Do you HAVE to compromise?

[lissi]

Sorry, a rather stupid question - me wondering how on earth people could think the way they do and write the things they do. I am sure it varies between individuals.

[Guest]

There are more sexuals who will not push sex than winning lottery tickets though, or maybe I should start playing the lottery.

Epic. :D

[passionatefriend61]

You seem to just keep dismissing anyone who doesn't fit your idea of how a mixed relationship should go (the very unhealthy, toxic relationship where the asexual is hurt). Those of us that are neutral or able to compromise without harming ourselves? Not a majority, so they don't count. Those sexuals who can have a relationship without sex? Not a majority, so they don't count. Sexuals who are hurt instead of the asexual because of a mixed relationship? Nonsense!

Go back and read my posts. Nowhere did I deny the existence of mixed romantic relationships between asexuals and allosexuals in which consensual, ethical sex happens. Nowhere did I say that sex-indifferent and sex-enthusiastic aces who choose to have sex of their own free will, are nonexistent or that they're incapable of truly consenting. Nowhere did I deny the existence of the very rare sexual person who not only considers the option of celibacy in mixed romantic relationships but actually does it.

I'm not dismissing these examples of nonabusive, noncoercive, rape-free mixed romantic relationships, whatever you mean by that word "dismissing." What am I counting and not counting and to what end?

Are truly sex-indifferent asexuals a minority compared to sex-repulsed and sex-averse aces? Yeah, they are, and you can't argue with that fact. Are sexual people who choose celibacy to spare an asexual partner the trouble of sex in the extreme minority of sexual people who get romantically involved with asexuals? Yeah, they are, and you can't argue with that fact either. Do asexuals who are, to any degree, sex-repulsed and sex-averse, bullied, pressured, manipulated, and coerced into sex and are they raped by romantic partners and otherwise sexually assaulted at an extremely high rate in comparison to every other sexual orientation group? Yes, they are, whether the rest of the asexual community wants to listen to them or acknowledge their experiences or not. They are not the exception to the rule, they are not the rare few, they are pretty damn easy to find. Online and offline, here and on other websites where aces congregate. They are not just the victims of repeat offenders; they're the victims of sexual people who have never before coerced their way into sex or raped a romantic partner because every other partner they've ever had actually wanted to have sex with them.

If you want to deny socially and culturally institutionalized compulsory sexuality and sex normativity, if you want to deny rape culture and its implications for asexuals, if you want to downplay how common it is for sexual people of every gender and orientation and age group to commit sexual abuse of some form--whether full blown rape or less aggressive bypassing of ethical consent--and suggest that this is rare and exceptional behavior from people who are not "normal," if you want to believe that sexual people have no social privilege or power over asexuals, I'm not going to spend any more time arguing with you about it or trying to convince you that you're wrong. I know all of those things to be true, and if you want to disagree, you're entitled. But I'm going to point out these facts for other sex-repulsed and sex-averse asexuals to notice, so that they don't walk around blindly and go into mixed romantic relationships with false expectations or hopes or ideas. And I am damn sure going to call out the skewed sense of "compromise" beset on the asexual community in general, based on a raging double standard rooted in the aforementioned compulsory sexuality and sex normativity operating 24/7 in the world. I'm also certainly going to be the one, relentless voice in the void that reminds asexuals who want romantic relationships that they are not limited to the sexual population just because it comprises 99% of the human species, that they're much more likely to have a happy nonsexual romantic relationship with another asexual and if they want to be celibate for the rest of their lives, that's the option they should aim for, and I will continue to point out to them that most asexuals in happy nonsexual romantic relationships are with other asexuals and most mixed romantic relationships involve sex. Because that's the truth.

[Philip027]

Well, yeah. If someone isn't flexible in terms of mono/poly, that's obviously just another limitation of their dating pool. Monogamous folk immediately get taken off my list of potential partners, anyway. :)

All I'm saying is that saying someone is sexual and in a sexless relationship with you kinda loses its meaning (at least in my eyes) when it's known that they're poly and therefore free to pursue sexual relationships with others. To me it means they aren't really giving up anything after all.

[lissi]

It is NOT common for sexuals to commit sexual abuse. This kind of anti sexual statement is shocking, as is the fact that it goes unchallenged.

[Guest]

It is NOT common for sexuals to commit sexual abuse. This kind of anti sexual statement is shocking, as is the fact that it goes unchallenged.

Sexual abuse being common does not mean a majority of sexuals commit abuse. It merely means it is a common occurrence that somewhere, someone sexually abuses someone else. Several of us (myself included) have challenged part of it - since, a majority of people are not sexual abusers. But, the DoJ's National Crime Victimization Survey for the U.S. does have the statistics at about 1 sexual abuse every 133 seconds. So, sexual abuse is a common event and everyone, regardless of orientation, does need to be aware of that. However, 237,868 per year (even if we assume the number is say, double, or even triple, for non-reported cases) certainly supports that the majority of sexuals do not commit abuse (313.9 million people in the U.S., if 1% are asexual then 99% of them are sexual).

[virtua]

aceofhearts61, on 18 Jul 2014 - 8:28 PM, said:

any person who views romantic love, relationships, and attraction as innately superior to nonromantic love, relationships, and attraction and who conducts their friendships according to the rules of normative relating, is a worthless friend to someone with my value system and arguably to anyone who isn't satisfied with the most superficial sort of socializing.

Wow, judgmental much?

I think aceofhearts meant that any person who views romantic feelings and relationships as inherently superior than non-romantic feelings and relationships would be a worthless friend to them, in the same way that someone (asexual or not) who refused to engage in any sexual activity due to ideological reasons would be a "worthless" partner to someone who strongly desires and highly values sex and thus requires it in their romantic relationships.

[Skywolf]

D:
I think compromise is important..but whenever I say that, I mean staying in what you are comfortable with! I'm sex repulsed to, and so no sex has been a very VERY clear boundary in my relationship..it's hard sometimes to think that you're NOT a bad person for denying a sexual person sex (a terrible fact of the modern world, that denying someone else something that isn't theirs makes you a bad person), but you are NOT. It's SO important to not make yourself feel awful..that doesn't make a relationship work. In my relationship, I compromise by being more open to simple cuddles and stuff, but..compromise is important but so are boundaries! Don't compromise who you are, it doesn't make you any less of a person to be who you are.

You can find someone who doesn't want sex (sex-repulsed, or asexual, etc.) or someone who just plain is understanding and will communicate with you. It is possible, just try to be patient and strong. You are who you are and there's nothing wrong with that, and you can find someone who understands that.

[Hdiwjakckx]

Umm. I am a guy. I don't want sex. We exist, you don't need to compromise anything you don't want to! Although, your selection of possible boyfriends is cut by about 98% haha. No one said it was easy!