For 20-somethings getting their feet off the ground

[Simba Circuit]

Hello, um. I'm new to the site, but I'm very glad to see a forum for aces in their twenties! I made the decision this year to start being more open about my asexuality to peers in my department at school, but overall it has not gone over well. I receive ignorant, narrow-minded responses, and invalidation. I have one friend who is also asexual, but she learned early on that it wasn't accepted and that she wouldn't benefit from being open about it at school. I also recently had a situation where I had (and still do have) feelings for someone who returned them, but changed their mind about dating when I told them I was ace and what that meant for a relationship. I thought I had found someone who enjoyed my company, and would try to make it work regardless of sex, but it turned out that sex was the priority and, when I told them that I may be more comfortable with the idea if given a lot of time and patience, was told that they "sometimes aren't very patient". It hurt a lot and it made me feel broken and worthless, which was something I thought I had put in the past and didn't feel that way anymore. Now, I am trying to join ace networks and chats and meet more people who I can relate to, but most places or chat rooms I find are composed mostly of teenagers, which makes me a little uncomfy as someone in her early twenties?

So to meet and befriend more asexual people who understand my experiences in my age range would be awesome.

[binary suns]

I was kinda excited this week because I happened upon a university that had an online grad course, and it made me think about that that might be possible. but when I told my parents about it, they where so resistant to it... complaining about cost... I mean I guess it makes sense... but it was so disheartening.

[Qutenkuddly]

Welcome, Simba Circuit! Please enjoy some !

[matt22]

I was kinda excited this week because I happened upon a university that had an online grad course, and it made me think about that that might be possible. but when I told my parents about it, they where so resistant to it... complaining about cost... I mean I guess it makes sense... but it was so disheartening.

I am sorry they were resistant to it, I understand what it is like to have a parent be hesitant towards paying for higher education. Would financial aid be able to cover some of the cost?

[binary suns]

that's what I'm hoping for, to spend some time and effort finding possible financial help from grants and seeing how much forgiveness the school will give and also taking a little bit more personal loans from fafsa! but my parents just didn't even think about encouraging me to find out if we can afford the school. they did mention looking closer, but they were all like, "sorry you can't go to this school it's going to be too expensive" not "oh great yes let's look to see if there are schools available! maybe this first one you found that's got you thinking about it isn't the one, but I'm excited you're excited"

they wonder why I don't like talking with them. every time I talk to them, they disapprove of something! but they're there for me, except not at all in emotion. it's so frustrating. I'm glad they're helping me out, but their attitude about it completely kills my enthusiasm to interact with them!

[Madeleine]

I'm with Simba Circuit: When I started looking up Ace stuff to understand it online, it definitely looks like a lot of teenagers forming their identities, and being in my late 20s and just learning that all of this exists, I felt like people might say, "Aren't you a little old for this? Sexual identities are things kids experiment with before they grow up and get real jobs."

I'm a pretty oblivious introvert, so this took a long time for me to process. I moved out and across the country in search of adventure and employment after college three years ago, and slowly realizing I was Ace this past year really shook me up. I feel like I've been given a huge disadvantage, like if I could stumble across a wonderful guy who's caring and respectful, what are the odds that he would be okay with never being physical? I've never gone out looking for relationships, but I had always hoped that at the right time I would meet someone I could share my life with, and that's seeming less and less likely, which is pretty depressing.

Life in my twenties has been a pretty bizarre adventure. After going to college because my parents told me to, and picking a major because my school told me to, I looked around and said, wait, what on earth am I supposed to do now? I have to make my own life altering decisions? Is this a joke??? Every decision is terrifying, every job that turns me down is an opportunity that might have changed my life, but I can look back and see that each step I've taken has led me on a pretty great journey. I've worked in department stores and warehouses and offices, and even did some door to door sales (please don't try it, it was terrible), and though I haven't found a permanent job, I've been able to pay my bills and meet a lot of great people along the way.

Anyone else having trouble finding normal, stable jobs? How do you guys cope with everyone around you getting serious jobs and relationships?

[acetylcholine]

Madeline,

Even though every job that turns you down is a missed opportunity, it doesn't mean it was the right opportunity for you. As long as you keep learning from your experiences, it isn't a waste of time. Every interview you go to or job you hold helps you to be more qualified when the next opportunity comes around.

[Siimo van der fietspad]

The job situation is still bad for almost everybody under 30 in the developed world. We're being kicked in the teeth by politicians who represent a different generation, and try to characterise us as lazy and entitled for wanting the same life as our parents. I do see that most of the older generation don't actually agree with this view, but there is nobody to vote for who can actually help us.

Also, don't compare yourself with friends. Everybody thinks everybody else is doing better than them, and this jealously fuels the bad parts of society.

I got very lucky with my current jobs, just happened to be in the right place at the right time. But it took four years of bumming around on low pay for this to happen. You could try and start your own business but it's really hard work.

[El-not-so-ace]

My job pays me 3k less than my last job, has one fewer week of vacation and few benefits... All whild I work 40 hours a week instead of 35 (with a paid full hour of lunch)... I wish I worked here as a first job instead of the reverse as I miss my last job even more now!

[Madeleine]

Yeah, acetylcholine is right, I just get overwhelmed and overanalyze things It's hard not to ask 'what if', but all we can do is try something, learn from it, and try something else. And the world is different now, and we don't have a good frame of reference for how working life is 'supposed' to go anymore, our generation is just going to have to try a bunch of random stuff and see what works. It's an intimidating prospect, but if we take it one day at a time, we can do it, guys!

And Siimo made a good point: don't weigh your successes and failures against your friends. Things can change completely in a week or a day, and though it's easy to feel like other people are leaving you in their dust, we're all in this together, and everyone's journey is worthwhile.

I had 3 jobs last year, and am about to start my second of 2016. I always find something to do, and if a head in the clouds Liberal Arts major like me hasn't starved to death, there is hope for the rest of you!

[Auteur]

Hehehe well hello and Cheers to the roller ride of life, hope you don't mind if I settle right on in and spill some of my ups and downs :) May we all pull through and carry on together!

I honestly am on a sure up to enjoying my life (best hope) but my graph line went so low that even though I'm on the up its so below whats functional. Though it wasn't much of a wonder of how it got there it's just more of the frustrated agony right now of when I will finally be able to move on. I have learned a lot! in 3 years! I would not take back anything either, the major depression or becoming horribly ill with Mono. I knew Depression was coming and the reasons for it were made up of things I had ignored, put of, and or for the most part were out of my control. I learned a lot from that experience though and was able to lift myself up again with time leaving me feeling pretty strong and proud. :)

Mono however was a bit of a surprise that really has helped me understand the most about my life and has weirdly enough forced me to really look at myself and pursue only that which makes me happy and healthy. I could hardly stay up right for an hour for an entire year but in that year even though I couldn't work, I got to learn science, write comics, and do voice acting something I had always dreamed of doing. I also became an even bigger part of a Family, my Ohana. That gave me the true feeling of what it is to be home, and to have a home. They've given me so much confidience and joy. Now the rough part is that even though I'm through the thick of illness I'm still not able to do much or at least not with assuredness that I won't collapse or relapse. My healths really fragile right now and being stress free is crucial but trying to live stress free is very difficult for me and perhaps my last big challenge before I'm free of this sickness.

Well I like to think of my life in a grand scale of lessons and over coming obstacles anyway because thats just what I like and how I see my personal life. It gives me comfort and is fun. Like my own game. 20's been pretty dang rough so far, it could dish out more too if it wants but I just have this gut feeling that things might get pretty fun for me here. and I'm excited! and now I must leave to knock on every piece of wood in my house :)

A tip I can share or at least something I like to do when things get dark is I like to look at all those I admire or are successful and look at there lives . It's darkly comforting knowing the Havoc many of them have gone through to get up right. Hahaha :D

Sorry for chatting a storm! In sincerity though Here's to the 20 somethings flying or falling! Cheers! Friends!

[jclarke91]

Hey guys and gals

Interesting stuff on this thread.

I worried about all this stuff as a teen But When I finished high school I went straight to work in the construction industry.

When I hit 20 I decided to go do the inca trail in Peru and to be honest it changed my life.

I have since been to Nepal, China, across Europe and I lived in Australia for 2 years

Im back in the UK now and am planning on going to study Japanese in Japan next year for 2 years, I work hard and play harder and being "Asexual" somehow makes my plans go that bit smoother as I am not distracted by sex or relationships and the like.

I know most jobs don't pay to well but if people out there have worries, issues and concerns about how their life will pan out or feel pressured in the environment that theyre in, pack your bags and go travelling if you can.

It will open your mind to the wonders of life and you will learn so much about yourself its an incredible journey and adventure to go on.

Not everyone can financially do this I know but if you commit to something that you love - do it!

If you are unhappy with life, change it, YOU are in control :)

Peace, love and cake to all my fellow asexy peoples :)

[Qutenkuddly]

Welcome to all the new folk!

[NotGojoSatoru]

Hey!

I am 23 years old, an international grad student who has taken a ton of loans and has messed up their first semester. Now I realize that I cannot apply for internships because of my poor academic performance in the first. I have no friends over here (other than my roommates who disappear over the weekends). I feel worthless at times, I may possibly be suffering from depression and I can't seem to study or do my homework, ever.

I have one year to figure out whether I want to do my PhD or not. :(

I am glad that I figured out my major though

[deltaX]

Arno, as a student who suffers through depression myself, I can say that not ever wanting to do homework can definitely be a symptom. It is really hard for me, and sometimes even impossible to motivate me to do work for my classes, even for the classes I really enjoy.

I would say that if you aren't enjoying your PhD, then there's no shame in deciding not to finish it. Your mental health is important, and so if it doesn't make you happy, it isn't something you have to do. Best of luck with whatever you decide though! :cake:

[Nico22]

Hello! I've been on Aven a few years but never posted in this thread so maybe someone has seen me around.

Like SimbaCircuit and Madeleine I just figured out about asexuality two years ago. I met another ace who told me she was and I just had this "Oh... I didn't know THAT was a possibility!" moment XD At the same time I definitely also felt that it was a death knell on any chance of having a relationship... I had never dated before just because everyone made such a big deal about sex and I didn't want to get involved in that nonsense. It did feel like I was losing a chance I had never been given though.''

Also similar to Madeleine I've spent a lot of time moving around looking for a place. I've been teaching English in Japan for almost six years and three different cities. I don't really like kids but I love teaching because of vacations which I can use to travel around and try to find new opportunities! I was an acting major, though, so I don't have a lot of skills that are commercially marketable XD Still trying to find somewhere beyond Japan, been here too long I feel XD

[ksquared]

Hey guys, I figured I'd add my two cents since I'm part of this 20-something group too. I'm 25 and just starting to realize that I'm asexual. I never really understood the sexual attraction thing, I always thought that my aesthetic attraction must be the same as sexual attractuion. I figured that I just wasn't "mature enough" and when I reached the magical maturity point I would begin to experience whatever this sexual attraction thing is. As you can tell, that never happened. As of right now, I'm finishing up grad school to get my masters in information studies with a focus on archives and work a few jobs on the side to pay my way through and support myself.Right now my major worries have been about finding a job and whether or not I'll be along forever. While I'm comfortable on my own, it would be nice to spend my life with someone and explore the world with them. I kind of want a mentally/emotionally intimate relationship without the physical side but I'm not sure if that will ever happen. Right now its kind of nice just knowing that there are other people out there with similar experiences.

I relate to this 100%. I'm in my late 20s and am finally understanding my asexuality. Instead of focusing on relationships, I put my effort and energy into building a life for myself so I could be independent and now I have my own house, car, a stable career, and a Masters education (with hopefully more on the way!). However, as I get older, I too want to find someone to spend my time with, travel with, and grow with. It just seems so hard to find someone that could understand my desire for a close/intimate relationship without the traditional physical aspects. Most of my friends are at the point where they are getting married and having kids and I feel like I'm missing out.

[Auran]

Now it's turning into a mantra for me; I should never have been born, I should never have been born, I should never have been born... I don't even want to think it, but I'm doing it anyway. Even seeing my friends is setting it off. It's getting bad. I now hate having to see my parents' friends and associates, as it's a constant reminder that I'm still a burden on them. I thought I'd found a way forward, but nothing so far.

[deleted_account]

deleted

[Forest Spirit]

My two cents:

I feel mature, happy and, I don't know, good(?) on my intellectual level (yey) but quite immature on my social level. Well, no wonder when you're super introverted and halfway asocial ^sigh^

I'm turning 20 soon, so I just hope that my 20s are somehow going to be okeyer (yes, not a word I now) than my current situation...

[Auran]

Hey Auran, I hope you're doing better today. What's up?

I'm feeling much better, thanks!

I need to remember that comparing my life to that of my friends can drive me crazy with self-loathing. It's not healthy.

[Manc John]

I'm 21 years old. Most of my friends are in relationships and all loved up, going on holidays enjoying meals and nights out with their second half and I must admit I am extremely jealous. I'm starting to do more things on my own and people wonder why? Friends and family keep asking me why I haven't got a girlfriend why I don't bring girls home to my mum and dad etc. Just got myself an okay job but I don't know what I'm going to do with the money. I want to start a family and save up for a house but I can just picture myself in a few years being very lonely whilst all my friends are getting married. I try and stay positive though I've seen the stat that there's a half million people who are also asexual so there is a chance I will meet another asexual partner and grow old together. Not a huge chance but still a chance!! I've personally never met another asexual person but I am excited to meet one. Share our experiences and share advice. I think in your 20's you worry too much or at least I do.

[Manc John]

I'm 21 years old. Most of my friends are in relationships and all loved up, going on holidays enjoying meals and nights out with their second half and I must admit I am extremely jealous. I'm starting to do more things on my own and people wonder why? Friends and family keep asking me why I haven't got a girlfriend why I don't bring girls home to my mum and dad etc. Just got myself an okay job but I don't know what I'm going to do with the money. I want to start a family and save up for a house but I can just picture myself in a few years being very lonely whilst all my friends are getting married. I try and stay positive though I've seen the stat that there's a half million people who are also asexual so there is a chance I will meet another asexual partner and grow old together. Not a huge chance but still a chance!! I've personally never met another asexual person but I am excited to meet one. Share our experiences and share advice. I think in your 20's you worry too much or at least I do.

I'm 21 years old. Most of my friends are in relationships and all loved up, going on holidays enjoying meals and nights out with their second half and I must admit I am extremely jealous. I'm starting to do more things on my own and people wonder why? Friends and family keep asking me why I haven't got a girlfriend why I don't bring girls home to my mum and dad etc. Just got myself an okay job but I don't know what I'm going to do with the money. I want to start a family and save up for a house but I can just picture myself in a few years being very lonely whilst all my friends are getting married. I try and stay positive though I've seen the stat that there's a half million people who are also asexual so there is a chance I will meet another asexual partner and grow old together. Not a huge chance but still a chance!! I've personally never met another asexual person but I am excited to meet one. Share our experiences and share advice. I think in your 20's you worry too much or at least I do.

[Grumpy Alien]

I'm 23. I'm relatively new at my job after transferring to a more career type position. I still struggle to be taken seriously. I've gained weight and the fattier cheeks make me look even younger. I'm mistaken for a teenager quite often and it changes how people interact with me - sometimes dramatically.

My friends are settling down now, a little early by current standards. They're married, graduating graduate school, and planning on conceiving. It makes me feel like "What am I doing with my life?" My depression and anxiety prevent me from doing a lot like school and I'm not er... active in the dating sphere. I want to get married; it's just complicated. In any case, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I want to do for a living as a career. I don't know how to do simple things that older (as in not young adult) people don't think twice about - things they don't remember learning and expect you to already know. I'm just floundering around. It's gotten a lot better though and easier with time.

I live at home with my mom but I'm getting to an age where that's strange. I like it though and it works for me. I don't plan on moving out unless I can move to where I want to live. The possibility of that happening seems so far off and scary.

The good though is that I finally feel my age for the first time in my life. When I turned 23, it was like I caught up with my mind. I'm told I'm an old soul but there's still so many ways I feel young. 23 feels right and now I can age happily until I feel like I'm too old! I do NOT miss being a teenager whatsoever. Young adulthood is treating me well overall.

[SpaceShark]

Hi, I'm new here and I thought I would check this out. I'm 24. I have a degree in psychology and then just kinda froze. I still want to get my masters and move on, but I keep self sabotaging. I currently live with my mother and am not yet employed. I spend too much time play video games and reading.

I have had one relationship and it was amazing and lasted 3 years. But I realized that are goals and sexualities were not compatible. (he was pansexual and I was panromantic) He was amazing and patient. But he wanted a sexual relationship. He tried so hard not to be pushy or make me feel uncomfortable. He was willing to cling to the relationship for the hope of one day having a sex life (if not a frequent one) and I couldn't see myself ever having sex. And I had seen how incompatible sex drives could effect marriages (my parent's, and my mom's first marriage). He also wasn't willing to seek sex elsewhere in an open or poly relationship. So I decided to end the relationship before we got to the point of hating each other, so we are still friends. And I enjoy hearing about who he thinks is cute and who he might date next.

My life just feels kinda stagnant at this point. I don't have a job, i don't have a license, I'm not in a relationship and I'm not working on my masters.

But Things are looking up. I think I might get a job this year and also get a car/license. I am also trying to write a zombie book which has been lifting my spirits. And sadly, breaking up with my amazing boyfriend was good for me. I didn't realize how stressed I was about the subtle/occasional/gentle pressure to have sex.

[monkeyfish]

I'm 26 and my life is going precisely nowhere. This year has been an absolute mess. I've been living with a friend for the past two and a half years and early this year he asked me to move out, so now I'm back in a house share with strangers who I'm having real trouble bonding with. I feel like I'm back where I was when I'd just left university.

On top of that, I've been in the same job for three years in which I keep being passed over for promotion and it feels like an utter waste of my degree.

Oh, and I've never had the confidence to have a real relationship because I know that the whole asexuality thing will be an issue and I don't expect anyone to accept it. This is a double joy because of loneliness and the fact that single I cannot afford to rent an entire flat (hence the house share).

I am so frustrated at the place my life is in, especially as it feels like it's really gotten off track this year and it took me so long to figure out that I am asexual that I'm still deep in the closet to all my friends so it's really difficult to explain some of these things to them.

[Guest]

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[Forest Spirit]

I love that airplane analogy <3

[SpacePrincess]

Hey guys~ I'm trying to figure out what the heck I'm going back to college for. I've always wanted to do education but my main goal I want is to be a translator for books/movies/anime/games. So I have no idea what I'd ever need to major in to do that. Yuck. Hope everyone is having a good day though.

[AmeliaRose]

@SpacePrincess - Seems to me you would need a degree in the language(s) you want to translate from. But I know very little about that industry, but it makes sense to me that if you wanted to translate Japanese you would have to know Japanese first right? :) Hope you succeed in following your dream!