mum of an asexual

[Zash]

Thankyou all for your help and advice. I am still trying to support my daughter but she is making it quite hard. She is living at home, never socialses with anyone outside the family and relies on us for everything. She is in her 20,s, aromantic and has no idea where her life is going. I feel my support is giving her the excuse to sit at home and do nothing. Being asexual is ok if it doesnt become an excuse not to see people and just drift through life. ? I,m sorry if this seems a bit off topic but I do feel her lack of friends is affecting her future. She lacks in confidence to go it alone. I love her dearly and accept she doesnt want a sexual relationship.however she can not live her life expecting us to support her financially and housing her just because she has no wish to form any sort of friendship. Life must go on even if thats on her own and this is something she is going to have to accept and deal with which I think is frightening her .

Not wanting friendships doesn't mean one can't go out and get a job. What my parents did to get me moving out is they just started charging me rent. And if I didn't like paying them rent, I could move out. A life of solitude is fine, if you can look after yourself doing so, but, you do need to go out and get a job and stuff.

[EmsanQ]

Thank you all for the replies. I worry that my daughter will be lonely. She is very introverted and spends many hours on her own. She doesnt intergrate well and tends not to sociailise much. Soon she is going to have to join the world, find a job and possibly move awY from home, I fear this will mean her becoming even more cut off from people as I wont be round the corner to support her and she seems to be moving away from her friends too. She seems totally accepting of herself but maybe she wIll never have the confidence to live a life awy from home without the support of someone. So I suppose my worry is not so much that she is asexual and aromantic but that life will pass her by as she sits alone avoiding people and not expefiencing all that life has to offer

Hi there!

First of all I just wanted to say I really admire that you put so much effort into understanding and caring for your daughter, it is very admirable.

The way you describe her makes me think a bit about myself. I'm also very introverted, spends most of my hours alone and I'm demisexual. I'm super awkward when I have to speak with people, and generally try to avoid things for that reason. I'm a bit of a home-body and have never really fended for myself before. But at the end of this month I'm moving away. I thought I couldn't handle it at all, but as soon as I realised I had to fix things and do paperwork I just got up and started doing things quite effectively. I wouldn't say I'm any near being an adult, but it does feel very nice to know I can handle paperwork relatively fine and without delay.

I think that when it is time for your daughter to manage on her own, she'll do fine ^^

I am slightly terrified of leaving. My besties are going to other schools than me, and my most beloved cat will stay with my parents. But I think it will be fine :) Nowadays distance doesn't really matter anyway, what with the internet and skype and everything ^^

[Trephena]

Dear Katmaiden

As a fellow mother my heart goes out to you and your worries. Growing up has lots of challenges and in that sense being asexual probably is another hard one for her to cope with (the thought of being different I mean). As with most things in life I think you should focus on the positives and encourage her to do so. Most people have one thing they are good at that you could encourage – art, photography, music or whatever or if not that an interest you can share – going to the theatre or swimming. Rather than depressing yourself with the future why not live in the present? I really think telling her that you can’t support her financially for ever more is not what she wants to hear right now. Sure maybe you can’t long term but do what you can to develop her interests and get her outside those four walls for both your sakes.

Does she like animals rather than people? Any chance of her training to be a veterinary nurse or helping in an animal charity? Let her know that she has a purpose and that in some context she will be appreciated. I am not chastising you but you’ve got to do everything you can to make her feel a real person and build up her confidence, otherwise it will become an even bigger vicious circle and drag you down even more. I found out later that my daughter had had been bullied at school and she had a few issues between 18 – 21 (hated university, was a bit of a loner and felt she didn’t belong and was always the odd one out; couldn’t get a foothold in her chosen job field etc). I remember her sobbing on my shoulder a few times and I felt helpless and depressed too as I didn’t have a magic wand to make it all right. But the way I dealt with it was trying to help and encourage her (she did an unpaid voluntary job for 3 months to get some experience and that gave her lots of confidence). Fortunately 10 years down the line it has all come right and she now has a very good job, a good social life and seems to be pretty well balances (and supports herself!) – and furthermore I am so proud of her. So there is a light at the end of the tunnel but you have got to make your way to it, it isn’t going to come to you…. And maybe like me one day you won’t see asexuality as any big deal because you and she will have a relationship that will last forever.

[Sisky]

There are also people who aren't interested in a partnered relationship at all and that doesn't mean they're unhappy. You can't "miss out" on something you don't even want in the first place. Happiness is a highly individual thing and there's no standard recipe that fits everyone.

To avoid "I wonder if something caused this" or "it may be just a phase" thoughts, apply that to your own sexuality (since you mentioned your husband, I'm going to assume you're heterosexual/heteroromantic): When you were her age and found out you're interested in boys, did you wonder if it was just a phase, or did it seem natural to you? Did something happen that caused you to be interested in them, or did that just come naturally? It's the same for any other orientation. It's an assumption of the majority that their orientation/identity is the default, and everything straying from that must have been caused by something. When in reality, people just are the way they are, just in different quantities.

And to comment on introvert behavior:

You see, the thing about introverts is that they need to spend time alone. That's what makes them introverts. And physical distance from one's friends doesn't necessarily mean emotional distance. For introverts, those "long-distance friendships" can even be more beneficial, since they can interact with them without the energy-draining "being around people" part, which, if their friends insist on meeting them in person too often, can and in many cases does lead to the introvert person withdrawing from the friendship if it gets too overwhelming for them.

It's often hard for extraverts to understand that introverts have the exact opposite needs when it comes to spending time with physically present people. They usually like being with friends, but they need time alone to recharge. They don't have the need to be with others just for the sake of being with others that. In fact, it is exhausting for them, so they pick the people they do spend their private time with very carefully. In a world where you're constantly around other people (school, work, etc.), they have to.