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59 minutes ago, bob_mot said:

Has anyone experienced a similar hesitation before, but later joined in their local kink community activities and found them worthwhile? Or for those who did become active in their local kink communities/groups, did you already know that you wanted to indulge in your kink with other people?

I haven't seriously considered looking for a local kink community yet, also for social anxiety (and privacy) reasons.

 

But I did eventually reach out to a sex worker I felt I could trust, and that has worked out really well. Playing with someone very experienced was definitely a good idea, considering my total lack of experience. And I don't have any doubts about her professionalism/discretion.

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RandomAce8701
16 hours ago, bob_mot said:

Haha, I just had a similar experience and feeling -- right down to the quickly-abandoned FetLife account. 😀

 

Here's something I'm curious about: I've heard advice before to seek out local kink communities, play parties, etc., but I think that's probably not for me; I just like enjoying my kink by myself (which ends up basically like self-bondage) and have never really thought or desired to involve anyone else -- plus I'm socially anxious as it is already.

 

Has anyone experienced a similar hesitation before, but later joined in their local kink community activities and found them worthwhile? Or for those who did become active in their local kink communities/groups, did you already know that you wanted to indulge in your kink with other people?

I explored the local kink scene a few years ago. It was helpful for validation, but the kinks I engaged in with other people were not necessarily the ones I was interested in beforehand. I never did self-bondage, but went to a class, and discovered that tying exacerbates my issues with my hands or neck, which meant I couldn't be a rope switch. Sadly this is also true of computer gaming; anything good in life is always illegal, immoral or unhealthy! Exploring masochism was interesting - impact was a very minor interest before I got involved in the scene, much more important in it. Finding new kinks was part of what I was after though I think, because I was anxious about some issues in the past with risky kinks; I don't worry about that as much today, which is at least progress, though there are always new anxiety loci! Certainly I was hesitant beforehand; eventually I went to a munch (initially very anxious, often problematic noise wise), which led to a rope workshop and parties.

 

Much of it was also driven by anxiety about not getting enough social; having moved back in with my parents this is less of an issue, and I still see Covid as a serious concern. Also I'm not looking for a partner today; I saw kink as a possible avenue to a compromise relationship but much less sure of that now.

 

Also see above; unfortunately I'm much more lawful aligned in the real world than my role playing characters are in their worlds, which is another reason I don't go back to kink (UK law makes impact illegal, rather more forcefully now than in the past, etc). Also, while one of the things that attracted me to kink is greater sympathy for the idealised view of consent and boundaries, and more verbal rather than non-verbal communication (helpful for both autism and ace/aro; people are more likely to understand sex as a limit), there are still misunderstandings and abusers. Having said that generally the local scene was friendly and helpful, though some events much more so than others.

 

Spoiler

One fairly hard boundary I stuck to was no play outside of events. Covid transformed that into me not feeling safe with kink at all: private play outside of events I don't feel safe (in large part because "sex is a hard limit" is less likely to be respected), and at events I don't think it's worth the Covid risk.

 

Also, prior to getting involved, my interest in kink was to some degree sexual, even though I'm repulsed by penetrative sex and "yuck". However the occasional issues with porn were driven by anxiety as much as anything, part of the whole ace-kink-broken nexus thing that a lot of us get.

 

What that means specifically regarding your question is that I had no experience of bondage, but had some interest in it - and much less so with impact. If I hadn't been anxious about autoerotic asphyxia (a largely theoretical problem for many years but the reason I was looking for new kinks) I might have looked at self-tying. Also, from what I know now, rope is considered a difficult skill and worth learning properly, and don't do self-tying unless you're sure you can do it safely; in some cases that often means having somebody around for safety purposes.

 

Also, once I got into the scene I found that it wasn't sexual for me. Bondage for the sake of bondage, and impact, are fun. But there is no danger of me "reacting inappropriately", something I did worry about. Nowadays I worry about different problems. :)

 

And yes, abandoned Fet account, though I've spent quite a bit of time on there in the past. There's no point in me being active on Fet when the social is all about parties and for the time being I can't go to parties. Having said that, the boards can be very helpful for specific questions. I might need it one day.

Edited by RandomAce8701
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Sister Mercurial

I've got a FetLife account and went to a munch for my specific kink.  It was interesting, but I don't see how I fit into the scene.  The scene is composed primarily of: people making videos of themselves doing the kink, which they sell on [fetish-specific site] (and I'm not pretty enough to do that); people who buy those videos and get themselves off while watching (whereas my interest isn't sexual); people who incorporate it into their sex lives (and I don't have a sex life).  There isn't a party scene like there is with some other kinks and this is primarily for practical reasons (it would be a royal pain getting everything back to normal afterwards).  

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Hi, kinda new here. I identify as gray ace. Almost every time im repulsed by sex but there are days that i wanna hock up with a guy. The problem? I only like kinky sex. Another problem? I dont know how i will react to having sex after 3 yeara. Another problem? How do i tell this without making it weird? How can i tell them what i want?

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LittleSunshine

I recently discovered I like hypnofetish, but as soon as the hypnosis goes over in physical touch I get turned of. I really like people just taking the mental control and excerting mental control over me, but not the rest.. =P

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nutterwithasolderingiron

so i tried going back to fetlife and found it just as demoralizing as before. it's a shame because i wanna get back into kink, i just don't wanna dom because i got sick of always having to do so. 

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Okay so, I am a hetero/gray romantic sex repulsed aegosexual who's thinking about doing a sitcom-y series of short stories called Four of a Kind, about four aces living together in a roommate situation.  I'm toying with the idea of making one of the aces someone who's into BDSM/kink, but I wanted to do some research first

I myself have long been curious about BDSM/kink. In fact I've read a few books on the subject.  But I've never taken part in the scene personally

I'm hoping people on this forum would be open to answering some questions

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16 hours ago, ClonedRose said:

Okay so, I am a hetero/gray romantic sex repulsed aegosexual who's thinking about doing a sitcom-y series of short stories called Four of a Kind, about four aces living together in a roommate situation.  I'm toying with the idea of making one of the aces someone who's into BDSM/kink, but I wanted to do some research first

I myself have long been curious about BDSM/kink. In fact I've read a few books on the subject.  But I've never taken part in the scene personally

I'm hoping people on this forum would be open to answering some questions

Ask away.   People are pretty good about answering in here.   Brian

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how exactly does non-sexual kink work ? im a little confused on that, always having defined kink as something causing sexual arousal

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15 hours ago, NotRocket said:

how exactly does non-sexual kink work ? im a little confused on that, always having defined kink as something causing sexual arousal

Not really sure how to answer this.  Most rope play is not sexual.  I run a rope group.  I have a rope dojo and those are in the rules.  Brian

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On 9/15/2023 at 8:05 PM, NotRocket said:

how exactly does non-sexual kink work ? im a little confused on that, always having defined kink as something causing sexual arousal

👋I've been doing kink and kinky play for the past 15+ years. In all that time, I've had maybe 5 times max of when sex actually happened during kinky play. Arousal can happen during any of the scenes, for sure, but sex itself is optional. 

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On 5/14/2023 at 8:05 PM, svrn said:

I haven't seriously considered looking for a local kink community yet, also for social anxiety (and privacy) reasons.

 

But I did eventually reach out to a sex worker I felt I could trust, and that has worked out really well. Playing with someone very experienced was definitely a good idea, considering my total lack of experience. And I don't have any doubts about her professionalism/discretion.

I am kinky too and I want to find a sex worker to put my kink in practice, but I was afraid to tell people, because I used to think that if people knew that I am looking for a sex worker, they would think that I'm not assexual, 

 

I would like to know what is your kink, if you don't mind telling me. 

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16 hours ago, belaaa said:

I am kinky too and I want to find a sex worker to put my kink in practice, but I was afraid to tell people, because I used to think that if people knew that I am looking for a sex worker, they would think that I'm not assexual, 

 

I would like to know what is your kink, if you don't mind telling me. 

Sounds like a good opportunity for those people to learn something new. 😉 Despite the job title, said sex worker and I mostly do kinky stuff when we meet. There can be intimate contact, but we don't have intercourse. (She didn't even know I was asexual at first. But it could be a good idea to communicate that up front.)

 

My kinks are fairly common, I think. Bondage, spanking, things like that.

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RandomAce8701
On 10/30/2023 at 1:18 PM, svrn said:

Sounds like a good opportunity for those people to learn something new. 😉 Despite the job title, said sex worker and I mostly do kinky stuff when we meet. There can be intimate contact, but we don't have intercourse. (She didn't even know I was asexual at first. But it could be a good idea to communicate that up front.)

 

My kinks are fairly common, I think. Bondage, spanking, things like that.

Yeah there's the whole thing about sex repulsed (or even partially sex repulsed) kink positive asexuals... Lots of complexity there around definitions etc. But if you're comfortable with  it, then great.

 

I'm the opposite of your experience. I've participated in local-ish kink community in the past, but never paid for kink (or sex for that matter). At the moment I'm avoiding the whole area because I'm not happy with the state of the pandemic, live with vulnerable family, and get enough social. One day I'll go back in some form.

Edited by RandomAce8701
Clarify what I'm the opposite of
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On 10/30/2023 at 12:55 PM, RandomAce8701 said:

Yeah there's the whole thing about sex repulsed (or even partially sex repulsed) kink positive asexuals... Lots of complexity there around definitions etc. But if you're comfortable with  it, then great.

 

I'm the opposite. I've participated in local-ish kink community in the past, but never paid for kink (or sex for that matter). At the moment I'm avoiding the whole area because I'm not happy with the state of the pandemic, live with vulnerable family, and get enough social. One day I'll go back in some form.

I feel like these days, due to COVID and the like, it is harder to find playmates you can really trust. I don't usually go outside my own bubble of work colleagues, family, and friends. Even when I go out to my local gay club, I tend to go on nights that are slower so I don't have to deal with crowds. Trying to find a playmate that isn't sex-obsessed or is at least understanding enough to not bring sex into a play session on top of everything else is hard.

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Hi everyone! I'm 23M and a few months ago I would have defined myself as straight (never had a girlfriend before, but I've always been strongly attracted to females). Now that I have a girlfriend, some troubles related to our sexual incompatibility are emerging, and that lead me to think that I might be in the asexual spectrum. I'm turned on by physical touch (kissing, hugging, cuddling, even teasing), but that hardly translates to an explicit desire of having sex. When I'm far away from her, the thought of having sex with her rarely crosses my mind and it is mainly related to curiosity ("how would it be if..."). I've tried to have sex a couple of times, but it went quite badly (unable to keep erection)...it was probably due to anxiety and inexperience, but it looks like I'm not "designed" for that. At the same time I have the desire to improve and to take the best of it.

Now, thinking about my sexual identity, I should mention that there is something that I associate to sexual pleasure and that REALLY arouses me, and that is the idea of some acts related to submission/control. These ideas involve women, but they are not associated to explicit sexual stuff. I have no intention of bringing these acts in any relationship I could have. By the way, I'm wondering if my asexuality is actually caused by this atypical interest, which prevents me from being attracted to women like most of the guys do...I would like to know if someone here can relate my situation somehow, and can share his/her experience, giving me some suggestions.

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Eutierria

I wonder if this section is more appropriate for your question(?) 

 

 

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Merged RANS question with this thread

 

FJO8

moderator for JFF and QaA

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Purple Red Panda

I posted this somewhere off AVEN first but I'll drop it here anyway

 

 

I’m asexual.

 

Sex has never been a large part of my life and in general not something that I’ve actively pursued. I don’t think I relate to it on the same mental or physical level that I assume most other people do, there is always a disconnect.

 

I think it’s slightly different if I’m with someone I have feelings for because I enjoy the sensations of being close to them, the contact of skin, the chance give them pleasure. Even then, it’s not about sexual sensation for me, I would be just as happy cuddling up and kissing, the desire to cum with another person just isn’t there for me. I have a libido but it’s something I can take care of by myself. I don’t try to orgasm when I’m with another person even though I can, I just don’t feel the impulse to, it’s not a need I have but I want them to cum and I like being able to do that for another person. I don’t think this makes me special or that I’m selfless, this I just how I’m wired sexually.

 

Kink feels different. I’m new to this but my experiences so far have been incredibly positive. The cocktail of adrenaline and endorphins is euphoric. I enter a different space a switch is flicked deep inside and there is chaos and peace mixed together. I can't articulate properly what's going on in my mind and how the physical and mental sensations interact but it works for me.

 

Kink is never going to be about orgasmic pleasure for me and I’m comfortable with that. My asexuality isn’t a burden for, it isn’t a medical condition, it’s my sexual orientation and I can still enjoy physical intimacy both vanilla and kink but in my own way.

This is all personal to me and how my asexuality works, I’m not speaking for any other asexual people just myself

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I have some stupid questions about kink from an ace perspective, if anyone is willing. Apologies for not going through all of the posts here so probably repeating people:

  • How do you figure out your kinks if you're not experimenting sexually? What should someone pay attention to or try to figure it out?
  • How much nudity is expected/necessary in typical kink events/parties?
  • If you're doing a kink scene, do you have to like, improv? I've heard it compared to D&D but also that it's relaxing, so like... are people just that good at some up with the next moment that they can do it and be relaxed at the same time? (I like D&D but find it challenging with all the on-the-spot creativity and decision making that affects other people's enjoyment of the session.)
  • How do you build trust with people if you're ace and entering a kink group where you don't know anyone?
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Sky Tune Rein
Quote

How do you figure out your kinks if you're not experimenting sexually? What should someone pay attention to or try to figure it out?

My main kink is not strictly sexual. It's erotic, but doesn't really involve sex, even though in some ways it can. I figured out mine many, many years, ago, and I can't recall when or how, but it involves a subject of the body/psyche in the first place (I'm not being specific here, as it would narrow it down, and I'm not comfortable sharing it in "public" here), so there's the association. Artwork (or "porn" if you like) also blossomed the kink. So, I have an attraction to the kink as it's playable by media. Like many, it's more a visual-thing, no experience required.

 

Quote

How much nudity is expected/necessary in typical kink events/parties?

I have little-to-no idea. But I will bet it depends on the kink itself, as would the consensual arrangement. Some kinks require nudity, groups or otherwise.

 

Quote

If you're doing a kink scene, do you have to like, improv? I've heard it compared to D&D but also that it's relaxing, so like... are people just that good at some up with the next moment that they can do it and be relaxed at the same time? (I like D&D but find it challenging with all the on-the-spot creativity and decision making that affects other people's enjoyment of the session.)

For me, it would require a compliant partner, whom, ideally, is at least nearly into it as me, or at least okay with it. Experience is not so important, but you may find that trust and bonding is. For some kink plays, experience is at least as important, as it would be dangerous if not dealt seriously.

 

Quote

How do you build trust with people if you're ace and entering a kink group where you don't know anyone?

This I'm least qualified to answer. I'm interested in the answer for this too, although I'm a demi with trust issues. Regardless, I would not enter any relationship with a stranger. Finding those for kink play would be even harder, because I'd like to get to know people over time, and asking for those for my kink feels...the S-word-al, being it's like marmite - it's not particular rare or unusual, but people either love it or hate it. I don't mind being insulted, but I do mind wasting precious time combating trolls, corrupt moderators and inboxes flooded with crap. 😾 I also don't like being tied down (so to speak 😸) to any one place or being an open book especially in public or quasi-public.

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18 hours ago, zinze said:

I have some stupid questions about kink from an ace perspective, if anyone is willing. Apologies for not going through all of the posts here so probably repeating people:

  • How do you figure out your kinks if you're not experimenting sexually? What should someone pay attention to or try to figure it out?
  • How much nudity is expected/necessary in typical kink events/parties?
  • If you're doing a kink scene, do you have to like, improv? I've heard it compared to D&D but also that it's relaxing, so like... are people just that good at some up with the next moment that they can do it and be relaxed at the same time? (I like D&D but find it challenging with all the on-the-spot creativity and decision making that affects other people's enjoyment of the session.)
  • How do you build trust with people if you're ace and entering a kink group where you don't know anyone?

I'll try to answer your (not-stupid) questions from my own limited experience:

  • The things I fantasized about or found exciting in porn often turned out to be kinks that I also liked in practice. Playing with someone experienced definitely helped me feel safe when trying out things I wasn't sure about.
  • I have no experience with public kink events, but I would probably check with the organizers and see if I feel comfortable with a particular event.
  • Role playing is completely optional. I enjoy playing with a power imbalance, but not involving any of the "usual" roles/scenarios. Playing at "eye level" is also an option.
  • Also something I don't have experience with, since I do 1:1 sessions with a professional. There's probably some good information in the previous 65 pages of this thread, or you could check out "Asexual & Kinky" on FetLife.
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On 2/3/2024 at 11:24 PM, zinze said:

I have some stupid questions about kink from an ace perspective, if anyone is willing. Apologies for not going through all of the posts here so probably repeating people:

  • How do you figure out your kinks if you're not experimenting sexually? What should someone pay attention to or try to figure it out?
  • How much nudity is expected/necessary in typical kink events/parties?
  • If you're doing a kink scene, do you have to like, improv? I've heard it compared to D&D but also that it's relaxing, so like... are people just that good at some up with the next moment that they can do it and be relaxed at the same time? (I like D&D but find it challenging with all the on-the-spot creativity and decision making that affects other people's enjoyment of the session.)
  • How do you build trust with people if you're ace and entering a kink group where you don't know anyone?

As a lifelong asexual (though I only figured it out in my mid 60s), a lifelong kinkster (mentally only until recently), and a newbie in the kink scene, I will put in my tuppence, FWIW

Figuring out what kinks work for you can be as simple as admitting to a desire you have repressed (want a spanking?), or as complicated as discovering that bondage feels safe and wonderful almost by accident. More on this as I go down the list.

Nudity is generally optional, especially if the kink in question does not explicitly involve sex - which many do not.

Improv is definitely not for beginners - or even most more experienced kinksters. There must always first be negotiation, to establish what each party wants, doesn't want, times, places, hard limits, soft limits and much more. This is for the safety - physical and mental - of both (all?) parties involved. There are online forms that some folks use to facilitate these negotiations, and I highly recommend looking one up and reading it carefully, as it might be very useful in your first question! 

Building trust takes time, and usually has to start before negotiations - perhaps at a munch, or in conversations on FetLife, and is essential before starting. As a newbie I cannot recommend finding a local dungeon and just walking in hoping for the best. Better to find munches, get to know some folks, possibly make connections at a social level before getting into a scene.

The biggest thing to remember is that consent - educated, informed and enthusiastic on both (all?) sides is a must, whether it's ropes, spankings, or any of the myriad other possibilities available, and always safety!

Good luck, and I hope this helps!

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ingridguerci94

My kink change with time, just like my other interests. What I was really into a few months back might not excite me anymore. Now my hobby is watching porn videos of Asian girls on sex việt. It's a bit frustrating since I can't count on one thing to keep me entertained forever, but it's also exciting to discover what new thing will grab my interest.

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Yuganna

I definitely think I'm a sub, the main reason is I found this really sweet kink fic that may or may not have opened my eyes a bit, both to kink in general and might have also made me aware of my own feelings through the sub chaaracter in the story (both with the mental health aspects of his struggle and the relationship side).

 

That said I know that for me at least this particular thing isn't something to look into without someone I can trust, and certainly my social anxiety wouldn't help matters either.

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I'm still setting up my aven account and also getting familiar to the forums but as this is my first reply ever here so 👋. I'm a 29 year old woman (she/her) who lives in the US.

I've known about my asexuality since I was 25 (but knew I wasn't straight for over a decade I just didn't have the language for what my experiences were). And then I discovered that I'm also greyromantic who is attracted to femininity in people (not gender based) more than masculinity. And then I am coming into discovery of my kink side. Yea I've taken the bdsm.org test (top 3 are rigger, ropebunny, dominant...which tracks because the way I always loved the aesthetic of lace blindfolds and them on their knees) and read books over the few short years (50 Shades of Kink, Femdom for Nice Girls, Ultimate Guide to Kink), and watches Evie Lupine on YouTube and damn near is ready to pay for Lupines patreon, and got various resources saved in my email. And now even seeking out a more ace side of the kink community because the other side is so heavily sex based and focusing on the sexuality of body parts and I don't wanna hear the sex part I wanna hear/listen to the artistic approach. Like this, thank you Megan Thee Stallion for posting this its like I fell in love. I also want to learn on my own how to do the bondage and see demonstrations and write about my exploration of my kink side. I got a lot of thoughts haha. It took me a while to say I'm asexual out loud and I'm sure it will take a while to say I'm kinky or have a kink side out loud, just even to myself. Which is why I'm excited this form has been up for over a decade now! I got 66 pages of this forum to read through but I just wanna get this out.

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