8 Things You Should Never Say to an Asexual

[kdk13]

Hi everyone! I just published a follow-up article to the one I did a few weeks ago. If you'd like to check it out, here it is http://thewip.net/2014/07/17/8-things-you-should-never-say-to-an-asexual/. Let me know what you think!

8 Things You Should Never Say to an Asexual
Posted on July 17, 2014 by Kirstin Kelley

I recently published a story about my own experiences as a person who is asexual. Many people who are asexual wish the general population knew a little bit more, especially about what not to say, so I reached out to the AVEN community about the most annoying, frustrating, or offensive responses they get when they tell people they are asexual. Their top responses are as follows:

Asexuals march in Stockholm Pride, 2012.
Photo credit: Flickr user trollhare and used under aCreative Commons license.

1. Challenge Accepted!

This is the worst by far, in my opinion. At best, it’s a joke that delegitimizes our identity and makes us unsure of how to respond. At worst, it’s laden with rape culture and threatening language. “Corrective rape” is very real for members of the LGBT and asexual communities. People actually believe that rape will “fix” the perceived “problem” by causing the victim to enjoy their assault. It happens, and being threatened with it is terrifying.

2. How do you know if you’ve never tried it?

This one is almost always well meaning, but it’s hard to deal with because it puts people on the defensive. We know in the same way that you knew you were interested in sex. We just never developed that particular interest. For people who are asexual, the experience of being uninterested in sex can range from only slightly interested to completely repulsed, but no matter what, it’s innate and something we just know.

3. No one is going to want to be with you if you don’t put out!

Seriously? That’s my worth as a potential romantic partner, whether or not I have sex? I definitely don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who feels this way about my asexuality. Also, people who are asexual experience a range of feelings about romantic relationships in general. As I mentioned in my previous article, I am interested in having emotional romantic relationships, but others don’t want that closeness at all and are aromantic.

4. Don’t give up on sex just because of one bad experience!

Who said anything about a bad experience? Some people who have had negative or abusive experiences are asexual, but some of them are also very sexual. Those experiences are not related to each other whatsoever. If someone you know is asexual, it’s not safe to assume they have been victimized sexually in some way, and it’s quite frankly not your business unless they choose to talk to you about it.

5. But what about marriage or kids?

My choices about family planning are not really relevant to my experiences as someone who is asexual. For people who are aromantic, marriage and often children are not on the table at all (though everyone has a different experience), but for romantic asexuals, there are a lot of options. First, if we choose to have sex, we can; some asexuals will choose to have children using traditional methods. Others might opt for adoption or in-vitro fertilization. Many asexuals also have wonderful and understanding spouses that may or may not be asexual themselves.

6. You can’t be asexual because you had sex with (blank).

First off, thank you for monitoring all of my life choices for me. I’m not sure how I ever would have managed to keep track on my own. Second, just because I chose to have sex in the past doesn’t mean I find sex remotely appealing now, or even that I found sex appealing then. Many people who are asexual do have sex for a variety of reasons. Some feel they need to explore sex to confirm for themselves that they are asexual, others care about their sexual partner and want to make them happy. Some people become asexual at one or more points in their life. No matter their experience, one’s actions do not necessarily determine one’s feelings.

7. Don’t you mean celibate?

This question is the least frustrating for me because it usually comes out of a genuine desire to understand my experience. Many people confuse asexuality and celibacy because they often lead to the same results. But there are some major differences. Someone who is celibate is choosing to abstain for sex for any number of reasons, but does have a desire for sex. Someone who is asexual might not abstain from sex, but does not have the same drive for sex as most other people.

8. It’s just a phase!

While it’s true that sexuality can change over time, that is not the case for everyone and it might not be true for the person you are talking to. It’s complicated and for asexuals it’s a very real experience that at times presents an incredible challenge. Instead of the patronizing tones, we could all benefit from understanding support – regardless of whether or not we eventually become interested in having sex.

For more information about asexuality, check out the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network!

Edited October 4, 2014 by ithaca
added article for future reference

[littlepersonparadox]

Read it and well done sorry I didn't respond fast enough but thanks.

[Quintus Crinis]

Great article. :)

I'm lucky not to have got many of these since coming out, although I used to get most of them when explaining myself before knowing about asexuality as a valid identity.

[catsaregood]

Great article, and I followed up the first one too, which I had missed. Great job!

[SorryNotSorry]

You forgot "duuuuhhh---are you gay?"

[Frigid Pink]

Great job!

[Lyariage]

That's a great article :)

Edit: Just read your first article too, and it was also awesome. Articles like this that are concise, well-written and relevant need to be put out there more. Well done :)

[Certified Cake Decorator]

Dang, you write so well! This is a great article

[Xavy]

Nicely done.

[kdk13]

You guys rock! This article has gotten more traffic than anything else on the entire site ever! Thank you so much for all the support

[skymessenger]

I wish you could see me clapping! I liked the article!

[Robin L]

(sorry for doing this so late, but)

Moved from Visibility and Education Projects to World Watch
Robin L, Project Team

[wyrdwyrm]

great article! :D

[Elnae]

That made for a very good read kdk. :)

Concise, to the point and honest. I enjoyed that. Well done!

[MaxAmoeba]

I like what you wrote.

[FaerieFate]

How about the age related ones? Late bloomer and you're old to of course your sex drive is going down. I'm well in my early twenties and get the late bloomer crap. Even though everyone I know experienced sexual attraction in their early to mid teens. I must be a really really really late bloomer then, huh? Or have you just every considered I'm not a freaking flower?

[Shortass Lady]

Nice article! Succinct and to the point.

[Jan-Au]

An awesome article.

I told myself #3 for all so many years - and have indeed because of that ingrained message, eventually stopped looking. It was an external message that I internalized. I'm still not sure what to do about it, but I'm happy to see I'm not alone.

[Ficulnean]

I like it. That first one horrified me! People actually say that.

[dash]

Overall, I really like the article. May I offer a few suggestions? (I know this may be way too late, but you did say "let me know what you think"...)

"How do you know if you've never tried it?"

it would be great here if the blurb also included that plenty of asexual people HAVE tried it (some have tried it many times), and still know it's not for them. Others don't have to try it to know that it's not. But the assumption that one hasn't tried it if one identifies as asexual (which is what folks are implying if they say this) is insulting to those who have, and that's one of the other things that's problematic about people saying this. It also prompts the listener to have to recount their entire sexual history to the speaker in order to "prove" they've tried it enough/with enough people not to like it, and that's also way problematic in all the ways. (And you can't win -- if you've had too many partners or encounters, that just "proves" you're not really asexual after all!)

"No one is going to want to be with you if you don't put out!"

It would be nice to also mention that many asexual people do often find partners: sometimes other asexual people, sometimes sexual people with whom they are compatible despite this difference (I happen to know one such stable and happy couple), and sometimes in other configurations. It's damaging to the self-esteem of asexual people who do want partners to hear that unless their orientation were to somehow change (which is, of course, not in their power), they will be forever alone and/or unloved. And to people who don't want such a relationship, it's ridiculous to say the above to them for other reasons.

"Don't give up on sex just because of one bad experience!"

This may be beyond the scope of what you're trying to do, but there are (as you know) asexual people who have been assaulted or abused in the past, or have otherwise had bad experiences with sex. Of course this does not make their orientation any less valid, so how do you advise an asexual person to respond to this type of comment from to someone who knows about that abuse/bad experience, but does not understand asexuality (a parent, a friend, a counselor)? "Who said anything about a bad experience?" doesn't really help this group of readers.

"You can't be asexual because you had sex with [blank]."

I personally think it's more on point to say not that "one's actions don't determine one's feelings" so much as "one's actions don't determine one's ORIENTATION," since people can and do have sex for reasons other than experiencing sexual attraction (to that person or at all). And they may still have feelings of one sort of another for that person, or a libido in general. "Doesn't determine one's feelings" is a little vague.

"Don't you mean celibate?"

I've personally seen the word celibate used in different ways -- most people use it to mean "experiences sexual attraction but chooses not to act on it, such as for religious reasons," while others use it to mean "does not have sex," for any reason (so someone can be both asexual and celibate, with asexuality the reason for their celibacy). And, as you point out, someone who is asexual might not abstain from sex. But either way, it doesn't have to do with sex DRIVE (in the way asexuality is most commonly defined in the community), but attraction, as in, someone can have a very high sex drive (and want to satisfy that by themselves or with others), but not experience ATTRACTION, and that's what makes them asexual.

I would also like to second the thoughts of others that if there's ever a second version of this, "does that mean you're gay?" is extremely common reaction (this has been said to me a lot). I've also gotten some specifically bad reactions from folks for coming out as a sex-repulsed asexual, and I would like to see some recognition of sex-repused aces in a future article somewhere. They are people who are OK with "not interested" but who react very badly to hearing that someone is repulsed.