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I'm becoming more acutely aware of my resentment for being born


Philip027

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Specifically, my resentment toward my mom. Technically speaking, I should be talking about resentment for both my parents, but I've pretty much always resented my dad for other reasons anyway, so he doesn't deserve a mention here beyond the one I've already given him. Even if it wasn't for this aspect of myself, I'd still hate him.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my mom. Probably more so than I'll ever be able to love another human being. She has supported me for all of my life thus far and likely will continue to do so for the foreseeable future. But the fact is... I hate it here. I hate this world. I hate this prevailing and overbearing sense of unbelonging. I hate this pathetic, dreary excuse of an existence that looks to yield no worthwhile payoff no matter how I go about carrying out said existence. And I feel like that hatred is bleeding into other things, like my relationship with my mom. I hate her for bringing me into this world that I hate, into a life that I hate, all for what was just some form(s) of self-gratification for her.

And yet... she's pretty much the only reason I bother to carry on living. It's been like this for me for years now. It's not just me that depends on her; she has admitted to the fact that me entering the picture brought her out of a dark period of her life, and she would be just as lost without me as I would be without her.

So where the hell does that leave me?

She is approaching retirement years, and is continuously looking into plans for me to be able to take care of myself once she is no longer able to do so for me. Yet I find myself completely not caring, because once my mom isn't in the picture anymore, I am not going to have any reason anymore to stick around. Sure, circumstances could change between now and then, but these circumstances have not changed for me in over 10 years and by this point I personally believe it's folly to assume that they would.

I feel trapped, in a life I never wanted or asked for. And it feels douchey to admit, but I hate her for it.

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Didn't really mean to post this in Off-A, but whatever, I suppose that works.

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Specifically, my resentment toward my mom. Technically speaking, I should be talking about resentment for both my parents, but I've pretty much always resented my dad for other reasons anyway, so he doesn't deserve a mention here beyond the one I've already given him. Even if it wasn't for this aspect of myself, I'd still hate him.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my mom. Probably more so than I'll ever be able to love another human being. She has supported me for all of my life thus far and likely will continue to do so for the foreseeable future. But the fact is... I hate it here. I hate this world. I hate this prevailing and overbearing sense of unbelonging. I hate this pathetic, dreary excuse of an existence that looks to yield no worthwhile payoff no matter how I go about carrying out said existence. And I feel like that hatred is bleeding into other things, like my relationship with my mom. I hate her for bringing me into this world that I hate, into a life that I hate, all for what was just some form(s) of self-gratification for her.

And yet... she's pretty much the only reason I bother to carry on living. It's been like this for me for years now. It's not just me that depends on her; she has admitted to the fact that me entering the picture brought her out of a dark period of her life, and she would be just as lost without me as I would be without her.

So where the hell does that leave me?

She is approaching retirement years, and is continuously looking into plans for me to be able to take care of myself once she is no longer able to do so for me. Yet I find myself completely not caring, because once my mom isn't in the picture anymore, I am not going to have any reason anymore to stick around. Sure, circumstances could change between now and then, but these circumstances have not changed for me in over 10 years and by this point I personally believe it's folly to assume that they would.

I feel trapped, in a life I never wanted or asked for. And it feels douchey to admit, but I hate her for it.

Hatred is poisonous to your soul. Learn not to hate but to reconcile with you inner being. I chose not to have kids for the same reason "What if they don't want to be born?" I know I sure didn't ask to to be born. However, like it or not, I am here. Humanity has disappointed me once too many times even when I asked nothing of it. I have always been a giving person, feeling that is what makes my life meaningful. Even when I asked for nothing back, I get screw by the people I help. At 37 years old, I finally tell myself. I am not going to do this anymore, I am not going to go out of my way to help anyone anymore, I'm tired of getting screwed.

Having an elderly dependent is tough and stressful, but try not to hate.

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It's not douchey to admit that, but it does make you a douche.

Thanks for your invaluable and unambiguous input.

Hatred is poisonous to your soul. Learn not to hate but to reconcile with you inner being. I chose not to have kids for the same reason "What if they don't want to be born?" I know I sure didn't ask to to be born. However, like it or not, I am here. Humanity has disappointed me once too many times even when I asked nothing of it. I have always been a giving person, feeling that is what makes my life meaningful. Even when I asked for nothing back, I get screw by the people I help. At 37 years old, I finally tell myself. I am not going to do this anymore, I am not going to go out of my way to help anyone anymore, I'm tired of getting screwed.

Having an elderly dependent is tough and stressful, but try not to hate.

Hmm, my issue isn't really with altruism (I'm fine with giving, I just don't feel like I have a lot to offer) or with having an elderly dependent (as much as my mom seemingly loves to trumpet about how she has to do this and that because she could be dead tomorrow, she's really not that old yet or otherwise in any sort of imminent danger of expiring). My issue is more with the fact that she seems obsessed with making sure that there's a future for me when she's gone, that as of right now I can't see myself wanting in the first place. I feel like she's wasting both of our time.

As for the hatred thing, I can't really help that. Maybe some people can convincingly pretend everything is all honky-dory when it really isn't, but I sure as hell can't. People have no chance of getting over problems by pretending they don't exist.

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I'm similar to you in a few ways. I'm deeply resentful that I was born into this world, or specifically, to this species. On the other hand I've never really had to put much effort into "succeeding" at life because luck and my half hearted efforts have proved more than enough.

The irony of course is that I can't fully make use of this success because I don't believe in indulgence and I'm a bit of a minimalist. In addition, I've built up a seething hatred for the injustices humanity has forced on this world and on itself. I'd have no qualms about wiping out the majority of humanity if I had the means to but since I don't, I've taken up the frustrating role of fixing people's mistakes out of a sense of duty.

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Yes, your mom brought you into the world (and your dad, too) but it is your responsibility to live it. I get the sense that this isn't about your mom doing anything wrong. You don't sound very healthy, mentally speaking. Did it sound vaguely suicidal, or am I just reading between the lines? If you feel so terrible about the state of your life that you see no reason for it, have you sought professional help for yourself? Have you considered that you're maybe not in the right state of mind to realize that there are many other reasons to live, and that perhaps you're just stuck in a rut of illogical thinking and negative emotions? Start out thinking of things that make you happy, what you're interested in doing, people you care about, goals you have. Those are all reasons to live (and that's just a start). I know what chronic depression feels like and I know it can all seem hopeless and futile, but no matter how cloudy it is the sky is still blue above it, even if you can't see it. You just need to find a way to see that the sky is blue and that your life is full of opportunity. I hope you find the strength to seek help and you find a way through this.

Also, someone just posted advocating mass murder. ::backs out of forum slowly::

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SorryNotSorry

While I never really hated my mother, I did understand that she and I had totally different mentalities, so I never tried to figure her out. To try would have been a fool's errand.

It's the job of parents to raise their kids, not to understand what's going on in their heads. If the latter was true, parents would be like big kids themselves, and in this world we live in, such parents get hollered at for being unfit to raise kids.

I do understand, however, that my mother most likely had me during a time in her life when she was starry-eyed and dreaming of a life together with me and my old man... but that SOB turned out to be a womanizer who was probably planning his next sexual conquest. Small wonder my mother acted like she resented my existence after my lousy excuse of a father deserted his wife and child.

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Did it sound vaguely suicidal, or am I just reading between the lines?

For the time being? No, I'm not. I certainly wish I wasn't here, but I'm not actively looking to kill myself.

Now, if my mom wasn't around tomorrow for whatever reason? Then yeah, I wouldn't just be suicidal, I *would* kill myself. I'd have no reason to stick around in this shithole any longer.

If you feel so terrible about the state of your life that you see no reason for it, have you sought professional help for yourself?

Yes, I've tried. All "professional help" has ever managed to do was charge me money (which in itself makes me feel even more burdensome than I already do) to make me feel even worse about myself. I'd rather go talk to a wall.

Have you considered that you're maybe not in the right state of mind to realize that there are many other reasons to live, and that perhaps you're just stuck in a rut of illogical thinking and negative emotions?

Of course I have. But like I said, this has been going on for over a decade and no end is in sight. If this is a "rut" it sure is one hell of a long one.

Start out thinking of things that make you happy, what you're interested in doing, people you care about, goals you have.

Nothing makes me happy anymore. Not truly happy. There used to be such things but they've gradually died off.

My only real interest was my video gaming, and even that's waning to the point where the people I play with have recognized my downward shift in mood and demeanor.

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Thanks for your invaluable and unambiguous input.

No problem! I'm glad you found it useful. ^_^

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binary suns

Yeah, I really resent both my parents for many reasons, even tho they've put themselves out to raise me forever... And there's a lot about my life that I just feel incapable. I somehow have a job that pays well enough and will stick to me... but everyday I force myself to wake up and drive to work, I really have no clue how long I can do this before quitting. And then without income, my bills will catch up with me within a month... I'll be screwed, I really am scared about where my life will go. I guess these aren't the same worries that you have, but the point in me saying, is that I've felt so down my entire life... somehow I've been satisfied pushing forward, finding ignorant bliss in the videogames and netflix to tune out the pain, and I always hold hope that my future will turn a little brighter with the bare minimum of effort I'm putting into it. I only wish to share my own experience here... I honestly don't have confidence that I could reccommend solutions to people who aren't me... everyone can be different...

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Artistofnoname

I was only born because of failed birth control. Despite that I know I am here for a reason...just like you are. Maybe you just have yet to see that. It doesn't matter how or why we were born, we didn't ask to be born, but here we are.

Life is a very valuable thing that God has given us.

I used to be resentful of my parents too for being emotionally or physically distant but I realized that was no way to live. They did the best they could for me even if it was less then perfect or well thought out.

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Hooded_Crow

Hi Philip,

First off, I don't think it's your 'responsibility' to live in this world and I don't think you have to feel guilty for the hate you're feeling. I don't think anyone should ever feel guilty for something that they can't change. Your hate is not your doing. It's just there.

Now. I wonder what your thoughts on afterlife are? Are you hoping for something better after you're gone or do you simply believe that nothing would be better than what you have now?

Don't feel obligated to answer that, as it's possibly none of my business, but are you or have you ever been on antidepressants? I am on them right now, as I've just recently been going through a depression. The way I see it, my brain was making me feel this way.

If you haven't always felt this way, then maybe your brain is playing a nasty trick on you?

I don't think there's really anything any of us can do, apart from listen when you need to talk, but I can suggest you write or get in touch with these people: http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

They're in the UK, but you can send an email from wherever in the world. They helped me through the depression. And they don't charge anything. Please try? It doesn't cost anything. Just on the off chance that it helps.

Love.

Crow

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I was only born because of failed birth control. Despite that I know I am here for a reason...just like you are. Maybe you just have yet to see that. It doesn't matter how or why we were born, we didn't ask to be born, but here we are.

Life is a very valuable thing that God has given us.

Well, that's cool that you can think that way. Personally, if I had been told those were the circumstances of my birth, I would have offed myself a long time ago.

Now. I wonder what your thoughts on afterlife are? Are you hoping for something better after you're gone or do you simply believe that nothing would be better than what you have now?

The latter. I want to just not exist in this world. I don't belong here.

Don't feel obligated to answer that, as it's possibly none of my business, but are you or have you ever been on antidepressants?

Only very briefly, ages ago. They made me violently worse so I wasn't on them for long.

I don't think there's really anything any of us can do, apart from listen when you need to talk, but I can suggest you write or get in touch with these people: http://www.samaritan...-you/contact-us

They're in the UK, but you can send an email from wherever in the world. They helped me through the depression. And they don't charge anything. Please try? It doesn't cost anything. Just on the off chance that it helps.

You're right, I wasn't expecting anyone to be able to do anything, but thanks for the link anyway.

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I hate all the breeders in the world. Nothing personal for my own - could have been anyone.

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Hooded_Crow

You're right, I wasn't expecting anyone to be able to do anything, but thanks for the link anyway.

I wasn't expecting anyone or anything to be able to help either. But as it turns out, a lot of the way we feel and think can be put down to brain chemistry. Just because one type of antidepressants didn't work doesn't mean another won't. I'd say, it's worth trying to get more suited help. Worst case scenario, it doesn't change a thing. Best case scenario, you feel better and end up wanting to live.

I also believe that there's nothing after. But nothing is not necessarily better. Do you have good moments, where you have fun or connect with other people? Even briefly? Do you have any idea why it is that you feel you don't belong?

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Philip027, on 18 Jul 2014 - 05:48 AM, said:Philip027, on 18 Jul 2014 - 05:48 AM, said:

My issue is more with the fact that she seems obsessed with making sure that there's a future for me when she's gone, that as of right now I can't see myself wanting in the first place. I feel like she's wasting both of our time.

I started worry that way about my daughter when she hit 30. If a parent didn't feel that way about a child who needs help, I'd think that anyone would call that parent unloving and negligent. It may not be her legal responsibility to make sure you're OK when she goes, but she must consider it her moral responsibility. Are you going to blame her for that? I'm a little surprised -- because most people on AVEN complain that their parents don't care about them and treat them badly, and you're complaining that she cares enough to worry about your future. And if you think (or feel) that instead, she should figure, "Oh well, I don't care if he leaves life just because I die", that seems a little inconsistent with the person you've said she is.

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I'm a little surprised -- because most people on AVEN complain that their parents don't care about them and treat them badly,

Sounded to me like emotional blackmail of the childish sort - if you don't do this or that then you don't love me.

and you're complaining that she cares enough to worry about your future. And if you think (or feel) that instead, she should figure, "Oh well, I don't care if he leaves life just because I die", that seems a little inconsistent with the person you've said she is.

It's a "she should have minded her own fucking business x years ago". Can't really right the wrong of birth x years after the fact. It's a lose-lose, the only way to win is not to play the game called "have a baby". So, yeah... you lose. :mellow:

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Warning: Rather blunt (I'm assuming that by the fact that this is on a public forum you do genuinely want to hear peoples real opinions on what's been said).

You're probably already aware of this... but it's irrational to resent your mum for bringing you into the world and wanting you to do well in it. You were born with the full potential to be happy and successful in life. How you live and feel now... well that's on you (if she actually intentionally did something awful to you that screwed you up then that's another matter). She loves you and wants you to be happy, considering how many people there are in the world who's parents couldn't care less, or don't have parents at all, I actually find it somewhat amusing (and also incredibly sad) that you hate her for caring. Also I personally think that living for her sake doesn't make much sense, she's an adult and should take responsibility for her own life and happiness, just as you should take responsibility for yours. Please note that this is not me saying you should just kill yourself. As someone who has attempted suicide in the past and is immensely grateful to the people who saved my life (although I hated them for it at the time), I strongly advise against it.

Anyway, I hope that you feel better eventually.

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You're probably already aware of this... but it's irrational to resent your mum for bringing you into the world and wanting you to do well in it. You were born with the full potential to be happy and successful in life. How you live and feel now... well that's on you

Complete bullshit of whatever potential you speak of aside, "Your life - your problem", huh? I all but subscribe to that, but... there is one single instance where it's not valid, and this is pretty much it - parent-child relations.

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alucard, on 18 Jul 2014 - 2:00 PM, said:
ohdearIzzy, on 18 Jul 2014 - 1:43 PM, said:

You're probably already aware of this... but it's irrational to resent your mum for bringing you into the world and wanting you to do well in it. You were born with the full potential to be happy and successful in life. How you live and feel now... well that's on you

Complete bullshit of whatever potential you speak of aside, "Your life - your problem", huh? I all but subscribe to that, but... there is one single instance where it's not valid, and this is pretty much it - parent-child relations.

Alu, I for one have no idea what you're trying to say, in this post or the previous one.

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Do you have good moments, where you have fun or connect with other people? Even briefly?

Yes, but they're certainly not as common as they used to be, and it feels like they're outweighed by all the negativity I experience now.

Do you have any idea why it is that you feel you don't belong?

Yes. What it primarily comes down to is that I don't care about things. Even the things that most people care about. Things that most people live for, are inconsequential to me. Things that I think are not working properly or just are plain morally wrong with the world are just blindly accepted by others because "that's the way it's always been"

Too much of the world just does not make sense to me.

I started worry that way about my daughter when she hit 30. If a parent didn't feel that way about a child who needs help, I'd think that anyone would call that parent unloving and negligent. It may not be her legal responsibility to make sure you're OK when she goes, but she must consider it her moral responsibility. Are you going to blame her for that? I'm a little surprised -- because most people on AVEN complain that their parents don't care about them and treat them badly, and you're complaining that she cares enough to worry about your future. And if you think (or feel) that instead, she should figure, "Oh well, I don't care if he leaves life just because I die", that seems a little inconsistent with the person you've said she is.

The thing is that she's not worrying about me in the right way. She wants me to keep on living in a world that, as I've already quite clearly established, I don't want to live in. She does not fully comprehend the discontent that I feel (which isn't surprising for her, because she's terrible at catching on to and dealing with emotions)

Everything that she's doing right now is completely pointless because, as I've said, I've no intention of sticking around when she goes. If she were really, truly worried about my future, she would be trying to deal with that. Right now, what she's doing is more helping herself than it is helping me.

You're probably already aware of this... but it's irrational to resent your mum for bringing you into the world and wanting you to do well in it.

That's easy for someone who's apparently content with the world they're living in to say. I don't fall in your category.

Also I personally think that living for her sake doesn't make much sense, she's an adult and should take responsibility for her own life and happiness, just as you should take responsibility for yours. Please note that this is not me saying you should just kill yourself.

I'm pretty much all that she has anymore aside from her own mother, who is in her 90s and could very well not be around anymore sometime soon. I'm sure that she would be a wreck without me, just as I would be without her.

There is no outside happiness available for me to take responsibility for. This is all I've got. You might not be saying that I should just kill myself, but frankly, that's all what you're saying amounts to.

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alpacaterpillar

Try being creative, maybe? I have an imaginary world that is really more important to me than anything else. I'm only writing about it because it's all I'm really passionate about and I'd rather make a living out of something I enjoy than something I don't enjoy. Creativity is part of how I got out of my depressive phase (though I can't say how bad that was relative to others' depressions).

If you liked playing video games, was that because it was a form of escapism? Why not try new forms of escapism? Experiment with possibilities.

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Try being creative, maybe? I have an imaginary world that is really more important to me than anything else. I'm only writing about it because it's all I'm really passionate about and I'd rather make a living out of something I enjoy than something I don't enjoy. Creativity is part of how I got out of my depressive phase (though I can't say how bad that was relative to others' depressions).

I'm way too literal and uncreative for that to work :/

If you liked playing video games, was that because it was a form of escapism? Why not try new forms of escapism? Experiment with possibilities.

In a sense, that was probably what it eventually became even if it didn't necessarily start out that way (I wasn't always depressed and disenchanted with the world). It was probably me living through the imaginations of others since I didn't have any myself.

What other sorts of escapism have you considered?

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alpacaterpillar
I'm way too literal and uncreative for that to work :/

What other sorts of escapism have you considered?

Are you any good at thinking about things in an abstract way? The reason I ask is that most of my imaginary world is reasoned out in such a way; I use cause and effect to establish how certain things create more things, or if I encounter a new idea I think about how it works and try to find a place I can fit it in.

I'm not sure, really. Maybe try looking for ideas? Look up stuff - anything - on Wikipedia or something, see if anything catches your interest. Or maybe get a new video game? What was it about video games that caught your interest? Was it just the escapism, or were there other things too?

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Alu, I for one have no idea what you're trying to say, in this post or the previous one.

In the post before last I addressed your "misunderstanding" over what the complaint is about here, saying we complain because parents care and what not, even though the actual matter is plainly spelled out in the topic title.

And in the last, I expressed my utmost displeasure over the reasoning in the "your life - your problem" style being invoked in favor of the very maker of the life in question. While technically sound, in this case it's a piece of finest assholery.

That and the matter whether children are being born with the full potential to be happy and successful in life or not. Children are born with whatever potential their parents pass on to them even when there's none - poverty being passed down from generation to generation for example.

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alucard, on 19 Jul 2014 - 11:12 PM, said:alucard, on 19 Jul 2014 - 11:12 PM, said:

That and the matter whether children are being born with the full potential to be happy and successful in life or not. Children are born with whatever potential their parents pass on to them even when there's none - poverty being passed down from generation to generation for example.

Well, I can agree with most of that. Children are not born as perfect creatures with any later regressions being the fault of their parents. Children are born with a complex set of genes made up of two haplotypes, and their environment factors into their post-natal development, including brain development. However, poverty doesn't absolutely have to be passed on from generation to generation, if the youngest generation receives the necessary support from the community (financial/education) which their parents can't provide.

But I still don't understand your previous statements. Put that down to my (current, at least) dumbness. Or dumbity. I like that word better than stupidity.

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However, poverty doesn't absolutely have to be passed on from generation to generation, if the youngest generation receives the necessary support from the community (financial/education) which their parents can't provide.

Or if the previous generation finds the quality of life they can offer, or lack thereof, not to be something they want to be responsible for spreading around by having children and causing other people trouble with them. But then again, it's not the people who create life that are gonna live it, so not much chance of that happening...

By 'community' you don't mean their fellow poor around them that they share most of their living space with, do you? Rather the rich who live miles over miles away and really have next to nothing to do with them, right?

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Hooded_Crow

I'm not a professional, but to me, what you describe sounds an awful lot like depression. And depression is an illness, not the normal way for a person to feel. I strongly, strongly suggest that you seek help for that. Even if you've had a bad experience of people trying to help you before, please don't give up. If a specific therapist or medication doesn't succeed in helping you, then by all means, go find another one.

I know it feels like the way you think about the world right now is the proper way. It feels like you're right to feel this way. It feels like going back to being happy would only be naive and hiding from the truth.

But it is possible not to feel that way anymore. It really is.

Were you happy before? Do you know when these feelings started?

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