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High sex drive, low attraction?


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I'm 19, female, in college. I've never had a crush. I remember randomly choosing classmate's names in high school/middle school just to get my friend to shut up about asking who I liked. I knew early on that I never want kids, and marriage is a "we'll see." Sometimes I can be talked into dating someone, but I've never made it longer than 2 months without ending things, even if the guy does everything right. And I usually feel pretty indifferent towards the person during the relationship and breakup. Relationships usually make me feel anxious and suffocated. I only feel comfortable starting a relationship if I know that I won't have to be with that person for long (i.e. leaving for school in a few weeks). Despite all that, I love sex! Although I'm not really attracted to people, I can usually be convinced to have sex. However this never makes me feel any more intimate with that person. Unlike all other aspects of my life, I feel emotianally detached.

Many people on this forum talk about developing long, close relationships where they might agree to sex after waiting a very long time, but I don't relate to this at all. As defined by asexuality, I'm not sexually attracted to people, but I still want sex. I just feel nothing towards my partners. This all seems somewhat immoral to me but I don't know the right way to go about sex/dating. I can't tell if I'm asexual, not mature enough for relationships, still experimenting, or just haven't met the right guy yet. I've hurt a lot of feelings without getting emotionally involved myself. I really want to be in a loving relationship and I'm sure the sex would be better if I were actually attracted to the person, but I've never come close. Has anyone else experienced this?

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Misanthropy

That makes you sound like an aromantic sexual. That's really interesting.

If something is mutual there is nothing wrong with it.

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WhenSummersGone

It sounds like your sexual and romantic orientations don't line up. It's possible to experience sexual attraction/desire without experiencing romantic attraction/desire. It's also possible to be in a platonic relationship with someone if you don't desire a romantic relationship.

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Sounds like aromantic but possibly grey-sexual?

I had something sort of similar happen when I was on Prozac for a year. Libido went through the roof. (Note: That's the exact opposite of what SSRIs normally do to people. Drugs affect me weirdly.) I don't normally have a libido worth mentioning, so that was weird enough. But I still wasn't actually attracted to anybody and I was mildly sex-repulsed at the time to boot, so I couldn't do anything with it. TMI:

And I did get the normal SSRI-induced ED, so even if I had wanted to I couldn't do anything.

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Hey Bunny :] Only you can figure out your orientation, so pick whichever feels right to you (or you don't have to define yourself at all). As for having a high sex drive and being not sexually attracted to people or emotionally involved in sex, it's not a bad thing at all. You have a libido, you just don't see people that you specifically want sex with and sex can still be physically very pleasurable for you. Some people need the emotionally attachment before sex or say that enhances the act, but I've personally never had any emotion besides boredom with it :3 Idk if you'll change at all, but emotionally detached guys are usually less suffocating. Just find someone understanding :D. I've told guys about my tendency to want to leave after a month and we just worked through things.

Good luck! Welcome to AVEN! :cake:

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binary suns

The current definition of asexuality is, "not feeling sexual attraction"

since you never feel attracted towards a person, that certainly matches the definition :)

My observance is that more often than not someone who identifies as asexual doesn't want to have sex, whether it's actively disliking it or simply feeling neutral about it. I don't know anything off the top of the head, but something to add that also clarifies the high sex drive would probably be useful... hmm...

I guess I just really disagree with the first three posts, I don't feel like wanting sex invalidates any lack of sexual desire. You say you don't feel attraction to anyone, if that lack of attraction isn't just lack of romantic attraction it's also lack of sexual attraction, then according to the definition of asexuality it fits as an identity.

I'm sure you know yourself, but I guess a way to tell if you are attracted sexually, is if you think about or look at people or hear someone or whatever and are like "AHGAMA lets have sex" it's at least a hint of sexual attraction, whereas if you just go around wishing you were sexually being please but everyone seems just as whatever as everyone else, well sounds like a lack of attraction but like you said a high sex drive.

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Have you watched movie Nymphomaniac? Maybe you should try having sex till you get bored or you find someone who enjoys sex as much as you do?

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Fire & Rain

I agree with Rinnie. Asexuality is lack of sexual attraction. If you say you don't experience it, then you don't.

If you have a high sex drive, you might still want sex. There's nothing wrong with it. Everyone is different. There are people who can enjoy sexual experience without sexual attraction.

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well ur deffinately not asexual is what i can tell u. ur probably just aromantic and maybe nyphomanica (not sure how its called actually but ppl who rly like/want to do it)

The current definition of asexuality is, "not feeling sexual attraction"

well thats just so wrong, just anyone is ace then.

so many ppl out there desperately trying to get laid just with anyone doubt they even got time to get to know whom theyre about to do it with not even talking about getting attractions to them, u wont call them asexual lol.

what even is sexual attraction? some guys just see a pic of boobs or ass and its time to beat their meat already. doubt they feel like exactly attracted to a pair of fat bulbs. yet theyre no ace

actually this site needs to stop give excuses to about anyone who just wants new title for them just to be able to stand out or whatever reasons...

typical asexual dont wanna do sex and most likely is either grossed out by it or is indiferent to it.

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The Great WTF

Friendly reminder that telling another member that they are or are not asexual is against the AVEN ToS and thus is not permitted. It is up to each person individually to decide what title is best suited to them and, while it is most common for asexuals to dislike or be indifferent to sex, there is no rule that says they have to be.

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Member54880

Do relationships (presumably romantic ones) in general make you feel suffocated, or is it about the expectations that come with relationships? I'm still trying to separate whether I'm actually repulsed by romantic relationships in general, or just the expectations associated with them, so that's why that question came to mind.

If you don't feel any desire for romantic relationships, you could be aromantic. Here's a thread on aromanticism, and aromantics sharing their experiences: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/97666-the-new-aromantic-thread-v15/

Do you think that label fits you?

It's possible to be asexual, and want sex despite a lack of internal desire, or need for it. There are some people here who may feel similarly to you: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/102925-asexuals-who-like-sex-vs-indifferent-asexuals/

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Bunny, I can relate with you a lot (relationships, detachment, emotional involvement and not feeling sexual attraction toward anybody). Only difference between you and me is that I don't desire sex with people and I think my libido is quite low anyways. People does not turn me on sexually (neither much romantically) or at least I haven't met anyone yet who does. But I believe sex would be better (if you like sex), like any other activity or shared moment, if you would feel strong attraction or connection (even love)for the person. If you hug someone out of love then surely that is different experience than if you just give someone random hug on the street. But love and attraction is not something you can force to happen or decide to make happen. It happens naturally if it does. Also we all change (even emotionally) when we grow older and we learn knew debts within ourselves also....so you might start to seek/feel strong emotional connection later on life. But overall....some people are just more detach than others and that is just how it is and age have nothing to do with that.

In one way a healthy detachment toward people and things in life is a good thing (nobody owns ayone and nothing last forever) but if you will never allow anyone come emotionally close to you......surely you might lack some depths of feelings and even the change of falling in love is not very high. (even tought love is not something that is narrowed toward only for one person but we're talking about romantic love/ feelings).

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Thank you for all the input! I've never before heard of being aromantic but I think it describes me better.

Aqua that's an interesting question. I think I'd have to go with the expectations, although expectations seem to make up a lot of a relationship, don't they? (Depends on what you consider to be an expectation). Things that bother me most in relationships are spending more time with my partner and less with my friends, feeling obligated to respond to texts within a reasonable amount of time, being accountable for my actions and having someone asking what I've been up to, and *god forbid* if he says something really intimate and I don't feel the same. Haha, I should probably stay away from relationships for a little while. Maybe I just need a LOT of space...

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Janus the Fox

I'm probably similar, no attraction, a normal or high sex drive and a lower than normal libido.

All of it directed un towards fetish, so I got that going for me. :)

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WhenSummersGone

so many ppl out there desperately trying to get laid just with anyone doubt they even got time to get to know whom theyre about to do it with not even talking about getting attractions to them, u wont call them asexual lol.

I think if anyone is trying to get laid by anyone then they are Bisexual or Pansexual. I don't believe it is just a desire for sex but also a sexual attraction/preference.

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binary suns

so many ppl out there desperately trying to get laid just with anyone doubt they even got time to get to know whom theyre about to do it with not even talking about getting attractions to them, u wont call them asexual lol.

I think if anyone is trying to get laid by anyone then they are Bisexual or Pansexual. I don't believe it is just a desire for sex but also a sexual attraction/preference.

Sexual attraction and attraction to sex are not the samething... asexuality as it is currently considered talks about being attracted to people sexually but doesn't talk about being attracted to sex. maybe being attracted to sex disqualifys asexuality, but it must still be recognised as seperate from the current concept of asexuality. being drawn to a person sexually is different than being drawn towards sex.

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WhenSummersGone

so many ppl out there desperately trying to get laid just with anyone doubt they even got time to get to know whom theyre about to do it with not even talking about getting attractions to them, u wont call them asexual lol.

I think if anyone is trying to get laid by anyone then they are Bisexual or Pansexual. I don't believe it is just a desire for sex but also a sexual attraction/preference.
Sexual attraction and attraction to sex are not the samething... asexuality as it is currently considered talks about being attracted to people sexually but doesn't talk about being attracted to sex. maybe being attracted to sex disqualifys asexuality, but it must still be recognised as seperate from the current concept of asexuality. being drawn to a person sexually is different than being drawn towards sex.

I see what you mean, but if you have a specific gender you like to have sex with then that sounds like sexual attraction as well.

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