Do you HAVE to compromise?

[skymessenger]

I'll start out by saying I've never been in a relationship before (never even kissed anyone). But someday, maybe I will. After I resolve some issues, decide what I want in life and have control over college & future, maybe I'll try dating.

But a lot of dating has to do with sex. So if I were to find someone, I'd have to force myself to give him what he wants. Yeah that sounds lovely (sarcasm if you didn't know). And if I didn't give the guy sex, the relationship would be pointless and I'd only be hurting the other party.

I don't WANT to have sex. EVER. It's something I've decided personally. Maybe I'll fall in love with a sweet guy but even then, I don't ever want to have sex. It's hard to explain but the idea of it is...well...not appealing. I've almost puked several times just thinking about forcing myself to have sex with someone, whether I love him or not. I don't need sex in my life nor do I want to compromise on that.

Does that mean I'm wrong to have a relationship someday? Should I not go after someone or date anyone because I deny them sex? I mean I am ok with an open relationship with a few rules (no family/friends involved, I should be told that it happened and the one my significant other loves most is me alone). But is that asking for too much? Would a guy even want to go out with me or consider the scenario?

[Ace of Cakes]

As long as you are honest with your future partner I there is no problem with not compromising. It's your body and your right to say no to sex, regardless of the circumstances. It sounds like you might be sex-repulsed, which only serves to strengthen that. You shouldn't force yourself to give any future boyfriend what he wants unless it's what you want as well.

Of course, when you bring up your asexuality is another question - before beginning the relationship? once you realize it's serious? when the topic of sex comes up? Honestly, I don't know when is best.

Whether this means that you may be more comfortable with a partner who is also asexual is up to you, but of course for many people that's pretty hard to find. Especially if you're open minded regarding an open relationship I think you'll be able to make it work - in a way, that is a compromise, even if you're not compromising by having sex. You're sacrificing something for your partner's benefit.

While it's certainly not easy to make a mixed relationship work, it is possible. You may not be able to have as many guys who would be okay with this, but there are some out there, and I hope you find one :)

[Touchofinsight]

I'll start out by saying I've never been in a relationship before (never even kissed anyone). But someday, maybe I will. After I resolve some issues, decide what I want in life and have control over college & future, maybe I'll try dating.

But a lot of dating has to do with sex. So if I were to find someone, I'd have to force myself to give him what he wants. Yeah that sounds lovely (sarcasm if you didn't know). And if I didn't give the guy sex, the relationship would be pointless and I'd only be hurting the other party.

I don't WANT to have sex. EVER. It's something I've decided personally. Maybe I'll fall in love with a sweet guy but even then, I don't ever want to have sex. It's hard to explain but the idea of it is...well...not appealing. I've almost puked several times just thinking about forcing myself to have sex with someone, whether I love him or not. I don't need sex in my life nor do I want to compromise on that.

Does that mean I'm wrong to have a relationship someday? Should I not go after someone or date anyone because I deny them sex? I mean I am ok with an open relationship with a few rules (no family/friends involved, I should be told that it happened and the one my significant other loves most is me alone). But is that asking for too much? Would a guy even want to go out with me or consider the scenario?

No you don't have to compromise, but the less flexible you are about the situation the more difficulty you may find in retaining a person who isn't asexual or has low to no interest in sex. However that being said you do need to tell people your interesting in dating the truth about your sex life in the future once you start dating... if you don't want to make people feel like they were being led on.

Its their right to end the relationship if they feel that not having sex can not work for them.

Its not impossible but it will be very difficult. Its up to the person dating you if they want to continue and if they find out later on that they just can't do it... well that is on them, they took the chance, you didn't force them to date you or withhold important deal breaking information.

The analogy I always use is wouldn't you want someone who you were seriously dating to tell you that they were say... moving far away from you before you got serious with someone?

[Member54880]

It's not wrong for you to want a relationship, and you're not "asking for too much" to want to uphold your own boundaries, and not do something that'd make you unhappy! There are people out there who are fine with giving up sex in a relationship, or are perfectly happy without it, and it's a matter of finding them. Or if you and the other person are comfortable with having an open relationship, that could be another option.

It's daunting; you'd need to be upfront about not wanting sex at least as soon as the subject comes up, and while it'd turn some people away, they were people you wouldn't have been compatible with.

[Kaliki-4]

Definitely do not compromise. You will not be happy with yourself and will resent your partner as well. I know. I've been there. I feel you should be up front about your feelings early on. Apparently there are more people out there who are asexual than meets the eye. I am astounded at the community on this website. I have felt so alone for so many years and have felt like there's something physically and mentally wrong with me. Hopefully, you will be able to meet someone who has the same feelings you do and complement each other in a fulfilling relationship.

I like the analogy that Touchofinsight gave about moving away. If I had known myself well enough that I would struggle with wanting to be intimate with my husband of 25 years for nearly ALL of those years, and if he had told me he was addicted to sex to the point where I never got a moments' peace for years and years, I would have called the marriage off.

[passionatefriend61]

1. You are not obligated to have sex, ever.

2. "Compromise" doesn't even apply to sex in mixed romantic relationships if you're using the word correctly. What you're talking about is sacrifice.

3. Notice how whenever people, both asexual and sexual, throw around this word "compromise" in reference to sex, they're always talking about the asexual having sex they don't want or like. It's never about the sexual person giving it up "for love" and to be a "good partner." Double standard much?

4. Never, ever assume or think or talk as if you're the only sex-repulsed asexual in the world who wants a romantic relationship. Sexual people are not your only option. There's a growing number of ace/ace couples who are doing quite well. There's plenty of alloromantic aces on this board and elsewhere online and offline who would die happy if they could have a good romantic asexual relationship.

[Misanthropy]

It's like anything in life-

the less flexible you are, the smaller your options are and the less likely it is for you to get what you want.

If that's the only thing you are really set on, you probably won't have that hard of a time. Just stick to ace sites.

[romantic-woman]

Great thoughts...i have the same problem. People tell me that if i wanna have a serious relationship i must compromise and give the boy what he wants -which means not only sex but the way he wants too cause if i don't do it he will find it in somewhere else....

I don't wanna do it ever, i tried to convince myself that i have to do it but i can't! This is pointless and disgusting for me so i don't know if a boy would like to have a woman who feels bad everytime he asks sex.

I just wanted to find a boy who is the same as me. Of course i like love but real love without sex in my life...I don't know if it is possible to have someone who can understand me. It is sad cause many tell me that i will stay alone in my life and i won't have someone to love the way i am. I faced it before and i saw that many relationships exist cause they do sex and i also saw that when someone in the relationship admits that he/she doesn't want sex at all or even not as so often as the other one wants the relationship stops !

[Dethsdream]

I recently was in a relationship with a sexual (against my better judgement- she liked me as more than a friend but I didn't want to lose her, so I agreed to be in a relationship WITHOUT having told her about my suspected asexuality), and I found myself compromising constantly. I had to actually force myself to do just little things like holding hands and kissing because they didn't come naturally to me and felt quite uncomfortable. When we made out or went further I couldn't help but think, 'when can I end this without hurting her feelings', and 'I don't want to be doing this'. We ended up breaking up because she slept with someone else because she felt a disconnect in our relationship. I can't really blame her.

Anyways, I think that it just depends on you. If you are not willing to "compromise", and/or the thought makes you uncomfortable, then you definitely shouldn't. I wish I hadn't compromised in my relationship because I would feel repulsed and disgusted by myself, but every relationship is different, and just because sacrifice isn't possible in one relationship (by either you or whomever you become interested in romantically) doesn't mean that you can't find one where it is. I mean, there is a chance you could meet another ace, and then you wouldn't have to compromise at all! Everyone is different, and if someone truly loves you, they will not force you to have sex with them. It would take a situation where you were absolutely comfortable discussing exactly how you feel, but I think it definitely is possible to have a relationship where you don't have to sacrifice your fundamental values simply to make your future s.o. happy.

[Kitty Spoon Train]

A relationship is whatever you and another person agree to have together. There are no absolutes - no fixed features that just have to be part of a relationship.

In other words, if not having sex is one of your personal core values for your relationships, then of course you don't have to compromise on that. As others have said, that will confine your potential dating pool quite a bit, but if it really is such a core point for you in relationships, then it's perfectly valid.

Same goes for anything else to do with relationships, no matter how much society generally expects those "features" in relationships.

[Guest Lady.Lizard]

You should never have to feel like you must compromise your own position in order to make someone else happy - if that is what is happening, they're not right for you. A true partner should respect your sexuality and your feelings. Just be honest with them from the beginning and you'll soon find the ones who are willing to have a sex-less relationship - and yes, they really exist.

Not all sexuals feel the constant need for sex, my boyfriend knows I'm ace, and is willing to forgo that particular area of a relationship in order to make sure we are both comfortable, I actually think it's given us a stronger relationship, because let's face it, most things that cock up a relationship (no pun intended) stem from the bedroom department somewhere along the line.

I suppose what I'm really getting at is that relationships without sex are not pointless. You can gain so much through companionship, shared experiences, romantic interaction (hugs, sweet, gentle kisses, hand holding) if that is what you are after, without the added pressure that sexual performance puts on a relationship.

Not wanting sex doesn't mean you shouldn't date, because you might just find a guy who loves you for *you* and not the sex, in which case you will both have a wonderful time.

[Corretto]

I am disappointed with the majority of you that have replied to skymessenger's original statement.

You are all using the word 'compromise', to varying degrees, in a vehement [even aggressive] fashion...that is so out of context with the meaning of the word. I suggest you 'look-it-up'! After all, the word 'compromise' is not a synonym for 'surrender', 'cop-out' or 'give-up'.

The concept of compromise can also have, if you weren't already aware, a positive definition; such as agreement, settlement and understanding.

I suggest that compromise can play a valuable part in the establishment of a relationship...and should it fail to be reached, then the relationship may not progress.

Compromise is as much a process as a result! It shouldn't be abandoned simply because of one's myopic perspective. Thank you. CiaO

[Guest]

A relationship is whatever you and another person agree to have together. There are no absolutes - no fixed features that just have to be part of a relationship.

In other words, if not having sex is one of your personal core values for your relationships, then of course you don't have to compromise on that. As others have said, that will confine your potential dating pool quite a bit, but if it really is such a core point for you in relationships, then it's perfectly valid.

Same goes for anything else to do with relationships, no matter how much society generally expects those "features" in relationships.

Perfectly put.

You do not have to compromise on anything, and you're allowed to have as many hard limits and dealbreakers as you feel there are for you - if you feel that way about them, they're valid, end of story.

However, you do have to accept the reality that your "dating pool" gets smaller with every compromise you aren't ready to make.

Not that that's a bad thing, though. I consider the myth that "love conquers all" (i.e., any two people can have a relationship if they just "love each other enough") to be horribly toxic. Irreconciliable incompatibilities are very real, and there's no shame in them. It may take time, sometimes a lot of time, to run into someone you're compatible with (for me, it didn't happen until I was 34), but IMO, that's better than spastically trying to make things work that simply don't because the people involved are incompatibly different.

A relationship that isn't, for the most part, easy and naturally flowing for everyone involved without tons of compromise and negotations, is simply not a relationship I bother stressing myself with. I don't need to be partner-compatible with everyone... one in a couple ten thousand people is plenty. ;)

[MadRat]

Well, I compromise. My compromise is I don´t date.

[Philip027]

sky, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do when it comes to relationships, and relationships come in all shapes and sizes. You have just as much right as the next person to pursue the kind of relationship that you want. Nothing is wrong with that.

I am disappointed with the majority of you that have replied to skymessenger's original statement.

You are all using the word 'compromise', to varying degrees, in a vehement [even aggressive] fashion...that is so out of context with the meaning of the word. I suggest you 'look-it-up'! After all, the word 'compromise' is not a synonym for 'surrender', 'cop-out' or 'give-up'.

The concept of compromise can also have, if you weren't already aware, a positive definition; such as agreement, settlement and understanding.

I suggest that compromise can play a valuable part in the establishment of a relationship...and should it fail to be reached, then the relationship may not progress.

Compromise is as much a process as a result! It shouldn't be abandoned simply because of one's myopic perspective. Thank you. CiaO

Yeah, I think (hope) we all know that healthy compromise is a good thing and every relationship needs it. But that's not the kind of compromise this topic is talking about. It's pretty clearly referring strictly to sexual "compromise".

[Sebastian Grace]

If you don't want to have sex, don't have sex. Don't let anyone pressure you into doing something you don't want to do. I don't think that compromising your desire not to have sex is something you should feel like you should do because anyone who would want you to have sex with them against your will is being disrespectful of your identity and wishes.

Bottom line: it's your choice, and yours only.

[HermioneGranger]

You are the only person you are guaranteed to be with for the rest of your life, so you need to be true to yourself first. Your dating pool is going to be smaller than if you were sexual, but that doesn't have to be a negative. You just have to be honest with potential partners about who you are and what you want in a relationship.

[Skywolf]

I'll start out by saying I've never been in a relationship before (never even kissed anyone). But someday, maybe I will. After I resolve some issues, decide what I want in life and have control over college & future, maybe I'll try dating.

But a lot of dating has to do with sex. So if I were to find someone, I'd have to force myself to give him what he wants. Yeah that sounds lovely (sarcasm if you didn't know). And if I didn't give the guy sex, the relationship would be pointless and I'd only be hurting the other party.

I don't WANT to have sex. EVER. It's something I've decided personally. Maybe I'll fall in love with a sweet guy but even then, I don't ever want to have sex. It's hard to explain but the idea of it is...well...not appealing. I've almost puked several times just thinking about forcing myself to have sex with someone, whether I love him or not. I don't need sex in my life nor do I want to compromise on that.

Does that mean I'm wrong to have a relationship someday? Should I not go after someone or date anyone because I deny them sex? I mean I am ok with an open relationship with a few rules (no family/friends involved, I should be told that it happened and the one my significant other loves most is me alone). But is that asking for too much? Would a guy even want to go out with me or consider the scenario?

Actually, not a lot of dating has to do with sex if you're honest. So you wouldn't have to force yourself to do anything, you should NEVER feel like you have to force yourself to do anything. You do not deny them anything, if sex is THAT important to someone else, perhaps a relationship with them just isn't meant to be and both of you should be with someone else.

The answer to would a guy even want to go out with you or consider the scenario? Yes! Mostly depending on who they are. You could find someone else who is sex-repulsed, or ace. Personally, my boyfriend isn't either of those. He is sexual, but cares more about our relationship than sex, so we compromise on how much affection I can give him, but I made it very clear from the start that there would be no sex and hey, he was okay with it. So my recommendation, though it may be hard and yes, it may be a deal breaker for a lot of people (but that just means, find someone else, not that there is anything wrong with you for sticking to what you are comfortable with and what you want), but be honest with that you don't want that. If you think a relationship might be tending toward somewhere you don't want to go, ditch it, and if it seems promising...be honest.

[HermioneGranger]

Double post deleted.

[brbdogsonfire]

As a sexual here I have to ask the question why is it viewed that a sexual should be willing to sacrifice sex which is important to sexuals but its not OK for the sexual to ask for sex from the ace. There are several mentions of double standards against asexuals here but several posts directly apply a double standard against sexuals. I want awareness of asexuality and agree our culture is to sex oriented but demonizing what sexuals want doesn't help anyone.

[The Great WTF]

As a sexual here I have to ask the question why is it viewed that a sexual should be willing to sacrifice sex which is important to sexuals but its not OK for the sexual to ask for sex from the ace. There are several mentions of double standards against asexuals here but several posts directly apply a double standard against sexuals. I want awareness of asexuality and agree our culture is to sex oriented but demonizing what sexuals want doesn't help anyone.

*sigh* Welcome to my world. I've been fighting this battle for years. Sadly, I see people on both sides treating compromise as all or nothing and accusing each other of forcing their side to do all the compromising. A lot of it comes down to just simple misunderstanding (or in some cases refusal to understand.) It's hard for people who have never experienced something to understand how very important it can be, in particular the 'more than just a physical act' bit, and there is a natural tendency to butt your head against things that you don't understand when you're overexposed to it instead of trying to understand it.

[Touchofinsight]

As a sexual here I have to ask the question why is it viewed that a sexual should be willing to sacrifice sex which is important to sexuals but its not OK for the sexual to ask for sex from the ace. There are several mentions of double standards against asexuals here but several posts directly apply a double standard against sexuals. I want awareness of asexuality and agree our culture is to sex oriented but demonizing what sexuals want doesn't help anyone.

*sigh* Welcome to my world. I've been fighting this battle for years. Sadly, I see people on both sides treating compromise as all or nothing and accusing each other of forcing their side to do all the compromising. A lot of it comes down to just simple misunderstanding (or in some cases refusal to understand.) It's hard for people who have never experienced something to understand how very important it can be, in particular the 'more than just a physical act' bit, and there is a natural tendency to butt your head against things that you don't understand when you're overexposed to it instead of trying to understand it.

Those people... don't belong in relationships or at the very least shouldn't be together. If your that much on parallel sides and you can't come to an agreement, break up. People are too damn afraid to be "alone" its sickening. Hey lets just stay in this toxic relationship and fight every day just so I can name drop "girlfriend/boyfriend, husband/wife" every once in awhile and so that im not ... "alone". Had to vent a bit there.

[The Great WTF]

As a sexual here I have to ask the question why is it viewed that a sexual should be willing to sacrifice sex which is important to sexuals but its not OK for the sexual to ask for sex from the ace. There are several mentions of double standards against asexuals here but several posts directly apply a double standard against sexuals. I want awareness of asexuality and agree our culture is to sex oriented but demonizing what sexuals want doesn't help anyone.

*sigh* Welcome to my world. I've been fighting this battle for years. Sadly, I see people on both sides treating compromise as all or nothing and accusing each other of forcing their side to do all the compromising. A lot of it comes down to just simple misunderstanding (or in some cases refusal to understand.) It's hard for people who have never experienced something to understand how very important it can be, in particular the 'more than just a physical act' bit, and there is a natural tendency to butt your head against things that you don't understand when you're overexposed to it instead of trying to understand it.

Those people... don't belong in relationships or at the very least shouldn't be together. If your that much on parallel sides and you can't come to an agreement, break up. People are too damn afraid to be "alone" its sickening. Hey lets just stay in this toxic relationship and fight every day just so I can name drop "girlfriend/boyfriend, husband/wife" every once in awhile and so that im not ... "alone". Had to vent a bit there.

All I can say is a-fucking-men.

[travelingnotes]

Sigh. Unfortunately it's just the way it is. No, you don't have to compromise, nor SHOULD you. Unless you find someone who will compromise their want/need for sex you are running the high risk of being left by them or cheated on - it's just how it is. I think its extremely rare to find a sexual person who will be willing to not cross the line or want sex, so I mean..? Unless you find another ace or someone with a really low sex drive..

but there is nothing wrong with being alone.

If you're okay with an open relationship that's your business. Personally, I would not want a person that I'm with running off with someone else so they can get their sexual fix or whatever..

[SithLord]

Okay, I want to bring something up that so far I don't think has been mentioned.

Why don't you start a relationship willing to try, but not going in with the intention of having sex?

Maybe that doesn't make sense so let me try to explain via my experience. I'm an asexual that's fairly sex repulsed. My bf is straight but is willing to take everything slow. I started the relationship not kissing or cuddling or anything, but now they're not so bad for me (kissing I never like, but cuddling is sometimes enjoyable) and I do them for my bf. I still don't get why he wants more or the point in progressing further, but he wants to so I try. I still don't want sex and it grosses me out, but he wants it eventually so I'm trying to get to the point where I'm willing/able to sleep with him.

What I'm suggesting is that you try to work on your revulsion, and maybe help it go away. The thought of sex has never made me puke, but it certainly was farther off the table than it is now.

I'm saying try this as a compromise. Maybe it'll work, maybe it won't. Only time will tell.

But it's certainly not a necessary thing to compromise in the sense of having sex. But you should compromise on things like cuddling, kissing, who pays the bill(s), etc. No compromise in a relationship at all isn't a relationship.

Maybe you can look for an asexual partner. There are dating sites for that, like Acebook.

[kimbo21]

It's never asking too much for you to have your own wants and desires met. The absolute worst thing you could do is compromise your ideals. You are not just indifferent to sex, but it seems like you are really not into it at all. Therefore it is possible that there would be psychological effects if you force yourself to do something you don't want to. Just let life happen and don't worry too much about what may or may not happen :)

[Sally]

I'll contribute a probably controversial comment: Someone who says "I don't believe in divorce" but wants everyone's sympathy for having to live with their partner who doesn't understand them/won't give them what they need...just doesn't deserve sympathy. If you'd rather be miserable (and live with an also-miserable partner) instead of making a rational decision, then that's your own fault.

[ShogunV2]

Find someone who doesn't expect you to compromise. Easy.

[travelingnotes]

^ Not that easy.

[SorryNotSorry]

It's not wrong for you to want a relationship, and you're not "asking for too much" to want to uphold your own boundaries, and not do something that'd make you unhappy! There are people out there who are fine with giving up sex in a relationship, or are perfectly happy without it, and it's a matter of finding them. Or if you and the other person are comfortable with having an open relationship, that could be another option.

It's daunting; you'd need to be upfront about not wanting sex at least as soon as the subject comes up, and while it'd turn some people away, they were people you wouldn't have been compatible with.

^^That.^^