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mum of an asexual


katmaiden

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I noticed in previous posts that not many parents use your forum. I am a mum of an asexual and maybe we dont want to intrude or feel our children would not like to read posts from their parents. However as a parent I feel I need to understand my child and support them. It is alien to me as a heterosexual to think that my child is asexual as I have no experience in it with any other family member. I worry that my child will be alone and miss out on the love and support a relationship can give them. I was very introverted as a child and it wasn't until I met my husband that I felt happy with myself and started to spread my wings. Please help me understand and support my child

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Asexy Dragon

Hi! Your child can still recieve and give love just like any other person, don't worry. Asexuals can still feel romantic attraction (unless they're aromantic). Your child can still fall in love. I hope they find someone who will respect their sexuality, and love them regardless. Your child might also comply to sex to please their partner. I hope he/she is happy with their sexuality. And don't worry about him/her/them. They will be fine.

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My mother had - has - the same worries. Honestly, the best thing you can do as mother is just give your child all your love and support you can. Try not to see it as a problem, or a phase. Instead, try and see it as a positive thing, something to celebrate. I can say that discovering my asexuality was the best day of my life.

It may be that your child will have trouble figuring out their full identity, what they want out of love and relationships and life. This is normal, and it can take some time. I think that if your child knows that you will listen to them and how they're feeling, they'll be far more likely to want to open up to you

And I might just add that I very much respect the effort you're taking :)

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Ace of Cakes

I think it's great that you're taking a step to understand asexuality so that you can better support your child!

First, I just want to say that many asexuals are in romantic relationships and very happy in them. If your child is a romantic asexual you really shouldn't worry about them missing out on that sort of thing. sex ≠ love. (That said, some aces do sacrifice to meet the needs of their partners. This completely depends on how the specific person feels about sex though, and is not an obligation at all.) Sure, it's not simple being an ace in a romantic relationship (I'm one so I know!) but it can work.

Now, I don't want to sound like I'm saying that asexuals can be "normal" and making that "normal" standard into something that mimics a monosexual/monoromantic relationship. There are plenty of aromantic asexuals who do not want to be in a romantic relationship. And that's okay too. If your child is aromantic they can he/she/they can still have plenty of fulfilling platonic relationships! It's still love, just a different sort.

Don't worry about him/her/them unless they come to you struggling with something, because chances are, they'll be alright :) Your concern is great though. I haven't yet had the courage to come out to my parents, so seeing someone trying to be so supportive of their kid is really encouraging!

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I worry that my child will be alone and miss out on the love and support a relationship can give them. I was very introverted as a child and it wasnt until I met my husband that I felt happy with myself and started to spread my wings.

Unless your child is aromantic, or doesn't experience romantic attraction, he/she can still be in a loving and supportive relationship (just minus the sex)! Although, some asexuals will participate in sex to please their partner or just being it feels good without actually being sexually attracted to them, but certainly not all. Sex shouldn't define a relationship, ever. Even if your child is aromantic, he/she could still be in a loving and supportive platonic relationship, without the romance or the sex. These sorts of relationships can be difficult to find, as asexual people aren't exactly everywhere, but I think that it would be best to support your child in finding one rather than worrying that he/she won't.

I think it's amazing that you're reaching out- my mother wouldn't support me, or she would say that she would and then proceed to say "you just haven't found the right person yet" and "well, I want grandkids so you might want to change your mind". Asexuality isn't a phase, it's an orientation, and I'm glad that you truly understand that. I haven't told my mom yet and I don't plan to until I'm in my 20's to prove that it's "not a phase", but I hope she's at the least as supportive as you are of your child.

Oh, and welcome to AVEN! We don't bite, I promise. :cake:

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Thank you all for your help. I can not help but wonder if something has caused this but am truely trying to understand that is part of her. I love my child deeply and want her to be happy and fullfilled whatever her orientation. As a parent I have always assumed I will have grandkids so yes I understand other parents on thos one. As a mum I would want this for my daughter to. This close loving relationship of her own children. However I realise this is her life and I have to accept her descisions. I cna not imagine a life without my kids so the thought of her never having any is upsetting. I just hope she can find someone out there who understands her and loves her truely for what she is.

(I seem to have posted the same thread twice by the way. How do I delete one?)

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There are other ways to have children than just by sexual contact.

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You must really try hard to be an amazing mother, I have to admit I am extremely amazed that a parent would be able to firstly find out that their child is possibly asexual, secondly to attempt to comfort/ease your child's acceptance of sexuality and thirdly come online to do so. Wow... I'm beginning to question how conservative the family culture is currently in my society.

My ace partner told me before that the most important and painful part of being so different is exactly that, being different. At times asexuals may tend to feel inadequate or as if something is wrong with them. Of course I wouldn't rule out the attempts to "fix" oneself through professional medical help or prescribed medication but regardless of that, one should never feel like something is wrong with them. It just so happens that natural processes caused these differences to occur I guess one could say that god must've intended such occurrences. So ya, what I'm trying to say is; always make sure that your child's self esteem is not affected and that he/she doesn't question how normal/abnormal he/she is. I think that within the family, it would be very nice to emphasize that sex is not the most important factor in a relationship and that love can take place without sex as well. Make him/her feel like their future partner would have to be accepting of this characteristic to be deserving of them... Teach him/her to love him/herself for who he/she is.

Ya... I think that's very important. confidence/self esteem/pride and love in oneself.

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To me mydaughter will always be special and loved. I am trying very hard not to fall into the trap of its just a phase, shes young and doesnt know what she wants yet etc but its hard to do.

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Katmaiden, I would personally like to thank you for looking out for your CHILD first, and not self-pity how her sexuality makes YOU feel. I honestly wish my mother was more eager to understand more rather than just brushing it off and still being stuck into the "it's a temporary phase" mind-frame. Even sadder, is that I'm 29. That aside however:

Your daughter will be fine. If she is a teenager, chances are, it's not a phase. I knew something was "different" with the way I experienced (or specifically didn't) sexual attraction when I was 14. Asexuality is not about sex, or "wanting" sex, it's about the attraction towards another person to have sex with. It doesn't mean she's a "late bloomer" God knows how long it took me to figure it out that I was never going to "bloom". It took me until I was 26 to hear of asexuality and know that's what I was - for 12 years I thought I was the only one who didn't get those feelings, and no one told me otherwise except telling me there was something "wrong" with that and I needed "help" to feel them, or time, or a specific person, etc. I even had a "friend" try to convince me I needed HIM to prove I wasn't asexual.

You are doing the right thing in wanting to support her. You are certainly doing the right thing in being concerned for her well-being and happiness above what YOU feel she should want. Some of us here, do not have that from our parents. Your daughter, is one very lucky person.

The best way to support her? Be there for her. Listen to her and I mean *really* listen without trying to "fix" it. She needs validation, she needs to know that she has you in her corner no matter what. Which, in what you have already said here, certainly doesn't seem like a problem, which is good. If she comes to you with frustration and fear (I know this scenario personally) about no one "wanting" her because of her asexuality, under no circumstances should you say that she will find someone who will change her mind. It can be invalidating and hurtful. It can make it seem like you really are not hearing her. There are alternative responses such as "not every one is compatible even with matching sexualities" or, "someone will understand one day, it might take a while, it might not, but that's okay too."

If it makes you feel a little more at ease; she has a caring mother, which means she is probably a VERY strong girl, and that will make her resilient, and able to look at things in a diplomatic manner. So take comfort that you have an awesome, genius daughter, and that you are an awesome parent in taking the step to wanting to be there and love her. It is rare to find.

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Well, I can essentially just give my opinion rather than facts, seeing as I'm new(ish) to these forums and how others feel on the topic as a whole. I'm an aromantic asexual, meaning I don't feel love in any 'traditional' sense, as well as the generic definition of asexual. I don't know if your daughter is aromantic or not, but if she is, that's not a bad thing. From my perspective, being an aromantic has its own perks. Rather than focusing on a single person, I focus more on all of my friends and the importance they have in my life. There's nothing romantic there, but I'm not lonely. I've very happy.

That's only one opinion though, but as far as I can tell, I'm not the only one.

If she's not aromantic, that's fine too! That probably means she will want someone to share her life with. She just won't care for the 'physical' aspect of it all.

I was much like HarleyTwin, in the sense that I spent my teen years not knowing what was going on with... Me. I called myself broken to everyone that confessed their undying love to me, saying "I don't feel the same way." It was awful. Although I'm only 19 (and not 29), I still went through all of high school this way. Very miserable not knowing what was 'wrong' with me and not knowing ANYONE that felt the same way. The fact that your daughter knows now is a very good thing. Because the chances are, this isn't a phase. I've been this way my entire life. If she knows that someone out there is the same way as her, and that someone out there (aka YOU) supports her, then she'll have a wonderful time in life, mostly in the sense that she won't be confused and lost.

I say good on ya for taking the time to understand her and appreciate her. Many of us had a hard time, and I only recently (2 days ago) told my mother I was Asexual/Aromantic. To my surprise, she told me she was Aromantic too! (That was a curve ball)

My advice? Be there for her, support her, and understand her to the best of your ability. But it seems like you're already doing that.

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I noticed in previous posts that not many parents use your forum. I am a mum of an asexual and maybe we dont want to intrude or feel our children would not like to read posts from their parents. However as a parent I feel I need to understand my child and support them. It is alien to me as a heterosexual to think that my child is asexual as I have no experience in it with any other family member. I worry that my child will be alone and miss out on the love and support a relationship can give them. I was very introverted as a child and it wasn't until I met my husband that I felt happy with myself and started to spread my wings. Please help me understand and support my child

Try to understand that unlike the majority of the public, in the asexual community we talk about sexual orientation and romantic orientation separately as they don't always align. It is also not black and white, they are range of spectrum.

Sometimes I think that the birds and bees talk just got a whole lot more complicated when you start separating sexual and romantic orientation.

Asexual can still have loving relationships, the way they express and receive love is just different.

If you have the time here are some video you might like to watch.

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I still remember the lecture my parents gave me about how "I will have to sleep with some man some day" and I "May not like it but have to do it because I am female." And then I told them I was asexual only to get weird looks and them never EVER bringing up the topic again Lol! Pretty awkward, I don't think they fully believe me, but then again, they have to after years of no BFs or GFs ever. I however think they do not understand at all, thus why they never bring it up. However the sex speech was a pretty bleak outlook on relationships, I don't know if that was a 'detour my teen from doing it' speech, or they are just that messed up in their love life. :wacko: I'd rather not know honestly... lol

I do know my mother still thinks I "Have to do it or die completely and utterly alone". Which is not the case.

Us asexual's can love like anyone else, the relationship just lacks sex or sexual attraction, some aces compromise with partners, others are sex and even kissing free. She will not miss out. There is plenty of time for her to find a relationship, whether she compromises with a partner or not. I would not worry so long as she is happy. :)

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I noticed in previous posts that not many parents use your forum. I am a mum of an asexual and maybe we dont want to intrude or feel our children would not like to read posts from their parents. However as a parent I feel I need to understand my child and support them. It is alien to me as a heterosexual to think that my child is asexual as I have no experience in it with any other family member. I worry that my child will be alone and miss out on the love and support a relationship can give them. I was very introverted as a child and it wasn't until I met my husband that I felt happy with myself and started to spread my wings. Please help me understand and support my child

I am also a Mom whose son is asexual. He basically just mentioned it in conversation when he was home over the Independence Day weekend. Oddly, it was comforting.......we just had a casual conversation, and I am now looking to find out what kinds of challenges and obstacles it presents him, and how his Dad and I can support him.

I have no worry about his relationships,he's always been reserved but has a small circle of very close friends that even now, 3 years into college are very supportive of each other. When I think about how we raised him regarding sexual orientation.....from a young age he was taught that it shouldn't matter with whom you or someone else "wanted to hold hands" to be upgraded at puberty to "wanted to have sex"; and I see no reason for that not to include acceptance of him not feeling sexual attraction. Bottom line...he is still the young man of whom I am very proud and love fiercely. How can my desire for his happiness not take his individual preferences into account. So....guess I am now the proud parent and ally of my quiet Ace!

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  • 1 month later...

Thank you all for the replies. I worry that my daughter will be lonely. She is very introverted and spends many hours on her own. She doesnt intergrate well and tends not to sociailise much. Soon she is going to have to join the world, find a job and possibly move awY from home, I fear this will mean her becoming even more cut off from people as I wont be round the corner to support her and she seems to be moving away from her friends too. She seems totally accepting of herself but maybe she wIll never have the confidence to live a life awy from home without the support of someone. So I suppose my worry is not so much that she is asexual and aromantic but that life will pass her by as she sits alone avoiding people and not expefiencing all that life has to offer

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Thank you all for the replies. I worry that my daughter will be lonely. She is very introverted and spends many hours on her own. She doesnt intergrate well and tends not to sociailise much. Soon she is going to have to join the world, find a job and possibly move awY from home, I fear this will mean her becoming even more cut off from people as I wont be round the corner to support her and she seems to be moving away from her friends too. She seems totally accepting of herself but maybe she wIll never have the confidence to live a life awy from home without the support of someone. So I suppose my worry is not so much that she is asexual and aromantic but that life will pass her by as she sits alone avoiding people and not expefiencing all that life has to offer

My mum says the same thing to me. My response to her is that people want different things from life and are affected differently by similar circumstances. For example, my mum is very sociable. She can't imagine a life without people in it. She is extroverted and likes having her friends stop by the house for a chat and coffee. I am very introverted, when I return from work nothing pleases me more than to spend the evenings and weekends in complete solitude, and I have made it very clear to my mum that I will never have a partner. To her, this is like a death sentence. She can't understand how I can possibly have a full and enjoyable life without people in it. But to me, there is nothing more horrific than having a life where I constantly have to deal with people and the angst of relationships.

You need to let go of the fear that your daughter will be lonely and isolated. She probably won't view it this way. And she'll probably resent you for thinking that her life isn't worth living, as I resent my mother for this. Just because her life is different and you don't understand this, does not mean that she does not gain meaning and fulfilment from it. You need to accept that the world is greater than your experiences of it.

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I know my mother was worried that I was lonely and always pestered me to go out and do things and meet people. She one day just said she said so, and that is why she was pushing me to go out. I explained to her, I have my friends, and I don't feel alone or lonely.

Some people just have a greater tolerance for solitude, or a reduced tolerance for other people. They aren't missing out, because you can't miss something you don't want. If her solitude starts to be a problem for her, she will come to you for help.

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Its funny, the way you've described your daughter sounds exactly like me, and the way you've described yourself sounds quite similar to my own mum so this post sort of hit me.

I know this is the same way my mum would feel if she found out I was asexual, so I would want my mum to know that eventhough I keep to myself a lot and I've begun drifting away from my friends this doesn't mean I'm lonely in any way, I feel most comfortable the way I am and generally enjoy being in my own company.

Perhaps your daughter hasn't meet anyone one she feels a connecting with yet, I certainly haven't met anyone (in person) that particularly interested me and so I don't really feel the need to interact with them as much.

I do enjoy talking to people, but I find that whenever I go out and hang out with my friends I sort of get caught up in the moment and everything just moves so fast, I personally don't like this feeling, I prefer to feel more settled and grounded when I interact with others; I like to be able to think properly when I'm having a conversation rather than blurting things out without a thought, I like to be able to have more intellectual conversations with people, perhaps this is how your daughter feels? (Or maybe not)

Eventhough I feel this way, it doesn't mean I want to or am going to avoid people my whole life, I plan on become more outgoing socially.

I know I don't come across as very confident to people right now but that's not nessesarily because I'm not, I can be when I decide I want to be, I just simply choose not to, I can't tell you why because I'm not even sure myself.

I hope you can consider this when you try to consider how your daughter feels, I don't think you should be too concerned about her unless you seem to think that there is something seriously wrong. She's probably just figuring herself out right now but this is just her way of doing it.

I hope this helped a little :)

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I noticed in previous posts that not many parents use your forum. I am a mum of an asexual and maybe we dont want to intrude or feel our children would not like to read posts from their parents. However as a parent I feel I need to understand my child and support them. It is alien to me as a heterosexual to think that my child is asexual as I have no experience in it with any other family member. I worry that my child will be alone and miss out on the love and support a relationship can give them. I was very introverted as a child and it wasn't until I met my husband that I felt happy with myself and started to spread my wings. Please help me understand and support my child

As a grown up asexual (50 soon) with no kids (2 annoying cats), I believe that parents of asexual kids should visit Aven and learn more about "stuff." Probably the best thing you can do is look around this website and read as much as you can & such. Good luck, okay?

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I'd rather be in band.

Unless your child states that they are aromantic and/or romance-repulsed, they are completely capable of being in a relationship with mutual loving feelings. Also, most asexuals often don't feel that they are missing out on anything by not feeling sexual attraction because many are simply uninterested in sexual activity. I personally fall into the category of being apathetic, and I don't feel like my life is lacking any sort of zest without sex. My advice to you is to not fret about your child missing out on any experience. I have spoken to many asexuals on here that have tried sex and not even enjoyed it in the slightest! Sometimes this is not the case, but if they are not interested, they don't necessarily need to try. Think of it like a sport; if everyone around you was playing soccer, but you didn't have an interest in soccer and you would rather play volleyball, would you really have fun playing soccer if you didn't have any sort of interest in it or anything relating to it? That may be a weak example, and my apologies for that, but it may be much better to allow your child to explore relationships as they wish. As long as they do not seem to be in harm's way, I urge you to not worry; asexuality is nothing like sexual repression. It doesn't cause stress of any sort.

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This is kinda why I've been nervous about coming out to my parents...I'm worried they'll have these same thoughts about it, even though they're always very tolerant and open-minded about different ethnicities, sexualities, and beliefs (except for different opinions). Tried to talk about it with my little brother and it didn't go very well, so I didn't argue about it with him any further.

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Katmaiden. Can I say you're awesome? You're worried and you love your child but you don't react in a defensive and denying way. Instead you asked advice on Aven... I think that shows how much you love her. And I agree with everything said here. She will be alright, especially with a mother like you

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thank you all for the replies. I worry that my daughter will be lonely. She is very introverted and spends many hours on her own. She doesnt intergrate well and tends not to sociailise much. Soon she is going to have to join the world, find a job and possibly move awY from home, I fear this will mean her becoming even more cut off from people as I wont be round the corner to support her and she seems to be moving away from her friends too. She seems totally accepting of herself but maybe she wIll never have the confidence to live a life awy from home without the support of someone. So I suppose my worry is not so much that she is asexual and aromantic but that life will pass her by as she sits alone avoiding people and not expefiencing all that life has to offer

Hi katmaiden,

Firstly, as have many before me, I salute you.

I saw something of myself in your description of your daughter, in that I too spent many hours on my own as a child and never integrated well or socialised much. I speak in the past tense, but this is all still true. However, I have also joined the world, found a brilliant career and moved away from home and my school friends at 18 without any difficulty. My greatest happiness in life comes from having the confidence to be myself in these ways. To me for example, solitude brings happiness. I don't know that I have ever been lonely actually, come to think of it (possibly this is unimaginable to some, but so is asexuality to many).

As such, I suggest that such human traits are generally only problems if someone classifies them as such. I don't know your daughter, but I expect that to her it is absolutely natural to be independent, to build friendships very selectively and not to need much external validation. I think that it is an oft made mistake to attempt to help someone by encouraging them to fit more into a typical picture. If these traits don't bother your daughter though, they aren't intrinsically linked with failure in life (and your definition of important elements to life may differ greatly from someone else's definition). Possibly she won't live a typical life, but may be entirely happy making unusual choices and living in unusual ways (asexuality is of course, pretty unusual).

In short, quietly encouraging her to follow her own path may - by letting her choose her own adventure - lead her to be far more happy than if she gets the impression that she should try to change fundamental elements of herself.

Hopefully that offered a little food for thought. I can't help but sound all New Age-ish, though I actually write from a realist's point of view.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Let her know you support her. Or him. I dont remember if you mentioned if they were a boy or girl. They can stil have a relationship. And not all asexuals are the same. There are asexuals that are i think the term is demi sexual which is something like not interested in sex with a person unless they have formed a bond with that person first. But people can have sucessful relationships without sex.

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Hi! It is very nice that you're trying to understand your child, I doubt my parents would do that so easily!

One thing you should keep in your mind is that you have to stop seeing your child through yourself!

My mom does that a lot! She always says "I had so much fun flirting when I was younger!I'm afraid you'll lose this phase and regret later"

She says this kind of thing because SHE would regret, not me. I can honestly say that I don't care spending time alone and I don't care as well if I end up alone in case I never find someone who accepts me! Because I know I would suffer even more trying to be someone I'm not!

Secondly I know introverted children may cause some worry to their parents but you need to trust her!

Everytime you doubt of your child capability to take care of herself the more she'll believe she's not good enough to deal with life!

Furthermore introverted people can be very surprising! They're not as fragile as they look!
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I agree that a parent should try not to "see a child through themselves", however, young people often dismiss a parents advice simply because they are perceived as "old" or "out of touch" with todays youth. With age does come a certain amount of wisdom. Sometimes young folks also discredit parental advice because they think the parent has never had the experience or never had similar experiences. Generally speaking, parents don't tell their kids everything. Youth also sometimes misunderstand a parents intentions. In reality, most parents love their kids, want what's best for their kids, and want their kids to be happy. Kids often have trouble reading between the lines of what their parents are really trying to say, and, sometimes parents don't do so well in communicating that with their kids.

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First of all, I am so glad that you and your daughter have found AVEN, and that you are so supportive of her. Try not to worry too much about her relationships; we introverts tend to find a small amount of incredibly close friends who we hold onto for life. I have little doubt that she will be perfectly happy with however she handles her asexuality; after all, with a mother as supportive as you, she will never have to be alone.

My parents never once talked about sex with us kids, and I will never bring it up to them. I am engaged to a sexual man, and I'm certain that they will come to assume that I have sex and enjoy it like a "normal" person, without any input from them. They've never seemed to want me to be very sexual, as that topic was very hush hush in my home, but I doubt that they would assume I'm asexual. However they feel about it, I am in a spectacularly happy romantic relationship with the man of my dreams, and we are going strong. Communication is the key.

As long as you support your daughter and, if she does begin to show romantic interest in someone, encourage her to be upfront about her asexuality and other feelings, I'm sure she will be perfectly happy.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I'm also the mother of an asexual who just told me the other day that they feel they are asexual. I've had a bit of an up-and-down reaction over the last few days, which has surprised me, since I've always felt strongly that all of the various sexual orientations are natural and "normal" and the way different people are meant to be (although I had never really heard of asexuality before). I've had a lot of these thoughts - will my child always be alone, will my child ever be able to have a family of their own, etc. My child sent me the link to this site and I'm so glad I went on it and found this forum - it's encouraging to read all of the positive replies on here.

How about the issue of "coming out" to other people beyond your immediate family - friends, acquaintances, Facebook? My child is thinking about it. My child is a young adult and I know it's absolutely their decision, I'm just hoping to hear about other peoples' experiences to discuss with my child.

(I keep using the term "they" and "my child" which sounds stupid but I'm trying to respect "their" privacy for the moment.)

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  • 9 months later...

Thankyou all for your help and advice. I am still trying to support my daughter but she is making it quite hard. She is living at home, never socialses with anyone outside the family and relies on us for everything. She is in her 20,s, aromantic and has no idea where her life is going. I feel my support is giving her the excuse to sit at home and do nothing. Being asexual is ok if it doesnt become an excuse not to see people and just drift through life. ? I,m sorry if this seems a bit off topic but I do feel her lack of friends is affecting her future. She lacks in confidence to go it alone. I love her dearly and accept she doesnt want a sexual relationship.however she can not live her life expecting us to support her financially and housing her just because she has no wish to form any sort of friendship. Life must go on even if thats on her own and this is something she is going to have to accept and deal with which I think is frightening her .

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Thankyou all for your help and advice. I am still trying to support my daughter but she is making it quite hard. She is living at home, never socialses with anyone outside the family and relies on us for everything. She is in her 20,s, aromantic and has no idea where her life is going. I feel my support is giving her the excuse to sit at home and do nothing. Being asexual is ok if it doesnt become an excuse not to see people and just drift through life. ? I,m sorry if this seems a bit off topic but I do feel her lack of friends is affecting her future. She lacks in confidence to go it alone. I love her dearly and accept she doesnt want a sexual relationship.however she can not live her life expecting us to support her financially and housing her just because she has no wish to form any sort of friendship. Life must go on even if thats on her own and this is something she is going to have to accept and deal with which I think is frightening her .

Perhaps you can talk about the problem / worry about her living with you? And talk about her plans or help her make a plan to get more friends or if she doesnt want that how to get a job and a home for herself and help to set a timetable?

Or help pay for therapy etc?

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