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Questions about sex-repulsion


Ace of Cakes

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Ace of Cakes

(I'm a newbie, so if this is in the wrong forum please move it!)

Hi there, I'm pretty new to all of this, and when I first realized I was asexual, I was pretty bummed. I have a great boyfriend and I'm working on figuring out more regarding how I feel and what I want so that I can come out to him properly sometime in the near future. We were both already planning on saving sex for marriage, so it's not that much of an issue yet, but I do feel that I need to tell him as soon as I can to be fair to him. While I wasn't too happy to realize my asexuality at first, I've mostly come to terms with it and am feeling more comfortable with who I am. The only thing is, I'm beginning to think I may be sex-repulsed as well... And that I don't feel so okay about... (If you're sex-repulsed and reading this I don't mean to suggest that it's abnormal or anything. If it weren't for the situation with my boyfriend I probably wouldn't mind it so much anyway!)

So, here's the first question: Do I sound sex-repulsed to you? I'm not sure, given my limited experience. I've never gone any further than kissing (no tongue or anything) with my boyfriend, and he's the first one I've had, so it's not like I have all that much experience. Still, when I see gifs of porn and such on tumblr, or pictures of penises and stuff, it grosses me out... I'm Pre-Med, and I don't mind talking about genitals and such in a medical sense, but when that talk has to do with sex... No thank you. I can't imagine enjoying seeing someone's privates in person, much less engaging in any sort of sexual act. Is that sex repulsion? It's just weird because I really want to have biological kids someday, and I know there are other ways of making that happen, but it almost seems like a disconnect to me...

That's where I get to my second question: Can sex-repulsion fade? Or can you be sex-repulsed in most but not all circumstances? Kind of like being "gray" regarding your sex-repulsion? While I don't want to have sex or even want to want to have it, I would like to be indifferent towards it... Even if I don't end up staying with my boyfriend forever I would like to get married someday, and to be honest the probability of marrying another ace is pretty low... I would like to be in a place where I can compromise (or sacrifice, I suppose) to please my partner. (That's sort of how I am with kissing... The idea of tongue grosses me out (it's a bit too close to the sexual side of the sensual-sexual line for me personally), but I think that if my boyfriend really wanted to I'd be okay with it in limited amounts. As for closed mouth kissing, it's more sensual than sexual for me, but even so I'm pretty indifferent to it. Physically it does little for me, but I know that my boyfriend enjoys it and that makes me happy. The emotional connection makes it so worth it to me. I wish I could feel that way about sex as well...)

Sorry for rambling; I hope I've made at least a little sense! Thanks in advance for any advice/answers :)

Update 8/24/14: For anyone reading this later for their own benefit, I don't feel quite as repulsed as I did when writing this. I've also noticed that where I draw the line between sensual and sexual has shifted a bit. When we did start kissing with tongue it wasn't nearly as bad as I expected. So apparently I don't really mind it after all haha, I'm just indifferent to the physical aspect.

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Hello!
Okay, first thing, really really talk to your boyfriend about it. Sex may not be a deal breaker for him, in which case...everything's fine!
I consider myself sex-repulsed, for similar reasons to you, just...genitalia? No thanks. So, quite possibly.

As to sex-repulsion fading..honestly, I don't have a definite answer to this. My best answer is my own situation which is that as my relationship has gone on I have been more okay with various kinds of sensual affection...but I am still very much not wanting sex.

I hope someone else can answer more of your questions, but really, best recommendation I can give...talk to your partner, communication is so important. Sorry to not be of more help, I hope things work out!

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I agree with Skywolf on speaking to your boyfriend about it. I'm sure he would be very understanding about your feelings. As for being sex-repulsed, only you can say that for yourself, but what you describe sounds like repulsion.

And it's funny you ask about whether you can be "gray" sex-repulsed because that is how I feel. I don't think there's any rules against how you identify yourself as (since it is totally up to you and what you're comfortable with in describing yourself), so don't worry about the terminology. I consider myself gray sex-repulsed because I'm disgusted/repulsed by sex scenes involving real people (so porn movies), but I'm fine with it in books. (Also, I'm more repulsed by straight sex scenes than gay, so go figure!) So yes, from my experience, I believe you can be selectively sex-repulsed. I can't say about it fading though (only time will tell, I suppose). Again, there's no rules when it comes to who you are!

Just keep feeling things out by talking with your boyfriend, and you'll know the right answer. : ) I wish you the best!

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Ace of Cakes

Thank you both so much for the replies! My boyfriend and I are long distance right now, and this is a conversation I really feel that we should have in person... But when we're both in the same place again (hopefully soon) I definitely want to talk to him about it

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I do believe that I am also sex-repulsed. Even watching two actors mack (open mouth kissing) on tv is not something I really want to see. It's even worse with sexual scenes, it makes me feel extremely awkward. I have to change the channel because it just literally makes me feel sick to my stomach! I can't even stand it when guys or girls talk about their "nights out". Don't even get me started on porn, there are just so many things I hate about it.

Alot of "normal" people in my area have a thing with porn. So if you are not okay with sexual/erotic material, please don't hesitate to tell your partner. It can ruin a relationship if one is into porn, while the other isn't. I'm not saying this is your boyfriend. In your situation, you should tell him about the feelings you are having. It sounds as though your boyfriend is okay with not being sexual right now, which could also signal that he may be in the gray area too. At least that's my take on it.

Throughout my lifetime (I'm probably close to your age), this repulsion has not faded, it has actually gotten worse D: I'm okay with genitalia in medical books, but in real life, I think they are horrendous and am glad people invented underwear and pants.

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