Kink, BDSM, and Cake

[tearsofash]

I'm really into being a rope bottom for suspension. I usually top electricity though (violet wand or tens unit mixed with sensory deprivation)

[m4rble]

On 12/4/2016 at 6:27 AM, twilightstarr said:

Interesting, but I feel like it might've been backwards from this for me.  I remember a couple times as a kid getting really freaked out in a movie if a character got abducted or captured, particularly if it was a kid, because I was scared of being kidnapped... but now I like bondage. It's kind of like my brain turned it into a kink as a coping mechanism.  Maybe I'm wrong and it doesn't actually work that way; it's just what it seems like. 

I developed sexual interests in things I found the most frightening/fascinating as well. I think part of it is that my brain mistakes the physiological symptoms of fear for sexual arousal. In psychology I read that men were more attracted to women after walking across a scary bridge because they mistook the fear for sexual interest. 

[borkfork]

50 minutes ago, m4rble said:

 In psychology I read that men were more attracted to women after walking across a scary bridge because they mistook the fear for sexual interest. 

I wonder if this has any connection to the seeing a scary movie on a date thing.

[m4rble]

8 hours ago, borkfork said:

I wonder if this has any connection to the seeing a scary movie on a date thing.

I wouldn't be surprised.

[Ms.Frankenstein]

On 12/9/2016 at 3:04 AM, m4rble said:

I developed sexual interests in things I found the most frightening/fascinating as well. I think part of it is that my brain mistakes the physiological symptoms of fear for sexual arousal. In psychology I read that men were more attracted to women after walking across a scary bridge because they mistook the fear for sexual interest. 

That's wild. I can't fathom how someone could *mistake* fear for sexual interest. To me, there's a vast difference between being afraid of something, and wanting to fck it. 

That said, I think adrenaline can *enhance* sexual interest for those so inclined, but that doesn't seem to be the same thing as mistaking one thing for another.

[m4rble]

1 minute ago, Ms.Frankenstein said:

That's wild. I can't fathom how someone could *mistake* fear for sexual interest. To me, there's a vast difference between being afraid of something, and wanting to fck it. 

That said, I think adrenaline can *enhance* sexual interest for those so inclined, but that doesn't seem to be the same thing as mistaking one thing for another.

"Mistake" isn't exactly the correct word here. It's more to do with the physiological similarity to the reactions. I think it might also have to do with the fixation that comes with fear. For me I became sexually aroused by things I find scary but not so disgusting that I can't handle them. For example, the of someone having complete control of another person's body/actions. The idea of this is can cause me stress if I really think about it but this stress also causes me arousal. 

[Ms.Frankenstein]

7 minutes ago, m4rble said:

"Mistake" isn't exactly the correct word here. It's more to do with the physiological similarity to the reactions. I think it might also have to do with the fixation that comes with fear. For me I became sexually aroused by things I find scary but not so disgusting that I can't handle them. For example, the of someone having complete control of another person's body/actions. The idea of this is can cause me stress if I really think about it but this stress also causes me arousal. 

Interesting...I guess the things that could cause me arousal don't cause fear...but would in many people...maybe I'm that warped that the fear is just gone now.  I'm beyond understanding it at this point.

 

Then again, too, my "arousal" isn't sexual. It's sensual....maybe. A desire to touch something, to experience it...that has nothing at all to do with what most people would consider sex. Some sort of fringe of eroticism maybe? That skin-crawling "touch me" feeling everywhere but *down there*.

[m4rble]

Just now, Ms.Frankenstein said:

Then again, too, my "arousal" isn't sexual. It's sensual....maybe. A desire to touch something, to experience it...that has nothing at all to do with what most people would consider sex. Some sort of fringe of eroticism maybe? That skin-crawling "touch me" feeling everywhere but *down there*.

Oh yeah, I know that feeling. Not really related to my kinks though. Perhaps we should have a word for that feeling. Do you know one?

[Ms.Frankenstein]

1 hour ago, m4rble said:

Oh yeah, I know that feeling. Not really related to my kinks though. Perhaps we should have a word for that feeling. Do you know one?

No, I don't. I'm familiar with the concept with sensory seeking individuals (autism spectrum or sensory processing disorder) but I don't know that it's the same thing, although in my case it could be related.

[zulawski]

On 12/4/2016 at 1:27 PM, twilightstarr said:

Interesting, but I feel like it might've been backwards from this for me.  I remember a couple times as a kid getting really freaked out in a movie if a character got abducted or captured, particularly if it was a kid, because I was scared of being kidnapped... but now I like bondage. It's kind of like my brain turned it into a kink as a coping mechanism.  Maybe I'm wrong and it doesn't actually work that way; it's just what it seems like. 

This is 100% my experience too. I really do think that's how it works. My fetish (WAM), which I'd even call my main orientation, is something I found frightening when I saw it on TV age 6/7 but by about age 9 I found it very arousing. I think the developing brain neutralises a fear it finds overwhelming by rewiring it as a kink.

[KittyKat8888]

I don't know exactly what I am on the asexual scale, I know I'm on it I just can't pinpoint well, But I do admit, the idea of BDSM, i'm more into the lighter stuff is appealing to me, like being pinned down with my hands above my head and being bit (not too harshly though) especially on the lips or neck to shoulder area is really appealing to me. 

[if-indeed]

On 12/2/2016 at 4:26 PM, alwayslookingtolearn said:

So do you like kink just to please your partner? I recently figured out that I like it myself but I don't really know why I like it. I'm interested in non sexual bdsm and why people would go through the trouble to perform it in real life.

Not that at all!  I enjoy nonsexual kink a lot, and have multiple friends I do it with.  For personal reasons I don't like being tied up, but I enjoy the spontaneity and creativity of being able to basically make rope art on someone else's body.  It's just a personal hangup I have about touching people and consent in situations like that.  Also I've been thinking more about it lately, and I get nerves and feel clumsy when I top in general--bottoming for pretty much any kink comes more naturally to me.  I love bottoming for impact play and feel no awkwardness about that at all, even if it's my bare skin involved.  It's when I take on the role of the more active partner that it's more effortful for me (which makes sense, I think).  TBH I've stopped calling myself a rope top, and I rather consider myself a bottom who likes tying people up.

 

Which is to say that for the most part I don't feel like I'm "going through the trouble" to do anything.  I'm a masochist, and I enjoy pain without any sexual component to it at all; I'm an artist who enjoys working with the human form, and I enjoy doing aesthetically pleasing things with rope on other people, again without any sexual component.  It's not any effort for me to keep sex out of it.  I just naturally don't associate the way I engage in kink with sex.  The big thing for me is finding other partners who will respect that I don't want sex with my kink, and who are willing to hit me for the sake of hitting me or get tied up for the sake of being tied.  And ime they're not too hard to find.

[yeehaw123]

On 8/25/2014 at 9:12 AM, Poots said:

I am not nor do I want to be a kinkster, but I found this thread interesting to read on a topic I don't know much about

Same here! it's quite interesting 

[Ms.Frankenstein]

Does anyone here have a good link out two for educational resources about various aspects BDSM? I really enjoy Submissive Guide and Kink Weekly for instance.  I have a hard time finding sites with good info that aren't heavily sexualized and I've read through most of what's on the ones I like. 

[_V_]

I decided to pop in here because my girlfriend is interested in BDSM. I myself am not really into it, but I want to at least try it for her. Of course, it kind of makes me feel uncomfortable, and I'd always be worried about hurting her (she's submissive, into bondage). I'm not exactly capable of being dominant, I'm just not that kind of person, but I still want to please her. I told her it would make me kind of uncomfortable, and she told me she doesn't want to do anything unless I'm perfectly okay with it. I just feel like I'm letting her down, like I should be able to do this for her. I'm willing to disregard my personal feelings about it in order to please her, but she doesn't want me to, and I feel like I wouldn't be much good at it anyway.

[Ricecream-man]

On 1/15/2017 at 7:09 PM, _V_ said:

I decided to pop in here because my girlfriend is interested in BDSM. I myself am not really into it, but I want to at least try it for her. Of course, it kind of makes me feel uncomfortable, and I'd always be worried about hurting her (she's submissive, into bondage). I'm not exactly capable of being dominant, I'm just not that kind of person, but I still want to please her. I told her it would make me kind of uncomfortable, and she told me she doesn't want to do anything unless I'm perfectly okay with it. I just feel like I'm letting her down, like I should be able to do this for her. I'm willing to disregard my personal feelings about it in order to please her, but she doesn't want me to, and I feel like I wouldn't be much good at it anyway.

 

Well first off, why does it make you feel uncomfortable?

 

Second, you can still engage in parts of it without the other.

For instance, bondage. You can still learn about bondage, rope ties, sensation play, etc. and engage in those activities without being "dominant".

 

Plus "dominance" is subjective. You can still be dominant and care about your partner. Dominant doesn't mean being selfish or overly controlling all the time. You can look at it as you being in charge of her pleasure/joy as well. Service topping is a thing too.

[_V_]

9 minutes ago, Ricecream-man said:

 

Well first off, why does it make you feel uncomfortable?

 

Second, you can still engage in parts of it without the other.

For instance, bondage. You can still learn about bondage, rope ties, sensation play, etc. and engage in those activities without being "dominant".

 

Plus "dominance" is subjective. You can still be dominant and care about your partner. Dominant doesn't mean being selfish or overly controlling all the time. You can look at it as you being in charge of her pleasure/joy as well. Service topping is a thing too.

So, to answer your first question, I'm not one for acting, and it just makes me uncomfortable to in a sense, be someone I'm not. I know it's not necessarily part of BDSM, but it's something my girlfriend said she would like. We're working that out, currently.

 

I'm figuring out what kind of role she wants me to play, what stuff we should do, and balancing what we're comfortable with and what she would enjoy. It's a process, I guess. I'm pretty sure we can work it out eventually, though. Thanks for the information, anyway.

[Mychemicalqpr]

I need to get some stuff out and feel maybe kind of safe here? I don't want to feel bad about myself. I'm so sick of feeling bad about myself for various other things. So when I hesitate to say something mildly fetishy--even if it's something others would probably think nothing of like just mentioning that I like vampires--sometimes I push through. Usually when I push through anxiety, afterwards I'm glad I did it, but with this, sometimes I get mad at myself. Why do I like this gross stuff? Why can't I spare other people from having to listen to my bloodlust? Why can't I control myself? Ugh, this sounds almost like a rant out of a Twilight copycat. Even just after posting here, sometimes I feel guilty and selfish for wanting to have control over someone and thinking I deserve to have that. Then after those not exactly assertive feelings, it seems silly to think I'm cut out to be a Dom anyway. If I actually got the chance, I'd probably be too apologetic about it to pull it off. 

[Guest]

There isn't anything gross about fetishes, twilight. Nothing to be mad at yourself for.

[Ricecream-man]

4 hours ago, _V_ said:

So, to answer your first question, I'm not one for acting, and it just makes me uncomfortable to in a sense, be someone I'm not. I know it's not necessarily part of BDSM, but it's something my girlfriend said she would like. We're working that out, currently.

 

I'm figuring out what kind of role she wants me to play, what stuff we should do, and balancing what we're comfortable with and what she would enjoy. It's a process, I guess. I'm pretty sure we can work it out eventually, though. Thanks for the information, anyway.

I'm not sure what you mean by "acting" but it seems like you guys have something figured out. Good luck!

[_V_]

Do any of you have any information on bondage that I could read up on, like what kind of rope to use, what knots I could use, etc.?

[_V_]

Just now, Ricecream-man said:

I'm not sure what you mean by "acting" but it seems like you guys have something figured out. Good luck!

What I mean by "acting" is just playing a part. She says she'd be interested in things like slave play, and having me be an assertive dominant, and that's not something I can normally do/be. I'd have to act the part, I guess. That's not really something I'd be capable or super comfortable doing. That's kind of what I mean.

[Guest]

33 minutes ago, _V_ said:

Do any of you have any information on bondage that I could read up on, like what kind of rope to use, what knots I could use, etc.?

Is your partner specifically into rope? Or just being tied up? I ask, because, for a beginner it's easier to use cuffs and such that just lock on than learn knots, how to not harm their partner with tying the knot too tight, etc. A way to ease into bondage is to go with the "tamer" side first, then work up to the rest. 

 

But, if you want to learn about rope specifically, TheDuchy has a lot of information on rope bondage. 

[_V_]

1 minute ago, Owly McOwlFace said:

Is your partner specifically into rope? Or just being tied up? I ask, because, for a beginner it's easier to use cuffs and such that just lock on than learn knots, how to not harm their partner with tying the knot too tight, etc. A way to ease into bondage is to go with the "tamer" side first, then work up to the rest. 

 

But, if you want to learn about rope specifically, TheDuchy has a lot of information on rope bondage. 

Handcuffs would be difficult for us to get a hold of. She's into rope, and she says that handcuffs scare her, so that's another reason. I'm going to buy some safety shears as well for if I need to cut her loose in case of cutting off circulation, a knot I can't untie, etc.. I'm doing my best to be prepared in the safety department. I already know a simple handcuff knot, I just don't really know what rope to use, and some of the other more complicated knots, such as harnesses, single-point cuffs, etc.

[Guest]

10 minutes ago, _V_ said:

Handcuffs would be difficult for us to get a hold of. She's into rope, and she says that handcuffs scare her, so that's another reason. I'm going to buy some safety shears as well for if I need to cut her loose in case of cutting off circulation, a knot I can't untie, etc.. I'm doing my best to be prepared in the safety department. I already know a simple handcuff knot, I just don't really know what rope to use, and some of the other more complicated knots, such as harnesses, single-point cuffs, etc.

Oh, I didn't mean handcuffs. I meant cuffs, as in the leather cuffs that just comfortably sit around your wrists and lock into place with a latch or padlock. Then you tie ropes or chains to those. No risk of nerve damage, etc if you do those wrong. Which is why it might be a little easier to start with, for some people.

 

There is also http://www.bdsmwiki.info/Beginner_Rope_Bondage ... note: I have not looked at all of this link, but it has no nudity on the one page I linked. Be warned I do not know if the rest of the site will or not. So click at your own risk. 

 

Edit: And as for being dominant, it doesn't come naturally to me either, personality wise I am quite.. docile. But, when you're playing, it can be a bit less uncomfortable than you'd think. Since you're not actually being mean, you're doing what they want, it can be like a game. And if she wants to be a slave, you don't have to start out being a cruel master in the roleplay... and build things up as you get comfortable with it. BDSM is all about trust and communication. I'm sure your partner will be OK with you taking things slow until you get comfortable with it. And if you do not get comfortable, remember, you can and should say no! 

[_V_]

So, I know it's a little odd to go ahead and just share personal stuff, but I guess it's part of a new experience for me, so I might as well go ahead. So my girlfriend and I were talking about what we'd do together when "in private" and, I was telling her that I really did want to put her wants and needs before mine. I said I didn't really have many needs, and I could be satisfied without sex. She responded with, "Then I'll make you have needs." I can't describe how arousing it was to hear her say that. I realized, being submissive, being under someone else's control, having someone order me around, was something I would enjoy. Thinking back, it makes sense to me now, but I'm still surprised that I hadn't realized it before. It took me by surprise. Now, the only trouble is, both of us are really submissive, and neither of us are really good at being dominant, especially not her.

[_V_]

You know, I'm wondering, what do all of you think of Fifty Shades of Grey?

[Winter Holly]

We've not read it, but it's infamous as an example of the sort of prurient fantasy wherein we kinksters are perverts, and a hideous romanticisation of rape culture.  Here's something from the first page of search results we got, which we just read and find to more or less reflect the opinions we've run into online so far: 

http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/joey/2013/09/02/50_shades_of_bs_how_to_tell_the_difference_between_kink_and_abuse

 

On 12/10/2016 at 11:36 AM, m4rble said:

Oh yeah, I know that feeling. Not really related to my kinks though. Perhaps we should have a word for that feeling. Do you know one?

We think you're talking about skin hunger.  We've had it pretty intensely, too. 

On 12/23/2016 at 11:33 AM, KittyKat8888 said:

I don't know exactly what I am on the asexual scale, I know I'm on it I just can't pinpoint well, But I do admit, the idea of BDSM, i'm more into the lighter stuff is appealing to me, like being pinned down with my hands above my head and being bit (not too harshly though) especially on the lips or neck to shoulder area is really appealing to me. 

Haha, we have the same sensual arousal zones! 

On 1/21/2017 at 0:12 PM, Ricecream-man said:

 

Well first off, why does it make you feel uncomfortable?

 

Second, you can still engage in parts of it without the other.

For instance, bondage. You can still learn about bondage, rope ties, sensation play, etc. and engage in those activities without being "dominant".

 

Plus "dominance" is subjective. You can still be dominant and care about your partner. Dominant doesn't mean being selfish or overly controlling all the time. You can look at it as you being in charge of her pleasure/joy as well. Service topping is a thing too.

We ourself are switchy, leaning to submissive.  For us, "dominance" is about articulating adoration, in our case in large part by returning the favour of indulging our submissive impulses by taking our partner to the same sort of headspaces they take us to, because we're both switchy.  We've been to a headspace which we suspect of being the "topspace" we've heard of, wherein we feel almost like we're reading our playmate's mind, and it's a bit of a wonderful power trip, too. 

On 1/21/2017 at 0:27 PM, twilightstarr said:

I need to get some stuff out and feel maybe kind of safe here? I don't want to feel bad about myself. I'm so sick of feeling bad about myself for various other things. So when I hesitate to say something mildly fetishy--even if it's something others would probably think nothing of like just mentioning that I like vampires--sometimes I push through. Usually when I push through anxiety, afterwards I'm glad I did it, but with this, sometimes I get mad at myself. Why do I like this gross stuff? Why can't I spare other people from having to listen to my bloodlust? Why can't I control myself? Ugh, this sounds almost like a rant out of a Twilight copycat. Even just after posting here, sometimes I feel guilty and selfish for wanting to have control over someone and thinking I deserve to have that. Then after those not exactly assertive feelings, it seems silly to think I'm cut out to be a Dom anyway. If I actually got the chance, I'd probably be too apologetic about it to pull it off. 

We hope you can overcome that social programming and assimilate through every fibre of your being that your kinky interests are beautiful, not gross.  Any capacity for pleasure through completely harmless, fully consensual activity is beautiful, and the only perverts are the ones who think otherwise- who think that what you enjoy is their business rather than yours.  Whatever your kinks, there are peops who share them, and now that internet access is ubiquitous, you can find some of them to talk to.  Hopefully you also live in a place where the local BDSM community is healthy and safe, so you can make friends at munches and have those conversation in-person, and find playmates if you're looking for some.  We recommend educating yourself about consent culture until it's soaked into every corner of your mind, to properly calibrate your intuition for evaluating the health of your local community. 

[Guest]

I think 50 shades is ... terrible tbh. There was a lot of non-consent and being "punished " out of anger due to messing up. Not cool. Also the not upholding hard limits on either side, stalking, controlling friends. Ew.

[Sunflowerfield]

I have a non-sexual QPP and we have recently started experimenting a bit with power dynamics, bondage/domination and sub/dom roles in our relationship. It's been really interesting! I used to think that BDSM was all about kinky sex but the power play side of it is fascinating from a psychological point of view. I've also noticed that I really like having a submissive role in our relationship, which surprised me a bit. I think we have both learned a lot about ourselves and it has been an intriguing experiment!