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Kink, BDSM, and Cake


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Feral_Sophisticate

Very true.

I'm a bit of a sadist, so I'll scratch the wrong side, mock her discomfort and what not... And then scratch. :ph34r:

Well I like you already. People often forget sadism isn't all about beatings, fish hooks, and vise grips. Sometimes an itchy noise can be torture!

As I've probably said many times on FetLife, and probably alluded to here, inflicting physical torment is an easy game. It's when you can torture your victim with consensual mental and emotional torment, that's when things start to get really interesting... :)

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Hey all. Thought I say him at least. Not contributing much to the thread other then the hello, but I don't have much time. Darn MCAT studying.

Anyway, I'm glad this thread is here. I'm a sub. I love sensation play, not necessarily pain, but that can be part of it. But anything that makes me feel. I also like bondage, mainly rope. And yeah, I think the nose itching happens to all of us. Annoys me until there's something else to think about.

So anyway, hi. I'm glad there are other kinky people on this site.

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Hey all. Thought I say him at least. Not contributing much to the thread other then the hello, but I don't have much time. Darn MCAT studying.

Anyway, I'm glad this thread is here. I'm a sub. I love sensation play, not necessarily pain, but that can be part of it. But anything that makes me feel. I also like bondage, mainly rope. And yeah, I think the nose itching happens to all of us. Annoys me until there's something else to think about.

So anyway, hi. I'm glad there are other kinky people on this site.

Hi! Good luck on your MCAT! :cake:

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TooOldForThis

Not sure if I can actually define myself as a kinky asexual, since the relationship of kink to sexuality is still unclear to me, but I do have an intense interest in some things which are both off the beaten track and relatively common objects for fetishes (blood, power dynamics, blades, etc.) So even if I'm not technically kinky, I like to talk to kinky people about these things, because we typically have a lot in common :)

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DippityDerp!!! You're in the Leicester area?? :D So am I ^_^ I live in a small village called Newbold Verdon, what about you?

Slightly more on topic, however, I found out that I love having my knee... stimulated? O.O Its feels soo good :3

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Oh wow! o: I'm in Syston. Thats like half an hour drive o.o

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Community Discussion:

Since we've seen a lot of traffic from people new to the lifestyle, I'd like to ask you all where you'd like to see this topic go. Would you like to see 1) more education on different fetishes and kinks, 2) more tips on how to navigate the kinky lifestyle safely, or 3) more personal experiences from people already in the lifestyle? And why?

As always, death by chocolate :cake: for everyone!

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Community Discussion:

Since we've seen a lot of traffic from people new to the lifestyle, I'd like to ask you all where you'd like to see this topic go. Would you like to see 1) more education on different fetishes and kinks, 2) more tips on how to navigate the kinky lifestyle safely, or 3) more personal experiences from people already in the lifestyle? And why?

As always, death by chocolate :cake: for everyone!

I'd like to see more of #3, as so far I've been able to get some good info on Fetlife about the other two (though not everyone here is on there, of course). Though you can also find a lot of #3 there too, most of it isn't from an asexual perspective.

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There is something that is bugging the heck out of me that I don't quite yet have the nerve to ask about on Fetlife (not that I don't think anyone could answer it, but I'm guessing that most people there are already beyond this issue). Here's the issue: I am struggling terribly with that which interests me in the sense that I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around the ramifications of such a choice. I would imagine that this is far more of a conflict for those who are in the position of receiving (submissives, bottoms, etc) rather than those who are giving. In other words, how does one cope with the notion of actually wanting something that is normally considered "bad" (meaning those things that are painful, uncomfortable, frightening, etc - things that most people would go out of their way to avoid)? And not only wanting it, but liking it? And also such actions sometimes having a sexual component for those who have a libido (and of course for most sexuals)?

See, I met someone at a munch not long ago, and I am in discussions with this person about them doing "X" to me eventually. But all the while I'm thinking to myself "what the hell is wrong with you?" "why on earth would you want/let anyone to do that to you?" "you're crazy..." etc, etc. And I can't at all square this with the way I usually am in the course of my life. I'm strong, resourceful, independent and normally if I thought about anyone doing anything like that to me I'd kick their ass. Normally never in a thousand years would I let someone do something like that to me if I could help it. But this is so different. Yet it still causes such a massive conflict within me, which takes up a huge amount of mental energy to try and deal with.

Anyone experience this? Any ideas on what to do about it?

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I'd love to hear more about any of those things Lauren Bear :D This is new territory for more me, and I want to know as much as I can.

However, I do believe a couple of issues may crop up for me in particular, which Schrecken touched upon somewhat. Essentially, I am very attracted to the idea of doing these things, but I'm scared of the moral implications of it. I am very philosophical and reflective in nature (in other words I think too much :L), and so, I'd need... Well I don't know really... Advice? Comfort? O.o

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Sarcastic Bob

There is something that is bugging the heck out of me that I don't quite yet have the nerve to ask about on Fetlife (not that I don't think anyone could answer it, but I'm guessing that most people there are already beyond this issue). Here's the issue: I am struggling terribly with that which interests me in the sense that I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around the ramifications of such a choice. I would imagine that this is far more of a conflict for those who are in the position of receiving (submissives, bottoms, etc) rather than those who are giving. In other words, how does one cope with the notion of actually wanting something that is normally considered "bad" (meaning those things that are painful, uncomfortable, frightening, etc - things that most people would go out of their way to avoid)? And not only wanting it, but liking it? And also such actions sometimes having a sexual component for those who have a libido (and of course for most sexuals)?

See, I met someone at a munch not long ago, and I am in discussions with this person about them doing "X" to me eventually. But all the while I'm thinking to myself "what the hell is wrong with you?" "why on earth would you want/let anyone to do that to you?" "you're crazy..." etc, etc. And I can't at all square this with the way I usually am in the course of my life. I'm strong, resourceful, independent and normally if I thought about anyone doing anything like that to me I'd kick their ass. Normally never in a thousand years would I let someone do something like that to me if I could help it. But this is so different. Yet it still causes such a massive conflict within me, which takes up a huge amount of mental energy to try and deal with.

Anyone experience this? Any ideas on what to do about it?

To be honest I think it all comes down to this: if you're comfortable with it, then go ahead; if you're not, then don't. If I've read it right, from what you've posted it sounds like you're really uncomfortable with what they've suggested, in which case all you have to do is refuse to go through with it.

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There is something that is bugging the heck out of me that I don't quite yet have the nerve to ask about on Fetlife (not that I don't think anyone could answer it, but I'm guessing that most people there are already beyond this issue). Here's the issue: I am struggling terribly with that which interests me in the sense that I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around the ramifications of such a choice. I would imagine that this is far more of a conflict for those who are in the position of receiving (submissives, bottoms, etc) rather than those who are giving. In other words, how does one cope with the notion of actually wanting something that is normally considered "bad" (meaning those things that are painful, uncomfortable, frightening, etc - things that most people would go out of their way to avoid)? And not only wanting it, but liking it? And also such actions sometimes having a sexual component for those who have a libido (and of course for most sexuals)?

See, I met someone at a munch not long ago, and I am in discussions with this person about them doing "X" to me eventually. But all the while I'm thinking to myself "what the hell is wrong with you?" "why on earth would you want/let anyone to do that to you?" "you're crazy..." etc, etc. And I can't at all square this with the way I usually am in the course of my life. I'm strong, resourceful, independent and normally if I thought about anyone doing anything like that to me I'd kick their ass. Normally never in a thousand years would I let someone do something like that to me if I could help it. But this is so different. Yet it still causes such a massive conflict within me, which takes up a huge amount of mental energy to try and deal with.

Anyone experience this? Any ideas on what to do about it?

So I'm not sure what you are into, so I'm not sure if this will be greatly helpful, but I'll try.

In terms of wanting "bad" things done to you, for me, it is a mindset and way of looking at it. It's also a whole lot of brain chemistry. I like sensational play, so pain, wax, feathers, etc. it all leads to endorphins being released, and your brain responding and making you happy, etc. That's the easy part, that's the science, right?

So how do I justify wanting someone to tie me up and pour wax on me? Personally, I don't too much anymore. I don't care what society thinks about it. But since I saw your question I've been giving it some thought and remembering my first freak outs on the matter. And really, it's not that bad or different from other activities people pursue when you dig deep into it. The damage marathon runners inflict on themselves is worse then a hard session would do to my body. People stick needles through their skin for the sake of fashion. There's lots of examples out there of things that would deep down be "bad". However, it's all about seeking out endorphins and being happy in your own body. I played sports really competitively as a kid; I have had broken bones and torn ligaments as a result. What was that for? I liked it, it made me happy. It inflicted more damage on my body then BDSM ever has or will. It's more socially acceptable, but it is no less "bad" when you dig down to the roots of it.

Then, there's a whole lot of trust and relationship building that goes into it. If some stranger off the street tied me up, I would freak out. It wouldn't be a happy thing. I would never drop or relax in the situation. However, when it is someone you trust in an agreed upon setting with limits, it's freeing. It's because you trust someone that you can get the happy brain chemistry. Marathon runners hit a runners high, but they wouldn't if they were fleeing from a bear. It's all circumstance.

Honestly, you have to examine it for yourself and figure it out. But breaking it down to the basics helps me. So much of this is figuring yourself out and understanding yourself and being comfortable enough with yourself and your partner to let go and enjoy. You have to deal with these things first or you'll never get what you are expecting out it. At least, I couldn't. Maybe some of the others could do it without all the soul searching, but I spent a very long time figuring myself out before being okay with doing anything remotely like this.

I might offline for a bit here. MCAT in 4 days, but I'm more than happy to answer any questions afterward. Hope this could help a little, even if I'm not sure it was what you were looking for.

Hey all. Thought I say him at least. Not contributing much to the thread other then the hello, but I don't have much time. Darn MCAT studying.

Anyway, I'm glad this thread is here. I'm a sub. I love sensation play, not necessarily pain, but that can be part of it. But anything that makes me feel. I also like bondage, mainly rope. And yeah, I think the nose itching happens to all of us. Annoys me until there's something else to think about.

So anyway, hi. I'm glad there are other kinky people on this site.

Hi! Good luck on your MCAT! :cake:

Thanks. I'm getting along with physics this weekend, so it might all be okay.

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Is it possible to like being a "bottom" and being tied up, but also be mentally/emotionally sadistic to your partner? I like that.

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I feel the same way as Schrecken. I find it really hard to square away what I want with how I have been brought up to think. For example, I don't mind pain because I've used it forever to control myself, but I am really interested in losing control and agency. That thought scares me, because I have been taught that control is paramount. However, I find the idea...wonderful. Terrifying, and wonderful at the same time. I would not mind being on bottom, I was basically a born sub

It isn't that I am uncomfortable with the idea, it is that I am uncomfortable with being comfortable with the idea. We've been brought up to avoid certain things, to find them repulsive or perhaps simply unwanted. However, some of us are built in such a way that those things become very attractive...which clashes with what we have been brought up to believe: This leaves us feeling very conflicted.

I will admit I am more interested in a kind of romantic BDSM with someone trusted or a SO, nibbling, blind-folds, sensation and lack thereof, little whips, getting tied up, little claw marks, and I don't mind the idea of playing the other role if I need to though, I find it exhausting. I am willing to do most whatever though, kind of a total perv :redface:

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Feral_Sophisticate

I feel the same way as Schrecken. I find it really hard to square away what I want with how I have been brought up to think. For example, I don't mind pain because I've used it forever to control myself, but I am really interested in losing control and agency. That thought scares me, because I have been taught that control is paramount. However, I find the idea...wonderful. Terrifying, and wonderful at the same time. I would not mind being on bottom, I was basically a born sub

It isn't that I am uncomfortable with the idea, it is that I am uncomfortable with being comfortable with the idea. We've been brought up to avoid certain things, to find them repulsive or perhaps simply unwanted. However, some of us are built in such a way that those things become very attractive...which clashes with what we have been brought up to believe: This leaves us feeling very conflicted.

I will admit I am more interested in a kind of romantic BDSM with someone trusted or a SO, nibbling, blind-folds, sensation and lack thereof, little whips, getting tied up, little claw marks, and I don't mind the idea of playing the other role if I need to though, I find it exhausting. I am willing to do most whatever though, kind of a total perv :redface:

I find that with many people (myself included), the hardest part about getting into the kink/fetish lifestyle is getting over the socio-cultural preconditioning. We're taught that nice people, respectable people don't enjoy hurting, degrading, humiliating or inflicting suffering on other nice, respectable people, even if they consent to it.

When I first got into the scene, that is something I had to come to terms with, but I was able to get over it, and realize that there was nothig inherently wrong with what I do, or what I'm into, provided that the person I'm with gives consent, and that they can legally give that consent.

Getting past this perceived obstacle is easier with a trusting partner, of course, and you've really hit the nail on the head, here:

It isn't that I am uncomfortable with the idea, it is that I am uncomfortable with being comfortable with the idea.

The main obstacle with trying anything new, of course, is that it pushes us out of our comfort zone. Fear is a powerful demotivator. I'm one of those who thinks that the only real growth we experience is when we force ourselves to step out of our comfort zones. I find that in doing so, I have the opportunity to achieve things that I never would have thought possible.

The greatest achievement I've accomplished through this - and the most profound lesson I've learned in the past few years - is the discovery that one can have a highly erotic, sensual and kinky relationship, without sex being involved.

Had someone told me that was possible prior, I might have considered it possible but highly improbable.

So yes, I've stepped out of the box. Honestly, I haven't looked back - or regretted taking those steps - since.

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Sorry for being off the grid so long! Things got crazy busy this week and I fell behind because working one armed is a lot harder than it looks, especially when it's not your dominant hand...

But speaking of dominant:

Is it possible to like being a "bottom" and being tied up, but also be mentally/emotionally sadistic to your partner? I like that.

It is indeed possible. There are varying degrees of power play and exchange in all kinky relationships. The amount of power you'd hold in any given scene should be negotiated at the beginning. It's completely possible to be the dominant/top in a scene where you would generally be perceived as the bottom. For example, in a homosexual male scene (used here just because top and bottom sexually are more easily defined), the dominant of the scene may be the bottom sexually and has control of his submissive's every action even though the submissive is in the traditional place of power. There are also shades of gray in the dom/sub world, you've got topping from the bottom, smart-assed masochists, and switches to name a few. I tend to top from the bottom if I'm working with a new rope top who is just learning how to tie. As the more experienced person, it is my partially responsibility to keep myself safe and guide the top during a scene.

Anywho, back to the reason I got on here in the first place before I got distracted catching up on what I'd missed... I had my first erotic dream ever... No sex involved, no nudity, but definitely hot and heavy in the bdsm department. It obviously had weird dream qualities, like my brother wearing Dr. Who leggings and my top guy giving me a loaf of bread, but accurate kink wise. Oh, and it's the first time I've ever been male in a dream. Well, at least mostly male... Can't remember if I had female genitalia at any time in the dream. All I remember is I had an erection. Biologically I'm female and have always been female in my dreams, but I label myself as gender fluid... Here's where things are going to get

TMI ALERT! (Rated M for masturbation talk... Lol)

I've almost always been in a male mindset/gender when I masturbate.

END ALERT!

I guess that's why I was male for the first time ever in a dream... Still don't know why it took almost 22 years to have an erotic dream, though. I figured you either had them or you didn't. So weird.

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Wow... I'm going to have to digest all this information, but you guys will have been a great help ^-^ Especially Rochnariel and Feral :)

Speaking of dreams, I had my first kink dream a few nights ago. As is usually the case with my dreams, I was 'watching' as an outside observer... Anyway TMI SECTION There was this completely nude woman being flogged by a man who was dressed in a suit, completely in black... Idk why, but I couldn't see "his" face, but I could see hers O.o I'm a little fuzzy on the details beyond that, other than the fact that she had short (slightly above shoulder length) black hair. Everything was in a sort of black and white too...

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how many aces here are actually on FetLife? I just joined (by recommendation) and I personally like extreme imagery ... buuut.. I have met a lot of kinky aces here (my own partner included) who really don't enjoy pornographic images heh.. if they have a kink or fetish, they rather practice it with their lover or imagine it in their head, or seek out images of their specific kink, as opposed by being bombarded by images of men being fucked with strapons and women being electrocuted while giving each other oral :p of course there are aces who love the whole range of imagery but I have noticed that lots of my personal kinky ace friends will recoil at the image of a penis or naked arse,and that's fine!d everyone to their individual preferences I say :) .. but I just thought I'd put this here for other kinky

aces who may have been recommended FetLife and are considering joining ..it seems like a great place! but if you can't handle pornographic images EVERYWHERE (like, even on your profile editing page haha) don't go there :p . that aside.. they have the option to chose asexual in the orientation section,so that's great! ^_^

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Guest Scarlet Spider

Woah! This thread might or might not be my kid of place.

Also, hello Rochnariel you're also from Michigan?! :o

I once had a woman i was dating and she wanted to often tie me to a chair. Not sure if that was her being kinky or not but she definitely gave me the impression that she was.

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MCAT over. I'm back. Glad I could help Guftders. I wasn't sure how much sense I was making which all the science in my head. Pretty sure I couldn't care on a conversation with my roommate for a few days there,

Woah! This thread might or might not be my kid of place.

Also, hello Rochnariel you're also from Michigan?! :o

I once had a woman i was dating and she wanted to often tie me to a chair. Not sure if that was her being kinky or not but she definitely gave me the impression that she was.

Hi Kiryu. Welcome to the thread. I live in Ann Arbor. Born and raised in Michigan.

how many aces here are actually on FetLife? I just joined (by recommendation) and I personally like extreme imagery ... buuut.. I have met a lot of kinky aces here (my own partner included) who really don't enjoy pornographic images heh.. if they have a kink or fetish, they rather practice it with their lover or imagine it in their head, or seek out images of their specific kink, as opposed by being bombarded by images of men being fucked with strapons and women being electrocuted while giving each other oral :p of course there are aces who love the whole range of imagery but I have noticed that lots of my personal kinky ace friends will recoil at the image of a penis or naked arse,and that's fine!d everyone to their individual preferences I say :) .. but I just thought I'd put this here for other kinky

aces who may have been recommended FetLife and are considering joining ..it seems like a great place! but if you can't handle pornographic images EVERYWHERE (like, even on your profile editing page haha) don't go there :p . that aside.. they have the option to chose asexual in the orientation section,so that's great! ^_^

I'm sort of on FetLife. I'm not very active or on very often, but I have the same username on there. I only have so much time to spend online, so I hang out here more often. The imagery doesn't bother me either. I grew up playing sports, spending lots of time in locker rooms. Naked pictures don't bother me, so matter how sexual. I tend to look at the rope or bondage or whatever in the picture and basically ignore the naked body. Everything else in the picture always intrigues me more.

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Guest Scarlet Spider

@Rochnariel: Awesome, me too! I was born in Charlotte and then lived in Olivet for about 15 years, then moved to Battle Creek for another year and now I live in Vermontville. :wacko:

I actually like bondage and BDSM, I just don't know how many other people do. Leash and collar is another one of my favorites. Personally, i've never tried any of these but they do look somewhat appealing. I don't know, i think everyone has their own little type of kink but they just don't go in detail about what that may be. Kind of like a "behind closed doors" discussion with someone else, or said partner. Also, for some reason i become increasingly aroused by bisexual intercourse a lot too. not sure if that's just another type of kink to me or i'm a little bi-curios.

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I keep peaking my head in, wanting to join in and well here I am~ hello. I'm on FL, under the same username - eeriesilence. I'm rather into BDSM - rope play and impact play being major kinks for me. I'm really curious about my conscious/subconscious mind, how they interact, the limits of both, and exploring all the inner grooves of what makes me, me. BDSM is both one such groove, and a good outlet for these curiosities of mine. Finding limits, testing them, and breaking them/building off of them.

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how many aces here are actually on FetLife?

*Raises hand* I go by Shh-Secret :)

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I have also joined Fetlife, and if you really want to, you can find ways to block out most or all of the offensive images (this was a big reason that I hesitated about going on there in the first place). Ad-blocking software does wonders at getting rid of the ads, many of which are IMO rather nasty to look at. And there are a few image blocking software programs out there that will kill everything - avatars, profile pics, etc. So there are ways to browse the site and not see anything but text. I don't use the image blocker much any more, and I just try to ignore grody avatars, which thankfully are very small and low rez. But yeah, seeing sights that probably only a medical resident would see on a day to day basis (especially if they are going thru an OB-gyn rotation) gets pretty old......

My username on there is ms_vanhelsing. I know what I think I'd like, but as I said previously I'm still trying to cope with the conflicts I have with what I'm into. It has actually become a little easier now that I have actually experienced one of my interests, as I had my very first scene this past Friday night. It was really incredible, and was every bit as awesome as I'd always imagined it would be (and better yet, the dom I played with has an excellent understanding of asexuality, even though he is not asexual). It has worked out quite well for me so far, since I'm a total noob when it comes to actually doing anything kink related, and this was my first time acting on this particular kink fantasy. I'm glad I went on Fetlife (had to have something to do with AVEN down!) because I've met some cool people already in person, and I have a great play partner (one who was/is willing to work with an asexual kink noob like me).

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Feral_Sophisticate

My FetLife name is the same as mine here. I'm happy to talk kink stuff with anyone - including asexuals - and can easily keep the sexual bits out. After all, I do that, now, for my girl.

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I think my FetLife name is Ficto_Rex.. I literally only just joined like,yesterday morning though heh so no info yet... just a rather dodgy pic of me in a corset hahaha.. haven't had any net time recently but looking forward to sorting out my profile info and having a look around :)

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pastelcutiemark

This thread is great! I'm a kinkster & I find that being a kinky ace is kinda hard, too. Sometimes I get these "so why are you on a fetish site if you're ace" messages. It's a bit frusturating, honestly. I'm on fetlife & have joined a kinky ace group, & I'm getting a lot of great support there, so I have some hope.

Thanks for making this thread, @A-Mazing.

PS: my fet name is also pastelcutiemark, if anyone would like to friend me. :3

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I'm La_Renee on Fet and you can find me here: https://fetlife.com/users/2138156

I don't do much with it activity wise, but I'm there on a frequent enough basis to carry on a conversation. Speaking of FetLife, anyone got any funny experiences/messages from there? I remember this one message I got that verbatim, in all CAPS said "I LIVE NEXT TO SPRING HILL HIGH SCHOOL!!!" I was all like, ummmmm... Congratulations? I mean, WTF? This was a 40-something guy probably looking for a booty call, but of all things, why did he sound so excited that he lived next to the local high school and why did he think I'd care?

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I made an account and have since.. forgotten my username and email *facepalm*

He sounded pleasant, Lauren... in a completely creepy way of course O.o

I looked on fetlife for a bit but it was a big, confusing place and I lost interest after a short time, I prefer the interactivity on these forums.

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