Even identifying as ace hasn't stopped the broken feeling...

[Shoomon]

My sexuality is very confusing to me and it seems to change all the time, but going with asexual has seemed the most consistent, even if I don’t understand it all. I want to try and describe how I experience attraction/relationships and maybe someone will understand it better than I do. Sorry if it's long.

I have been going with gray-asexual for a while now, because I think I may have experienced sexual attraction a few times before, but I’ve noticed that every time it happens it is very weak and fleeting, and only happens when it is accompanied by a very strong mental attraction. I don’t know if there is a word for that, but I find myself mentally attracted to people. I describe it as a desire to be mentally intimate with someone, knowing about each other, sharing inside jokes, but not necessarily being physical.

As for aesthetic attraction, I have a difficult time seeing that people are “hot” or even good looking most of the time. I can appreciate the way a person looks, but I seem to be lacking in the ability to tell if someone is attractive. However, I do find girls with short hair the most aesthetically pleasing and interesting.

Recently I have started to think I may be bi-romantic, however I have only ever been in relationships with guys. Unfortunately the relationships I have had have mostly ended by my hand because I became uncomfortable with the physical aspects.

I don’t understand how I can like the idea of being close to a person until it actually happens, and then be repulsed by it.

Because of this, I am very unsure if I am romantic with a repulsion to physical relationships. I don’t know if that only applies to guys or if it would apply to a girl as well if I were to ever be in a relationship with one. I am also unsure of my sexual orientation, because I don’t know if my aversion to physical relationships is affecting whether I am sexually attracted to anyone or not.

I am very confused and feeling broken as ever, and I’m hoping someone will understand more than I do or be able to point me to the right identity.

[NamelessAnonymous]

You could be demisexual since you say you require a mental connection to be attracted to people. I can also relate to liking the idea of physical closeness until it actually happens because I feel the same way. In fact, I'm sure a lot of people here do as well. I'm pretty sure there is no term for it, but it may just be how you are. I like the idea of roller coasters - they sound so fun and other people tell me how much they love riding on them and I wish I could enjoy them too, but I can't. Roller coasters scare the shit out of me, just as sex does and there's nothing I can do about it. I know that a lot of people use the most functional label to describe themselves - so you can identify as asexual if you want to despite feeling fleeting and weak sexual attraction every once in a while if you are explaining it to other people. Because let's face it, most people have never even heard of asexual, much less all the vocabulary we use here.

If I had to categorize you, I would say you are demi-greysexual. But keep in mind I have no idea how you feel, I'm just using your description. The only reason I'm telling you what I think you could be is because you seem as if you need another person's perspective.

Anyway, I will tell you that your aversion to physical relationships doesn't have much to do with your romantic orientation. *disclaimer: I am aromantic and I have no clue what romantic attraction is, so take my advice with a grain of salt* Anyway, romantic orientation is about who you are romantically attracted to. Ask yourself if you feel the same thing for girls as you do for boys to determine if you are biromantic. You won't figure it out right away, but try not to overthink things because you will undoubtedly become more confused. Thinking simplistically has helped me a lot.

However, I think your aversion to physical contact could have something to do with you sexual orientation. If you are sexual, you will want sexual/physical relationships. And if you aren't wanting that, it's probably because you are not attracted to those people/that gender. I am pretty averse to physical relationships as well and I'm asexual, if that helps you any. Obviously, there are sexual people like this, but if you are already considering that you may be less sexual than others, it can be a good indication of what you are.

[joseph1]

Hi Shoomon, I can relate to the feeling of being broken. I am confused too, still trying to figure things out. I think my interest in people is mostly in mental connections too, inside jokes, understanding each other on a deeper level. Do you feel like you need to know exactly what to call yourself?

[Shoomon]

Thanks, NamelessAnonymous. Your answer did help.

joseph1, I feel like knowing what to call myself would make me feel a lot better, because at this point not knowing how to identify makes me feel like there is no way to describe it so I must be broken. People here say they felt broken until they found out about asexuality, but I still haven't found the right words to make me feel like what I experience isn't crazy

[SithLord]

I don't know if this will help but I'll give you my views to see if it does.

I identify as an asexual and I don't think that will ever change. Despite this I imagine otherwise a lot. I imagine an idealized version of myself a lot, and she does everything I can't. She's slimmer, a bit taller, confident, thinks she's a good dancer, and very open about everything including her sexuality. She's bisexual and enjoys being with multiple people at once.

I'm going to stop there because I think I've made my point with her. She's not me, and never will be which is why I do not identify as polyamorous or a bisexual. I know I am asexual because every time I imagine being her, I get so weirded out I laugh or blush or freeze. I once tried to give my friend a lapdance to prove to her I could be sexual too (before I identified as ace) but then just sat on her because I couldn't help but think 'wtf am I doing?'

The point of this self-centered rant is that I feel just as confused about my identification as I believe you do.

To make matters worse I identify as a biromantic with heteroromantic leanings. This confuses my boyfriend because I've only ever had 2 1/2 boyfriends and no girlfriends. Despite this I think I would be very okay if I was single and was asked out by a girl, as opposed to my boyfriend who is straight because while he's okay with gay men he'd never date one. Maybe this is like you?

Sorry this seemed focused on myself as I didn't mean it to be. But I think all of us who don't fit the hetero norm are confused (norm meaning not very horny, not bordering on lacking a libido, not into BDSM all the time, etc. Not the stereotype).