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Asexuals with A Sexual Partner


CatEyes

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Okay, so this is my first post and I am a very nervous about it. I just found out what asexuality is and that I am asexual. I am happy that I discovered AVEN and that I can identify with others. I have been questioning myself for years and could never understand why I was never sexually attracted to others (more visually and emotionally attracted), distanced myself from cuddling and kissing (unless I was seeking it out), and why sex always felt like a chore and really could care less about it. I really am looking for others who are dating or married to individuals who are highly sexual and who are very touchy. I have been with my boyfriend for over five years and we plan to get married one day, but we are also on the opposite spectrum. I have been trying to describe my feelings or lack of feelings towards sex, cuddling, and kissing to help him understand why sex is like a chore for me and how I do not see sex as love or love as sex, but it was not until a couple a days ago, after he started reading about asexuality, that he realized that I will always be this way. Since then he has been extremely understanding and supportive, especially because he now knows that it is not him. My concern is is it possible for a highly sexual individual that seeks out sex constantly or wants to always touch be married to an asexual individual? I will say since we have been dating I try to at least have sex once a week because I know it means so much to him emotionally and because I love him and want to make him happy, but it scares me later on in life he will want more.

I also just want to have a better understanding on the cuddling and kissing aspect too, because I have not read much on asexuals who are not big with neither cuddling or kissing. I just become so irritated at times when my b/f wants to cuddle or kiss and I hate it because I feel like I should at least be showing my love that way.

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purple_mayfly

Hi CatEyes. I've been with my husband for four years, married for two of the four. My husband is a very sexual person and is always wanting to touch and kiss and cuddle and everything else. We've got general rules established (finally!) that he usually abides by. Generally unless invited he's not "allowed" on the couch with me because this is my space. When I don't want to be touched or have things to do this is where I go. Like Sheldon Cooper I have MY SPOT and no one else is allowed in it and this extends to the whole couch unless I say otherwise.

My way of making sure he gets what he needs is we go to bed together every night and I usually end up laying on him until we both start to fall asleep, at which time I usually roll over onto my other side because it's more comfortable for me.

Granted it's not all paradise because sometimes he does get needy when I'm not in the mood (there's a huge ranty post on the back up board about THAT) but when things are going good it works out for us. We just have to try a little hard to be aware of each other's needs and wants. I don't mind cuddling but I prefer it on my terms...and right now I'm lucky because it's too dang hot for either of us to really WANT to cuddle much.lol

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I'm married, and we're still figuring out the details of what is okay and what isn't. I have to be absurdly careful with feelings (I say that, but I can understand, too, at least intellectually) and not sighing or making it sound too chore-y, even though it totally is. I never really realized until after I was married and obligated how many, many things in my life pieced together eloquently into this one 'asexual' thing. Oops. I've had plenty of things to attribute different behaviors to, never assuming it could be something as simple and, quite frankly, normal, as simply being asexual as an orientation. How long it's taken me is probably most people's primary contention with it, and I hold it's pretty complicated to sort out sometimes.

But in response,

On one hand, there are plenty of other chores I do without a peep, no matter how bothersome, but sex is not something I think should be treated with that sort of 'diligence', for men or for women. There's just too much baggage for it, so it comes down to something we talk about a lot, and that I will continue to talk about, rather than tell myself it's just something I have 'to do' just to be 'good'. This relationship is important to both of us, so it means a lot to us to power through this. I can't offer anything concrete right now other than how important it is to talk a lot - we don't have any hard feelings between us over its meaning or that it perplexes me, and I don't actually feel 'obligated', and that helps not feeling turned off, at least...! I feel anxious in a vague, general sense, not being normal or being able to just 'be normal' with my partner. I would like that for them, it would be Easier.

We as Asexuals specifically, and the greater 'queer&etc' community as a whole don't really have any long-standing social models to follow, rules of thumb or rote responses to make this easier for anyone yet, it's too new, that we/society/people acknowledge stuff like this and live our lives true to ourselves and not just bow to external pressures like previous generations. It just means we have to be the ones to figure out what is what at the end of the day by ourselves...

I joined AVEN hoping to find other people also on this finding journey, living life and discovering ways to live it, because we have to. Just wanted to share my perspective with someone in a similar boat...

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Feral_Sophisticate
but sex is not something I think should be treated with that sort of 'diligence', for men or for women. There's just too much baggage for it, so it comes down to something we talk about a lot, and that I will continue to talk about, rather than tell myself it's just something I have 'to do' just to be 'good'.

Your entire response is brilliant, but the above section, in particular, is bang on.

Thank you. :)

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My concern is is it possible for a highly sexual individual that seeks out sex constantly or wants to always touch be married to an asexual individual? I will say since we have been dating I try to at least have sex once a week because I know it means so much to him emotionally and because I love him and want to make him happy, but it scares me later on in life he will want more.

I also just want to have a better understanding on the cuddling and kissing aspect too, because I have not read much on asexuals who are not big with neither cuddling or kissing. I just become so irritated at times when my b/f wants to cuddle or kiss and I hate it because I feel like I should at least be showing my love that way.

I've been married to my wife for nearly 10 years. She is asexual, and I am sexual. She isn't too into kissing/cuddling/snuggling and I sure am.

It works for us though because we talk about what we want and need from our relationship. I have found ways to recognize her ways of showing her affection for me that aren't physical and in turn I have taken the time to focus on providing more of the things she finds intimately pleasing, like sudden brownies or regular trips to the book store.

If you BOTH (your SO included) are able to talk about your needs and differences and if you both are able to find things that fulfill you emotionally and physically then it could work. You MUST keep talking though. That has been our saving grace. It might be hard to be open with your rawest feelings and thoughts but it has worked out for us. YMMV.

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Thanks everyone for their responses!

I feel better about my relationship and who I am as an asexual. I really have been working on the communication part with my boyfriend and it has been working out well so far. He is very understanding and willing to compromise. At this time, I feel like we have grown closer this past week because this has been a burden for the both of us for the past five years, especially not knowing I was asexual and what asexuality was. Thank you again for listening to me and disclosing your experiences!

As a future mental health counselor, it is nice to have a better understanding of asexuality and how to help others who might be in the same situation.

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Hmmm. Could someone please explain to me why an asexual seeks out a sexual person for an intimate relationship? For me, the two concepts are antithetical.

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Hmmm. Could someone please explain to me why an asexual seeks out a sexual person for an intimate relationship? For me, the two concepts are antithetical.

Most asexuals do not know any other asexuals, for one, so it's hard to find a person IRL. For two, orientation doesn't mean someone is compatible or incompatible as far as deal breakers. For three, some of us were unaware of asexuality when the relationships began, you don't instantly have the information when society tells you "have sex, everyone likes it, just figure out what it is you like".

I have no desire for sex, but it also doesn't hurt me to have sex anymore than doing the dishes, or laundry. I let my partner choose for himself if he can handle sex on that basis, or if it's a deal breaker. He lets me decide if I can handle having sex, or if it's a deal breaker. Until it becomes a deal breaker for one or the other, why should orientation stop us from having a relationship? We are both aware one day it may, but then, one day any relationship may break apart. We also have plenty of other incompatibilities - I am a vegetarian, he isn't. He believes in God, I am more "Eh, I don't care if it exists or not". He likes LOUD music, it annoys me. He likes comedy, I don't. Sex is just another incompatibility that takes work, but as long as there is a middle ground (whatever that may be), why on earth should it matter?

And, to turn it about, you could also pose the question: Why do sexuals seek out asexual partners? ... It takes two (or more) to make a relationship.

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Hmmm. Could someone please explain to me why an asexual seeks out a sexual person for an intimate relationship? For me, the two concepts are antithetical.

Why would you think we deliberately seek them out? I'm over 60 and I've never met another asexual person in my life. I fell in love with two sexuals at a time when I had no idea asexuality existed. Give us a break.

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Hmmm. Could someone please explain to me why an asexual seeks out a sexual person for an intimate relationship? For me, the two concepts are antithetical.

Why would you think we deliberately seek them out? I'm over 60 and I've never met another asexual person in my life. I fell in love with two sexuals at a time when I had no idea asexuality existed. Give us a break.

You are so vitriolic, I am surprised that anyone would have you. Give me a break. I asked a question in innocence and you are ready to blow me away with a Smith & Wesson 500!

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Hmmm. Could someone please explain to me why an asexual seeks out a sexual person for an intimate relationship? For me, the two concepts are antithetical.

Most asexuals do not know any other asexuals, for one, so it's hard to find a person IRL. For two, orientation doesn't mean someone is compatible or incompatible as far as deal breakers. For three, some of us were unaware of asexuality when the relationships began, you don't instantly have the information when society tells you "have sex, everyone likes it, just figure out what it is you like".

I have no desire for sex, but it also doesn't hurt me to have sex anymore than doing the dishes, or laundry. I let my partner choose for himself if he can handle sex on that basis, or if it's a deal breaker. He lets me decide if I can handle having sex, or if it's a deal breaker. Until it becomes a deal breaker for one or the other, why should orientation stop us from having a relationship? We are both aware one day it may, but then, one day any relationship may break apart. We also have plenty of other incompatibilities - I am a vegetarian, he isn't. He believes in God, I am more "Eh, I don't care if it exists or not". He likes LOUD music, it annoys me. He likes comedy, I don't. Sex is just another incompatibility that takes work, but as long as there is a middle ground (whatever that may be), why on earth should it matter?

And, to turn it about, you could also pose the question: Why do sexuals seek out asexual partners? ... It takes two (or more) to make a relationship.

I am asking the question from an asexual point of view precisely because I am on an asexual website, not a sexual one. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

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Feral_Sophisticate

Hmmm. Could someone please explain to me why an asexual seeks out a sexual person for an intimate relationship? For me, the two concepts are antithetical.

I didn't seek out the person I'm with. We met, we hit it off, and since I wasn't (and still am not) obsessed with the sexual side of intimacy, we've become very close. The relationship evolved because what we were each looking for, we found in each other. What we each need in a relationship, we receive. Sex is not an absolute priority for me, and I'm sure I'm not the only sexual person to think that.

You'd be well served to stop expecting everyone to fit into comfy little niches. One sexual (or asexual) is not the same as another.

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Hmmm. Could someone please explain to me why an asexual seeks out a sexual person for an intimate relationship? For me, the two concepts are antithetical.

I didn't seek out the person I'm with. We met, we hit it off, and since I wasn't (and still am not) obsessed with the sexual side of intimacy, we've become very close. The relationship evolved because what we were each looking for, we found in each other. What we each need in a relationship, we receive. Sex is not an absolute priority for me, and I'm sure I'm not the only sexual person to think that.

You'd be well served to stop expecting everyone to fit into comfy little niches. One sexual (or asexual) is not the same as another.

I would be "well served" to follow my own dictates when it comes to my life. My statement was: "For me", the two concepts are antithetical---not for you or for anyone else. You and others ought do as you please. Additionally, you would be best served to stay in your own lane instead of telling random asexuals to conform to your non-asexual POV. What's next for you? To lecture to lesbians about how some of them like penis?

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Feral_Sophisticate

I love the hypocrisy of your responses. You castigate others for pushing their "agenda" or POV, and then expect yours to be accepted carte blanche.

You DO realise that AVEN is accepting of people of all sexualities - including sexual people - and that elitism (sexual or asexual) is specifically against the TOU, right?

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I love the hypocrisy of your responses. You castigate others for pushing their "agenda" or POV, and then expect yours to be accepted carte blanche.

You DO realise that AVEN is accepting of people of all sexualities - including sexual people - and that elitism (sexual or asexual) is specifically against the TOU, right?

Are you telling me that I don't have a right to my opinions? I should report you for harassing me about my post.

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Feral_Sophisticate

The hypocrisy continues.

Apparently, in your world, the only viewpoint that matters is your own.

Good luck with that.

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Attacking other members because of their opinions is not allowed on AVEN. If the attacks and snipping continues, this thread may be locked.

Lia

Administrator

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To respond to the OP - I am in a relationship with a sexual and I love them very much and want to spend my life with them, and I also worry about the frequency of sex and what expectations will be placed upon me. Sex once a week is more that we have and I don't know if I can keep up with the current rate we have sex in the years to come. I don't think there is anything you can do about this though. Obviously communication is key so you both know what is going on with the other person, but the fear of what may happen in the future can't be removed entirely cus you don't know what will happen in the future. I'm happy to gamble for it though.

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Hmmm. Could someone please explain to me why an asexual seeks out a sexual person for an intimate relationship? For me, the two concepts are antithetical.

Oh and to respond to this, it is mainly because a lot of asexual people still want intimate, romantic, loving relationships with other people and most people can't choose who they fall for. As others have mentioned it is hard to find other asexuals in real life so more often than not the person you fall in love with is going to be sexual.

Don't know if that helps :)

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