Lady Valacri Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 I confided in a close friend today and told her that I was asexual. I explained to her what it was and she didn't say anything for a long time. Normally she is very kind and supportive but what she said blew my mind. She told me that I wasn't actually asexual, she said I was just a prude sissy. She told me that if I just gave myself up to a dude like everyone else, I'd learn to love sex. Long story short, she began to lecture me that if I forgave my abusive ex boyfriend, I'd be happy and start lusting after my girlfriend. Is that possible? Now, my question is, Is it possible to be asexual and still be a virgin? I want to say yes because I know I don't want to have sex, but I also think no because I've never experienced pleasurable sex/masturbation/ect. Has anyone else run into this problem? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
5_♦♣ Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 Of course it's possible. A straight person doesn't need to have sex with the same sex to know they're straight. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
kelico Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 Don't pay any mind to what your friend said (especially being called a "prude sissy")! It's definitely certainly most absolutely possible to be asexual and be virgin! It's probably fairly common, too! I know I'm a virgin, and I also know I'm asexual. I didn't need to try out sex to know what I'm attracted to. As *points to comment above* said, you don't need to have sex to determine your orientation. You are who you are. And sure, it's also possible to change sexualities throughout the course of your life, but it's totally up to you and your comfort zone! It isn't a case of "don't knock it til you try it." : ) 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The Once-ler Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 It's definitely possible, because that's what I am. :) 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mauve Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 You most certainly can be asexual and virgin - please don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Go with your gut/instinct. If you want more of a confirmation, there is an Asexual Virgin thread out there somewhere. You just have to find it. Also, I would advise consulting another friend - one that is not so quick to judge. Anyone who advises their friends to go back to abusive ex-boyfriends clearly does not have their best interests at heart. Good luck to you. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
(A)rrogant Avian Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 I wish I could say something different, but 5_♦♣ already said what needs to be said. Some asexuals do take the advice, "Try it before you hate it.", and some still hate it. I don't think your disposition would change if you had sex. I mean, if you have to try it before you like it, then no one would have sex, because no one would be interested! Don't listen to what your friend said, asexual is an orientation and I doubt very much so that it can be changed with sex. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Anime Pancake Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 I'm asexual and I'm a virgin.I think that sexual people have a desire to have sex, even if they haven't had sex before. As far as I know Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 Yes, you can be both ace and virgin. I'm a living proof :) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ashmedai Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 Being attracted or how you're attracted to someone has nothing to do with if you've had sex with them or not. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Amatista Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 Absolutely. I'm a virgin. I've never even dated anyone. I know I'm asexual because it's a part of me, just like straight people know they're straight without having sex, as the first poster said. If you don't have sexual fantasies, don't feel an urge to masturbate, and don't experience sexual urges or desire, you're asexual. I feel like you can't really learn to love sex. It's not a food or something. You can't try it over and over again and finally say you love it. And I've been called a prude before too. Your friend was being disrespectful. There's nothing wrong with being a virgin, whether you're asexual or not. You can't just forgive your ex for abusing you so easily. What she said is completely out of hand. It takes so much time to heal from that, and even then it's way too hard to forgive someone who's wronged you to the point of psychologically or physically damaging you. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 Being a virgin means you haven't had sex; being asexual means you don't have any desire to have sex. One's a physical situation; the other is an orientation. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Member54880 Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 Those things your friend said were way out of line, and you're under no obligation to forgive your abusive ex. Of course it's possible to be asexual and a virgin. Just about everyone knows what their sexual orientation is before ever having sex. Some asexuals who did have sex to try and 'prove' their asexuality still had it invalidated by it "not being good sex", or if they did keep trying, it'll get invalidated under the claims that "a real asexual wouldn't have that much sex!". Some people will just keep moving the goalposts. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 Of course, and many are. Fourty years of virginity and counting, with this ace here... and I don't even come close to "holding the site record", lol. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
zabz Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 Slap your friend. After that, perhaps point out to her that she presumably knows she doesn't want to have sex with cats - yet (I hope!) she's never tried that. How does she know she won't like it until she tries it? It's the same stupid argument. You don't always have to try something to know it's not for you. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
xserpx Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 Not only is it ignorant to say that you have to "try" sex before you can be an asexual, telling you to "forgive" an abusive ex-boyfriend and "give yourself up to a guy" is genuinely bad advice to give anyone, asexual or not. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
noparlpf Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 A large proportion of asexual people are virgins and a good number of those don't masturbate either. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
deltaX Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 If you don't feel sexual attraction you fit the definition of asexual; it has nothing to do with whether or not you've had sex before. Most people can tell who they are or aren't attracted it before they actually have sex with them. As some other posters said, your heterosexual friends probably did not have to have sex with the someone of the same gender to "prove" that they were straight, and if someone were to tell a heterosexual person they needed to have sex before they identified themselves nobody would take that seriously. Because asexuality is still s unknown, it seems like we have to justify ourselves in ways straight or gay people do not. I do hope you realize what your friend said is wrong. If it make you feel any better, I identify as aromantic asexual even though I've never had sex, and only dated once. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ChainSmokingBob Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 It's always surprising when people you assume will be supportive come out with "Nah, you're just a prude sissy" or some crap like that. I want to say that I am asexual and a virgin (male) and like everyone's already said, it's definitely possible to be both. They're not the same thing so they don't contradict each other. Can you be gay and straight? No, because they're mutually exclusive. Can you be asexual and a virgin? Of course. I am a virgin in large part to being asexual: I do not want to have sex, I don't have any desire to try it and I don't need to try it to know that I don't want to. As such, I haven't and am still a virgin :) I don't mean to knock your friend, exactly, but a response like that is straight ignorance and the 'giving yourself up to a dude' attitude is absolutely disgusting. Don't worry about what she'sgot to say on the issue, unless it changes tone a hell of a lot. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bananadan Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 I'm asexual and a virgin, so yes, it's entirely possible. People don't need to have sex to know what they want. Sexual attraction has nothing to do with whether you're a virgin or not, if you don't experience it you can call yourself asexual regardless if you're a virgin. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Valacri Posted July 8, 2014 Author Share Posted July 8, 2014 A big thank you to everyone. Your advice was very helpful. I will certainly re-think my friendship with her. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 So what were saying here is that your friend would rather you do something that makes you uncomfortable and unhappy rather than be asexual and happy and have sex because you'll learn to like it...wtf? . And whats with the shaming? I hate stuff like that you aren't a "prude sissy" because you haven't had sex and you aren't a slut if you have sex. jeez . Yes, you can be a virgin and asexual. And because I think this thread needs this quote and I love it: "I think that you find your own way. You have your own rules. You have your own understanding of yourself, and that’s what you’re going to count on. In the end, it’s what feels right to you … Not what anybody else tells you." Meryl Streep Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Kanenas Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 Another asexy virgin here. I did not have sex with men when the social pressure started. And when it was known that I'm into girls, I did not have sex with those either, just because I was pressured to do so. The other members have given you words of encouragement already. You do not ever owe anybody sex! You are in charge of your body, nobody else. And, like others have already mentioned, your friend does not really sound like good company... Next time somebody is being so disgusting to you, whether that is because of your lack of sexual attraction or your queer romantic orientation, ask them "Have you ever had sex with a child? How do you know you won't like it? You have to try to know!" and keep banging the drum about it. Maybe those people will start to realize what is wrong with their 'advice' then... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
prof mags Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 its totally possible i should know being both and in regards to not knowing if youd enjoy sex or not its not really related to your sexuality i personally am interested in knowing what sex would feel like but being ace i dont feel sexual attraction to other people so im not interested because i want to have intercourse with particular people im just interested in the sensations themselves and that mostly stems from having a libido and really not wanting it to be completely pointless in its existence my point is regardless of weather your a virgin or not weather you enjoy masturbation or not that isnt what defines asexuality and if you feel asexuality best fits you then no one has the right to deny you that because you are the authority on what you feel (sorry for the slightly cheesy end there ) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
seneca Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 48, asexual, and a virgin, so bleeehhh! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 I'm sorry but your "close friend" doesn't sound like a good friend to me. Good friends are rare and hard to find though. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MadRat Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 Yes, you can. It´s the most logical and rational thing to be asexual and virgin. No interest in sex => no sex. But anything you do or don´t do can be used against you. If you had sex, they would say you can´t be asexual because you had sex. If you had sex and totally hated it, they would say you had sex with the wrong person....etc... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
anotherjessica Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 Of course you can! I'm both asexual (and aromantic) and a virgin. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Moon Ace Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 And here's another! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
CarrotMiku Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 Here's another! :) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
KokoroKitty Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 Bloody well hope so, as I'm another. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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