Repost of my story

[ledisko]

I posted this yesterday on the temporary forum, but I might as well put it here not that we've moved, right? :) It had no comments and I doubt anyone's gonna read it over there now anyway. So here we go:

Sexuality is confusing! I'm struggling to even get my own thoughts together, but like many people here, I'm trying to wrap my head around what I'm feeling. I just hope someone can relate, knows what I'm feeling (tell me I'm not crazy!) or give some sort of "feedback". If anything, getting my thoughts out is always healthy thing

I have sexual attration to some degree, though I have no desire to actually have sex. I crush, I think about sex, I get horny. However, it's fun in my mind, doing it isn't fun. There have been very few instances where I at least had a little fun, some with climax (trying to keep it PG here, but we are talking about sex haha). I've been sexually active since I was about 15 and I've always felt out of place and the only thing that's running through my mind was "please get this over with". Forcing yourself to climax is not a fun experience and doesn't happen a lot of times (I do masturbate by the way, no problems there, just to rule out a physical problem). Naturally, I felt bad after these experiences and I thought something was wrong with me. Most times I broke up contact afterwards, any romantic feelings I had went away immediatly. I kept trying (not forcing it or anything, just not shying away from it if I met someone I liked), maybe it would get better, no one has amazing sex all the time anyway.

Obviously it didn't get better in 8 years time and now I haven't had sex in a year, so I'm starting to suspect something else is going on hahaha. Only recently I started learning about asexuality (and all other terms related) and instantly related to a lot I was reading. It also opened up a box with a huge amount of confusion and questions. I don't know if I never wanna have sex again, but I honestly can't imagine ever having a "regular" sex life. I do get horny, but I'm just really not into intercourse. I might be more on the gray area, I'm not sure.

On another note, as far as romantic relationships go, I've been in love with 2 guys and I've had crushes on girls. It's not easy figuring out wether you like girls, guys or both, while figuring out if you're (gray)asexual haha. The sexual attraction I was talking about earlier are usually directed at guys, so I started identifying as gay, I'm also more of a feminine guy as far as interests and such. I still get crushes on girls, though more in a "romantic" way. The confusing part to me is the fact that these feelings are so different from each other. I'm graying out all over the place! (Can we make that a thing haha)

Thanks for anyone who had the patience to read this long ass post, any thoughts and comments are appreciated!

[Lauren+Bear]

I pretty much went through the same thing when I realized I was asexual. You might be bi- or pan-romantic if you feel crushes or aesthetic attraction to both/all genders. Besides, labels are all superficial. The entire world is made up of alphabet soup (if that metaphor makes any sense to you... I'm on serious pain killers right now for my shoulder). Call yourself what feels right at the time. If your label changes, then, it changes. It isn't black and white... The entire world is shades of gray. You don't have to fit into the box of any one label.

[ledisko]

That's very true! Sexuality is becoming harder and harder to describe through labels, as gray area's are getting bigger. Thanks for the comment :)

[Snusmumriken]

Sexuality may vary with time, and I think this is a very clear case. In these circustances, the best thing is just 'feeling'. For example, maybe you fall in love with a boy, and everything works, although in theoretical terms, other options would be more favourable. Love and relationships are very difficult and don't always make sense!

Sexuality is only yours and you are unique. Don't feel 'bad' or 'strange' if those feelings are 'changing'. We change everyday. Getting happiness is what matters at the end.

[ledisko]

Wise words! This is why I'm happy I found this community, I had never seen this unique view on sexuality and it's definitly helping me to just be and be cool with that. Everything will fall into place in time :)

[Snusmumriken]

I think it's all about information. When you know all the possibilities, you don't consider yourself or someone else as 'weird', because what's happening to you or the other person is a valid possibility.

Most people only know about heterosexuality and homosexuality/bisexuality and, even in that case, they don't consider that as 'normal', when it could be around 10% of the population, so imagine all these options which could be around 1-2%.

Take into account that you have been brave enough to look into yourself to try to find an answer. Most people don't do that and feel lost and think a lot of things, when they shouldn't.

[ledisko]

And it's actually very interesting how this 1% experiences asexuality so differently, when -sexuality seems such a clean copy. Now I imagine heterosexuality could be as complicated (and possibly has a large gray part) as any other orientatien, but we're actually discussing it in amazing detail. Someone involved in sex studies would probably have a heart attack if they visited this forum haha, because of all it's diversity in a "handful" of people.

After being on this forum for few days and reading everyone's experiences and opinions, I'm good with just being in the gray area right now, and not really using any labels.