answers! I mainly ask about the difference because in order to find out if either fits me to any extent, I wanted to be able to read up a little more, but I was struggling to find any information on them as seperates... I may have given up quite early haha.

Is... is that cake? Goodness, I must use the desktop site just for that reason!

I suppose, I would like to add another question.. Is it possible to have it trained out a little before realising what it was?

It wasn't until a couple of years ago that I made friends with females who were open to sex and sexual discussion. I didn't realise till then that my views on sex are different to the average female. My only female friend in high school is what you might call "repressed in ever single way oh dear", and my first long-term partner was a pushy one when it came to his needs. I've heard the stereotypes. I figured that "sucking it up" was just what women did in relationships, at least after a little while.

My closest friends now playfully call me "broken" when the topic comes up.

My point is, I got used to initiating and giving. People appeared to get really hurt when I didn't. And if I get bored? Well, turns out I'm not a bad actress.

Even in my situation now, when my partner and I become intimate, I do think "Ahh I should, like, give the go signal right about now so that MY MAN CAN HAVE WHAT ALL MEN NEED." I don't need sex, but I need intimacy, and that's just how I've always done it...

Oh, oh! One more thing! I just read an article about how being physically turned on by intimacy and wanting just SOMETHING for a release, and that doesn't mean you're not asexual... Is that true?

Things that turn me on physically: Intimacy with a partner (physical) and one type of porn.

Things that make me feel the urge to have sex: Intimacy with a partner (emotional) and, until about a year ago, notches on my bedpost.

None of these things make the act of sex more enjoyable. Regardless of how much I physically want it, the second the man is done, I feel completely done too.. like, no I actually didn't finish, but it's over, I'm good.

Also, sorry for rambling. Even if it is just ramble, it's good to have it all out...

[lycanrising]

Don't worry, rambling is good.

I believe the primary difference between the terms "grey-asexual" and "grey-sexual" -- sometimes spelt without the hyphens -- is which end of the spectrum you feel closest to. For the most part, people don't differentiate at all, which is why lycanrising is mostly correct; in practice, grey-sexual and grey-asexual are about the same thing. However, some people identify specifically as grey-sexual because they feel more on the sexual end of the spectrum than the asexual end, while still being in the middle somewhere. Some people prefer grey-asexual specifically because they feel closer to the asexual end than the sexual end.

Oh, that's interesting. I hadn't known/thought of that but that makes good sense.

I suppose, I would like to add another question.. Is it possible to have it trained out a little before realising what it was?

I'm not sure entirely what you mean by this, could you elaborate a bit?

Also, the phrase 'I just read an article about how being physically turned on by intimacy and wanting just SOMETHING for a release, and that doesn't mean you're not asexual... Is that true?' feels ambiguous. Are you asking if being turned on by intimacy and wanting a release may be experienced by an asexual?

Those are interesting things you've written. I'm not sure what to make of a of them but they're interesting nonetheless. I don't think anything particularly falls outside of asexuality, possibly under grey-(a)sexual.

Oh, and one final point: you're not broken, whatever orientation you choose to identify with. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

[Abyssinian]

I suppose, I would like to add another question.. Is it possible to have it trained out a little before realising what it was?

I'm not sure entirely what you mean by this, could you elaborate a bit?

By that I meant.. I believe that it took me so long to accept the idea of being asexual because I willingly had sex quite often in relationships. It didn't strike me until very recently that the fact that there's always been a motive outside of my own urges is not what "regular" sexual people experience. I believed that having sex, mentally training myself to focus on the good things about it and telling myself that I wanted it was just a normal transition into sex that many people must face, and after a while I almost had myself convinced that I DID want it most of the time. I'm sure I used to like it much more than I do now, many years ago, but over time I've slowly started admitting to myself that sex was never something I really wanted, unless, as I said, there was a motivation outside of myself.. like a partner.

In short, I believe that I trained myself to act in a way that sexuals do (initiating sex, picking up, etc) because that's what was expected of me.

Also, the phrase 'I just read an article about how being physically turned on by intimacy and wanting just SOMETHING for a release, and that doesn't mean you're not asexual... Is that true?' feels ambiguous. Are you asking if being turned on by intimacy and wanting a release may be experienced by an asexual?

That's what I was asking, yes. I've done some further reading and I see that under the base definition of being asexual, wanting to be close to my partner and getting physically turned on by a touch enough to want sex for the satisfaction does not make me nonasexual. Honestly I'd be quite happy to go finish myself up if the person in question, turning me on, woudn't feel super offended or left out... but of course they would! So that answers that. X)

Oh, and one final point: you're not broken, whatever orientation you choose to identify with. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

Thankyou for your response! I know I'm not broken, now. I've always felt like I was missing something internally when it came to sex, but I've never "blamed" myself for this anymore than I blame my friend with the preference for Asians. It's not a choice, it's not effecting the world, it's simply an inherant divergance from the "norm". I've talked with my closest friend about this since I posted last and she still calls me broken, but it's in good humour. She can never understand how I feel about sex, as I can never understand her feelings and motivations on the subject, so I told her that, subjectively, we must both be broken!

And thanks for the other responses too! I feel like everything is a lot clearer now. =)

[lycanrising]

[quote name="Abyssinian" post="1060876923" timestamp="1409286062"

In short, I believe that I trained myself to act in a way that sexuals do (initiating sex, picking up, etc) because that's what was expected of me

Ah, I get it. And yes, that's perfectly possible. Our psychology I'd highly malleable to the extent we can manipulate our feelings willingly or unwillingly.

On your second point; yup, there's no contradiction there. Huh that's an interesting thought. I suppose I can imagine why some might feel offended by that. But on the other hand, it can't be a purely asexual thing not to finish at the same time as the other person, so I wonder what other women do in those cases.

Your friend may have trouble at the start but if she ever needs some more clarification then feel free to send her to aven's faq, she may find it interesting. http://www.asexuality.org/home/family.html but that said, it sounds like that went down fairly positively and so that's good :D

[Abyssinian]

Ahh I should have been clearer. The physical feeling of being turned on doesn't make me want sex, I'd be more than happy to walk away and deal with it myself once the guy has turned me on. But social obligation says no haha, and I would never want to deprive my partner of the act. The urge usually doesn't last the length of sex either so I never have to deal with it directly afterwards either, which is probably a good thing.

I've sent her a couple of links, she's close to understanding as well as anyone who will never experience it... and even if she doesn't, I'd understand. She's more sexual than anyone I've ever met. I've never been able to truly grasp what it must feel like to be her.

Thanks again!!

[lycanrising]

Ah ok. I understand. I'm finding that thought quite funny actually, no offence intended. I'm mentally comparing it a bit to a car. You've started the ignition now hands off and let me drive. :P

Interesting. One of my good friends is incredibly sexual too and we've had interesting talks over it. He's incredibly open to the idea and is intrigued by it.

[Abyssinian]

Hahaha that is about right! It's like this metaphorical car likes to drive itself, it knows what's efficient. Someone else taking the wheel and generally stuffing around disengages and bores the car.

Another question, if anyone even knows.. Antisexuality is clearly a thing, but can a person be heteroasexual and homoantisexual? I ask this because I've always (until now) believed I was bisexual, but with the clause that I was only ROMANTICALLY attracted to women. Men I can sleep with fairly easily, but the idea of sex with a female? Scary, ick, no no no. Hasn't stopped me falling for them though. I always wrote my feelings for women off due to the sex thing. "I mustn't be that into women after all.."

[lycanrising]

:P self driving car to the max.

Hmm... Hetero romantic asexual and homoromantic antisexual...

I'm not sure if antisexual is being used correctly, as I understand it. When you say 'falling for women', are you referring to sexual attraction towards them or romantic?

[Abyssinian]

Romantic only. One springs to mind specifically, a girl I used to work with. I wanted her to be my partner, kisses and movies and sharing the world (normal love stuff, you know).. but the idea of being sexual with her was borderline repulsive. I probably could have, but I would not have been comfortable with it. She was uninterested, so I never had to worry about the sex thing, and I've only ever dated men, mainly due to lack of women-interested-in-women in my area, but the fact that being physically intimate with a man didn't terrify me also led me towards them for dating... >_>

I didn't know until quite recently that being sexually repulsed by someone, and still loving them truly, was a thing. Thanks to this site and the antisexuals out there, I now know that it is. It's interested me quite a bit. ^_^

[lycanrising]

Okay, that's interesting.

I have no idea if being a biromantic grey-heterosexual is a phrase but it sounds like it would describe it, if one were to be interested in a label.

And yeah, aven has expanded my horizons greatly.