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Frustrated and Confused


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I'm trying to figure out my sexuality. I have a couple asexual friends, and despite all my weird quirks I never considered if I was one. But upon meeting my newest asexual friend and finding out that she masturbates as well as gets fulfillment from literature pornography, now I'm confused and I can't figure out what's going on with me. I guess I'll just lay it all out as cohesively as I can.

  • I am sexually active. Which seems like an instant red flag that should say "NOT ASEXUAL" but hear me out.
  • I have sex with my girlfriend... sort of. We don't have penetrative sex, and I don't let her touch me because I don't want that, but I touch her a lot and bring her to orgasm and I enjoy the process and the reward. I especially love the praise and cuddles that come after.
  • I don't like being touched sexually. It makes me scared and uncomfortable and I just plain don't like it. I even sometimes get scared if she tries to kiss me without warning in a public place - or even sometimes at home when it's just the two of us!
  • But things get complicated here because I enjoy fantasies of being sexally touched, but in practice I don't like it at all.
  • I masturbate. Frequently. I definitely feel satisfied with orgasm. But only when I'm doing it.

So therein lies the problem. I like sex, but I don't like sex... ON ME. I love to give, but receiving makes me anxious and unhappy. Is there any tiny sub-category of very selective asexuals that I fall into or am I just a screwed-up sexual person?

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Sinead Buckley

It could be that you have romantic inclinations and a high sex drive, but you can still be asexual. We're actually very similar, however I don't partake in sex with other people at all. Many asexuals do have sex and are fully functional, so there's nothing wrong with wanting to please your partner. Also many asexuals do masturbate! There's a huge difference between fantasy and reality. Although you might be thinking about a sexual act between persons, you may come to realize when that fantasy comes to life that you prefer not to be a participant in it. I can't decide your sexuality for you, but I hope you'll do your best to make decisions that benefit you emotionally and spiritually! And don't forget to discuss your feelings with your partner because it's all about striking a balance with the give and take in a relationship. You need to convey to her that you don't measure love through sex, so even if you don't let her reciprocate the same type of sexual pleasure onto you, that doesn't mean you don't love her any less than she loves you. Good luck! :cake:

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Member54880

Being sexually active doesn't disqualify you from possibly being asexual. There are some people, asexual and not, who are comfortable with giving sexual contact to another person, but are repulsed by receiving it. It's also possible to like the idea of being sexually touched, but too repulsed to actually want it.

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I can also relate fairly well to your story, but at the end of the day if your fantasies are just fantasies and you wouldn't act them out in real life that seems like the very definition of asexuality. However, if you aren't comfortable with that term you can use another one or invent your own! :)

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travelingnotes

I'm similar to you except that I'm female.

I mean, it just seems you fall under the grey-a spectrum? That's where I consider myself. You're not screwed up. I don't think anyone fits one particular thing - we're all different, right.

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