Jump to content

New Chinese article on asexuality


Notte stellata

Recommended Posts

Notte stellata

A new article titled "I'm asexual: Having sex can't beat eating cakes" has been published in the Chinese magazine Vista Story (Vista看天下) recently. It features stories of me, my friend Annie, and a couple of other aces. Compared to the other Chinese article earlier this year, this one is longer and covers more facts about asexuality. I was glad to see such a well-written article!

For those who can read Chinese, the link to the article is here: http://www.vistastory.com/a/201408/5748.html

Below is a summary/non-comprehensive translation of the article:

I'm Asexual: Having Sex Can't Beat Eating Cakes

Annie, a photographer born in the 1980s, is a very attractive girl. However, it's not easy to enter her world. Her secret lies in the black ring on her right middle finger - it separates her from the majority of people, and meanwhile sending a signal to those who are the same as her.

The world of "Little A" (Chinese nickname for asexuals)

The black ring represents asexuality. Cake is another symbol of asexuality, meaning "eating cake is better than having sex."

Asexuality is rarely known in China. Annie has worn the black ring for three years, but she has never met another asexual who recognizes it. She has only dated sexuals too. Upon hearing about asexuality, her dates would often ask her, "Do you love neither men nor women?" or "How is your romantic relationship different from friendship?" She would explain that asexuals can still love people romantically, and they have their own ways to distinguish romance from friendship, such as non-sexual physical affection.

Some people still didn't believe in asexuality, and they would tell Annie she just needed to meet the right person or she should seek therapy. Annie pointed out that asexuality isn't frigidity, impotence, or the result of sexual abuse; it doesn't need "treatment." She was once frustrated at other people's misunderstanding, but she has learned to accept her difference.

As common as homosexuality

Asexuality is still a very new topic in academic research. Half a century ago, Kinsey found about 1.5% of the population lacked sexual contact or response, and he classified them into a category "X". But he didn't further study this group.

It was Anthony Bogaert's paper in 2004 that introduced asexuality to the general public. From a British survey, he found that about 1% of the respondents reported no sexual attraction to anyone. In 2006, he published another paper, explaining that asexuality wasn't a mental or physiological disorder. His 2012 book Understanding Asexuality suggested that asexuality might be statistically as common as homosexuality. However, asexuality is still far less known that homosexuality.

I love you, but not in that way

It took Annie a long time to realize her asexuality. It started from high school, when she couldn't relate to other girls' sexual interest in guys. But what really prompted her to explore her sexual orientation was her lack of sexual desire in romantic relationships. She found AVEN from internet search. After reading the description of asexuality, she thought, "that's exactly me!" But she was still a little unsure, "what if I haven't met the right person yet?"

However, she has dated even more attractive guys since then, and still never desired them sexually. She started to accept that she's asexual, and came to realize that sex and love are linked together for sexuals. "If you don't desire them sexually, they'll think you don't love them enough and get frustrated," but she wanted to say, "I love you, just not in that way."

The gap that can't be bridged

Like Annie, starry also discovered her asexuality from reading the information on AVEN. She was 28 and had been in a relationship for 1.5 years at that time. "In China, it seems normal for girls to have little interest in sex before they have relationship experience. They say you'll want sex once you're in love, but it didn't happen to me." She found her boyfriend physically attractive, but didn't feel sexual desire toward him. However, she would usually agree to have sex with him.

She explained that some asexuals don't mind having sex for their partner's sake, and some won't have sex with anyone because they're repulsed by sex. She's the first type. Her boyfriend wasn't surprised to learn she's asexual, because he had wondered why she wasn't very into sex. He also joined AVEN to understand her better.

They got married in early 2013. Due to their sexual difference, they still have moments of sadness occasionally. Starry said, "In asexual/sexual relationships, there's a gap that can't be bridged - sexuals not only want sex, but also want mutual passion in sex. It's almost impossible for asexuals to fulfill their need for passion, because they don't have the innate desire for sex." However, with mutual understanding and compromise, they're still happy with their marriage most of the time.

"Without sexual desire, are you even a man?"

Besides mixed relationships, another problem faced by many asexuals is coming out. The girl who created the asexual group on douban.com is worried about coming out to her parents. "They probably won't understand, and will keep nagging me about getting married."

Hengheng, a homoromantic asexual guy, has already come out to his parents. His parents seemed more concerned about whether he'll have children or not than about his asexuality.

Hengheng is also worried about his future relationship. From the 2011 Asexual Awareness Week Census, female asexuals far outnumber male ones, and heteroromantic asexuals outnumber homoromantic ones. So as a homoromantic male asexual, Hengheng belongs to a minority inside the minority.

Male asexuals seem to face more difficulty than female ones. 34-year-old Li Wei still remembers his ex-wife's words, "Without sexual desire, are you even a man?" He wasn't interested in sex, but wanted children. Once his wife was pregnant, he would only go as far as kissing. His wife suspected he was either gay or cheating. She divorced him after a lot of fighting and crying. After their divorce, once Li Wei came across "asexuality" online. He finally realized who he was at 32. "If I had known earlier, I'd probably wait for a girl who could accept asexuality rather than rush into marriage."

As an asexual, you can still be happy

Having read about many stories like Li Wei's, Annie decided to be happily single if she couldn't find a compatible partner. But she just entered a new relationship a few months ago. Her boyfriend is sexual and was a little worried about her asexuality at first, but she put his mind at ease with honest communication. Like starry, she doesn't mind having sex to satisfy a partner. "We're very happy together." She said.

Annie and starry are both in the douban asexual group. To help asexuals understand themselves and to educate sexuals about asexuality, they both translated some asexuality 101 materials and shared them in the group.

Starry has also done three asexuality presentations at her current university in the US. Once an audience member expressed surprise at the fact that some asexuals masturbate: "They don't have sexual desire, do they?" Starry explained that some asexuals have a purely physiological sex drive, so they need sexual release through masturbation, but not partnered sex.

Annie and starry both suggest asexuals treat their sexual orientation as a normal part of themselves. "Asexuality is just a small part of you, just like, for example, your blue eyes. It doesn't determine the quality of your life. You can be as happy as anyone else."

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites

Great article! :cake::cake::cake:

I especially like this part:

Annie and starry both suggest asexuals treat their sexual orientation as a normal part of themselves. "Asexuality is just a small part of you, just like, for example, your blue eyes. It doesn't determine the quality of your life. You can be as happy as anyone else."

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

Great article! Thanks for the translation, and it's great to see the visibility work. Awesome! Plus, of course, some :celebration cake: :D

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Nice! Love seeing well written articles like that. I hope it helps some people who read it. Thank you for the translation. =) :cake:

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Notte stellata

I hope it helps some people who read it.

It already has! There has been a sudden increase of members and posts in the douban.com asexual group (mentioned in the article) since the article was published. Many people said it was the first time they heard of asexuality and they were glad to know they're not alone. :)

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...