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Asexual? Demisexual? I don't know what I am anymore...


cenlyra

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Okay, so... seeing as how this lovely forum keeps helping me figure myself out when I'm in the middle of yet another identity crisis... here goes.

In the past, I've identified as asexual. Then clarified it to aromantic asexual. And remained at that level for several years.

I've also been slightly confused about gender, mainly trying to figure out whether it's just a social construct revolving around societal gender roles, but that's another story. (I'm comfortable identifying as female, so we'll go with that.)

Anyway, my aromantic asexual self had one boyfriend during my teenage years, whom I've concluded at this time that I was not sexually, or even very romantically attracted to. A few years after, once I started identifying as ace, a friend tried to set me up with customers twice, which didn't work out either. (We work in fast food, and they were regulars through the drive thru. I say "were," because neither of them has shown up since... Oops!)

Despite still identifying as aromantic, I still figured that if I were ever in the situation where dating/a relationship could be fathomable, I could only ever date males.

And then a certain coworker showed up. We worked together for probably a year and a half before my matchmaking friend from earlier managed to convince us both to agree to a date. We've been together since and are happy with each other.

He's sexual. Also, I believe he has Asperger's. (He was diagnosed as being somewhere on the autistic spectrum as a child, although his parents didn't do anything about it, and he also shares several Aspie traits with my little brother, who was diagnosed with Asperger's as well.) Anyway.

I admitted to him pretty early on, that I identify as asexual. He'd heard the term before (thanks to House) and wasn't sure whether that meant that a romantic relationship was out of the question. I'd also like to point out that neither of us are confrontational at all, so serious conversations and having to answer emotional questions quickly is difficult and flustering. I got flustered, he got confused, I got confused, and eventually he came to the conclusion that a platonic relationship might be better.

It was then, that I realized I wasn't as aromantic as I thought. Looking back, I think I'd had a pretty slow buildup of romantic curiosity over the past year or so, which led to full formed attraction as we got along in one-on-one situations.

Within a day or two, we'd had another serious conversation, in which I said that I was probably more demiromantic than I had originally thought, and we agreed to try again and try to work out the sexual inconsistencies later, as both of us need time to get to know each other before any of that even pops up. We've had quite a few of those serious chats since, which we've termed "awkward conversations," so that both of us know what said chats are about when we feel we need one.

I feel like I may need one soon.

To recap, previously I identified as aromantic asexual. Then I moved to demiromantic ace.

And now I'm wondering if I'm more demisexual. And this is where things get confusing, because once again I'm treading into unknown territory. And I don't like the

unknown. It's scary.

See, our awkward conversations generally led to the conclusion that as he is sexual, sex is a biological imperative for him. As I am asexual, and had always considered myself detached from the idea of sex, but not repulsed, I am okay with the possibility of having sex in the future. He's pretty much letting me set the pace as of now, though, mostly I think because he's worried about crossing a line.

My libido had always been pretty much nonexistent, which I was fine with. As an asexual, I never experienced sexual attraction, so I can't really say I know what it feels like. I had never experienced arousal, and never felt the need to masturbate.

Now... I'm not so sure. I've been having somewhat sexual dreams recently. And occasionally, when we're together, I feel like I may want to do more than cuddle and kiss. But as I was never curious about anything like this in the past, I'm pretty clueless when it comes to sexual parts and sexual acts. I don't know whether this is just fantasizing, or whether it's forming sexual attraction. And either way, I'm not quite sure how to handle it.

I know nobody can tell me what label to use for myself because I'm the only one who knows how I feel... but could I possibly be demisexual? And what do I do now (apart from talking to my boyfriend about where I stand, which will most likely be happening soon)?

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Snusmumriken

As I always say, some people feel 'stress' to find a word that identifies him or her. Sexuality is not black or white, and may vary with time. If you are 'on the line', it might go to one or the other side, depending on the circustances. Sexuality is something very personal, and sometimes there is not accurate words to describe it fully precise.

I wouldn't worry about it, as long as you feel confortable and you are sure you want to share your life with your boyfriend. That's what you should care about.

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