Age and asexuality

[Kylinoir]

So someone was telling me that he didn't believe I was asexual because I was so young. Wasn't really pleased, to be honest.

I'm just wondering, do you think age matters when it comes to asexuality?

[Too Old for this Site]

When you get older, people will be trying to tell you you're not asexual, you just need hormones, or a little blue pill, or whatever. The bottom line is that it doesn't matter what other people think. It's great when you find people who do understand (treasure those friends), but there are a lot of times in life when you just have to be yourself, and let others move along.

[Sally]

Kylinoir, on 15 Jul 2014 - 5:47 PM, said:

So someone was telling me that he didn't believe I was asexual because I was so young. Wasn't really pleased, to be honest.

I'm just wondering, do you think age matters when it comes to asexuality?

If you're 13, then maybe you shouldn't be claiming you're this or that, because realistically, no one is going to believe that you know what you are. And to some extent, they're right, because it's much safer to go all the way through puberty -- into your 20s -- before you start announcing what you are.

The way that age DOES make a difference is that when you get through your 20s, you're much less likely to care about what other people think.

[Kylinoir]

Thanks for both of your replies.

And, I suppose I can see where you're coming from, but I'm not really the one to flaunt my sexuality. No one needs to know, but I just thought asexuality was like any other sexuality. I heard that some people 'form' their sexuality at a really young age, and since a lot of the people I knew are surprisingly not virigins and/or really secure in their sexuality, maybe asexuality isn't really so different.

[Sebastian Grace]

I don't think age matters any more in relation to asexual orientations than to others. I think that in terms of age, you might want to err on the side of caution when using labels because sexuality is something that we have to navigate as we grow up. Adolescence is the prime time for the onset of this sort of personal exploration and it's very difficult to find out which words fit you in terms of articulating who you are.

Also, sexuality is fluid. I'm not saying that your asexuality is subject to change; I'm saying that sexuality is a fluid concept and if you're young enough to still be in the process of determining an identity, it might be helpful to bear the potential for that fluidity in mind.

There are always going to be people who say that you can't identify a certain way because for them, youth equals a lack of experience. Equally, older asexuals might be told that they have never had sex correctly, that they should see a doctor, etc. If people don't want to accept asexuality as a possible identity, then they will try to find a way to argue you out of it. Whether you're young or old, age will get mixed up in it.

Do I think you can know you're asexual at a young age? Absolutely. I know people who have said they knew about their sexualities before they knew what to cal themselves. However, I also think you shouldn't feel pressured to choose a label for yourself– you are entitled to think about your identity.

At the end of the day, it's your identity and the way that you co-ordinate it is personal. However, do allow time to think about it. As you age, your identity will develop with you, and it's down to you to place your asexuality within this evolution.

[Kylinoir]

Thanks for your reply.

You're right. I shouldn't really jump to conclusions, although, I'm fairly sure I'm asexual right now. I guess I won't really know until I grow up, eh?

I just don't like being told what I am and what I'm not. It's happened with my gender, so I suppose my touchiness seeped into my sexual orientations. Sorry.

And, I need to apologize. I just realized there was another thread almost exactly like this. I'll have to pay more attention. : (

[Sebastian Grace]

Oh, I didn't mean to come across as telling you not to jump to conclusions; if I had known I was asexual earlier on in my life, I would have saved myself quite some trouble!

There's no reason why you should like being told what you are and what you're not; it's YOUR identity. People who try to tell you what you are or not are being disrespectful and there's no way that they can know how you feel about yourself.

I guess my main point is that you should identify with whatever seems right for you, bearing in mind that your identity does not necessarily have to be static. On the contrary, if other aspects of your identity change, but the asexual component remains constant, that's perfectly fine too.

Don't worry about the other thread; I'm sure it's not a problem.

[Queer As Cat]

i don't think age matters. heterosexuals don't get their identity questioned when they identify as heterosexual at 13 years old, so i don't see why there should be a double standard for everyone else.

yes, sexuality is fluid, but that goes for heterosexuals as well. in fact, a LOT of things in life change over time. that doesn't change the fact that one still needs words in order to be able to describe oneself now. we live in the present, not the future nor the past.

i say use whatever words you feel appropriate to your current situation. when those words stop being true to your situation, then find new ones. in the meantime, everyone else be damned. they have no right to police your identity, as long as you aren't appropriating something from another culture, which isn't the case here.

[Kylinoir]

Sorry for the late reply, and thank you, all. I think I got my answers. I appreciate all the posts!

[kelico]

I don't think you can be too young or too old, though I'm with people on keeping an open mind in realizing that sexuality can change over time. But there's nothing wrong with you identifying as asexual at your age. : ) No one should be able to tell you who you are except yourself, so you know best!

[AirinLavis]

I have the same question for myself. I am 19, I have a boyfriend, I love him but I feel fine without sex with him. But he is quite sexual, so sometimes we do sex. I feel terrible, also it's painful for me physically. Every time I just wish it could end as fast as possible. He says I am all the time quite tensed, not relaxed (though I try to), so everything is so terrible in this sense. I tried to share the problem with my parents, father said it's abnormal that I don't feel to do sex, my boyfriend said the same! After some time he said that probably I will feel it later, as my Mom also started her sexual life in her 19 or 20. But for now everything makes me feel out of normal life. I know I'm okay, the biggest point is that I don't physically feel anything bad about my situation... But the society has strong prejudice and not ready yet to accept such people. And it all makes me feel very sad. I am surrounded by girls, most of them started their sexual life in 15 or 16, some are about to start now and they all want it. Whereas I didn't want and still don't want :(

And I don't know what to do to relieve myself...

[Chewy]

I have the same question for myself. I am 19, I have a boyfriend, I love him but I feel fine without sex with him. But he is quite sexual, so sometimes we do sex. I feel terrible, also it's painful for me physically. Every time I just wish it could end as fast as possible. He says I am all the time quite tensed, not relaxed (though I try to), so everything is so terrible in this sense. I tried to share the problem with my parents, father said it's abnormal that I don't feel to do sex, my boyfriend said the same! After some time he said that probably I will feel it later, as my Mom also started her sexual life in her 19 or 20. But for now everything makes me feel out of normal life. I know I'm okay, the biggest point is that I don't physically feel anything bad about my situation... But the society has strong prejudice and not ready yet to accept such people. And it all makes me feel very sad. I am surrounded by girls, most of them started their sexual life in 15 or 16, some are about to start now and they all want it. Whereas I didn't want and still don't want :(

And I don't know what to do to relieve myself...

Just because the people around you wants it, doesn't mean you should feel you should have it too. Just do what makes you feel good. Don't compromise who you are. So, you are special, you are unlike everyone else, feel good about that.

[I'd rather be in band.]

You can identify as what you want whenever you want as long as you feel comfortable with that label. I'm younger than a lot of people here, but the label of asexual really makes me comfortable in my own skin, so I stick with it.

[Queen of Aces]

I'm a younger ace, actually starting school as a freshman and I KNOW I'm ace. I figured it out quite some time ago, and it describes me. I've always felt I was a bit different when it comes to crushes and sexual matters. I am very strongly sex repulsed, to the point of getting physically ill. I've always known I wasn't 'normal' in my sexuality, so when I found the label, it fit perfectly!

[Conscientious Ghost]

I don't think age should matter when it involves asexuality. Some people are early bloomers to discover, some are fairly late bloomers. Self-identity is how one perceives and feels in touch with themselves. Whether people say one either too young or too old, that is their opinion.