I'm doing everything wrong

[Puppet]

So glad to see the site is back up and running. :)

A few months ago I spoke about this same guy on this site, about how I'm not sure if he wanted a relationship or not (albeit online as we live in different states)...and the next day after I posted that thread he told me that he wanted to meet in RL before we figured the rest out.

Well, despite trying we haven't met in real life yet and it looks like it might be a little longer than expected. Months even. -heavy sigh- I've got some issues and I need help figuring them all out. I'm going to put them in bullets because that's just easier for me.

• I really like him. He's funny, charming, intelligent, and we're both geeks. Though he's heavy into video games and I'm a lover of anime. That's where we tend to clash. He wants me to get into his interests but its hard for me to introduce him to mine, because I know he's a critic at heart and won't like them. It's not like I've really tried to show him my interests yet, but I'm afraid if I do he'll just laugh them off.
• He always wanting me to see him and its hard for me to put up the money to do that. I just asked him tonight through FB if he's ever thought of visiting me instead, but I haven't received a response yet.
• I can't stop thinking about him...and its driving me insane. I'll have days where I won't think much of him at all and then I'll have these little marathons of 2-3 days where I can't stop. Hell I've been the one to not talk to him for months on end because I was just tired of people. So I'm really wishy washy on my interactions with him. Granted though when we do talk it tends to make up 2-7 hours and I rarely have much time to sleep the next morning. Just in my defense lolz
• I lack self esteem and confidence to the extent that I have no idea what he sees in me. And if I ask him I'll look like a chump so I don't. Or I did once but it was so off-hand that it was just a comment and not a question. But I feel like I'm so boring because I'm naturally quiet. I prefer to listen and he prefers to talk, so you'd think that'd work out fine. And it usually does. But what do I do when I want to be entertaining? I feel like I'm very careful with my words so I don't sound stupid...er than I usually do.
• I've lied to him twice. Once about my weight because hell I'm ashamed of it. And second about me being able to drive. I lied about driving just two days ago actually. I have a fear of driving that I haven't actually gotten over yet and despite the fact that he doesn't have a car, for some reason I don't want to be thought of as "the girl that can't drive". I confessed about my real weight months ago, and he was fine with it. Just told me not to lie to him again. Oops.

I guess this list is more for me than anyone else, because my thoughts tend to mash together where I can't pull them apart and lists help. I'm sure there's more that needs to be said that will bug me later, but I can't remember them now. I just want to know...1) How can I feel better about myself? 2) Do you believe long distance relationships can last? 3) Please point out my stupidity whenever you see it, it helps. Criticism helps. 4) How do I trick my mind to do things for myself...get better for myself without him being a factor? Or such a heavy factor.

Because I lost 10 pounds when I was talking to him and gained it all back when I abruptly stopped.

I know this is long and for that I'm sorry, I just have a lot on my mind. Thanks!

[OtterCakes]

I stopped for a second at low self-esteem. I've definitely dealt with that same issue and only found that pursuing a romantic relationship at the time of low esteem is not a good option. Typically (for me) it makes me more critical and wary of myself. Odd question: Are you in college? As an incoming freshman I feel these years will be for finding myself and then finding love. Do you think you know enough about yourself to find the right person? (Not trying to undermine your sense of self- just figuring out where you're coming from.)

But to directly answer things:

1. Try finding hobbies you really enjoy, and even if you suck at them, work at them 'til you're confident! Also I can help you identify values that may be a root part of yourself and identity (I took a class).

2. Long distance is way harder to upkeep, especially if you don't know the person that well in person (for me).

3. Stupidity is a derogatory term and one I will not use here.

4. It's not about tricking. This is the ultimate fact even I still am on the path to believing. You have to, eventually,

fake it 'til you BECOME it.

Once your values and lifestyle align then you will be a much happier person. You will then believe, no matter what shape you are in physically, or how high your IQ is, that you are the damn best you can be, and always striving to be optimal. And from that you should find peace and inner harmony.

I hope this helped, love! Let me know if you're interested in that value identifier. Not guaranteed to help, but it might spark some ideas.

[kwililava]

I hope this helped, love! Let me know if you're interested in that value identifier. Not guaranteed to help, but it might spark some ideas.

What's this value identifier that you speak of ?

[lycanrising]

If I may, one of the most common things it seems is self doubt in the 'why would they like me?' area. Stop. Halt. Hammertime. The fact is that they obviously do see something in you and you should take confidence from that.

Long distance relationships are hard but I think it's better to put in the effort and conclude it isn't working than to never try and forever wonder.

Agreed with otter, stupidity is a bad word. But if I had to point out an obvious area to draw attention to, don't be afraid of who you are. He obviously likes you enough for what he's seen so far, don't let anything else put you off. If he can't stand to be with a girl who can't drive then screw him. If you and him don't see eye to eye on topics of nerdiness then oh well, but don't be afraid to be comfortable about your likes. I experience this and can empathise with others on the matter of being careful with what you be open about to keep things as universally attractive as possible. But really, you shouldn't. Your interests aren't oddities to be hidden, they're trinkets to be worn. If someone doesn't appreciate you for your interests then thank you but good night.

There are lots of tips are tricks, all good. Start slow. Be sensible in goals. Set yourself a minimal goal of something so ridiculously low you can't help but be able to achieve it daily with the effect being you get into a routine of it. Read internet information on your goal. All good advice. But underpinning all of that is a will. You need to want to achieve whatever it is. Now, that will need not simply be a mental effort. Personally, when it comes to my fitness it helps that I find it enjoyable to go to the gym. Not everyone does, but to them I recommend finding something they enjoy that achieves the end goal.

[Rye]

If I may, one of the most common things it seems is self doubt in the 'why would they like me?' area. Stop. Halt. Hammertime. The fact is that they obviously do see something in you and you should take confidence from that.

Thats sound advise.

However consider this:

Even the most "secure" people fall into this trap once a relationship is on the horizon... you will always become a little insecure (whyever... is there a biological reason for this ?)

I think the best indicator really is, like you said

"to take it slow":

I see so many couplse get togehter and break up in the course of a few weeks... makes me dizzy just thinking about it.

Lingering on such a thing isn't always so bad. Thinking about a relationship (AND COMMUNITNG WITH THE OTHER PERSON instead of jus some friends) is a good idea.

(Maybe this "thinking" is a gift we aces have that sexuals don't always have... ?)