Female sexual dysfunction versus asexuality

[LittlestButterfly]

I'm extremely frustrated, and apparently the only way "treatment" is to treat a dysfunction as asexuality. Now this is screwed up because asexuality is a variation of human sexuality, like heterosexuality, bisexuality, homosexuality, pan, demi, etc., and you wee born how you are. You don't become something later, and you can't change your sexuality. This has been a major part of the argument against treating homosexuality as a mental illness. If a sexual person can turn asexual, then an asexual can turn sexual, and who would argue that that's fair to say?

Sexual dysfunction isn't a variation of sexuality. An outside factor or something changes. I was a very sexual person until about six years ago, and my sex drive plummeted. No drugs, no alcohol, no sexual assault, nothing, caused it that we know of. My husband's a trooper and hasn't been pressuring me or anything about this either. It's disparaging to me to try claiming that some change in my body is just a variation of sexuality, and it's disparaging to sexuality to suggest that something that can change is the same thing, which indicates a belief that a gay person can become straight by trying hard enough.

Well, there are effective treatments for men on the market. But there are none for women, and, unlike male sexual dysfunction, there's debate over whether or not it can even exist. Men sometimes need help maintaining an erection, which makes it real for them. Women can just lube up and lay back and go through the motions. So there's nothing on the market to help us women. It's not only a lack of any desire anymore, but a lack of ability to respond to stimulation.

Which puts me in the position of being told that the best treatment at this point is to treat it like asexuality. I'm devastated, to say the least. It also puts me in a bad position with my husband. Either he had to remain pretty much celibate the rest of his life (he would never pressure me, and he wouldn't enjoy me just going through the motions with him using my body like a pleasure object), or I've got to talk him into taking a mistress (which he doesn't want). This profoundly changes our marriage. What we thought might be treatable isn't.

Before all of this, physical closeness used to stir a sexual longing, that usually led to sex. Now? If we're physically close, he gets that longing, and I don't, which makes it like a tease to him that won't have a payoff later. So, more often than not, we don't sleep in the same bed because I don't want to inadvertently tease him.

So now I'm not sure where to go from here. I don't want to have to treat something that's broken in me as if it's the same as a normal variation on human sexuality (again, asexual/gay/bi/straight/etc is how you're born), but apparently that's the only choice I have. I went through all the natural remedies before seeing doctors, and all that's left is to try to figure out how to handle this devastation over the lack of treatments for women.

[Too Old for this Site]

OK, first, my heart really aches for you...it's obvious the frustration of this situation and the strain it's putting on the most important relationship in your life has become overwhelming. I don't really have any advice to give, because I've never been a sexual person. I could give you the suggestions everyone gave me when I was struggling with this in my younger years, but won't - they didn't work, and it sounds like you've already tried all of that and more already.

There are just a couple of things that it doesn't sound like your doctors have done a good job of explaining.

1) Asexuality is an orientation, not a a dysfunction. It's not temporary. If you were a very sexual person in the past, you still are.

2) The fact that your libido has gone on vacation doesn't mean you're dysfunctional either. The human libido can be affected by all sorts of things (not just trauma or illness), and it goes through phases. From what I've heard my married friends tell me over the years, it's very common for couples who have been married a long time to go through what you're going through right now. Stress about not having a sex drive can only make things worse, so even though this is SO much easier said than done, you really are going to have to deal with the stress of this. This might be through a creative activity, through working out, through getting involved in volunteer work, or something social - anything that will get your mind into a more positive, affirming place.

My guess is that this might be just a natural stage of your life, and if you let nature take it's course - it will, and you'll be back to feeling like yourself in due time.

[Philip027]

It's disparaging to me to try claiming that some change in my body is just a variation of sexuality, and it's disparaging to sexuality to suggest that something that can change is the same thing, which indicates a belief that a gay person can become straight by trying hard enough.

Just because something is capable of changing doesn't mean we can will it so.

[Sally]

Asexuality is not the same as a low/no sex drive. You can find out more information about asexuality by checking the Front Page on AVEN.

[WhenSummersGone]

I think if you want sex or you are interested in it then you can still be sexual. Low or loss of sex drive/libido can come from many things and shouldn't make you asexual, although you may feel like you are. So I agree with Sally that they are different.

[LittlestButterfly]

It's been six years. So it's been more than temporary. There's no desire at all. Mentally I'll find men attractive (and my husband is hot enough to get hit on in my presence, which I rather enjoy), but that's the extent of it. I CAN'T orgasm anymore. I don't have ANY sexual urges anymore.

I know a dead sex drive and asexuality aren't the same thing. Problem is there's no effective treatment, meaning having to just accept it. I don't want to, but medical science is more concerned about the male sex drive.

[Chewy]

Either he had to remain pretty much celibate the rest of his life (he would never pressure me, and he wouldn't enjoy me just going through the motions with him using my body like a pleasure object), or I've got to talk him into taking a mistress (which he doesn't want). This profoundly changes our marriage. What we thought might be treatable isn't.

I am not understanding. If you have no libido, doesn't mean you are sex repulsed? You are still a sexual person, so why can't your husband have sex with you? Maybe I am just not understanding something about sex.

[WhenSummersGone]

It's been six years. So it's been more than temporary. There's no desire at all. Mentally I'll find men attractive (and my husband is hot enough to get hit on in my presence, which I rather enjoy), but that's the extent of it. I CAN'T orgasm anymore. I don't have ANY sexual urges anymore.

I know a dead sex drive and asexuality aren't the same thing. Problem is there's no effective treatment, meaning having to just accept it. I don't want to, but medical science is more concerned about the male sex drive.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately I still think this is a male driven world and female issues are still untreated. I thought feminism was supposed to help issues like this and I hope they do soon. Women are still fighting for the rights to be on birth control, have abortions and other things like that. If males had birth control it would be free tomorrow! It sucks and I hope something changes for you.

[LittlestButterfly]

Either he had to remain pretty much celibate the rest of his life (he would never pressure me, and he wouldn't enjoy me just going through the motions with him using my body like a pleasure object), or I've got to talk him into taking a mistress (which he doesn't want). This profoundly changes our marriage. What we thought might be treatable isn't.

I am not understanding. If you have no libido, doesn't mean you are sex repulsed? You are still a sexual person, so why can't your husband have sex with you? Maybe I am just not understanding something about sex.

I'm not repulsed. I just have no libido. Mentally I want something my body physically doesn't desire or respond to. Sure, my husband technically could have sex with me. But if I'm lacking all desire, then this would make me an object for his sexual desire rather than an aroused participant.

[LittlestButterfly]

It's been six years. So it's been more than temporary. There's no desire at all. Mentally I'll find men attractive (and my husband is hot enough to get hit on in my presence, which I rather enjoy), but that's the extent of it. I CAN'T orgasm anymore. I don't have ANY sexual urges anymore.

I know a dead sex drive and asexuality aren't the same thing. Problem is there's no effective treatment, meaning having to just accept it. I don't want to, but medical science is more concerned about the male sex drive.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately I still think this is a male driven world and female issues are still untreated. I thought feminism was supposed to help issues like this and I hope they do soon. Women are still fighting for the rights to be on birth control, have abortions and other things like that. If males had birth control it would be free tomorrow! It sucks and I hope something changes for you.

It is. Doctors know the primary reason why men's sex drives usually dye out, as well as how to treat it. For women, the primary explanation for why we get aroused at all is that it's "in our heads." Well, what happens when a woman is mentally aroused, but her body doesn't respond? Oh that's right, send me to therapy, which failed miserably, and resulted in finally being told to treat it like asexuality and learn to accept it since modern medicine isn't sure. Apparently they're starting to think maybe estrogen causes arousal for women, or maybe the thyroid. Nothing is addressing what happens when the body just plain stops responding to stimulation. Instead the answer is to treat is like a sexuality instead of a medical problem, which I think is really demeaning to both sides.

[Guest]

it's rather a question of culture. It's connected with patriarchal system wanting women always to be read for sex and every exception is treated as a disease.

I still have an impression that nowadays sexology still sticks in the XIX c criteria with women hysteria and many more. I've never heard on male hysteria BTW :) .

I believe education is still important. It should be targeted also for medical professional; as many people on this forum complained about their total ignorance and lack of basic knowledge on asexuality.

Coming back to your sexuality, I suppose you can be demi or gray.

[noparlpf]

There are actually some drugs that can help counteract HSDD. It's also possible that another underlying medical condition is causing it. What doctor told you that there's nothing to be done and just sent you away? Go see another doctor.

But yeah, on another note, the way psychiatry looks at male and female sexual dysfunctions is really sexist. I had a whole rant about how the DSM-5 handles the two, but I'll spare you for the moment.

[LittlestButterfly]

Noparlpf, I wasn't "just sent away." This comes after therapy, several blood panels, etc. The drugs available are for MEN. Research into FEMALE dysfunction has only been going on slightly over a decade. Medical science figured out what causes libido-drop in men AND how to take care of it BEFORE someone got the bright idea that it might be a good idea to help the women whose sex drives die out, and since then, there've been a lot of people claiming that FSD doesn't exist and was created by pharmaceutical companies to sell us a cure for what doesn't exist even though women have complained about this for far longer than anything was even done for me. So no, there aren't drugs for women yet. There was a promising one, but it's been pulled and is now back to stage II testing.

Hayley, my primary doctor does know about asexuality. What little is known about is how to treat FSD when doctors aren't sure yet what is even responsible for female sexual response and arousal. Thyroid? Estrogen? Testosterone? What happens when all of those are normal, like for me? Research keeps debunking, then returning to, each of those.It really doesn't help how many people fight the existence of FSD, and push against any funding for it.

There's a documentary called Orgasms, Inc, that is by a woman who clearly decided the outcome before she started, and then found weak evidence to back up her position that deadening libidos is a manufactured problem. It's not some made-up problem when it's impacting people's everyday lives around the world, not just here in the US.

[jsx0]

LittlestButterfly, that sounds like a rough deal. That's what I feel like whenever the reality of my own situation hits me: a really tough hand to be dealt. I don't claim to have anything figured out, but I think I can relate to your distress. I feel perked right at some sort of unsolvable border between sexual dysfunction and asexuality myself, and that neither of the two sides really fits without some massive loss or inconsistency.

On a side note that doesn't change the fact that the sexual medical industry really does seem to tilt heavily against women, it might interest you to know that the male-geared drugs don't cover the entire spectrum of male sexual dysfunction either. I've tried the male ones and they made little to no difference in sexual function; whatever is the case with me doesn't seem to be what the drugs address. This makes me feel like I'm in a similar place to you - forced beyond me to be less sexual than I would like for the sake of what I imagine would make my life work, and trapped in a conflict without a clear possible resolution.

What I can say for sure is that there's an element of near-apocalyptical pain to my being in this position - I might be very wrong, but I feel it on the tone with which you describe your situation - that is more under control than it seems. If I do from time to time feel devastated, as you put it, it is still true that most of the time I don't. Even if I have no idea whether or not I can wrestle a more sexual being out of myself, it is still true that the distress this causes me, while occasionally very intense, doesn't have to tip into despair. There are worst places to be.

[Kitty Incognito]

It doesn't make sense for drug companies to ignore FSD since they could probably make a mint if they could successfully treat it, but I think you're right that they do mostly ignore it. Since it doesn't prevent intercourse, it's not a priority for them I guess. The makers of Viagra were looking into using it to treat FSD years ago, but obviously that didn't pan out.

I probably have FSD myself... my libido is almost non-existent right now and there are definite physical causes for it. Of course, the first place my doctors and husband went was that it was all psychological and that I was just depressed, over stressed, or needed more "me" time. In a way though, my low libido has helped me to discover my greysexuality too. Both have caused major problems with my marriage, but it sounds like my husband is far less supportive than yours.

All I can say is hang in there and know you're not alone.

[MoraDollie]

Low or no libido does not make you sex repulsed. Sex repulsion is extremely dislike/fear/hatred of sex or sex-like activities.

I don't believe anyone just "becomes" an orientation. I believe people use orientation terms to feel more comfortable with expressing who they feel like they "really" are. I feel like if someone feels the urge to change what orientation they believed they were, it's because you become more "in tune" with what your body really wants. You can't change the chemical reactions on a consciously level that go off in your brain when you see someone.

[Debster]

First of all, I concider myself a demi. In my younger years I didn't understand all the bru-ha-ha sex seemed to generate in so many people.

A couple of years back I felt I wanted to talk to my doc about my lack of sexual desire to see what could be done. My doctor (D.O.) gave me a list of three herbal tinctures to try. After some research I decided to try damiana; I'm sorry I don't recall the name of the other two. I have to say damiana seemed to make it a bit easier to experience some sexual sensations, but I am a demi so perhaps the affect was minimal because I'm not, and never have been a sexual person. You, on the other hand are a sexual person so perhaps it would help you as an otherwise sexual person more than it did me as a demi who was not interested in anyone at the time. I really don't know, but damiana is available in various forms OTC and doesn't cost much. There is some research indicating it can be helpful for women. Maybe worth a shot?

I wish you all the best.

[madouc]

My relationship is in a roughly similar place, though there are lots of differences as well.

Honestly, evolutionarily speaking, I don't think female sexual dysfunction IS a dysfunction. I think it is a woman's body getting older and saying "sex may be fun but the highest priority for me is to not get pregnant." Or at least to make pregnancies rare and thus given more protection and resources.

But in modern life it certainly is...

My idea is that there are nonsexual ways to connect, which could become erotic even if not sexual, and might eventually lead to desire coming back--maybe not the way it used to be, but heck anything helps. Mainly I mean massage.

Personally I still do some things for my partner, that don't involve my sex parts. They're usually not sexual for me, but they are still sensual. If I get tired or impatient he's perfectly happy to wrap it up himself. This happens less frequently than it once did, but it's still something. And it means that the end result of anything erotic doesn't have to be frustration. (Although it's good if that is ok now and then, too--nothing worse than obligations in bed.)

It's really important to keep... well 'a good attitude' is sort of the wrong term but I can't think of one better, while doing these things. Really important that while doing these things, a partner not make the other partner feel bad--there's already too many bad feelings in the soup, important to keep associations with these limited things positive. So like maybe there's a warm, even slightly sexy way to say "Oof I lost interest," or something similar. What that might be will depend on you and your partner.

Even if sex drives winding down is mainly physiological, I do believe there's a psychological and emotional component that can be worked with. Trust issues? Boredom? These aren't easy things to change, but they're easier than physiology. Maybe you and your husband are the type that can work some of these things out partially by talking about them. Above all I think it's important to keep connections and channels open, no matter how narrowly, so that there's something that can change. Travel more, seek out more novel exciting experiences. Check out anything even remotely related to alternative sexuality or sensuality that might interest you. Have really amazing food now and then, and if you take alcohol just a bit of that too. Etc etc. And while deliberately maintaining those connections, and keeping it positive, take the opportunity if it feels right to expand them but without expecting anything specific to come out of it.