Kink, BDSM, and Cake

[Gotsu]

To Lazo's post I would add, some of us subs are just "wired funny" and pain doesn't really register as pain. Add someone with sensory issues, I require strong sensations for my mental and emotional well being. The physical aspects of BDSM are one way to get it (but not the only way, and before I understood what sensory dysfunction was, I did things that were far more harmful in order to get the sensations that I craved.)

I always believed that BDSM has very little to do with pain. The fact that some people want to "serve" or feel "helpless" doesn't necessarily involve painful activities of any kind. I'm not saying that it doesn't have to, but there's a difference between a dominant and an abusive. There's a reason why we have "safe words" and its because the dominant cares about the safety of the subs.

So here is where I ask to the subs, is it a slap in the face painful when you are ok with it and you feel comfortable with your dominant? Probably not, isn't? But what when you do not feel safe with your dominant, does it feel painful then?

[Lazo]

To Lazo's post I would add, some of us subs are just "wired funny" and pain doesn't really register as pain. Add someone with sensory issues, I require strong sensations for my mental and emotional well being. The physical aspects of BDSM are one way to get it (but not the only way, and before I understood what sensory dysfunction was, I did things that were far more harmful in order to get the sensations that I craved.)

I always believed that BDSM has very little to do with pain. The fact that some people want to "serve" or feel "helpless" doesn't necessarily involve painful activities of any kind. I'm not saying that it doesn't have to, but there's a difference between a dominant and an abusive. There's a reason why we have "safe words" and its because the dominant cares about the safety of the subs.

So here is where I ask to the subs, is it a slap in the face painful when you are ok with it and you feel comfortable with your dominant? Probably not, isn't? But what when you do not feel safe with your dominant, does it feel painful then?

BDSM is an umbrella term, and it encompasses a broad range of activities. The 'SM' part of BDSM refers to sadomasochistic practices, while the BD part is about bondage, domination, and discipline. I don't think it's fair to say that BDSM has very little to do with pain, because by its very definition, acts involving giving and receiving pain in order to derive pleasure fall under the scope of BDSM.

That said, people have very individual preferences when it comes to BDSM. Some people avoid incorporating pain into their play, perhaps choosing bondage or sensual domination instead. Others can't imagine the thought of not involving pain. In both cases, BDSM is being practiced, and neither party is getting it right or wrong.

As for the difference between dominant and abusive, I couldn't agree more that there absolutely is one. And it's unfortunate that abuse masquerades as BDSM in some relationships. I know that some people view dominance as a way to exploit, bully, or manipulate others; in some cases it is seen as a 'hack' to quickly get one's own way and pursue selfish interests. True D/s is of course anything but. More responsibility falls on the Dom(me) than on the sub, and a lot of care is required to ensure that sub reaches the space they seek out, while being careful that they don't overstep the mark and go into dangerous territory. BDSM can cause intense emotions to rise to the surface, and if they're not treated with the respect they deserve they can blow up in your face. Sub-drop comes to mind.

Concerning your question, I'm not certain I understand what your'e getting at. If the slap is given with sufficient force, it will be physically painful on both occasions. Your body may undergo physical trauma on both occasions, and so certain processes may be triggered in each case, as the body deals with the event. The difference is that in the case where you have a good connection with your dominant, you won't suffer due to the pain. You'll enjoy it, because physical pain won't translate into suffering. In the case where your connection with the dominant is not so good, the pain may no longer appeal. In that case, the masochist might end up suffering due to the pain because the masochist will typically not be able to maintain a healthy frame of mind if they feel that they can't trust their dominant.

[borealmist]

I always believed that BDSM has very little to do with pain. The fact that some people want to "serve" or feel "helpless" doesn't necessarily involve painful activities of any kind. I'm not saying that it doesn't have to, but there's a difference between a dominant and an abusive.

It's different for different people. I'm much more into the S/M aspects than the D/s aspects. I enjoy fear and pain, they make me feel alive and present, creating a focus on the here and now. Afterwards, they also create a sense of... pride... of indelible experiences, challenges to myself.

The D/s aspects can sometimes be fun, but more as part of a scene than something I could enjoy long term. I'm far too much of an individualist and much too attached to independence and equality for that to work for me.

I have some suspicions about the brain chemistry around that; having issues with ADD I tend to replace dopamine with adrenaline as a pathway to (general) arousal and motivation and using endorphins as an alternate reward pathway in other activities as well, so compensating here as well wouldn't really be out of character.

[Dumbledore]

Ahhh this thread is so wonderful, thank you to the person who messaged me with the tip ;)

Any ace AND aro (or just aromantic) people out there willing to have a little chat with my surrounding the lovely relationship between bdsm, a redeveloping relationship with an ex, and the feelings I have for him that aren't platonic but not romantic either? I've tried explaining it to him in my own words, but I really need him to understand what my identity is all about so there's no hurt feelings (again)

[Ricecream-man]

To Lazo's post I would add, some of us subs are just "wired funny" and pain doesn't really register as pain. Add someone with sensory issues, I require strong sensations for my mental and emotional well being. The physical aspects of BDSM are one way to get it (but not the only way, and before I understood what sensory dysfunction was, I did things that were far more harmful in order to get the sensations that I craved.)

I always believed that BDSM has very little to do with pain. The fact that some people want to "serve" or feel "helpless" doesn't necessarily involve painful activities of any kind. I'm not saying that it doesn't have to, but there's a difference between a dominant and an abusive. There's a reason why we have "safe words" and its because the dominant cares about the safety of the subs.

So here is where I ask to the subs, is it a slap in the face painful when you are ok with it and you feel comfortable with your dominant? Probably not, isn't? But what when you do not feel safe with your dominant, does it feel painful then?

D/s has nothing to do with pain.

S/M on the other hand has a lot to do with it. It's not exclusively pain (i.e. messing with people's minds. [i.e. letting the air from a whip brush across your back or crack next to your ear or whispering things that you could do to someone while you have them tied up in shibari])

You're right that the concept behind a healthy D/s relationship is that the dominant has the subs health and best interests in mind, that the dominant will take care of the submissive's needs if not their wants. However,

So here is where I ask to the subs, is it a slap in the face painful when you are ok with it and you feel comfortable with your dominant? Probably not, isn't? But what when you do not feel safe with your dominant, does it feel painful then?

That's not true at all. Unless you're wired differently like Ms.Frankenstein said, (think beserkers or the types of people who get a euphoric giggle from pain. Trust me they exist. I'm friends with a few) or you're in sub space if your dominant hits you hard in the face it's still going to hurt. The pain and the physical sensations don't change just because it's your dominant hitting you.

It's the emotional aspects that color and filter that pain. For those into the humiliation/degradation dynamic that slap could be exciting from that aspect. From a masochistic dynamic the sensation alone can be fun. From a D/s perspective, it could be a relief knowing that you've been "punished" and forgiven, a sense of security in knowing that you're owned, or even a giddy sense of closeness from the fact that you know you only allow it because of your bond and your dominant would only do it because he/she/they know that you'll take it in a positive manner.

If they hit you hard it'll still hurt like all hell. That doesn't change no matter what the relationship is. It's the feelings. The thoughts. The reactions that follow that are what make it worthwhile in a proper bdsm relationship.

[Gotsu]

So here is where I ask to the subs, is it a slap in the face painful when you are ok with it and you feel comfortable with your dominant? Probably not, isn't? But what when you do not feel safe with your dominant, does it feel painful then?

That's not true at all. Unless you're wired differently like Ms.Frankenstein said, (think beserkers or the types of people who get a euphoric giggle from pain. Trust me they exist. I'm friends with a few) or you're in sub space if your dominant hits you hard in the face it's still going to hurt. The pain and the physical sensations don't change just because it's your dominant hitting you.

Yea... it was a rhetorical question. I guess I didn't explain myself well enough.

[Ricecream-man]

So here is where I ask to the subs, is it a slap in the face painful when you are ok with it and you feel comfortable with your dominant? Probably not, isn't? But what when you do not feel safe with your dominant, does it feel painful then?

That's not true at all. Unless you're wired differently like Ms.Frankenstein said, (think beserkers or the types of people who get a euphoric giggle from pain. Trust me they exist. I'm friends with a few) or you're in sub space if your dominant hits you hard in the face it's still going to hurt. The pain and the physical sensations don't change just because it's your dominant hitting you.

Yea... it was a rhetorical question. I guess I didn't explain myself well enough.

That wasn't meant as a dig at you in any way. I understood that it was a rhetorical question.

The point of my response was to say that being in a d/s relationship isn't some magical better than vanilla experience where all of a sudden everything is perfect and things don't even really hurt anymore. Just like a vanilla one it requires communication, respect, and trust.

The biggest thing (besides all the fun stuff) that I think bdsm allows for beyond a vanilla relationship is that it gives you more opportunities to establish that trust and respect, and to a degree forces you to communicate. It simply gives you the chance to speed up the process that could normally take years.

You also have to keep in mind that more opportunities to create trust means that there are just as many opportunities to break it. A double edged sword if you will.

The key again, lies within communication.

*steps down from soap box*

[Dendritic Trees]

I've been lurking around this thread for months and months but I'm just now working up the nerve to post.

I'm ace and I've had what I now realize are kinks for ages, but I've only recently realized that they actually 'count' as kinky. I'm still kind of baffled by the terminology, but I think what I like would be classified as praise and maybe service submission. Like having someone tie me up, or give me things to do, and then look after me and tell me I've done a good job. (Hurt/Comfort fanfiction basically, which incidentally was how I was introduced to it)

I'm not really up to engaging with the actual real-life kink community right now, both mentally/emotionally but also time/energy wise. What I was wondering was does anyone have advice about how to find stories/reading material. I've tried AO3 which was suggested upthread, and more or less exhausted the content/fandoms I'm interested in, but I'm not sure how to go about finding non-sexual erotica, or even if that is a thing that actually exists.

[scordatura]

I am kinky! I'm a masochist and switch. Certain types of pain (in the right context) are actually relaxing for me, like hair-pulling and flogging. I used to be active in the local scene before I got married. One nice thing about public play spaces is that you aren't expected to have sex during a public scene. You can play and then go home alone if you want. Hm. Maybe I should check out the scene again...

[Feral_Sophisticate]

For various reasons, I will be leaving AVEN in the near future. It's not that I dislike it here, more that I have a lot of personal stuff going on, and I simply haven't the time or energy to remain.

This who wish to stay in contact should look me up on FetLife. The link is in my profile (and I go by the same name there, anyway).

*waves*

[♦ Cake Enthusiast ♦]

Hello, I already was here some time ago, I think, yet I wasn't quite able to keep up with the conversation.
Could anyone be so nice as to give me the shortcut of everything I need to know to join right in again?

Or should I introduce myself a second time?

[Dreams579]

*waves hello* whilst I've only recently come to realise that I'm at the very least gray-ace, I've known I'm submissive and love bondage since before I can even remember, it's just always been there, a central pillar underpinning my whole life - even if I've always kept it very deeply hidden. I was always the one getting tied up when I was a kid you know! It's just always been there.

It's taken me a lot longer to realise that though I'm kinky through and through, it's never been the sexual side of things that I wanted. Bondage arouses me, but it's certainly not the sex side of it that I think about. It's the sensual and psychological/emotional side of things that has always really intrigued me and drawn me in. I've just never really had the courage to do anything about it, maybe soon but it always feels such a big daunting step entering a new scene when you are by yourself

Always happy to chat and discuss bdsm things and any tips for a gentle intro to the scene in real life gladly received!

[Guest]

It's strange but in real life I don't feel any need to practice BDSM but sometimes I have dreams or (rarely) fantasies in participating in such activities. There is a one figure I liked in the past but now I don't anymore but still feel a kind of affection to him. Sometimes I use to fantasize that he punishes me by practicing all these kinky things. In general I'm a dominant person but in those fantasies I'm submissive. I also have this kind of fantasies on other figures but they are not so often so I don't care much about them but they sound so exciting.

TMI warning

This night I had a dream about two figures who I really like and I practiced a kind BDSM with them. It looked strange, one of them had sex with me while other made a razor cuts on my body in the way not to make me bleed but to make a pain. I really liked it and it's strange as I'm a very sensitive person and I'm also strongly pain sensitive. Sometimes I have an impression I don\t know myself completely.

[OldAceGuy]

Deleted

[Ricki]

Apologies if this has already been covered but is anyone else an asexual fetishist? I'm talking true paraphilia here.

The reason I don't feel sexual attraction to people is because I'm obsessively and totally sexually focused on my fetish object and associated emotions.

I've never met anyone like me and as an added twist, my fetish is male while I'm romantically attracted to women.

I was convinced I was gay until I tried gay sex and then I was just really confused for a long time.

I'm desperate to hear from anyone else like me! Please tell me I'm not alone!!

I haven't really stuck with this thread as everyone else is similar, but you've hit me practically spot on xD Nice to know I'm not completely unique.

[OldAceGuy]

On 11/28/2015 at 1:55 PM, A Silent Tear said:

On 11/27/2015 at 11:59 PM, Aphid said:

 

I haven't really stuck with this thread as everyone else is similar, but you've hit me practically spot on xD Nice to know I'm not completely unique.

 

[Atrytone]

Not sure how kinky I am but I've always been interested in BDSM. I have a hard time forming connections with people though so it's never really been an aspect I've explored. I've been considering joining fetlife; I think I'll hang around here for a little bit first though. Not sure if I'm up for fetlife just yet.

[Fukusū]

I too am unsure kinky I am but am interested in BDSM.

[superseen1]

Not sure how kinky I am but I've always been interested in BDSM. I have a hard time forming connections with people though so it's never really been an aspect I've explored. I've been considering joining fetlife; I think I'll hang around here for a little bit first though. Not sure if I'm up for fetlife just yet.

I've been a member of FetLife for over a year now and I've found that (even had I not made some effort to create friendships with individuals on there) there are a lot of groups one can join for any number of educational purposes, such as learning about BDSM-based facts, figures and terminologies, developing a broader knowledge base on subject matter that may hold an interest for you, doing homework about how local community gatherings take place and get the general temperature - relatively speaking, that is - of said community, etc.

From my personal point of view, having access to that community/knowledge base has helped to either alleviate some of my concerns about the thoughts I had regarding kink and BDSM, or else helped me to start asking the right kind of questions that will be the most beneficial to finding those answers I am still seeking.

[Atrytone]

Not sure how kinky I am but I've always been interested in BDSM. I have a hard time forming connections with people though so it's never really been an aspect I've explored. I've been considering joining fetlife; I think I'll hang around here for a little bit first though. Not sure if I'm up for fetlife just yet.

I've been a member of FetLife for over a year now and I've found that (even had I not made some effort to create friendships with individuals on there) there are a lot of groups one can join for any number of educational purposes, such as learning about BDSM-based facts, figures and terminologies, developing a broader knowledge base on subject matter that may hold an interest for you, doing homework about how local community gatherings take place and get the general temperature - relatively speaking, that is - of said community, etc.

From my personal point of view, having access to that community/knowledge base has helped to either alleviate some of my concerns about the thoughts I had regarding kink and BDSM, or else helped me to start asking the right kind of questions that will be the most beneficial to finding those answers I am still seeking.

Thank you. I'll definitely keep this in mind. :)

[Ricecream-man]

Not sure how kinky I am but I've always been interested in BDSM. I have a hard time forming connections with people though so it's never really been an aspect I've explored. I've been considering joining fetlife; I think I'll hang around here for a little bit first though. Not sure if I'm up for fetlife just yet.

I've been a member of FetLife for over a year now and I've found that (even had I not made some effort to create friendships with individuals on there) there are a lot of groups one can join for any number of educational purposes, such as learning about BDSM-based facts, figures and terminologies, developing a broader knowledge base on subject matter that may hold an interest for you, doing homework about how local community gatherings take place and get the general temperature - relatively speaking, that is - of said community, etc.

From my personal point of view, having access to that community/knowledge base has helped to either alleviate some of my concerns about the thoughts I had regarding kink and BDSM, or else helped me to start asking the right kind of questions that will be the most beneficial to finding those answers I am still seeking.

Thank you. I'll definitely keep this in mind. :)

On that note as well, there are some tips to help reduce undesired solicitation.

1. If you don't like nudity stay off of Kinky and Popular.

2. Don't post pictures of yourself.

3. Don't designate a role for yourself. Leave things as "Undecided" or "Exploring"

Then when if you want to start connecting with people online you can always add those things to make yourself more attractive. Even then, I'd recommend leaving your profile mostly blank and instead going to your local munches/play parties. The events tab on Fetlife will list all of your local events with brief descriptions for what they are. Beyond that, there are plenty of helpful people here on this forum as well. While Feral_Sophisticate might have left, there are still others who are fairly knowledgeable about the kink world. (Always learning though of course!)

So feel free to ask questions, and I'm always open to PM's as well if anyone has more private questions regarding kink. Although of course remember YMMV. :)

[Ricki]

Random thought... I find it easier to join in with rude/emotional/sex talks than many others seem to on Aven, and maybe that could be because although I don't know their exact feelings then I can understand how attraction works?

[LunarMagi☾]

Anyone interested in petplay? I like wearing a tail, ears, collar, leash and such- acting and being treated like a pet in a playful, affectionate way. I haven't really met or talked to others who do, especially aces. I'm fairly introverted too.

[Gotsu]

Anyone interested in petplay? I like wearing a tail, ears, collar, leash and such- acting and being treated like a pet in a playful, affectionate way. I haven't really met or talked to others who do, especially aces. I'm fairly introverted too.

Do you lik being petted? Most people hate when you touch their heads (figuratively speaking).

[- - -]

is it normal to get turned on by a certain object but JUST that object itself... not been used in a "sexy" way by someone else or whatever

...cos i do + it feels wrong

[Atrytone]

is it normal to get turned on by a certain object but JUST that object itself

I don't know how common it is but it's called a fetish. Nothing to be worried about unless the attraction causes harm to you or others.

[- - -]

but is it normal for nobody else to be involved? i just get turned on by looking at pics of this object or fantasising about but theres never any other people in the fantasy

[Lazo]

but is it normal for nobody else to be involved? i just get turned on by looking at pics of this object or fantasising about but theres never any other people in the fantasy

Yeah, this falls within the normal range of behaviour when it comes to paraphilias. For instance, some people have a shoe fetish but only if it's being worn by a person. Others have a shoe fetish without. Others like to hear balloons pop. Others want to be mummified. Lots and lots of diversity.

May I ask, why are you so bothered by having whatever fetish it is that you have?

[Ricecream-man]

Anyone interested in petplay? I like wearing a tail, ears, collar, leash and such- acting and being treated like a pet in a playful, affectionate way. I haven't really met or talked to others who do, especially aces. I'm fairly introverted too.

Within the community it's a pretty common minority. Pet play is a fairly well known fetish and one of the ones that isn't automatically sexual.

but is it normal for nobody else to be involved? i just get turned on by looking at pics of this object or fantasising about but theres never any other people in the fantasy

Normal? No.

But it's not a cause for concern either. Everyone has their own little thing. As long as you're not harming anyone I wouldn't worry about it. Of course I won't really know unless I know what that thing is.

[- - -]

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