Kink, BDSM, and Cake

[Sherlocks]

I dont want to be.. I am one 

[Guest]

On 05/02/2017 at 1:48 PM, Sherlocks said:

I dont want to be.. I am one 

Want to be one what?

[Sherlocks]

On 7/19/2014 at 10:43 PM, Lauren+Bear said:

So you are/want to be a kinkster, hmmm? Well, this is the thread for you. The fetish world can be difficult (and dangerous) for someone on the asexy spectrum, but don't let that scare you away. We are here to answer your questions, give support, and tell lots of dirty jokes. ;-)

So whether you're an experienced Dom or a 50 Shades of Gray fangirl or anything in between, welcome to the dark side where our favorite cake is Death by Chocolate!

FAQ:

Q) What is considered bdsm?

A) Bdsm can be anything out of the social norm including, bondage, sadomasochism, role playing, gender exploration, and age play. THESE ACTIVITIES DO NOT HAVE TO BE SEXUAL IN NATURE.

Q) What kind of people are into bdsm?

A) We're just normal, everyday people that just happen to have floggers hidden in our closets.

Q) What's a munch?

A) A munch is a social gathering at a public venue (usually a restaurant). This is a great way to meet your local kink community in a low pressure environment.

Q) I have other questions...

A) That's what this thread is for! Ask away.

Great Sites to Check Out:

FetLife - https://fetlife.com *NOT for the visually repulsed! But contains great information.

National Coalition for Sexual Freedom - https://www.ncsfreedom.org

 

What is the deal with Cake and this website? 

[borkfork]

32 minutes ago, Sherlocks said:

What is the deal with Cake and this website? 

Hmmm. Gee. Uhhh. Maybe Google knows.

 

 

[Ettina]

On 3/10/2015 at 5:36 PM, Jacinta13 said:

That's actually the only place that came up in my searching so I'll be reading heaps of fanfic for fandoms I'm not in probably, which will be interesting in more than one way.   

Only type of fanfic I like, personally. If I know the story I can't stop thinking "but this didn't happen, this is wrong". If I have no idea who those characters are, I can treat it as a standalone work - a lot of fanfics are better that way. 

 

Anyway, top 5 and hard limits I will give for fantasy, because I have never done any actual kink stuff and don't know if I want to. And because my favorite stuff is impossible to do in reality. 

 

Top 5:

Mind affecting magic (mind control is OK, but just "you must follow my commands" is boring unless it goes wrong somehow)

Incontinence (particularly either have no idea what they should be doing, or have reflex action with no control despite trying to stop it)

Aphasia, apraxia, or cognitive impairments (not exactly age regression, though it can do it, I'd rather it be more about what they can't do rather than them acting childish)

Paralysis or physical injury or illness, if it involves not being able to move around easily (eg feeling weak or faint - think Superman with Kryptonite)

Powerful made vulnerable (vampires, powerful spellcasters, superheroes or villains, or even just someone with worldly power like a ruler)

 

Hard limits:

Sex, especially with blurry consent (I'm actually more OK with outright rape in fics than blurry consent, but even fully consensual bugs me)

No escape (they don't need to overcome the damage, in fact I prefer if they don't, but they do have to have a hope of escaping from the perpetrator someday - one of the reasons why I like having vampire victims in my own stories)

Serious physical injury, blood, broken limbs, etc (pain without injury is OK)

Dirt, mess, etc, being described in 'loving' detail, or anything really gross on the face (eg one fic had a character get a dirty diaper in her mouth - I hated that)

Anything bad happening to a cat  

 

 

And about that quiz, here's my results (which are wrong - I'm not vanilla, I'm too kinky for the test):

  == Results from bdsmtest.org == 
86% Vanilla 
31% Primal (Hunter) 
23% Dominant 
21% Sadist 
19% Girl/Boy 
14% Pet 
12% Rigger 
11% Submissive 
11% Owner 
9% Ageplayer 
8% Master/Mistress 
6% Primal (Prey) 
6% Daddy/Mommy 
5% Brat 
4% Voyeur 
4% Rope bunny 
3% Degrader 
2% Degradee 
2% Brat tamer 
2% Non-monogamist 
1% Switch 
1% Slave 
1% Masochist 
0% Exhibitionist 
0% Experimentalist 

[Sherlocks]

I been on fetlife... 

While I was always into BDSM I not really as shameless as much of the website. 

Thats not a judgement either its just there some people who will walk outside in nothing but a leather corset. I respect that but I not that bold. I prefer my fun behind closed doors. I dont even get that public when I kiss people. 

[borkfork]

@Sherlocks I'm not as bold as most of the site either. I'd never put a photo of myself on Fetlife for numerous reasons. Being part of the kink community in meatspace has helped me learn a lot, though. People respect that I don't want to go home with them, and I have met a few aces IRL at munches and the like. You might be surprised by how many people aren't in corsets or leather at dungeons and play parties (munches are almost always street clothes).

[Sherlocks]

23 minutes ago, borkfork said:

@Sherlocks I'm not as bold as most of the site either. I'd never put a photo of myself on Fetlife for numerous reasons. Being part of the kink community in meatspace has helped me learn a lot, though. People respect that I don't want to go home with them, and I have met a few aces IRL at munches and the like. You might be surprised by how many people aren't in corsets or leather at dungeons and play parties (munches are almost always street clothes).

 

Are you talking about the fet life meet ups? You go to them? 

[borkfork]

32 minutes ago, Sherlocks said:

Are you talking about the fet life meet ups? You go to them? 

Munches predate Fetlife. Fetlife is just a convenient way to advertise them. It's separate from Facebook and no one really uses yahoo groups anymore. They're just friendly meals or drinks at vanilla establishments. Nobody gets hit on or anything like that, it's considered very uncouth. 

 

You can go to classes and other things, too.

[Guest]

On 2/10/2017 at 7:08 PM, Sherlocks said:

What is the deal with Cake and this website? 

It comes from the saying ''cake is better than sex''

 

5 hours ago, Ettina said:

And about that quiz, here's my results (which are wrong - I'm not vanilla, I'm too kinky for the test):

  == Results from bdsmtest.org == 
86% Vanilla 
31% Primal (Hunter) 
23% Dominant 
21% Sadist 
19% Girl/Boy 
14% Pet 
12% Rigger 
11% Submissive 
11% Owner 
9% Ageplayer 
8% Master/Mistress 
6% Primal (Prey) 
6% Daddy/Mommy 
5% Brat 
4% Voyeur 
4% Rope bunny 
3% Degrader 
2% Degradee 
2% Brat tamer 
2% Non-monogamist 
1% Switch 
1% Slave 
1% Masochist 
0% Exhibitionist 
0% Experimentalist 

Yeah my resuIts were compIeteIy messed up. The quiz thought I was hardcore into rope (I'm not) non-monogamy (I'm the most monogamous person I know, monogamy actuaIIy turns me on and I get off thinking about it when I'm singIe) ..and yeah, aII this other nonsense stuff I have .no interest in. It aIso didn't cover anything I am into, Iike hardcore body fIuid consumption, extreme watersports, and other things I won't mention on AVEN. Iame quiz.

 

I enjoyed my time modeling on Fet and discussing kink etc, but someone from here found me there somehow :S and then I found my pics on a different site where someone eIse was making money off them, so I Ieft Fet and probabIy won't go back. But yeah, other than that nonsense I Ioved FetIife, peopIe there are nicer, and more accepting and open-minded than most on AVEN I found. PIus if many of the peopIe here spent any reaI time on Fet they'd see that what many think is ''grey a'' is actuaIIy 100% normaI sexuaI IoI.

[Ettina]

7 hours ago, ℃å℞t☉☧hℹĿẹ• said:

PIus if many of the peopIe here spent any reaI time on Fet they'd see that what many think is ''grey a'' is actuaIIy 100% normaI sexuaI IoI.

Doubt it. Most of the claims I've heard in that vein are based on screwy notions about what sexuality is actually like, or what certain grey identities mean. (Demisexual in particular gets confused with just being monogamous, when it's really quite different.) Plus, FetLife isn't a typical sample of sexuals, and I wouldn't be surprised if there are a lot of grey-aces who don't know they are grey-aces there.

I guess the only time I saw a claim of people being grey-ace and I thought they were 'normal sexual' was when a guy was claiming that anyone who liked sex but was happy in a sexless monogamous relationship was grey ace. But I've seen a pile of weird claims like that women mostly have only responsive sexual desire, which are blatantly not true.    

[Ettina]

Oh, another thing - the mention of kitten play several pages earlier. Is that anything like this?

Dog girlfriend vs cat girlfriend

[borkfork]

8 minutes ago, Ettina said:

Oh, another thing - the mention of kitten play several pages earlier. Is that anything like this?

Dog girlfriend vs cat girlfriend

Kitty play from the BDSM Wiki, wiki walk at your own risk.

[Guest]

8 hours ago, Ettina said:

Doubt it. Most of the claims I've heard in that vein are based on screwy notions about what sexuality is actually like, or what certain grey identities mean. (Demisexual in particular gets confused with just being monogamous, when it's really quite different.) Plus, FetLife isn't a typical sample of sexuals, and I wouldn't be surprised if there are a lot of grey-aces who don't know they are grey-aces there.

I guess the only time I saw a claim of people being grey-ace and I thought they were 'normal sexual' was when a guy was claiming that anyone who liked sex but was happy in a sexless monogamous relationship was grey ace. But I've seen a pile of weird claims like that women mostly have only responsive sexual desire, which are blatantly not true.    

....coming from a ''cupio aro asexuaI'', of course you'd say that. I don't have time to make a proper response right now as I'm on my way out the door, but yeah. I'm not even sure one is necessary after seeing  ''cupio asexuaI'' under your username there. *sigh*

[Ettina]

1 hour ago, ℃å℞t☉☧hℹĿẹ• said:

....coming from a ''cupio aro asexuaI'', of course you'd say that. I don't have time to make a proper response right now as I'm on my way out the door, but yeah. I'm not even sure one is necessary after seeing  ''cupio asexuaI'' under your username there. *sigh*

Cupioromantic, not cupiosexual.

[Ricki]

Lets not turn this safe-area into an argumentative thread!

[kaysir]

BDSM test results from about a year ago:

 

88% Switch

 

80% Sadist

80% Rigger

72% Dominant

72% Non-monogamist

70% Voyeur

69% Master/Mistress

68% Experimentalist

67% Primal (Hunter)

65% Rope bunny

63% Primal (Prey)

62% Masochist

59% Degrader

58% Brat tamer

56% Submissive

55% Owner

53% Vanilla

49% Brat

48% Exhibitionist

45% Daddy/Mommy

30% Slave

30% Ageplayer

24% Degradee

24% Girl/Boy

18% Pet

 

 

BDSM test results from a few minutes ago:

 

89% Switch 

72% Sadist 
70% Rigger 
69% Rope bunny 
65% Experimentalist 
64% Dominant 
63% Voyeur 
63% Masochist 
63% Non-monogamist 
62% Primal (Hunter) 
62% Degrader 
61% Master/Mistress 
60% Submissive 
58% Primal (Prey) 
56% Vanilla 
53% Daddy/Mommy 
52% Brat 
50% Brat tamer 
46% Owner 
40% Girl/Boy 
38% Slave 
32% Ageplayer 
31% Degradee 
27% Exhibitionist 
23% Pet

 

I'd describe myself as sort of a power bottom/a semi-masochist who wants someone to do as I say. I'm sadly a huge pushover who lacks confidence and hasn't ever been comfortable doing sexual stuff, but apparently I'm the most sexually dominant person out of my closest friends? A few of us once tried running a play blog for like 2 seconds, but we all got too nervous and a little ashamed and took it down, haha.

 

I'm not super kinky, but I have a few small interests that most people around me don't like to talk about openly. One of the things I have always liked is a really big mouth with sharp teeth. Venom and Carnage, Aliens and Predators, snakes and goblin sharks, oh and that scene from The Taking of Deborah Logan. [insert OK, water drops, and fire emojis here]

[kaysir]

On 2/12/2017 at 1:59 AM, Pan. said:

Yeah my resuIts were compIeteIy messed up. The quiz thought I was hardcore into rope (I'm not) non-monogamy (I'm the most monogamous person I know, monogamy actuaIIy turns me on and I get off thinking about it when I'm singIe) ..and yeah, aII this other nonsense stuff I have .no interest in. It aIso didn't cover anything I am into, Iike hardcore body fIuid consumption, extreme watersports, and other things I won't mention on AVEN. Iame quiz.

This is why I wish there was some sort of a combo between bdsmtest.org and sexionnaire.com, or at least a more expansive quiz on kinks. I suppose a lot of people would be overwhelmed or bored by so many options, but there are so many kinks the BDSM test didn't include. I also feel like a good few of the questions could have been worded more clearly or even split into two, but I can't say I'd know how to make it much better!

[borkfork]

From what I've seen bdsmtest.org thinks at least 90% of the population is really into rope. Also, some sadomasochists aren't into the D/s dynamic so it got that wrong on mine. 

[Mychemicalqpr]

@kaysir Just wanted to say I can sympathize. I might seem pretty uncloseted here, but in real life I'm an anxious depressed wreck who by no means makes a dominant first impression.  Sometimes I feel guilty about it, like, who do I think I am?  Why do I think I deserve this?  I'm not like the confident sadistic villains you see in media, as much as I like to pretend I can relate to them.  

 

Sometimes I think it could be because of my issues and why they developed that part of me wants control so much. I was a very smothered and sheltered kid.  I often compare my life to that of Rapunzel's, with my mom scaring me straight of everything out there, making me feel bad about asking for things, and limiting my interactions with people to keep me in her tower.  I guess I want to be in control of something for once, but at the same time, I have no clue how to handle being in control of anything and am known for panicking whenever I'm asked to make a decision, especially if asked by any older adult, who I see as being above me.  

 

Sorry if no one wanted to hear all that... I'm not actually sure whether or not this is something that should really be a big deal, but I'm fighting through these thoughts whenever I say anything kink-related. 

[Ricki]

10 hours ago, kaysir said:

BDSM test results from about a year ago:

  Hide contents

88% Switch

 

80% Sadist

80% Rigger

72% Dominant

72% Non-monogamist

70% Voyeur

69% Master/Mistress

68% Experimentalist

67% Primal (Hunter)

65% Rope bunny

63% Primal (Prey)

62% Masochist

59% Degrader

58% Brat tamer

56% Submissive

55% Owner

53% Vanilla

49% Brat

48% Exhibitionist

45% Daddy/Mommy

30% Slave

30% Ageplayer

24% Degradee

24% Girl/Boy

18% Pet

 

 

BDSM test results from a few minutes ago:

  Hide contents

89% Switch 

72% Sadist 
70% Rigger 
69% Rope bunny 
65% Experimentalist 
64% Dominant 
63% Voyeur 
63% Masochist 
63% Non-monogamist 
62% Primal (Hunter) 
62% Degrader 
61% Master/Mistress 
60% Submissive 
58% Primal (Prey) 
56% Vanilla 
53% Daddy/Mommy 
52% Brat 
50% Brat tamer 
46% Owner 
40% Girl/Boy 
38% Slave 
32% Ageplayer 
31% Degradee 
27% Exhibitionist 
23% Pet

 

I'd describe myself as sort of a power bottom/a semi-masochist who wants someone to do as I say. I'm sadly a huge pushover who lacks confidence and hasn't ever been comfortable doing sexual stuff, but apparently I'm the most sexually dominant person out of my closest friends? A few of us once tried running a play blog for like 2 seconds, but we all got too nervous and a little ashamed and took it down, haha.

 

I'm not super kinky, but I have a few small interests that most people around me don't like to talk about openly. One of the things I have always liked is a really big mouth with sharp teeth. Venom and Carnage, Aliens and Predators, snakes and goblin sharks, oh and that scene from The Taking of Deborah Logan. [insert OK, water drops, and fire emojis here]

Often those dominant in their normal life are more submissive in the bedroom, and the normally submissive people become dominant behind the scenes

[Guest Lady.Lizard]

Hi - Lizard here.

Wondering how you knew you were kinky aces? I'm wondering if that might be what I am and sorta looking for other people's experiences.

I did bdsmtest.org and these are my results...I do feel they're accurate, but have no idea what to do about them  

 

91% Dominant 
83% Primal (Hunter) 
76% Vanilla 
74% Rigger 
56% Switch 
54% Master/Mistress 
40% Rope bunny 
39% Brat tamer 
38% Primal (Prey) 
28% Brat 
26% Sadist 
26% Submissive 
25% Experimentalist 
16% Masochist 
14% Degrader 
12% Exhibitionist 
11% Owner 
6% Voyeur 
5% Daddy/Mommy 
2% Ageplayer 
2% Degradee 
2% Girl/Boy 
2% Non-monogamist 
2% Pet 
2% Slave 

[Cosette Belles-Lettres]

Can any Dom/subs help me out? I'm a demi (and a sub) and new to the BDSM scene, and I'm trying to figure out what Doms/subs typically wear, both in private bedroom time and in public (to leather balls, munches, etc.) I tried opening a topic in The Sex Talk, but only one person answered. Here's the link, with more info on my dilemma: 

Any help would be greatly appreciated!

[Ricki]

15 minutes ago, Cosette Belles-Lettres said:

Can any Dom/subs help me out? I'm a demi (and a sub) and new to the BDSM scene, and I'm trying to figure out what Doms/subs typically wear, both in private bedroom time and in public (to leather balls, munches, etc.) I tried opening a topic in The Sex Talk, but only one person answered. Here's the link, with more info on my dilemma: 

Any help would be greatly appreciated!

(just note, that I've never been to one, or seen it so I can't tell you anything for sure, but based off logic):  

I guess it's expected that the Dom would wear less revealing clothes, and the Sub is being shown off, sorta like a trophy. 

The confusing may also be that harnesses are often seen as part of the subs attire, to help with bondage. So maybe get him to wear a bit more, and you wear something like cuffs etc. That aren't attached to anything, but show you aren't the dom...

Tbh, people not realising the person on the leash is the sub, I feel like it's more of them being idiots, rather than you doing anything wrong

[luthienlies]

I got the rush of my life, once in an asexual situation once, something that was not planned but just happened. 

been trying to get back there, but found it impossible to find some one that is in to it the same way as I am....

I am absolutly in the closet both as s/m and even more as asexual...

 

How have you been dealing with it??

[borkfork]

On 3/31/2017 at 6:23 PM, luthienlies said:

I got the rush of my life, once in an asexual situation once, something that was not planned but just happened. 

been trying to get back there, but found it impossible to find some one that is in to it the same way as I am....

I am absolutly in the closet both as s/m and even more as asexual...

 

How have you been dealing with it??

Dealing with what specifically?

[luthienlies]

dealing with feeling alienated, in my case both with the "normal" sexual ways of "conduct" but also by the alternative "normal" known as bdsm 

More of a problem when I was younger and eager to have an identity though.

[urcute08]

I have a question!

Are there any sources you guys would recommend for people who might be curious about the BDSM/fetish/kink world but not willing to do so in to too much detail? I do believe the term is "softcore BDSM"? Novels, comics, tv shows, that touch on the topics but aren't necessarily explicit in nature.

[IvoryStardust]

On 4/9/2017 at 8:26 AM, urcute08 said:

I have a question!

Are there any sources you guys would recommend for people who might be curious about the BDSM/fetish/kink world but not willing to do so in to too much detail? I do believe the term is "softcore BDSM"? Novels, comics, tv shows, that touch on the topics but aren't necessarily explicit in nature.

Fetlife.com is a great source for learning. 

 

Also, hi!  I'm new to this thread but not to Aven or bdsm.  I've been in the lifestyle for about 20 years, both asa Domme and a sub, but I mostly identify as the former.  

[Guest]

On 4/28/2017 at 11:17 PM, IvoryStardust said:

Fetlife.com is a great source for learning. 

One thing with fetlife, is, it can be rather explicit. So, it might not be the best place for people who may be a little repulsed by the sexuality side of it. 

 

On 4/9/2017 at 9:26 AM, urcute08 said:

I have a question!

Are there any sources you guys would recommend for people who might be curious about the BDSM/fetish/kink world but not willing to do so in to too much detail? I do believe the term is "softcore BDSM"? Novels, comics, tv shows, that touch on the topics but aren't necessarily explicit in nature.

Are you looking for a resource that doesn't go into sexual details? Doesn't have nudity? Or just will only teach you the casual BDSM, without going into more extreme scenarios? If we knew what exactly you were trying to avoid, we may be able to more easily provide resources that match what you're seeking.