Advice?

[Clairvoyance]

(I'm new here and haven't quite gotten the hang of topics, so let me know if this is the wrong forum to put this and I'll move it.)

So I've just recently started to become a little more open about my asexuality with my very close friends and family. My sister fully supports me and even cracks little jokes to help show it/ease tension, but my parents? Not so much. My dad flat out dismisses the notion of it all and my mom is somehow... uncomfortable with it? My father I can deal with, but she's a whole other ballpark.

When I first came out to her she said some pretty mean stuff (ex. I"f that's so why don't you cut your hair and start acting more like a boy"). I was sure that she just confused asexual with transgender, so I happily explained the whole concept of it to her to which she responded with "that's not a real thing, you probably just found that on the Internet".

The comments have died down since then due to my lack of even bringing up the word asexual- but she pulled me aside today to talk to me. This is what she said:

"You know, people are getting very uncomfortable with your constant talk about your....sexuality. You need to stop bringing it up, it's not something people want to know about. Why did you even feel the need to tell anyone about it?"

I pointed out that I haven't been talking about it at all, though my sister had been joking around with me earlier about the subject.

It's painfully obvious that she's uncomfortable with the topic of asexuality, even though I try my hardest not to bring it up, it tends to bump into conversations and she gets either really quiet or completely leaves the room. I feel like she might think that asexuality is just something fake made by some sort of Internet weirdo, and I'd love to try and help her be more comfortable with it and prove it's something real and out there.

Which brings me to wrap up this drawn-out rant of a question. What should I do? I'm leaving tomorrow to visit with my dad for a month (divorce hooray) but if there's anything I can email her, or something I can say before I go, I would appreciate the help.

I'm sorry that was so long (and the grammar is probably physically painful to read- sorry its late at night for me). If you need me to elaborate any further (god help us), let me know

[argar]

I think maybe your mom thinks this could be an attack on her. She might be thinking that the reason you brought this up was to hurt her.

Another thing, it could be she is really scared for you. She could be afraid that by bringing up asexuality you could be making yourself a target.

This is all an assumption on my part, but I think your mom really loves you. I think she might be feeling like you are trying to separate from her.

I don't really know.

I would tell your mom that you love her, that your asexuality has nothing to do with hurting her. Invite her to AVEN, have her read some of our stories.

Good luck, I hope you can mend fences with her.

[Feathers]

If your mother isn't understanding then it may be wise just to drop it for now. It might seem sad and depressing that she doesn't want to accept you, but the day will come! <3

[Clairvoyance]

I think maybe your mom thinks this could be an attack on her. She might be thinking that the reason you brought this up was to hurt her.

Another thing, it could be she is really scared for you. She could be afraid that by bringing up asexuality you could be making yourself a target.

This is all an assumption on my part, but I think your mom really loves you. I think she might be feeling like you are trying to separate from her.

I don't really know.

I would tell your mom that you love her, that your asexuality has nothing to do with hurting her. Invite her to AVEN, have her read some of our stories.

Good luck, I hope you can mend fences with her.

Hmm, I never really thought of it that way. I always knew she was scared, either of me or for me, but the way you explain it, I sincerely hope that it's just that. She's been very prone to anti anything-not-heterosexual-talk, so my first thoughts were defensive instead of reasoning.

Your advice is amazing, and I'll be sure to talk to her and send her a link to the website. She might be more understanding once she sees the stories people have told, as you pointed out. Thank you very, very much for your help!

[Clairvoyance]

If your mother isn't understanding then it may be wise just to drop it for now. It might seem sad and depressing that she doesn't want to accept you, but the day will come! <3

I've thought about doing that, yeah. Though trying to show her it's not bad to be asexual would be a dream come true, if I try to show her anything or talk to her, it might hurt the situation instead of help. I might settle with the option of just sending her a small email with a link to the site while I'm away so she'll have time to read up on it while I'm not around- or just not look at it at all.

The whole situation is frustrating to say the least, but thank you very much for your advice and good wishes. If things don't work out, the broken pieces will mend over time! She can't stay mad forever, can she?

[argar]

I hope things work out, I really do, but let me just remind you that I am making a lot of assumptions on limited information.

I really don't want to see you hurt if your mom reacts in a completely negative manner.

Either way I hope the talk you have is productive and maybe a little education will go a long way towards understanding.

[Certified Cake Decorator]

I think i am going to take this advice too.

I am in the EXACT same boat. Except on top of ace-ness i made the mistake of lumping it with my maverique-ness. Ooooooh, no. One step at a time.

Just take everything one step at a time. That's my advice that i learned through error, then lack of further trial :)

[Clairvoyance]

I hope things work out, I really do, but let me just remind you that I am making a lot of assumptions on limited information.

I really don't want to see you hurt if your mom reacts in a completely negative manner.

Either way I hope the talk you have is productive and maybe a little education will go a long way towards understanding.

Of course, of course. You don't have my whole life's story in your head (nor would I expect you to based on the shortened information I've provided on the matter to begin with). Your suggestions have merely opened a different perspective of looking at things, and I probably should have included more background info than I did, and for that I apologize.

That's very sweet of you to say, and I appreciate your concern. Sexuality in general is a very very touchy subject that everyone reacts to differently depending on the circumstance, so it's difficult to give advice when you don't know how someone would react. It's hard for even I to judge how she would respond, since asexuality is something she doesn't know about or understand. Talking might help, or talking might hurt, but honestly I'll never know unless I try. Worst case scenario she doesn't, and I'll just have to let the subject go for now.

I hope it goes over smoothly as well, and thank you again for your help and patience.

[Clairvoyance]

I think i am going to take this advice too.

I am in the EXACT same boat. Except on top of ace-ness i made the mistake of lumping it with my maverique-ness. Ooooooh, no. One step at a time.

Just take everything one step at a time. That's my advice that i learned through error, then lack of further trial :)

Thank you for taking the time to respond, especially when you're in the same boat as me. Hopefully advice people are giving me can help us both!

I'll be sure to keep your advice in mind and not rush through anything. Throwing information at her not be helping either of us, and might just confuse her more than help.

Thanks again for your help, friend! I wish you luck with your own trials, I know from stories friends have told me that anything gender-based can be a hard pill to swallow for parents. If you ever need a friend to talk to, my inbox is always open!

[CNGB]

As others have already said, I suggest you send her to specific links in AVEN. The FAQ section, for example, or someone's testimony that you really like. Judging by how she's already acted now (and, if I had to guess--and as you already understand, I'm merely guessing--I would say that she is afraid that you will end up alone and unhappy), there's a chance that she won't bother taking the time to search through things herself. Just a small chance. It depends on her personality as a whole, really, but I think if my mother was uncomfortable with my asexuality she wouldn't take a whole lot of time out of her day to read about it if I just gave her the link to the Web site, but if I gave her specific links to things I actually wanted her to read . . . maybe.

[Clairvoyance]

As others have already said, I suggest you send her to specific links in AVEN. The FAQ section, for example, or someone's testimony that you really like. Judging by how she's already acted now (and, if I had to guess--and as you already understand, I'm merely guessing--I would say that she is afraid that you will end up alone and unhappy), there's a chance that she won't bother taking the time to search through things herself. Just a small chance. It depends on her personality as a whole, really, but I think if my mother was uncomfortable with my asexuality she wouldn't take a whole lot of time out of her day to read about it if I just gave her the link to the Web site, but if I gave her specific links to things I actually wanted her to read . . . maybe.

Ah, good point, good point. Sending her just a link of the website and saying 'have fun!' might be a bit of an overload of information. I'll be sure to send her the FAQ, that way she can have a good starting point with research and some questions she might have will be answered.

Judging by my mother's past actions, I'd say that she probably didn't bother to research anything in depth- the most she would have done might be Wikipedia. If I outright hand her a link, she'll definitely read it and hopefully have more information to carry on the topic.

Thank you very much for adding your advice!

[kelico]

I'm glad you're getting a lot of great advice here! First off, I wanted to say your grammar was exceptional! Lol, seriously. I didn't see any mistakes. Anyhoo...

I agree about sharing specific links to AVEN! There's so much wonderful information and living testimony that being asexual isn't the end of the world (or whatever your mom thinks it is), so maybe find some that really speaks to you that you feel may make sense to your mom. There are also a lot of insightful videos on youtube that maybe she could watch. It's difficult having parents (or friends/family) that do not accept you for who you are. I really really hope that your mom puts some effort into understanding you--because you shouldn't have to be the one making all of the effort. : ( Continue to be yourself. I've found that my own acceptance of myself is most important! Other people's opinions come after (even if it hurts to not have their support at first).

I wish you the best!

[Clairvoyance]

I'm glad you're getting a lot of great advice here! First off, I wanted to say your grammar was exceptional! Lol, seriously. I didn't see any mistakes. Anyhoo...

I agree about sharing specific links to AVEN! There's so much wonderful information and living testimony that being asexual isn't the end of the world (or whatever your mom thinks it is), so maybe find some that really speaks to you that you feel may make sense to your mom. There are also a lot of insightful videos on youtube that maybe she could watch. It's difficult having parents (or friends/family) that do not accept you for who you are. I really really hope that your mom puts some effort into understanding you--because you shouldn't have to be the one making all of the effort. : ( Continue to be yourself. I've found that my own acceptance of myself is most important! Other people's opinions come after (even if it hurts to not have their support at first).

I wish you the best!

Oh, that's a relief! I wrote everything at 10:00 and was answering replies until midnight, so I was worried that my drowsy brain might have slipped up once or twice. ouo

I'll certainly send specific links. I actually took a look through the FAQ, and they have a specific section for family/friends that I'd never seen before. I'll have to browse YouTube when I get a moment so I can try to find a video to go along with it. If I can't find anything, she has Netflix, so I can tell her to watch the (A)sexual documentary.

Thank you very much for taking the time to give me advice (and for the cake <3)!

[Janus the Fox]

E-mailing is a good idea, maybe emailing the front page FAQ, even a link on actual scientific or sociological studies that Asexuality is a recognised thing or another is printing the various pamphlets located in the visibility section.

[Valar Morghulis]

I think you need to give her time to process and time will tell. Its a hard concept to grasp even for some asexuals so imagine how it is for her who doesnt feel it herself.

I wouldnt "drop" the subject at all. I mean, I wouldnt be bringing it up for no reason but I wouldnt play like nothing was said either., it was your decision to share that part of yourself and if you wanted that they have to deal with it heheh

I wouldnt e mail her things either, its important to do it face to face, for me personally at least. Maybe surf Aven with her?

[Clairvoyance]

E-mailing is a good idea, maybe emailing the front page FAQ, even a link on actual scientific or sociological studies that Asexuality is a recognised thing or another is printing the various pamphlets located in the visibility section.

Thank you so much for your advice, I'll be sure to do that!