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Finding it hard to accept the truth


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I'm still really new to what asexuality is all about and what it means to me. And it was only last year that I realised that hey maybe I was asexual. But since I joined AVEN at the end of last year I told a few friends about it and they didn't really care or question it or ever bring it up again. And over time I just kind of moved on with life until recently when I started to question my sexuality again.

I know understand myself a lot better then last year. I know that I don't find people sexuality attractive only aestheticly attractive. That I'm perfectly fine with pleasing myself and only think about having sex (haven't ever had it) because I feel presured by the sexual norm. But when I do think about sex, kissing or any touching I usually cringe a little bit and certainly turn people down if I get approched.

On the other hand because I've always thought I should act and think a certain way, I'm super torn. Wanting to get into a sexual realationship mainly to try it but also because being alone scares me.

My question really is just how have people overcome the obsticales of growing up thinking your sexual when your not but you still want to be? If that makes sense.

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Well, for one, being single is not being alone. You still have your friends and family, and just because you don't date and don't want to date (or hook up or whatever) does not mean you are lonely. Ignore what society says what will make you happy, and do what you think will make you happy.

Don't try to force something just because you think society thinks you should. If you find someone you want to have sex with to experiment, go for it, but, don't try to force anything, nothing good will come of that.

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Well, for one, being single is not being alone. You still have your friends and family, and just because you don't date and don't want to date (or hook up or whatever) does not mean you are lonely. Ignore what society says what will make you happy, and do what you think will make you happy.

Don't try to force something just because you think society thinks you should. If you find someone you want to have sex with to experiment, go for it, but, don't try to force anything, nothing good will come of that.

Pretty much this.

Just because (dare I say) most people follow the norm, it doesn't mean you have to. Being single is actually a really good thing because you have the flexibility and freedom to go wherever you want to and do what you want. If you pick up a romantic partner along the way, that's perfectly fine too, no hinderances there since this is not about screaming babies 24/7/12/365.

Some people have a hard time accepting it. My friends embrace me for it (those I came out to) but my parents embrace me but I'm not fully convinced...yet.

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Thanks guys for the advice.

I know being single isn't the worst and I basically have the freedom to do anything I want without having to consider a partner. But in a way I still feel like I'm missing out on something, something all my friends have experienced already. You know you grow up seeing everyone else doing their thing and then theres you. I guess because I don't know any Asexuals and what their lives can look like? I can only base my expectations on what I've seen, if that makes sense?

As for other people accepting me.. like I said my friends I told didn't really get it and haven't ever brought it up again. And then as for my parents, I don't know how they would react, they aren't exactly accepting of people out of their christian standards.

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verily-forsooth-egads

Being asexual doesn't prevent you from having sex. If you think having the experience at some point would make you feel less like you're missing out on something, and you're comfortable with the idea, you're totally permitted to do that, even if it's just once in your life. Please don't take this as a recommendation one way or the other, just a reminder that you can.

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butterflydreams

Nothing wrong with trying anything out of curiosity I think. Definitely agree though that having all the messages and ideas floating around you all the time can make sorting stuff out difficult. Don't be afraid to take the time that you need to figure stuff out. It might take a while, but that's ok!

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I know I turn down relationships because I'm afraid they'll expect something of me that I can't or just am not ready to give. The "Hey, sexy lady!" approach does nothing but fill me with dread.

It could be that you don't want a relationship, and that's okay. It could be that the dating scene is just too sexually charged for you.

Just a thought.

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And then as for my parents, I don't know how they would react, they aren't exactly accepting of people out of their christian standards.

I'm in a similar situation, though I don't intend to ever come out to them. Most Christians are very marriage/family focused and can't conceive of why someone wouldn't want to get married. They conveniently ignore Matthew 19 and 1 Corinthians 7 which talk about it being good for some people not to marry. I know growing up when I first read those, it definitely resonated with me - but I was told that almost no one has "the gift of singleness". Many years later, I'm certain that this does describe me.

I mean, if I eventually do get married, that's cool too. But I don't see how is anyone's business. Parents sometimes assume what was good for them is good for their children; that or they just want grandkids. Either way, they ignore the fact that there's a minority of us that are not inclined toward sex.

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It could be that the dating scene is just too sexually charged for you.

This pretty much somes it up. Kind of wish I wasn't part of a generation who is so sexual. And I definitely am afraid of guys I might be interested in expecting me to sleep with them, or even kiss :/ Just because is expected.

And I cant stand when guys do the..

The "Hey, sexy lady!" approach does nothing but fill me with dread.

Its like yay the attention but at the same time, please don't touch me or try anything haha because we all know what they want and I don't want to waste their time.

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I find that online dating can be helpful. I have a profile up, and at the very top it states that I'm ace. Except for the random few who just don't read, it gets that out there. You know, for if you ever want to hang out in the dating scene.

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It's really hard to de-internalize an idea as forcefully promoted as the notion that the ideal for everyone is monogamous romantic/sexual partnership, especially since it's so culturally entrenched. We're in a bare minority-- 95% of people (in the US, at any rate) marry at some point in their lives... yeah. But that still leaves a lot of people, and as you get older there's some self-selection that takes place. Those interested in starting families will tend to escape to the suburbs or withdraw from a lot of social life, leaving behind lots of people who don't follow the 'relationship treadmill'. And, besides, never underestimate the value of free time: you have the chance to embark on whatever project or journey you want without having to coordinate with a partner or a family. It took three years of unhappiness and anxiety, plus a lot of painful realizations and soul-searching, but today I can say in all honesty that the prospect of being single for life is pretty damn liberating and exciting for me.

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heavenlydark

This has been a very helpful discussion. Glad you brought it up.

I'm somewhat in the same boat, with the unspoken demands to be in a relationship (where of course, sex is a given). I feel society doesn't have enough alternatives for companionship or physical affection that aren't in the dating/romantic relationship area. I've found it helpful to concentrate on forming good friendships, and making sure to hug them lots. Then again, I figure I still have time in my life, and future, to figure out something that will (as has been said before) make me happy, not what society says will.

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Online dating sounds like it would work well, that way people know straight away whats up. But how do people handle new relationships in person? Its not like one has a giant purple sticker saying Asexual ahaha

Clearly I've never dated or been in a relationship. So if anyone can share experiences of how they have handled it before?

This has been a very helpful discussion. Glad you brought it up.

I've found it helpful to concentrate on forming good friendships.

Also I'm glad this is helping others out :) Nice to know I'm not the only one in the boat. And as for friendships this seems like a good idea, focusing more on friends will help with the feeling of being alone.

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I discovered asexuality early this year and at first when I didn't really understand it or know much about it, it was confusing and I had a hard time identifying as asexual. Now even though I identify as asexual I still have thoughts like 'what if I didn't learn enough", "what if I'm just to innocent like everyone says" and I have thought about trying a sexual relationship but since I believe in sex after marriage it would be to late to change my mind by then so I always decide against it. Also I don't like even being kissed on the cheek by someone I like so I can see my self liking anything further than that. So just think of things like that and don't let society force things on you.

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When I first started reading your post, the first thing that popped into my head was how we share the same experiences and the same feelings when regarding "figuring it out". I have known since 2011 and I still find it very difficult to come to terms with, because like you, it can feel very isolating and it makes me feel very unsure about what it means for my future in relationships, or in general. Some days, I even find myself crying or getting very angry, but I know it's nothing I can change.

On my good days though, I come across another Ace either on AVEN, or Tumblr, or one of my phone apps (where I see a lot about asexuality mentions) and realize that in that respect, I am not alone and there are people who understand exactly how I feel, because they're going through it, or have gone through it, and it doesn't seem so scary or so "just me". I have a Christian family as well, a few of them being Jehovah's Wittnesses (my grandparents, my aunt who raised me, and her youngest daughter who is a year older than me) and when I told them, I was terrified. But I was shocked that they accepted it so quickly and so easily - my grandparents were the most quick to accept me out of all of them. Especialy when I told them (at the time) I was looking into SI options without a partner or getting married. In fact they were more upset when I told them I was following my heart with what my dad's family follow (Judaism) than they were about my being Ace, and they even got over that pretty quickly (unless I bring it up, then they preach about the difference. Lol.) My mom, is asexual, even though she doesn't understand the term very well (she put it down to SAD for many years until we had a talk about it once and she realized that she felt the same as me).

Not that I'm advising you to come out to your family, some can, some can't, but I did want to say it's okay to be scared, it's okay to feel a bit "lost" and small inside a world that it filled with the idea that "we must have sex". Some people base entire social conversations on their active sex-life, and then as you said, we just sit there in our circles and realize that that doesn't sound like us...but we want it to be, because before we realized what it actually is, we think we are sexual but "a different kind".

Also, I wanted to say "hello", because it seems we are in the same city. :P and I got really happily amused in the middle of reading this thread when I glanced over and saw your location. Lol.

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