Kink, BDSM, and Cake

[thisismyname]

not gonna do darts, rather build trust with someone then just a thing to make them jump and do whatever I want, TRUST is key

[Schrecken]

People also need to be careful from a sub or bottom's point of view as to not just jumping into things too quickly (I think they call that "sub frenzy" on Fetlife). When I first started meeting people in person I was pretty bent on trying to find someone to play with as soon as I could, but I also knew enough to be careful about who I chose and not rush into it. And at first I got anxious because I felt I wasn't going to be able to find anyone suitable. But then I started talking to someone who was into one of my main interests (impact play) and I talked about it with him for a while. Eventually he invited me to a play party so I could watch him play with his two subs, and I was still interested but he was very hesitant to consider playing with me (part of that was that I was new to the whole scene, so if you are new, you might find that some people will be hesitant about playing with you, even if you are a bottom or sub). It took a few weeks of me meeting with him privately and at events before he would consider playing with me, and once we began playing regularly I had to wait a very long time before he would indulge one of my other interests, bondage. He also had me talk to his subs without him being around. In fact, it was only two weeks ago that he tied me during a private play session because he said he needed to be sure I had 100% trust in him. And I've been playing with him regularly since last September. He is now my dom, but even for me to earn the designation as his sub took time.

So yes, being careful and taking things slow works from both points of view (I can also see that from a dom/top position they have to be careful because it wouldn't be hard for someone to claim abuse or press charges if things don't work out, especially in private play).

[Lauren+Bear]

So I met someone Saturday that I think I could really come to like. We didn't get to talk for very long, but he gives a great massage and is a sensualist. He's trusted by people I trust, so I'm not that worried about him being a creep, but I haven't broached the asexual topic with him... Mostly because I was turned to jelly by his massage. I know he's poly, so I don't think it'd be a deal breaker anyway. He messages me on Fet to give me virtual head pets today.

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[Lauren+Bear]

So I met someone Saturday that I think I could really come to like. We didn't get to talk for very long, but he gives a great massage and is a sensualist. He's trusted by people I trust, so I'm not that worried about him being a creep, but I haven't broached the asexual topic with him... Mostly because I was turned to jelly by his massage. I know he's poly, so I don't think it'd be a deal breaker anyway. He messages me on Fet to give me virtual head pets today.

Congrats! That sounds awesome!

Also, what's a sensualist? Also slightly related is being a massage dom(me) a thing? (many questions, very sorry, seriously congrats on finding someone who seems nice!)

A sensualist would be some more focused on the way things feel, domination or submission isn't their sole focus. They'd be the people that'd use silk scarves and feathers in equal amounts to violet wands and floggers.

I don't see why a massage dom(me) couldn't be a thing... Just be careful that people don't confuse it for a happy ending (sex) massage.

Too soon to get my hopes up, but I'll devour all the pampering and attention he'll give me in the meantime. I'm a bit of an attention whore and cuddle slut.

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[MinorThreatGirl]

I am a huge BDSM enthusiast - as you can tell from my avatar!

BDSM is so much more than just sex. For me, it's something I enjoy reading and writing about mostly. I don't really partake in much actual BDSM, however I do enjoy the sort of style that is typically associated with it - leather, latex, vinyl, platform boots, chains, riding crops, collars, makeup... and I sometimes dress like this. For me, it is a lot like theater; I love the idea of dressing up and roleplaying and exploring different qualities in myself, sometimes a dominant one, sometimes a submissive one. It's something that to me, falls more on a mental and intellectual wavelength than a sexual one.

[Lauren+Bear]

I am a huge BDSM enthusiast - as you can tell from my avatar!

BDSM is so much more than just sex. For me, it's something I enjoy reading and writing about mostly. I don't really partake in much actual BDSM, however I do enjoy the sort of style that is typically associated with it - leather, latex, vinyl, platform boots, chains, riding crops, collars, makeup... and I sometimes dress like this. For me, it is a lot like theater; I love the idea of dressing up and roleplaying and exploring different qualities in myself, sometimes a dominant one, sometimes a submissive one. It's something that to me, falls more on a mental and intellectual wavelength than a sexual one.

Welcome. So have you read much of de Sade's work?

Hey guys, a few updates for y'all:

The mods are discussing our status as a forum and Naosuu will notify me when there is a consensus.

I'm setting up an asexual meet up in Nashville, Tennessee with the tentative date of March 28th. If you are interested in attending or helping out, let me know.

[MinorThreatGirl]

I've read Justine, The 120 Days of Sodom and Philosophy in the Bedroom. His work is certainly disturbing though much of it can also be seen as allegorical during a time when the Church and aristocracy held the most power. There are even essays by women such as Simone de Beauvoir and Angela Carter in defense of his works, which is interesting.

And on another note, I wish I lived closer to Nashville!

[Lauren+Bear]

I've read Justine, The 120 Days of Sodom and Philosophy in the Bedroom. His work is certainly disturbing though much of it can also be seen as allegorical during a time when the Church and aristocracy held the most power. There are even essays by women such as Simone de Beauvoir and Angela Carter in defense of his works, which is interesting.

And on another note, I wish I lived closer to Nashville!

You should read Juliette. It's like a companion to Justine about her sister. I actually liked Juliette better than Justine. This is the one that got him arrested by Napoleon without trial until he died.

[Jacinta13]

I can't explain how relieved I am to see this topic, I've always thought that sex and kink was kind of a both or neither situation and I'm relieved to see it isn't that way for everyone even if I'm still having a hard time imagining it. My introduction to kink was a hyper-sexual partner who was very manipulative and while I've imagined plenty I've never tried to go there with someone since because I didn't want to go through that again. Looks like I have more research to do, I don't suppose anyone knows any places with a good amount of non-sexual kink/BDSM fiction or personal stories?

I mostly just wanted to thank you all for this topic and say hi since I'll probably be back with questions. Apparently I got a bit ahead of myself with the questions. ^_^

[Feral_Sophisticate]

I can't explain how relieved I am to see this topic, I've always thought that sex and kink was kind of a both or neither situation and I'm relieved to see it isn't that way for everyone even if I'm still having a hard time imagining it. My introduction to kink was a hyper-sexual partner who was very manipulative and while I've imagined plenty I've never tried to go there with someone since because I didn't want to go through that again. Looks like I have more research to do, I don't suppose anyone knows any places with a good amount of non-sexual kink/BDSM fiction or personal stories?

I mostly just wanted to thank you all for this topic and say hi since I'll probably be back with questions. Apparently I got a bit ahead of myself with the questions. ^_^

Hi.

Welcome to the group! Have some :cake: !

With regards to non-sexual kink/BDSM fiction or personal stories, I asked my girl about it (as she's somewhere on the asexual spectrum, though we're still figuring out where), and she recommended DeviantArt. She said that there's lots there, and - depending on your personal kinks and fetishes - some may be willing to write stories specifically for you (and most will do it for free).

I hope that helps.

If you're in a real bind, message me, and I'll see if she can write something for you (again, depending on your personal kinks and fetishes), as she's quite good at that.

[aliveinwords]

Archiveofourown.org (AO3) has a lot of non-sexual fanfic. If you search by tags, you can find stuff under like "non-sexual kink", "non-sexual BDSM" "non-sexual bondage" etc

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[Feral_Sophisticate]

In a real bind. Heh. You're funny.

Believe it or not, for once, the pun was totally unintended... Truly. :)

[Lauren+Bear]

I've been debating what the next Confessions of a Cuddle Slut should be... Rope safety and anatomy or homemade bdsm toys/tools?

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[Lauren+Bear]

I've been debating what the next Confessions of a Cuddle Slut should be... Rope safety and anatomy or homemade bdsm toys/tools?

Both? I personally would benefit from both of those, definitely (admittedly probably more from the rope safety and anatomy).

And I love the title.

So what if I did CoaCS as the rope safety/anatomy, and the. Have the other as a separate thing and make it like a DIY.

[Jacinta13]

Archiveofourown.org (AO3) has a lot of non-sexual fanfic. If you search by tags, you can find stuff under like "non-sexual kink", "non-sexual BDSM" "non-sexual bondage" etc

That's actually the only place that came up in my searching so I'll be reading heaps of fanfic for fandoms I'm not in probably, which will be interesting in more than one way.

@ Feral_Sophisticate; I will head over to DeviantArt, and keep you and your girl in mind. Thanks for the cake, and also, nice unintentional pun. :)

@ToccataGirl; that actually sounds interesting too, I'll be checking twisted monk out as well.

Thanks for the suggestions, I've got a lot to read now, and a bit to watch.

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[aliveinwords]

Whatever you do, it will be awesome and I know I will learn a ton. I have no idea how to make homemade bdsm toys/tools so whatever you have on that would be great too. (I've got cloth belts and a yoga strap. Super techy).

Haha. I've tried a yoga strap too. Didn't work too well for me.

[aliveinwords]

Ugh. I am not doing well on my posts today

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[Lauren+Bear]

CoaCS is going to take a day or two to construct, so in the meantime, here's the new... KIY (Kink it Yourself):

Spreader Bar:

You'll Need-

A 3/4 inch diameter HARDWOOD dowel (oak, maple, ironwood) 18-28 inches long

Sandpaper

Paint/lacquer (optional)

Two large (2.5 inch) eye bolts

Drill with a 1/4 inch bit

1.) Sand the dowel until smooth... Splinter kill the fun

2.) Paint and/to lacquer your dowel if desired (this also helps reduce splinters)

3.) Drill a hole at each end of the dowel

4.) Screw in the eye bolts

5.) Tie your bottom's wrists or ankles to the eye bolts and spank their butt!

A Little Extra: Save old belts to use as bondage tools. You can even punch more holes into them for more versatility.

Another Extra: Sand paint sticks smooth and use them for spankings. They sting like hell.

[Calamity Jim]

*raises hand*

I'm a bit kinky. Unfortunately, the majority has to exist in my fantasies because I don't feel comfortable with the idea of involving a partner (my enjoyment of things BDSM-related have very little to do with the actual relationship part; I'm neither very submissive nor very dominant) but also find most things I'd be interested in to not be feasible as solo activities. Sadness.

Ah well. At least a vivid imagination helps a bit.

Do you mind if I ask what your kinks are? Not all kinksters subscribe to the Dom/sub side of the lifestyle and there are a lot of things you can do by yourself. My personal favorite is self-bondage.

Actually, self-bondage would be the main thing; I haven't been able to figure out the mechanics of it in a way I'd feel completely safe with. Of course, I'm also often a little scared to go ask for advice... and my last internet search on tips ended mostly with warnings on how difficult/unsafe it could be. Other things I enjoy generally have to do with mild pain, and the difficulty posed is because I don't really want control over it, but I just don't feel comfortable handing off control to another person either. Goes with the bondage thing, really - it's loss of control and being able to let go and not need to think that I enjoy most.

Self bondage is actually pretty easy if you use common sense. The biggest thing is always having an escape route planned before going into it. Us slip knots that can be tugged to get free if you are using rope. If using cuffs make sure you can get out of them on your own before putting yourself in a situation where you find out you can't. I recommend cloth, as metal can bruise or bite in ways that are hard to hid. Also, don't use improvised materials until you start feeling comfortable. Most Adult Boutiques have some form of safe material, sell books on knot tying (which also give reasonable explanation of actual dangers and warning signs), and the sales people usually know a little bit about the subject and can warn you if you think you might be taking unnecessary risks.

The big thing I warn against is solo erotic asphyxiation, because if you do it wrong there is no saving yourself. Use a collar around the neck instead of a rope or chain. That way you protect yourself but can also set up easy predicament bondage scenes. Like tying your bigs toes, curving your back, and running the link through a connector in a collar. If you try and relax you pull on your legs, so it's either sore legs or sore back.

Mummification is also a bit tricky to set up, as you can only do it partially, but is easy enough to do safely. Plastic wrap and a pair of scissors. Always make sure the scissors are in reach and don't experiment with breath play and you can have a lot of fun. Throwing in sound cancelling headphones and a blind fold and you've got some sense deprevation stuff going on. It's the fantasy of being bound without the risks and the other person.

And pain is easy. Closepins. Seriously. They pinch a bit when you put them on but they can hurt a lot when you take them off. The longer they sit the more they hurt. Easy to do solo and body safe.

I sell adult novelty toys for a living so seriously if you (or anyone reading this), has a question about this stuff feel free to PM me. I'm a better resource than the internet because I don't have trolls in me.

[Calamity Jim]

There is something that is bugging the heck out of me that I don't quite yet have the nerve to ask about on Fetlife (not that I don't think anyone could answer it, but I'm guessing that most people there are already beyond this issue). Here's the issue: I am struggling terribly with that which interests me in the sense that I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around the ramifications of such a choice. I would imagine that this is far more of a conflict for those who are in the position of receiving (submissives, bottoms, etc) rather than those who are giving. In other words, how does one cope with the notion of actually wanting something that is normally considered "bad" (meaning those things that are painful, uncomfortable, frightening, etc - things that most people would go out of their way to avoid)? And not only wanting it, but liking it? And also such actions sometimes having a sexual component for those who have a libido (and of course for most sexuals)?

See, I met someone at a munch not long ago, and I am in discussions with this person about them doing "X" to me eventually. But all the while I'm thinking to myself "what the hell is wrong with you?" "why on earth would you want/let anyone to do that to you?" "you're crazy..." etc, etc. And I can't at all square this with the way I usually am in the course of my life. I'm strong, resourceful, independent and normally if I thought about anyone doing anything like that to me I'd kick their ass. Normally never in a thousand years would I let someone do something like that to me if I could help it. But this is so different. Yet it still causes such a massive conflict within me, which takes up a huge amount of mental energy to try and deal with.

Anyone experience this? Any ideas on what to do about it?

Read the books. "Screw the roses, send me the thorns," and "The ultimate guide to kink" are both awesome resources.

Basically we've been trained to see certain behaviours as normal (good) and certain behaviours as deviant (bad).

But this isn't true to reality. Let's take rape. Rape is bad. There is no arguing against that. Having a rape fantasy (and being aware that it is a fantasy) is not. Setting up a scene with a rape fantasy is not.

Now, what's the difference between the fantasy and the reality?

All people are consenting (and remain so during the scene). That's huge. Everybody is respecting everyone, also huge. Now, this is also about power play, which can be super stimulating. Some people enjoy having no power because it makes them feel free. Other people enjoy it because it feels dangerous. And some people like power because power is that thing that gets you what you want.

Now, there can be an element of degradation. This is more power play. Letting someone degrade you is giving them power but also giving them trust. You will have set up the rules before hand on what isn't allowed, and are now trusting them with the power you have given them to not hurt you (more than you want to be, anyway). Or you have someone in your hands who is giving this all to you.

A huge part of what makes Kink different is that those engage know it is just fantasy that can be called to stop. People with rape fantasies don't want to be raped. People who engage in scat play don't want to go to work and have someone throw poop at them. 24-7 D/S (domination/submission), sometimes known as master slave relationships, are the most extreme of these because they are adopted as a life style. Someone wants someone to have all the control, someone wants someone to yield all the control. And it is ongoing to fill an emotional need. But these relationships end when one partner wants out, which makes it still just fantasy. In reality slaves don't get to quit, so to speak.

So just because you want something degrading to happen to you at one time doesn't mean you have a problem. Also long as you are Safe, Sane and Consensual (and this means bottoms not pushing tops to do things they don't want as well as tops not taking liberties with bottoms) its all good. And just because you want something one time doesn't mean you have to agree to it all the time.

I really recommend The Ultimate Guide to Kink. It's got essays written by kinksters on all sides so it explains sadism and masochism and the things in-between from the point of view of the people who engage in this and why they do it. I would also look into some of the biology of kink, because having science helps destigmatize. For example: being bound heightens your sense of touch. When someone is aroused, the brain can short circuit and some people have pain provide pleasure feedback. This isn't saying that you like all pain. It is saying at certain times you do because it doesn't always feel like pain.

And this need isn't always tied to sex. Even sexual people will have huge kinks but not want sex to be part of the scene. There is nothing odd about this. It's just preference. Just because you like whipped cream doesn't mean you want to lick it off someone.

[Lauren+Bear]

Sorry guys, had an emergency foster come in that is emaciated and in need of serious care... Him and the pup are a 24 hour job. I'm trying my best to find time to finish up CoaCS.

[Lauren+Bear]

I think I've talked about How to be a Healthy and Happy Submissive: A Practical Guide to Making Your Fantasies a Reality by Kate Kinsey before... And how it's a great starter for both dominants and submissives. Well, Kinsey will be offering this book for free download on Amazon March 21 and 22. http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00NC05X2K

Here's the synopsis for those interested:

Beyond Fifty Shades of Grey, there's an entire kinky world of BDSM, full of real life dominants and submissives enjoying an intimacy and satisfaction in their relationships that vanilla folk only dream of. Whether you want to explore your own submissive fantasies, or you're just curious about what BDSM is really like, this book will answer all your questions, plus some you didn't know you had.

Erotic author Kate Kinsey ("Red," and "The Totally Uncensored Kinky Adventures of Chloe St. Claire, Sex Slave") brings over a decade of experience as a submissive and kinky educator to this practical step-by-step guide to being a healthy and happy submissive.

Topics covered include: the differences between dominants and masters, submissives and slaves, and tops and bottoms; the different dominant styles; the truth about "training" to be a submissive; how to find like-minded folks in your area; how to negotiate scenes and relationships; what to expect at your first dungeon party; why some people actually enjoy pain; and the warning signs to look out for when talking to potential partners.

"Kinsey has written a no-nonsense guide that thoroughly explains the various kinks and fetishes that come under the umbrella of BDSM. Most importantly, she emphasizes the importance of protecting yourself along the way with knowledge, friends and self-awareness."

"This is not fiction, but reality. Kate Kinsey has the experience to tell it like it is, not the way some vanilla writer imagines it to be."

[Ritsuka-kun]

Heya everyone! I need some help!

I got into a relationship two months ago with a sub. So far we've been long distance (had a few skype calls), but we really clicked and haven't had any majors problems except today. The person I'm with is okay that I'm asexual and sex-repulsed. And even when I brought up an open relationship for them, they completely denied an open relationship. But today, the person told they're friends I'm asexual and their friends made some unsavory comments that has my partner worried. My partner's worried about how they'll go/deal without sex and deal with the sexual frustration for the undefined period of our relationship. My partner and I really want to make this work.

Is this a thought that sexual people have before they enter into relationships with ace folks, and if so is there a period when you don't feel like this anymore? Can anybody offer me any advice? Or solutions?

[Lauren+Bear]

Heya everyone! I need some help!

I got into a relationship two months ago with a sub. So far we've been long distance (had a few skype calls), but we really clicked and haven't had any majors problems except today. The person I'm with is okay that I'm asexual and sex-repulsed. And even when I brought up an open relationship for them, they completely denied an open relationship. But today, the person told they're friends I'm asexual and their friends made some unsavory comments that has my partner worried. My partner's worried about how they'll go/deal without sex and deal with the sexual frustration for the undefined period of our relationship. My partner and I really want to make this work.

Is this a thought that sexual people have before they enter into relationships with ace folks, and if so is there a period when you don't feel like this anymore? Can anybody offer me any advice? Or solutions?

It'd help if I knew what sort of comments the friends made...

I'd re-open the suggestion of an open relationship to see if their feelings towards that have changed. An open relationship doesn't have to mean going off with some random person... it could be one set person that the two of you agree on (like a polyamorous relationship), someone you both trust, maybe someone that could act as a co-top if the potential was there... There are also toys, masturbation... And you can even use those in scenes where you have them satisfy themselves in some way...

I'd also message Feral_Sophisticate (if he doesn't answer you here). He's a sexual top with an asexual bottom. He'd probably have some good tips for you.