Kink, BDSM, and Cake

[Guest]

Okay awesome! Sorry to come across all intense, I just get concerned when it comes to this sort of thing, as some people who believe they are practicing BDSM can unknowingly just be experiencing abuse (which is why the BDSM community was so appalled at 50 Shades of Grey) ..The emoticon mainly worried me, but now that you've explained it I understand what you meant! ^_^

[Pen Given Ink]

Oh no no. That's perfectly fine. It's a good thing. I appreciate it loads. Paul's wonderful. He's very patient and makes things very very clear. :)

Okay awesome! Sorry to come across all intense, I just get concerned when it comes to this sort of thing, as some people who believe they are practicing BDSM can often unknowingly just be experiencing abuse (which is why the BDSM community was so appalled at 50 Shades of Grey) ..The emoticon mainly worried but now that you've explained it I understand what you meant! ^_^

[damage_case]

Can someone be asexual and still find certain transgender females attractive? Or even interested in them in a sexual way? Or as an image they would be aroused by?

Is that a fetish? Kinky? A female body with certain 'extra'?

[God of the Forest]

Can someone be asexual and still find certain transgender females attractive? Or even interested in them in a sexual way? Or as an image they would be aroused by?

Is that a fetish? Kinky? A female body with certain 'extra'?

Yes for sure as I feel that way towards female to male trans men..well not the sexual part.. I don't know why I do but I just really have a thing for them..there is something so..I can't even describe..basically if my partner ended up being a female to male trans man...just gah! Though I don't really consider that a fetish, more like a type, like blondes to brunettes.

[Guest]

Can someone be asexual and still find certain transgender females attractive? Or even interested in them in a sexual way? Or as an image they would be aroused by?

Is that a fetish? Kinky? A female body with certain 'extra'?

Yes for sure as I feel that way towards female to male trans men..well not the sexual part.. I don't know why I do but I just really have a thing for them..there is something so..I can't even describe..basically if my partner ended up being a female to male trans man...just gah! Though I don't really consider that a fetish, more like a type, like blondes to brunettes.

Yeah my ''type'' is penis, regardless of gender. That's when it comes to ''meat'' (ie non-fictional) people. For fictional people,I am pan (hence, PanFicto) ..but yeah, I personally find transwomen (pre-genital op) utterly, amazingly sexy. I get that this probably makes me extremely shallow (my preference for a penis, regardless of gender.. despite the fact that I have no enjoyment of sex haha - don't put that penis inside me!) but.. I just can't help how I feel. However, that's not a fetish to me, it's just a type 'preference' ..Like you said, how some prefer blondes to brunettes. And then there is the fact that aesthetically, I have a strong preference for women. I just don't want to be intimate with women.. I am weird.

[Ricecream-man]

It's all good. xD Take as much time as you need, there isn't any rush on it or anything.

That would be awesome. xD Currently I only have my boyfriend and girlfriend on their. I'm iffy on adding people to be honest, unless they were from here, then it'd be simpler and easier. I've only been exploring this side of me recently ( within the past two months ).

Okay. So Hi.

I'm a sex-positive Ace and I have a really close friend who was willing to help me explore my sexuality and my limitations within my own sexuality. We decided to try some sub/dom stuff, and she tied me down to the bed. And basically not really 'enjoying' the situation (when it comes to sex i'm kinda just there). she was getting super frustrated by my non-action, and it was funny because it was just a super ace thing to just, like be a bad a sub or something. xD

and that's my kinkiest sex story. Yes, I'm vanilla but I thought a few of you more adventurous people would enjoy it.

Being a ''bad'' (or good) dom or sub is nothing about being asexual :o ..It's just whether or not a person enjoys that, regardless of their sexual orientation. BDSM is actually not necessarily integrally linked with sex; sex is just a part of BDSM if both partners desire and enjoy that. There are plenty of sexual people who completely separate their BDSM practice from their sex life, so obviously asexuals can also enjoy BDSM with no sex involved ever, if they meet a partner who is happy to accommodate that need ^_^

I'm actually quite new to this. So it's a bit awkward for me. I recently joined fetlife ( can't remember how long ago, but not long ) I'm PaganRain. And yep, this is awkward. xD I don't really know exactly what to say, haha.

I got guilty and deleted my account as I am seeing someone, but will probably re-open it and just take down all the nudes :P (or not, I'd have to talk to my ace beforehand to see what they are comfortable with) ..But anyway, if I join again, we can be friends on there if you'd want ^_^

Also, I will reply to you, I just overwhelmed by private contact so need to work myself up for it, totally not ignoring you though!!

I had like 4000 ''friends'' but they were just people who added me because they wanted to get pictures and writing updates and things, and it seems worthwhile for if I wanted to start selling images again (that's allowed on FetLife if you go about it the right way) so it seemed wise financially to have so many people subscribed to updates from me. I never give out my info here because AVEN is ''personal'' and fetlife for me is more a professional thing. I don't want people who know my personal thoughts and feelings to also know what I look like naked haha, only one person is allowed full access to all that :lol: ..But I'd give my account to you if I reactivate/make a new one, because you're a female (no offense guys!) and we do know each otherish :P

What? That hurts PanFicto, after all those arguments we've had, that I would be disqualified based on my gender T-T

(Just teasing. Good to see you back)

Can someone be asexual and still find certain transgender females attractive? Or even interested in them in a sexual way? Or as an image they would be aroused by?

Is that a fetish? Kinky? A female body with certain 'extra'?

Mmm that would depend on what you mean by interested in them in a sexual way. That may be your sexual preference or it could be a fetish. That kind of thing is always right up in the grey area and makes things a bit confusing.

Absolutely nothing wrong with it though. Quite the active following for that.

I personally find androgyny aesthetically appealing for some reason or another, so all kinds of things out there.

[deleted_account]

deleted

[Ricecream-man]

Hey! I don't know if I responded to this post yet.

I'm involved in BDSM to some extent and have been since ~2009, when I went to my first munch. I'm primarily a masochist. I like abrasion play, foot fetishism, bondage, fetish-wear, body modification, and kinky roleplay. I also enjoy emotional/psychological sadism, including emotional degradation and humiliation.

In my work as a dominatrix, I am just doing sadist stuff, because it's less risky. In the past, I was an exotic dancer, and I wore a lot of fetish-wear to work as it got the best responses out of my customers.

Despite all of this, I still am an asexual, but I'm not very "out" in the BDSM community about it because I feel that most people there see kink as a sexual activity, whereas for me it's about the endorphin rush, creative expression, and the feeling of seeing what my body is capable of.

I'm right there with you. While my closest friends know about it I don't really go out explaining it to people because it leads to a bit of backlash. Quite a few people assume asexual = prudish. I'm a switch so it's not too big of a deal but I know of a few asexual men who have been dismissed as not dominant/masculine because people assume asexuality = lack of testosterone = unable to b dominant.

Both on fet and locally it seems that a lot of people see the ultimate purpose of kink as being tied to sexuality. While most I know don't associate kink with sex, they still seem to often associate kinky relationships with kinkier sex in the end.

[m4rble]

Hey! I don't know if I responded to this post yet.

I'm involved in BDSM to some extent and have been since ~2009, when I went to my first munch. I'm primarily a masochist. I like abrasion play, foot fetishism, bondage, fetish-wear, body modification, and kinky roleplay. I also enjoy emotional/psychological sadism, including emotional degradation and humiliation.

In my work as a dominatrix, I am just doing sadist stuff, because it's less risky. In the past, I was an exotic dancer, and I wore a lot of fetish-wear to work as it got the best responses out of my customers.

Despite all of this, I still am an asexual, but I'm not very "out" in the BDSM community about it because I feel that most people there see kink as a sexual activity, whereas for me it's about the endorphin rush, creative expression, and the feeling of seeing what my body is capable of.

I'm right there with you. While my closest friends know about it I don't really go out explaining it to people because it leads to a bit of backlash. Quite a few people assume asexual = prudish. I'm a switch so it's not too big of a deal but I know of a few asexual men who have been dismissed as not dominant/masculine because people assume asexuality = lack of testosterone = unable to b dominant.

Both on fet and locally it seems that a lot of people see the ultimate purpose of kink as being tied to sexuality. While most I know don't associate kink with sex, they still seem to often associate kinky relationships with kinkier sex in the end.

That sucks. It sounds like they have some fundamental misunderstandings about asexuality.

[Winter Holly]

Wow, cuddling and tickling are fetishes? If so, then I'm vanilla-averse. Nope, not even interested in vanilla, it's all kinky all the time for me. :D

Okay, seriously, my place in the ace continuum is such that most of the stuff I've stumbled across about safety protocols for scening sounds applicable to sexuality for me, in addition to a very impressive development of empathic skills. I'm kink-curious, increasingly so as that curiosity leads me to read more and especially now that I'm becoming relatively psychologically stable, and think I might be ready to approach the kink scene and, after I know what I'm into, romantic relationships (for some but definitely not all concepts of "romantic") and likely become open to sexual interaction.

Feeling safe with some one, being able to trust them, feels absolutely wonderful and I want to explore more experiences like that, so I'm curious about D/s stuff, especially now that I've spent the last couple of years bringing out my inner bitch in order to secure my boundaries in a hostile work environment; the idea of letting some one else drive for a while sounds really cathartic AND exquisitely intimate AND novel! Also, the idea of holding a safe space for some one where they can explore thoughts and feelings and fantasies sounds like a supreme power trip and I kinda hope I grow to be capable of handling that. Either way, lots and lots of deep communication and openness and attentiveness and sensistivity and I'm feeling like I'm full of butterflies just thinking about it. Haha, the input thingy, whatever it's called, is ":wub:" for that smiley.

I enjoy sleep paralysis on those rare occasions I experience it while conscious, so I hope I find a playmate who is into light bondage, but D/s is what I'm really curious about.

NOPE items for me:

intense pain play (Haha, I'm such a wuss.)

scat, pee, etc.

rape and/or violence scenes (I've relived memories of that plenty enough, thank you, I'm done with that.)

age play mixed with sex (as above)

breathing restriction (as above)

anything involving any one who's not yet a very intimate, deeply trusted friend

I don't know how kink and sexuality might interact for me, but I'm not averse to any of the possibilities since I find it hard to imagine myself being open to one but not the other with some one. They seem to require about the same impedance match, despite that I'm actively interested in exploring power exchange but only positively receptive to the idea of a sexual relationship. Haha, the puns are a happy accident.

Community Discussion:

Since we've seen a lot of traffic from people new to the lifestyle, I'd like to ask you all where you'd like to see this topic go. Would you like to see 1) more education on different fetishes and kinks, 2) more tips on how to navigate the kinky lifestyle safely, or 3) more personal experiences from people already in the lifestyle? And why?

As always, death by chocolate for everyone!

Ooh, definitely 1) for finding moar stuff peops might be interested in and 2) because it's essential. Of course, 3) can be good for both of the others. I'm planning on stopping at my local adult novelites boutique at next convenience to ask if the ladies there know of any local groups that have frequent munches, and considering contacting two therapists I have had counseling sessions with in the past to see if they have any leads. If possible, I'm not even gonna bother with online networks, I feel much more comfortable with groups that meet in tangiworld, with their IRL corpi and faces and stuff. I kinda suspect the scene draws a disproportionate share of creeps due to all the stigmatisation and prurient fantasies and crap, so I'm inclined to be picky about only meeting new peops in-person, in a public space, in a group mostly of long-time regulars.

[mrcrowley23]

hey everyone.

So I've been struggling my whole life to determine my sexual orientation. And this site, this thread, is a godsend to someone like me.

I consider myself more or less, an asexual fetishist, with hetero-romantic fantasies. But all my life I've never been interested in sex. With anyone. All that got me going were my fetishes and fantaises and I thought something was wrong with me.

Well knowing there are others like me has made me so much happier. I was just wondering if you all could give some advice.

I'm into age play, crossdressing, latex, bondage, and other BDSM stuff, all with the woman as the dom and me as the submissive. In real life no one would guess it, but I always envision myself as the sub in the bedroom.

Does anyone else sympathize with this? Or know where I could find someone who is into this with me?

[mrcrowley23]

Does my story/situation resonate with anyone?

[Evelweevil]

Being a kinky gray/demi/a/sexual makes perfect sense, if one understands that sexual gratification can be achieved without need for physical sexual attraction and/or sexual intercourse.

I have found that I never liked sex for the sake of sex, but I am into certain BDSM (Sub/Masochistic) things like being on the receiving end of degradation. What can be more degrading to someone who dislikes sex, than sex?

There are lots of things, but you get the idea.

The way it has been for me is I rarely enjoyed intercourse with male or female, top or bottom. That lack of satisfaction has been pronounced even more since I started HRT. Gratification, to me, is found in extreme physical and/or emotional tension, discomfort, etc followed by something soothing or rewarding afterwards. An orgasm generated from the genitals is essentially that: a period of agitation/stimulation/built up tension followed by release. For example, a full relaxing massage after a sound spanking can feel orgasmic without the "vanilla" orgasm, a cool drink after a workout can be pleasurably beyond measure, all that. It's why I have always been drawn to martial arts, as it is a way to indulge in a masochistic outlet.

The other ways I relieve sexual tension without sex is writing, cooking, eating very spicy foods, and swimming in cold water/taking a super-hot shower. It is quite possible to get sexual release without sexual attraction or stimulating the anus and/or genitals, if that makes any sense.

Sex, I have found for those who attempt to interact with me, is only for people with a limited imagination, putting extreme limitations on how/where to give an orgasm.

"Let's have sex!"?

*yawn

[ninive]

Some of the things I'd like to try are probably considered kinky.

Like I've always wanted to pour wax over a naked girl's body or something that I recently discovered is called 'pegging', but I've had zero relationships so far so I didn't even have the chance to ask.

[LadyMeow]

Hello! It's so nice to see that there are other kinky asexuals. I was near ready to deny that I had a few kinks of my own. I'm into pet play - more specifically kitten play. I'm actually fairly new to it, so I've yet to really discover my inner kitten's personality.

I also have a few other kinks such as knife play and blood play. There's probably quite a few more, I just haven't been with the right person to be able to fully explore my kinks, and I've been too shy to actually approach the topic with potential partners.

[mrcrowley23]

Okay awesome! Sorry to come across all intense, I just get concerned when it comes to this sort of thing, as some people who believe they are practicing BDSM can unknowingly just be experiencing abuse (which is why the BDSM community was so appalled at 50 Shades of Grey) ..The emoticon mainly worried me, but now that you've explained it I understand what you meant! ^_^

What's BDSM like anyway? I really want to experience it but never have had the opportunity.

[Winter Holly]

It's very personal, as in, it varies from person to person. There are gobs and gobs of different types of play, of course, but there are different headspaces we can get into, and those are very individual.

I returned to this thread because I just attended my first play space event, and wish to share how much fun I had. I just flooding love the respect for people, for boundaries, for limits, for our dignity. I ended up stripping down to my birthday suit to try some flogging and other sensation play, with lotsa peops I was meeting or the first time, which I'd never dream of doing in a cis-dyadic-allo-het-vanilla space. I had all my dysphoric bits (pre-op transsexual woman, no cosmetic response to HRT) just hanging out there, and no one had any problem with my pronouns! I have found my people. The cherry on top is that I had a paddle broken on my bony butt, at my very first BDSM party! That's a souvenir and story I'm gonna cherish, for sure.

I also got to try being tied up so I can squirm and giggle, trying unsuccessfully to get from the floor onto a chair- it was a huge blast, I made a new friend, and I'm going to a rope workshop soon. I got to be tickled like I've never been tickled before, I had to ask for a break to catch my breath and burp up some of the air I swallowed from laughing, and I even got to top just a wee bit for some one into a particular type of sensation play, which gives me the confirmation I was hoping for that I have the capacity to be a switch. =^.^=

[mfalcon]

Well, here I am.. finally with some people like me. I feel like I have my fetish as my only sexual orientation, so I consider myself asexual. My fetish is a shoe fetish, for men's shoes specifically. Not all shoes and not from all men though.. I've got this crazy thing, that is my sex drive, because some experiences that I've had as a child, I think. It's very tough for me to live like this, having fantasies about people shoes and stuff, but I'm trying to do my best to adapt myself in society. It's possible, but also very complicated. Sometimes you feel like you're a monster and super confused, it's very hard to explain to others what this is like or have a fetish approach, even indirectly ("may I see/have your shoe?"). But sometimes it's important to open yourself about it and try to explain to people about this too. I'm glad that I'm not alone and there are others that lack of sexual attraction, but have fetishes. Bye to all!

[noneofyourbusiness]

...

[noneofyourbusiness]

I'm an ace/aro fetishist, but I'm not an active kinkster and I'm still working to come to terms with what my fetish means for me.

A message to my younger self (and to anyone who is in a similar boat to the one I was in 1-2 years ago):

- You don't need to feel conflicted about your kink. It's a natural part of you, and anyone who makes you feel bad about that is a massive tool.

- Being kinky doesn't invalidate your asexuality

- You don't need to have sex if you don't want to. You can do kink without sex.

- There is a big community of kinky people out there who aren't weird, they're not scary, they're just normal everyday people who happen to have kinks. They're just normal people. They're pretty much like your vanilla friends. They just happen to also be kinky. Like you are.

- The kink community is incredibly diverse (different kinks, different genders (more than two!), different sexualities). These people will respect your orientation.

- Kinky people make great friends. You will end up introducing a number of them into your vanilla life.

- You don't really understand what it means yet, but there's a thing called emotional connection which you'll find with some of these people. Trust me, it's good.

And I will end by saying - you're bloody lucky that you're kinky. I'll repeat that, you're bloody lucky. Now stop feeling ashamed of it!

Christ. Thank you for this. Oh, to be able to share this with my younger self...

[Lines]

This is the sort of topic that has made me doubt the fact that I just might be asexual.

I have my kinks. I have fetishes. I am interested in BDSM. I experiment on myself at times but I have never done it with another person. I thought along the lines of how could I be asexual if I have these kinks/fetishes? Reading a few pages of this thread and it feels a lot clearer and I realized that a lot of my fantasies doesn't necessarily have to involve sex to be fully experienced.

[the bumbling rotifer]

I'm into age play, crossdressing, latex, bondage, and other BDSM stuff, all with the woman as the dom and me as the submissive. In real life no one would guess it, but I always envision myself as the sub in the bedroom.

Does anyone else sympathize with this? Or know where I could find someone who is into this with me?

Apologies for the belated response mrcrowley, but I'd recommend joining fetlife, if you haven't already, and looking for events near to you. A munch would be a good place to start, if you've not been to one before. :)

Fetlife is a little... graphic, particularly in its advertising and popular photos page, but after a little while you get used to this and just mentally screen out any images you would rather not see. Fetlife is really good for finding events and for keeping in touch with people you've met at munches; it pretty much functions as a kinksters' facebook.

Best of luck!

[Guest]

FetLife is going to be invite only soon, so you'll only be able to join if someone from FetLife sends you an invite. Each paying member gets 3 invites for every 6 months of paid membership, or 24 invites for a lifetime membership.

[Guest]

Hopefully that encourages idiots on FetLife to behave themselves.. if they get banned they can't just make a new account and continue their shitty behaviour. Win/win for serious users of the site.

[Lines]

FetLife is going to be invite only soon, so you'll only be able to join if someone from FetLife sends you an invite. Each paying member gets 3 invites for every 6 months of paid membership, or 24 invites for a lifetime membership.

It is? When will that happen?

I was thinking of signing up, perhaps now would be a good time.

[Guest]

FetLife is going to be invite only soon, so you'll only be able to join if someone from FetLife sends you an invite. Each paying member gets 3 invites for every 6 months of paid membership, or 24 invites for a lifetime membership.

It is? When will that happen?

I was thinking of signing up, perhaps now would be a good time.

I actually thought it had happened already but not 100% sure. Try, and see what happens.

[LadyMeow]

FetLife is going to be invite only soon, so you'll only be able to join if someone from FetLife sends you an invite. Each paying member gets 3 invites for every 6 months of paid membership, or 24 invites for a lifetime membership.

It is? When will that happen?

I was thinking of signing up, perhaps now would be a good time.

It's already happened. However, they just recently got an alternative to getting an invite. If you're willing, you can verify by a one-time anonymous text.

[Guest]

FetLife is going to be invite only soon, so you'll only be able to join if someone from FetLife sends you an invite. Each paying member gets 3 invites for every 6 months of paid membership, or 24 invites for a lifetime membership.

It is? When will that happen?

I was thinking of signing up, perhaps now would be a good time.

It's already happened. However, they just recently got an alternative to getting an invite. If you're willing, you can verify by a one-time anonymous text.

Oh I'm guessing you can do that as many times as you can make a new gmaiI address and get a new SIM with a different number. That's sad. I was happy for the increased protection Invite OnIy wouId have given the women and the content they share on FetIife.

[Smoggy]

Is Fetlife going to start charging for membership? I've not heard anything about this, and they certainly have not asked me for any money.

[borealmist]

Is Fetlife going to start charging for membership? I've not heard anything about this, and they certainly have not asked me for any money.

The option to support fetlife by being a paying member has existed for quite some time.